1x04 Dead Man Dating
(Scene: Manor. Foyer. Prue is walking towards the front door. She opens it and Andy's there.)
Prue: Andy, hi.
Andy: I was no where near the neighbourhood, thought I'd stop by.
Prue: Honest man, I like that. (She steps aside and Andy walks in. She closes the door.) So, um, I had a great time last night.
Andy: Yeah, me too. But I forgot to give you something very important. (He gets a little square box out of his coat pocket.) Happy birthday.
Prue: But it's not my birthday until next week. (She reaches for the box but he pulls it away.)
Andy: Consider this a preview. (She grabs the box off of him and opens it up. She pulls out...)
Prue: A key?
Andy: To the Calistoga Spa. We leave Friday night after work. Don't worry, I got us adjoining rooms.
Prue: Adjoining rooms?
Andy: Well, I wouldn't want to assume something I'm not supposed to be assuming. Although, it has been over a month since we... then decided to take it slow, but no pressure. I just want to be with you, away, together. Think about it.
Prue: Okay. (He leans over and kisses her.)
Andy: Let me know. Bye. (He leaves.)
Prue: Happy birthday to me.
(Scene: Mark Chao's mother's place. Mark and his mother are standing outside. He is holding a balloon.)
Mark: Give me a break, mum.
Mrs. Chao: There are a lot of hungry spirits out there, Mark.
Mark: You're like the Chinese Shirley MacLaine, you know that?
Mrs. Chao: Better safe than sorry.
Mark: I'll risk it.
Mrs. Chao: You should have more respect for ghosts, Mark. If your grandmother were here--
Mark: She'd warn me about all the evil spirits walking the streets in Chinatown, I know, I know.
(Mrs. Chao takes an amulet off a hook next to the door.)
Mrs. Chao: You should take this for protection. (He hooks it back up.)
Mark: Maybe the ghosts need protection from me. (He kisses her on the cheek.) I'll be okay, mum. I'm 23 now. I can take care of myself, okay. (He hands her the balloon.) I gotta go.
Mrs. Chao: Happy Birthday, Mark.
Mark: Thanks. (He walks off.)
(Cut to Chinatown. Mark is walking down the crowded street.)
Woman: Hi, Mark.
Mark: Hey, how are ya? (Mark walks down an alley. A gang surrounds him.)
Guy: Is this the guy?
Tony: That's him. (To Mark) Is today your birthday?
Mark: Who are you? What do you want?
Tony: You. Make a wish. (Tony gets out his gun, points it at Mark and shoots. Mark falls to the ground. His spirits floats out his body and stands aside. Tony kneels beside Mark's body and places a ring on his finger. Another guy pours kerosene all over Mark's body and Tony lights a match.)
Mark: What are you doing? Hey, wait. No!
(Mark's body is engulfed in flames.)
(Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper is there putting birthday invitations inside envelopes. Penelope walks in.)
Penelope: Good morning. (She notices the invitations.) What are you doing? Prue's coming down. Put that away.
Piper: Penelope, you were supposed to send these invitations last week, the party is Friday.
Penelope: We're right on schedule. The restaurant is reserved, the menu selected, the cake has been ordered. (They hide the invitations in a drawer.)
Piper: That's because I did all those things. At least tell me you've managed to buy Prue something other than your traditional birthday gift.
Penelope: What's my traditional gift?
Piper: A card, three days late.
Penelope: Yeah, well, I decided to break that tradition and start a new one.
Piper: You bought Prue a gift? Where'd you get the money to pay for it? (Prue walks in.)
Prue: Morning.
Penelope: Good morning. Hey, I forgot to ask; how was your date with Andy?
Prue: Great, until he asked me to spend my birthday at a spa with him.
Penelope: (Sarcastic) Oh, I hate when they do that.
Piper: For this weekend? You didn't say yes, did you?
Prue: Well, my body did... screamed it actually. But I don't know, I just have to think about it.
