but I crumble completely when you cry,
seems like once again you've greeted me with good bye i'm always just about to go and spoil the surprise take my hands off of your eyes too soon
***
I'm frozen as his lips press onto mine, he's slow as he pulls back, forehead resting against mine. And then he's leaning again, pressing soft pecks onto my unmoving lips. I try to control my heartbeat and shaking hands, his breath on me is comforting and I curse at myself for it.
"Vada, Vada, Vada," he whispers into my lips between pecs and it's like he's begging me to kiss him back.
I slide my hand up his chest, pulling him closer by the back of his neck, pressing my lips into his giving him what we both want. We move slowly as his lips feel soft over mine, his left hand on my jaw holding me in place, as his other hand reaches my hip pressing our bodies into each other.
His hand goes from the side of my face to the back of my head, before I know it he yanks my head back by my hair, pulling me away from his lips.
His eyes are on fire his grip in my hair tightening and I try not to wince. "You won't ever go back there. Promise me." he demands.
I look into his eyes out of breath, my brain tries to process the tingling on my lips from his soft kiss but the ache in my head from his grip. It's all a very confusing combination, especially mixed with his harsh words. He was so hot and cold, I couldn't keep up.
I exhale through my nose glancing down at his red lips, then back into blacked out green. "Okay," I agree simply, because it's something he could never do.
He seems relieved at my answer as he leans down, placing soft open mouthed kisses on the skin of my neck. Goosebumps spread throughout my body as he sucks on the delicate skin, leaving behind bruised skin that matches his.
He moves his lips up on my jaw moving back to my mouth, pecking once, twice, before taking the tight hold in my hair, moving it to the side of my face, gently now as he picks up a rhythm between our lips.
I feel his heated skin against mine as he picks up the pace, stealing all air from my lungs as his soft, slow pace turns into a more determined one. I trail my hand through soft curls, pulling when his tongue slips into my mouth, and his soft groan rumbles through the both of us. His movements are getting more rough by the second, as he moves his lips on mine at a faster pace than before.
Both hands travel up my sides, and then I suddenly get snapped out of what other trace I was in before. My lips freeze against his, but he keeps touching my sides, down my back and underneath my shirt.
I grow tense at his fingertips on my skin, anxiety rises through me. His lips moved to my neck placing gentle kisses again, and the pit feeling in my stomach came and I suddenly felt sick.
Trying to push down flashbacks and anxiety is difficult, especially because I didn't know how far he was willing to go. If he would even listen to me if I didn't want to go far at all.
"Stop" the word comes out of my mouth quickly.
Harry's lips immediately stop on my neck, and he's backing his body off of mine completely. I'm relieved, but the anxiety I haven't felt in a long time doesn't go away. It feels like everything from tonight is finally catching up to me, I was feeling everything I try so hard to be numb to.
His eyes are confused, concerned he looks me over. Tears have swelled up in my eyes and I try to push them back as I realize I'm shaking now and I don't know if I'll be able to stop the-
"Vada," his voice is low and almost gentle. "What's wrong—" he goes to reach out for me again.
I shake my head moving past him. I had to leave, I couldn't let him see. "I can't—" I start to say moving quickly to the door as I feel the sick feeling inside of me start to take over.
"I just- I'm sorry, I have to go." I open the door without a glance back and move out of room four leaving a very confused boy behind.
Up in my room the light from the neon sign outside glows through my window, with the motel below me now. Tears are streaming down my face as I lay on my hardwood floor, trying to cool my intensely warm body down.
I count to ten, over and over again. The sick from in my stomach is flushed away in the toilet, and I can't seem to get any air in my lungs. My body overheats, and completely goes numb. I close my eyes and see stars and you would think I should maybe be in the hospital or something. But unfortunately this is something I've grown used to over the years.
I try to think of happy things, like books, and my favorite songs. I think of my grandmothers laugh, and the memories of painting with my grandfather. I think of rainy days stuck in the motel office, playing monopoly. Pink tips worn brightly by my best friend and the way she makes me feel like nothing matters. I even think of the band, and their crazy shows that make me belong somewhere.
