Watashi No Ai
CHAPTER 19
"Don't you dare step your feet out of my room, Shin Ryujin!" Mr. Roh shouted while pointing his stick at me. I tightly holds the strap of my bag with a fierce look on my face.
"You took Hwang Yeji's earphone so what's the point of listening to your bullshits, Mister?" I sarcastically asked. My jaw clenches while looking at him longer. I saw with my own two eyes how he called out Yeji in his class this morning.
"Why won't you sit and listen! You're really a headache, more than any other guys here in this room!"
Without listening to more of his blabber, I opened the door and went out of his class.
"AISH! SHIN RYUJIN!"
They always say that I'm a headache but would always chase after me with their voice that would just caught more students attention. Just low-key humiliating a student indeed.
"Shin Ryujin, not wearing uniform again." my eyes shifted at Somi. As usual, listing my name on her note.
"Can you please move, Somi?" I slightly tilted my head while looking at her with a fake smile on my face.
"The hallway is too wide, Ma'am." she let out a bitter smile at me.
Before she could even close her notebook, I grabbed it from her and throw it on the side, "move...and pick that shit." I said. She flashes a glare at me as she walks out my way.
Yeji's probably alone in the library again. I knew she feel bad for what happened earlier. She's someone who doesn't want too much attention, especially if it's from humiliation.
As I get closer to the library, the scent of books soothe straight into my nose. The smell of books kinda remind me of Yeji because she likes reading novels and stuffs. She likes reading as much as I hate it. I love reading story books before but when I reached 10 years old, I kinda lost that habit.
The tables were moved unlike before too. It's way better, some were on the corner, some were not. And Yeji's favorite table is that on the corner, behind the tall bookshelves— away from other student's eyes.
"You see the log book out there?" Ms. Seo, looking at me with her usual serious face. She's the librarian. A bitter librarian.
"If you could count how many times I wrote my name in that log book then I'll list my name again." I walk pass by her bringing the cold expression that students used to say as their first impression for me.
They say...you should smile anywhere you step your feet, to everyone you meet. But that would make me a fool. Ever since, I'm that hardheaded kid so why would I leave them a good impression? I'm always the bad kid so there's no need to show who I truly am.
My gaze glued on the girl in front of me who's wearing her football uniform.
She went to Yeji again.
I hissed when we passed by each other. My heart tightened once again. We were just little kids before...I thought we're gonna be best friends forever.
Me, Yuna, Chaeryeong, and Heejin. I was just a sulky kid back then but they never chase after me...because I'm right. They're ashamed of me. We're different. I'm good with Kim Lip and Yena, I'm also friends with Yeonjun and Minho too. I got a lot of friends. I don't need them. We were little kids back then. I don't feel affected at all— that they keep in touch with Yeji and...and nothing.
At the end of the shelves, there's a girl sitting on the corner of the library while facing a thick book.
I took out the fluffy cat keychain before walking towards her direction. She quickly shifted her gaze at me the moment she noticed me approaching. We both smile at each other and...it's making my heart warm.
Always...
"Looking so short now, Ryuddaeng?" Yeji nagged.
"I'll wait for my period to come and let's see who gets taller." I said with my lips puckered. I'm still 11, my period would prolly come when I turn 12 like Yeji, "I brought you this, Hatt." the cute keychain landed on the center of the table that I gently push towards her using my two hands.
"Tuk and Hatt makes me cringe now," her nose scrunches as she picks up the keychain.
"Oh really? Darling?" I teases.
"Aish you just don't understand what I mean. Tuk and Hatt don't seem like a good endearment, it's like usernames." Yeji said while pouting.
"Okay, Yejiddeong." I said. A glare struck at my direction when I said that.
"Ryuddaeng, Yeddeong— our nicknames are perfect already."
I propped my chin and rested my elbow on the table, looking at her with no sense of interest.
"Don't give me that look, Shin Ryujin." her expression changes as she quickly averted her gaze from me.
"Fine, fine." I mumbled, screeching my ring on table. The book she's holding slammed on the table that's why I look at her.
"I'm not in for disturbance, Ryu." she said, "don't you have class? Of course you ditch your class again, right? Why won't you try to stay in your room for at least an hour?" my eyebrows met because of what she said.
"I'm a disturbance now? Because Yuna visited you I'm the bother now?" I asked. I hate this. She knows me well already so why is she questioning my deeds?
"Ryujin—"
"You're like my other friends. I thought we're different, Yeji-yah." I put my head down on the table and covered my ears.
"Ryujin, we're growing...we need to grow up."
"Whatever..." I murmured.
"Stop being rude to your teachers and to your schoolmates. We need—"
I lifted my head up to match her gaze that made her stop, "I gave you the keychain and you didn't even said thank you nor give it a compliment. So you're rude too." I stated.
"Then I'm sorry but, I'm telling you this as your best friend. You can't stay like that forever, Ryujin." she uttered.
"Well I'm different with you, isn't that enough?" I asked. This time, I'm calm already.
"It would be much better if you treat people equally."
Yeji's devastated look showed when I continuously shakes my head in disagreement, "I don't feel the same way to everyone equally so I can't. I thought you're different, Yeddeong-ah? Why are you telling me that? I'm me, I'm just being me Yeji-yah...I thought we're partners in crime. I thought we're on the same sky as stars, the same ocean as small krills...why are you being that tornado and big wave now? I thought we're the falling snowflakes along the snowfall? But you're being my avalanche now." I stated while frowning. Yeji's mouth formed an O while staring at me intently.