Penelope: A weekend of rest, rubdowns and room service. What's to think about? (Piper bangs a notepad down on the table. Penelope remembers about the party.) I mean, uh, you could be right. Going away with a guy, is like...
Piper: It's like bringing them home to meet the parents. It changes everything. And if you're not sure if you're ready to make a commitment or not, you know, you don't wanna send the wrong signal.
Penelope: Plus, you need a week to prepare for a weekend away. I mean, there's lingerie shopping, waxing, manicure, pedicure. I mean, it's basically a full time job and you've already got one. So you'll never be ready, not even if you started packing this second.
Piper: Wow.
Penelope: Bottom line, unless you're ready to put your toothbrush next to his, you shouldn't go.
Prue: You guys aren't trying to plan another surprise party for me, are you?
Piper: No, never.
Penelope: No, we've given up on trying to surprise you, Prue.
Prue: Well, that's good because you both know how much I hate surprises. (She leaves the room.)
Piper: Damn it, Penelope. If you had sent Andy his invitation we wouldn't be in this mess.
Penelope: Okay, what are you talking about? You heard Prue, she doesn't want a party. So you should be glad that I flaked, besides, you know as well as I do, she's gonna go away with Andy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a present to pay for. Which means I have a job interview. (She leaves the room.)
Commercial Break
(Scene: A hotel. Penelope and Frankie, the hotel manager, are there.)
Frankie: You know why our hotel does psychic readings at the bar, it's kind of a trademark.
Penelope: Well, that's why I'm here. I saw your ad in the Chronicle. I am a natural born psychic.
Frankie: Yeah, right. What's your act? Tea leaves, tarot cards, crystal balls, what?
Penelope: No, I can see the future. I mean, I can't always see it, I never actually know when it's gonna work. Usually when I touch someone or I'm in the same general area as them. It's kinda hard to explain.
Frankie: Next!
Penelope: No. (She stops him from walking off.) Wait, Frankie, hold it. I see it. You're having dinner with a blonde woman, she's gorgeous, all over you. Then some red head shows up. You look surprised. Ooh, she looks pissed. Your wife?
Frankie: When can you start?
(Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. She's on the phone talking to Piper.)
Piper: So have you made up your mind about Calistoga?
Prue: I don't know, I keep thinking it's a bad idea but then I think well what's the big deal? It's not like we haven't already slept together.
Piper: I think you should go... on Saturday.
Prue: On Saturday, why? Piper, you promised no surprise party.
Piper: It's not what you think. It's Penelope. She bought you a present.
Prue: Penelope doesn't give presents, she gives cards three days late.
Piper: No this year. Surprise. And she really wants to give it to you on Friday. So could you please just ask Andy about leaving on Saturday instead?
(Cut to Piper at the manor.)
Piper: You have no idea how much Phoebe has put herself through. She even... (Piper sees a "Psychics Wanted" ad circled in the paper.) she even got a job and everything.
Prue: Okay, I'll ask, if I decide to go. So what kind of job did Phoebe get?
Piper: Don't know. Gotta go. Ciao.
(Scene: Hotel. Penelope is there dressed in a pink costume. She kind of looks like Jeannie from "I Dream Of Jeannie". She is telling a woman her future.)
Penelope: You're in a large room with lots of other people. Lots of other women.
Woman: Go on.
Penelope: You're standing on a podium, no wait, you're on a scale. (Penelope giggles.) It's a Weight Watchers meeting. Ooh, honey, it looks like you've gained some weight.
Woman: That's impossible. I only cheated once this week.
Penelope: No, no, I'm not judging, I'm just seeing.
Woman: You're a fraud, that's what you are. I've never been so insulted in my life. I want my $20 back. (She reaches for the jar of money but Phoebe grabs it off the table.)
Penelope: No way. I saw you, you know I saw you. (The woman walks away.) Hey, if you want me to lie next time just say so. (Piper walks up to Penelope.)
Piper: Penelope!
Penelope: Piper! I am so busted, aren't I?