When grey eyes appear with the same red-blonde hair as mine, the familiar face and the memories I have with her only come up good, and I'm thankful. I couldn't handle the bad right now. I remember how warm her hugs used to be, and how her laugh was so vibrant you couldn't help but smile too. How she always painted my nails to match hers, and loved reading as much as I do.
I fall asleep like that, laying on the hard floor, drifting into the memories of everything before I was this. Before I felt like I was slowly becoming her, and I just didn't know if I could be something else.
***
The next few days are hazy, and almost exactly the same. Grams found me on my floor the next morning. Remaining calm, but concerned, she moved me to the shower, and into my bed where I slept most of the day.
It wasn't normal, but it's not like we weren't used to it. There's only so much you can do in a situation like that though, and I'm just grateful it wasn't dragged. If anyone understood it was my grams, and I was thankful for her.
I didn't leave my bedroom for those two days, laying in bed seemed like the only thing I wanted to do. When I noticed the blue trans am wasn't parked where it was the night before. I watched out the window for the remainder of the day but it never showed up.
I tap my fingers around the purple-blue mark on my neck. A reminder of what happened, and how real it was, and not just something I made up in my head.
I cringe at the memories as they flash behind my eyes from that night. I was still trying to process Harry's explanation for his bruises, and what had happened at the club. But I was also trying to wrap my head around that he kissed me, and how it felt. Well, the good part of the kiss, not so much the end. That part I've tried to block out, because I can't imagine how insane I looked to him in that moment.
Knowing him he probably thinks I led him on, or that I'm a prude. My head spins at all the events that happened days ago, and I realized my room is where I feel safe, and maybe that's why I refused to leave.
It's almost ten p.m and a week later when headlights flash through my window.
My heartbeat picks up as I practically jump out of bed with hope that it's the familiar car, but disappointment washes over me when it's not. Instead I'm confused as I watch Zayn's car pull into one of the spots in front of the motel.
I close the curtains, grabbing a hoodie and waste no time by lacing up my converse. I instead go barefoot down the stairs, and out the front door after sneaking past my sleeping grandmothers room.
I stop on the porch, watching as he doesn't get out of the car, but then the engine kills and he opens the door stepping out onto gravel. I'm surprised Juliet isn't by his side like she usually is and instead he's completely alone as he walks towards me through darkness.
"Zayn?" I whisper out loud enough as he's in front of me now.
He stands below the stairs, hands in pockets, hood up. "Hey," he says lowly searching for the right thing to say.
"What are you doing here, is everything okay?"
My mind suddenly drifts to his best friend, and I wonder if something happened. Does he know where Harry is?
"Yeah, I just, I wanted to check in on you." he then says. "Last time I saw you well.." his lips twist and I nod understanding. "And you haven't been around, so I just, I wanted to see if everything was okay." he scratches the back of his neck.
I knew Zayn as my best friends boyfriend and that was it. He was quiet like Harry, but obviously more outspoken. I never really got the chance to know him because I decided that I hated him after he cheated on Li. But I did notice how much he seems to care for others, and maybe he wasn't as bad as I made up in my head.
I nod smiling a little at his concern. "Right, I'm okay, thank you." I say crossing my arms over my chest. "I've just, I've been busy. Working at the motel and stuff." I come up with an excuse.
Zayn nods understanding, and then he reminds me of his best friend as he takes an unlit cigarette out from behind right his ear and lights it.
"Juliet's been crazy," he says and I realize he's staying for a little bit so I decide to sit down on the porch step. He moves sitting next to me and offers me the lit cigarette. I take it because I realize I need a distraction.
I flick ash before inhaling, bringing my knees to my chest and then exhaling smoke out into a cloud. "But what's new?" I hand him the stick back.
He smiles at me, love flashing in his eyes at the thought of my best friend. It makes me happy for her. He blows smoke towards the sky, and crickets chirp around us, the dewy air is tobacco scented, and for some reason I've started to find comfort in it.
"I've gotta ask you," Zayn then says flicking ash. I look to him. "has Harry been around?" he asks, his voice careful.