"Are you really 11 year old, Ryujin-ah? I thought I was watching a scene from Disney." Yeji cheekily smiled that made me feel that electric thing inside me again. But I remained on my poker face.
"Didn't you remember? You said we're the falling snowflakes along the snowfall...and that we're the twinkling stars on the sky. Then you made me choose what I want to be if I'm part of the ocean, I chose to be a krill and you said we'll be the krills flowing along the water on the ocean." I mumbled with puckering lips.
Yeji leaned close to me and pinches my cheeks, "I remember that, Ryuddaeng. But the way you deliver your speeches is making me amaze, y'know that I love novels. Did you come straight out of a novel?" she left me with a pat on my head and got back to her posture but with her eyes still darted on me.
"Do you believe in magic? In fate? Destiny? Past and afterlife?" Yeji asked. I don't wanna lie so a head shake gave her the answer she's waiting.
"But you want to be a magician!—" she quickly covered her mouth when she realized that she spit it out loud.
"Yeah but...I can't even make my Dad stay by my side. No magic... that's for fool." I mumbled.
"I believe in everything that seemed so magical. I love everything that's magical, including you." with that, our eyes pierced at one another.
Including me? Does that mean I'm magical for her?
———
I went out of the bar when it's almost getting crowded already. I can't think of something else to do, even writing stories— it feels empty. I just want everything to get fixed.
"Long time no see, Shin Ryujin!" few steps away from me, I saw Lippie waving her hand at me.
I timidly smiled at her as we get closer to each other, "bar alone?" I teases.
"Yeah. Jinsoul is busy." her lips puckered just like the good old days when she's pissed.
"Take care then." I said and taps her back.
"W-Wait wait! Aren't you gonna join me?" she asked that's why I chuckle.
"Me? I won't, I'm gonna go fetch Yeji from her work." I answered.
"Speaking of your girlfriend! We saw each other last week when I was trying to reach out for you. But too bad because she saw Yiren with us." Kim Lip stated that's why my eyebrows met.
"We had an argument about cheating thing I've done before...I guess she kinda remembered everything when she saw Yiren." I said. She just shrugged at me.
"It was too long ago, tell her to move on. That easy, dude!" she said with a punch on my shoulder.
"Sometimes we thought it's easy." I murmured.
"Psh she's just being dramatic. Let her be, girls will always be girls y'know? Mostly those girls who act so modest like your Yeji." Lip nagged. I don't feel so good with her, talking like this while mentioning Yeji.
"I changed, Kim Lip. What's too hard to understand about that? Please respect Yeji in front of me."
"Calm down, dude...weren't you the first one who disrespected her for cheating over and over again?" she teasingly asked but I don't feel tease at all.
"Weren't you the first one who encouraged me to do such thing?" I asked with my right eye brow raising.
"Ryujin, if you really love Yeji back then, you won't do such things. But you did because you're weak. Don't blame it on me huh? We're good friends." she taps my shoulder and walk pass by me, leaving me with clenching fist.
She's right. Why am I putting the blame on her? If only I was tough enough. If only I got contented.
When Yeji saw Yiren, it prolly triggered her memories before which made her act like that. I should accept the consequences of my actions after all.
If we could only live again— I swear I won't do such things again.
"You going home, Yeddeong?" I asked when she finally answered my call.
[I'm a bit busy, working hard for the possible out of town proposal]
"I hope that...before you take off..." I heavily breathed while holding onto the steering wheel of my car, "I hope we can fix everything..." I mumbled.
"Just so you know that I love you so much. I'm still young, please wait for my improvement—"
[Until when, Ryujin-ah? I was with you ever since we started our relationship, I was there willing to guide you for your progress— and up until now you're still on your knee with your damn progress]
"I know I'm taking slow, Yeji. But please...please, I can't lose you..."
[Me too, Ryujin. But sometimes, thinking I'll never be better with you, I just want to cut our ties and start a new life]
"How can you say that? We knew each other since we were kids...we grew up together! And it's so easy for you to say that?"
[Don't raise your voice at me, Ryujin. That came to you, we grew up together so why was it so easy for you to hurt me like that?]
"Lip told me you met her and you saw Yiren. Are you acting that way because of that? Did it trigger you again? Yeji, you can tell me." I rested my nape on the headrest, looking at nowhere while waiting for her next response.
[We knew each other, baby, but the impact. It's what you can't understand. The memories keeps pulling me back from the past I couldn't forget]
"Tell me how should I mend it. I'll do everything, for you I'll do everything, Yeji."
[I don't know either]
"Are we gonna stay like this? Am I not included in your future, no more? Yeji...right now..." I murmured, trying to calm my shaking hands. "Think about your future and tell me if I'm still there because I badly want this relationship to work."
[Travelling different countries...you're still there in the picture. Watching the stars and the moon as close as we can...looking for snowflakes on the midst of snow with our future kids...scuba diving just to search for a krill clinging on the coral reefs? Walking on the aisle...Ryujin I wanna scratch you off in those pictures but I couldn't because I thought of that with you...so don't ask me again if you're not included in my future at all]
"Are you still my number one fan...are you still that Hatt?" I wanna hold my tears but it keeps on falling, feeling suffocated with my silent cry.
[Ryujin, I'm so proud of you and I always am]
I hang up the call using my trembling hands.
That's all I wanna hear..that's enough for me to keep fighting.
I'll prove myself this time. I won't hurt her the way I did before. There's no way she's gonna cry while begging on her knees again.
—🍃