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I stare at the almost empty flat and sigh – I've lived here for two years. Everything has happened here – we got married and moved here. Gabriel was born while we lived here, he was adopted while we were living in this flat. Joel got sick here, and he died while living here. He had an affair here. I had a, well, emotional affair here.
As weird as it is, I'm both glad and sad to be handing over the key to Summer. It's like the last goodbye to Joel in a way, and although I'll still own the flat, it feels strange. I'm closing the book on that part of my life and moving on to a new one.
The doorbell goes, and I open it to find Summer smiling right beside Monica.
"Summer. Monica," I greet. They both walk over the threshold, and I stare at Monica. Her dark hair is pulled back into a tight bun, and it ages her immensely, though I wonder if that's just the grief of losing both men in her life to Huntington's disease and now dealing with the real possibility both of her grandchildren could inherit it.
It would be enough to send me into a meltdown, and I've only partially gone through it.
"My stuff should be here in two hours, but I wanted to make sure I got the key before they arrive," Summer says.
I stare at Monica's pained expression and give her a small smile.
"Aspen, about the funeral—"
"I'm sorry about her, all right? I didn't mention it to them, I didn't want them there—"
"It's not that, I don't care about that," Monica stops me. "I know I've acted... harsh to you since you and Joel agreed to the divorce, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve that. I'm happy you've found happiness with Nicholas. What your mother said at the funeral... about him? About you? It's not true. I assume she was right about Gabriel?"
I nod. "When Joel agreed with me that we should tell the adoptive parents about the disease, I emailed the social worker. She told Gabriel's family. Nick and I were... just friends at that point. Nick phoned me that night and told me they'd found out his adoptive brother was sick. A couple of days later, he admitted his feelings and because of that, told me that he'd pieced it all together because I'd told him Gabriel's name."
"Such a small world," Monica mentions. She shakes her head. "Have you seen him?"
"No, I met his parents a few days ago. We're taking it very slowly. The thing is, he isn't my son anymore," I point out.
"Good idea, taking it slowly," Summer agrees.
"After the funeral, I disowned my mum," I blurt out. Monica raises her eyebrows. "My dad and I are... having some space right now, but I never want to see her again. I... I'm not with Nick because of Gabriel, and she's eaten away at me for too long."
"Aspen... I've never been happier for you." Monica chuckles. "That's the best thing for you. Look, it might not be... appropriate, and you might not want to. But... if you ever want to talk or anything... you were still my daughter-in-law until you know..."
"Thank you," I reply. I keep to myself the fact that I don't want to talk to her about anything. Not only does she change like the wind in winter, but she also encouraged her son to have an affair.
Monica produces an envelope from her handbag. She hands it out to me, and I see the handwriting. My name is scrawled on the front of the envelope.
"We found this in with his things. I... I haven't opened it. He wrote it a couple of days before he died, I remember him mentioning it. He told me if he died before he left the hospital, he wanted you to have this. I couldn't find it for a while, but I finally did. I'm sorry it took so long," Monica says.
I smile. "Don't worry about it. Life has been... awful, I can understand!" I mention and take the letter. "Thank you. He... he was so down; he was sure he wasn't going to get out of there."
The three of us give small, ironic laughs.
"He didn't listen to any of us when we said he would," Summer says.
"Idiot," we all say together.
I wipe the tears from my eyes, so I don't look weak.
"Anyway, this is your set of keys, Summer. I kept mine because, well, yeah, I'm technically your landlord." I hand over her set.
She takes the key set and chuckles. "Thank you! Do I need to sign another contract or anything?"
"No, the one we signed the other day is all good. When I get a minute after unpacking the printer, I'll copy one for you and drop it over. I should've changed my addresses on the post, but just save them if you get any. Anyway, I'll leave you to it. If you need anything you know where I am. Well, you don't, but yeah."
"Thanks, Aspen, this means the world to me!" Summer says before grabbing me into a hug.
"You're so welcome," I reply and smile before running out the door to sort out my own new life.
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I hear her before I even close the front door – using my key to Nick's place. Well, mine and Nick's place. It's still weird to think about; it makes me smile nonetheless that Nick and I are sharing a flat.
"She's lovely, Nicholas. I just... I'm worried about her emotional state after her husband dying," Hannah says.
"She's—they were split up, Mum. I gave her space after he died. I've let her lead this, I promise. We were official before he died. They'd been separated for a while. I've been careful, Mum all right," Nick mumbles.
"Don't go too quickly, and for goodness' sake don't break her heart. She's lovely. She's perfect for you. Don't ruin it," Hannah responds.
"I don't want to, I love her. Fuck, Mum, I'm in love with her," Nick says.
"I can see that. Anyone with eyes can see that, and it's clear she loves you as well," Hannah says. I make a point of making a noise when I close the door and take my shoes off. I walk into the lounge, and they both stand when I enter.
"Hi," I greet. "Hannah."
"Aspen. I know it's a bit... random me dropping by, but I wanted to talk to you after the other day," she says. Nick presses a kiss onto my forehead before walking out to give us a moment.
"What can I do?" I question.
"This might be weird and random. But I kind of wanted to talk to you the other day about this, but I didn't think it was right after all the emotions. It's a sensitive subject, but I wanted to tell you why we adopted Gabriel, and why we foster children," she says.
I sit down beside her, and the leather feels cold against my legs where I'm wearing shorts. I don't know why she thinks it's relevant – I suppose because of Gabriel.
"Nicholas told me he told you about Georgina," she starts.
I nod in response. Her eyes almost become glassed over; in a way, I suppose she must feel like I do when I talk about Gabriel. It'll be worse for her, though, I know that. But that's the only way I can think of it. Or maybe how I lost Joel, but that's entirely different.