Piper: Are you out of your mind, again?
Penelope: No, I'm The Amazing Penelope.
Piper: This is not funny. Our powers are supposed to be a secret, not a marketable job skill.
Penelope: Relax. They didn't hire me because they think I'm a witch, they hired me because they think I'm a psychic.
Piper: Hair splitting. You know you can't use your powers for personal gain, not without consequences.
Penelope: No, but it's for Prue, it's not for me, it's to pay for her present, it's completely selfless. Besides, this is the last place anyone would expect to find a real psychic, believe me. (Mark walks up to Piper and Penelope.)
Mark: Which one of you is the psychic?
Piper: She is.
Penelope: Oh, I am.
Mark: You can see me? Both of you?
Piper: Of course we can see you, now back off.
Mark: Oh, thank God. I've tried communicating with every psychic in the city. You were my last chance. (Frankie comes up to them.)
Frankie: Penelope, what are you doing? You've got customers waiting.
Mark: Okay, listen to me, you're the only ones that can help me.
Piper: Excuse us, we are trying to have an argument here.
Frankie: (To Piper) Who are you?
Penelope: Uh, she's just leaving. Bye. Go now. (Piper walks away and Mark follows.)
Mark: Wait, I need your help.
Piper: Yeah, talk to the psychic. (Piper walks outside.)
Mark: Please, I'm begging you, I was murdered last night, I can prove it.
Piper: Stop harassing me, buddy.
Mark: Please, I'm desperate, you gotta help me.
Piper: Leave me alone or I'll call the police. (To a woman) Can you believe this guy? (The woman looks at her strangely.)
Mark: All you have to do is come with me to Chinatown and see for yourself.
Piper: Alright, that's it. Look, either back off or... look out! (Someone on a bike rides straight through Mark.)
Mark: Now do you believe me?
Piper: Oh my God. I can see you but no one else can?
Mark: I'm dead, I'm a ghost.
(Scene: Quake. Prue walks in looking for Andy. She sees him sitting at a table with a woman. She walks over to them.)
Prue: Hi.
Andy: Prue.
Prue: Um, I tried calling the station house for you, they said that you would probably be here. (To the woman) Hi.
Woman: Hi.
Andy: Oh, Prue, this is, um...
Woman: Susan. Susan Trudeau. Nice to meet you. Pleasure.
Prue: Trudeau. Sister?
Andy: No, actually...
Susan: Wife. (Prue walks away and Andy follows.)
Andy: Ex-wife. Prue, wait, I can explain.
Prue: Don't bother.
Andy: It's not what you think... (Prue uses her power and moves a food trolley in front of Andy. He trips over it and lands on the floor.)
(Scene: Chinatown. Piper and Mark are walking down an alley.)
Mark: Thanks for helping me.
Piper: When you wouldn't leave my doorstep, you didn't leave me much of a choice. Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Mark: Please, I don't have much time. Somebody has to find my body before it's too late.
Piper: Too late for what?
Mark: It's a Chinese myth. At least I always thought it was a myth. It's called Thowhoi, when the gates of hell open. We're almost there.
Piper: The gates of hell? I don't understand.
Mark: If the gatekeeper, Yama, catches my soul before my body's properly buried, hell take my to hell forever.
Piper: But you said you were murdered. How can...?
Mark: Yama doesn't care about good or evil. He just wants souls. I should've listened to my mother. (Piper sees Mark's burnt body. She gasps and covers her eyes.)
Piper: Is that you? (Yama appears in the distance. He's on a horse which is galloping straight towards them.)
Mark: Yama!
Piper: Yama? Run.
Mark: It's too late. You better go. Run! (Piper freezes Yama.) What happened?
Piper: I'm a good witch, remember?
Mark: But how? Piper: I don't know. I panic, I put up both hands and bad things tend to freeze.
Mark: For how long?
Piper: Not very, let's go. (They run down the alley and Yama unfreezes. Yama's eyes glow bright green.)
Commercial Break