I give him a look, tilting my head honestly wondering what he means. "Hm?" I ask confused.
"I mean, have you seen him since that night at the club?" Zayn asks throwing the bud on the ground after putting it out.
"No," I answer honestly "why, you haven't?" I'm curious.
With a slight shake of his head he shrugs, eyes on the ground. "He came by the next day, around the afternoon. Looked pretty fucked up already, but asked for some pain killers. I told him I was out, but he kind of- well, he seemed desperate." Zayn cracks his knuckles like it's a nervous habit.
"He left in a rush, I tried asking what was going on, tried to get him to calm down. But he left before anything else happened. I haven't seen him since." His eyes meet mine.
"He didn't say where he was going?" I question.
Zayn shakes his head. "No, just kept talking about needing drugs." his voice is quiet.
"Figured he maybe would come here, in need of somewhere to stay." he then says and my eyes snap to him.
"How did you—"
He smiles evenly at me, relaxed. "I know things about that kid, he doesn't even know himself." he states.
"Harry's a damn good liar, we all know that. But after a while you start to notice where things just don't add up. I never say anything because, well" he smirks shaking his head. "He's Harry, and whoever thinks he'll let them help him, is fooling themselves."
It's quiet again for a minute, and my mind drifts to my hopeless attempt to do just as Zayn said about helping Harry. I really was foolish.
"I'm guessing he told you everything, then?" Zayn then says.
I shrug looking away from his eyes. "Not everything, but he told me what he wanted. Well," I roll my eyes. "not really what he wanted, but what I forced out of him." I shake my head.
"Right well, he does this sometimes." he looks to me "Disappears, I mean. In the beginning I used to go out and look for him, wondering if I would find him dead in a ditch, or tapped out in that fuckers club somewhere."
I imagine the images in my head, it makes me sick and I have to push them away as he continues.
"He was always okay when I did find him though. Well," he nods his head to the side. "okay meaning; a little better than dead, but still alive." Zayn's eyes drift to a ring on his finger, twisting it. I remember Harry has the same one.
I listen as he continues "I gave up looking for him, or following him around when he punched me in the face for it. That's when I realized he was too far gone for my help, or anybody's for that matter." It's clear he's hurt over his friends past, and present mistakes, but not for himself.
It was obvious Zayn was closest with Harry out of everyone else in the band. That there was some sort of bond there that he didn't seem to have with anyone else. I wondered how much Zayn knew about Harry, and how far back they went. I wondered if Zayn knew why Harry was so caught up in trouble in the first place. If he knew how it all went wrong.
"Well, if you say he's done this before, then he should show up right?" I say after a moment because this information is intense.
"He should, but he hasn't. It's never been this long, he's usually back by now." The stress from the last week is obvious on his face, and I know this has been eating him alive.
"Give it a few days, and if he's not back we'll look for him. Okay?" I reassure him because I know it's what he needs.
Who knows where the hell Harry is. If he's really dead in a ditch, or just out of his mind in a club somewhere. The possibilities ran through my mind and I didn't like any of the results.
Zayn nods sighing out. "Right well, sorry for just showing up out of nowhere. I just had to be sure he wasn't here, and you were okay." he starts to stand and I follow.
I give him a small smile. "I'm okay, and don't worry I'm sure Harry will show up. You know him better than anyone right?"
Zayn smiles shrugging. "I like to think I do, it puts me to ease on everything I probably don't know." he says and then looks to me.
"Anyway, I know Li and the boys miss you, so come by soon, yeah?" he says and I nod as he steps down the stairs before smiling at me again.
"Cool. I'll see you around, V."
"See you" his back is faced me now but before he can completely walk away he turns around a few feet away.
"Oh, and by the way, Juliet only knows what everyone else does. Harry let you know because well, you're involved now." he says "Just- I'm just saying, Li would be better off, y'know?"
I understand what he means, and if I had a choice of being caught up I wouldn't be. So I choose to leave my best friend in the dark because I think it's what is best.
I lie for him, because what else is there?
***