"You remind me of her, you know. She was very quiet, placid, and kind. She wanted to be a vet. When I told her she'd have to put down animals as well as save them, she didn't change her mind. Determined little cow she was. Like Nicholas," she reminisces. She smiles, and I glance at the photo Nick has on the side of her.
I imagine her with her long, blonde hair coming to life: charming like Nick, stubborn like him, looks like her mother, and Neil's smile.
"I wish I could've met her," is all I can think of to say. That's a terrible thing to say, but it's all that's on the tip of my tongue and it's the truth.
She chuckles. "If she was alive, I don't think Nicholas and you would've met. Well, we'll never know. He always wanted to be a nurse. Poor boy, I asked him why not a doctor. His answer was because he wanted to actually help people and not just come in like a God – a doctor – and hand them over to the angels. Angels being the nurses."
"So, he's always been a smooth talker then," I snort.
She laughs heartily. "He has."
"He uses corny nature chat-up lines because my name is Aspen," I add.
"Like his father," she retorts. "When she died, we decided we didn't want any more children. We were too old for all of that and, well, it didn't feel right to almost replace her. Or at least, it would feel like we were replacing her. Our neighbours used to be foster carers and told us about it as Georgina got older. We did it on and off before she was ill, but after... after she died, it seemed to be a good way to distract ourselves. It was... although she was fifteen, we lost a part of ourselves. With fostering, you almost patch up that hurt a child has, and hopefully give them the happy ending that Georgina never had."
"That's a lovely way of putting it," I say.
"That's exactly what it should be. It can be like that, but it can be a long, drawn-out process. Some kids don't get a happy ending, but you know what? It's the people like Neil and me that give that time, that care. They might get adopted by other parents, or put in a different home, but we as fosterers can't change that. But what we do, do is give them the care and love they need when they come to us. I've learnt to accept that over the years."
When you get a small hole in your clothes, it's the material telling you that it's tired and needs to be fixed. When you mend it by sewing it or patching it over, you might only be giving it a temporary fix, but it's still a fix for a time. Until that mend breaks again, it's still healed for a while. I suppose Hannah is saying the same thing about fostering. But I know she doesn't just mean the children she looks after; she's talking about herself. She is also that piece of broken material. I suppose Gabriel is her permanent mend in that hole that her late daughter left.
"When they approached us about Gabriel before you gave birth, they suggested we adopted him. We were talking about it for a while, suggested it to our foster social worker and then he came along. They told us that you and Joel just weren't ready to be parents. We jumped at the chance. He mended us, Aspen. We will never, ever be over Georgina, and he will never replace her, but he has brought joy to our lives that I can never, ever repay you for. He's brought meaning to our lives again."
She pulls me straight into a tight hug. She smells like the ocean, she smells like... a mother, and it's the most comforting smell I've ever inhaled.
I might have a broken background. There may be plenty of holes in my life, like a pair of jeans I might refuse to throw out after many, many rips, but maybe Hannah and Neil are that permanent fix. Just like Gabriel is to them, maybe they are to me. I may have only known Nick's parents for two days, but I already know I'm going to love them.
So maybe it's not a messed-up situation at all.
Maybe me finding and falling in love with Nick, and thus finding his family is the permanent fix I need. They are my fix; Gabriel is their fix, and Nick and I are each other's fixes.
To outsiders that might be messy, but to me, it feels like home.
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"I've now found my favourite part about you living with me," Nick announces as he passes me a glass of wine. I put it on the bedside table as he throws himself under the covers.
"Oh?" I question.
"I've been looking for a reason to have a spare TV in the bedroom and hook up the Xbox. Now I have it!" He grins as the console beeps to life.
"Oh, see, I thought you were going to say, 'because I can have sex whenever I want it' or 'because I love you and I can see you all the time'. Now I know what I mean to you – a means to have two TVs!" I snort and sip my wine. I refresh my emails on the laptop as he kisses my cheek.
"Of course, those reasons too, but a man needs his console, Aspen," he teases.
"Screw you — no, I retract that! I retract it, don't you dare—"
"Already done that today," he cuts me off. "Maybe another—"
"You know what? When we met, you were this smooth, cheeky, charmer who knew what to say. Now you're just a crude, cheeky... man." I play slap him.
"Oh, that hurts! Well, you know what? I'm only messing. Having you here permanently is like having my world brightened and full of beauty—"
"I don't believe you!" I snort.
He pulls me closer and kisses my lips. "When I met you, you were this unblossomed flower. I've watched you blossom into a strong, independent woman. I know you're going to say that's cheesy, but it's true. You were under your mother's thumb for so long that even Joel couldn't get you out. But now you're out. You did that, you. So yeah, you literally light up my life being here, because it's an honour to watch the woman I knew you could be."
"There he is... he came back," I joke before pressing a kiss onto his marshmallow lips. Nothing will ever taste as sweet as him, not even the most sugar-fuelled sweet in the world. Nick is the fuel to the sugar addict, and I can't get enough of him.
"I'll always have the lines for you, my daisy." He beams at me like the sun during a heatwave.
"I love you," I whisper.
"I love you too." He kisses my shoulder, leaving a spider web of tingles spreading on my skin.
I stare at the laptop and notice the new email. "No way," I exclaim, clicking it open.
"What's that?"
I read it quickly, taking in only the important parts. "I finally got a job interview, at the hospital!"
He reads it and then kisses me all over again, laughing against my lips. "I knew you could do it!"
"Maybe things are starting to look up again," I wonder aloud.
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