tw: substance abuse, depression
ʿ ．˔ ˀ ❝ peep hotch's slight smile ❞ ʿ ˎ ．˔ ˀ
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We arrive at Alva, Florida
"Okay guys, so I want Fay and Morgan to visit the family, Spencer and JJ to go to the crime scene, and Emily and Rossi will come with me to the precinct for this case" Hotch announces
All I could think of was Paris, how I wanted to see her body, hug her one last time even if she was gone. I missed her so much. I missed her warm comforting hugs and her bright beautiful smile. She was my very first friend.
It was all my fault she was gone...
I entered her home, she lived in Florida. He married her husband Eon Finwood, and had been married for several years. She wanted to be a mother someday, and I was so excited to see a mini her, to help be there for her through it. I knew I'd never have the chance she wouldn't either.
As I entered the house, tears started to form in my eyes, it all felt so surreal. I remember feeling so safe in her home, I felt at peace, I remember us laughing for hours about the silliest topics, trivia nights with her and her husband. But now a cold air filled this place, it felt lonely and empty, her bright presence that once filled this place was no longer here, so it no longer felt like home.
Morgan put his hand on my shoulder seeing that I was tensing up and distant
I just shrugged it away still mad at him for earlier
"Don't put your hand on my shoulder."
"I'm sorry.. look I messed up Fay." He looked me in the eye
"I don't care, now let's focus on my case."
Paris's husband approached us and pulled me into a strong emotional hug. He was crying heartbroken about Paris. I was too, and all I wanted to do was cry into his arms as I hugged him, but I knew I couldn't.
I pulled away quickly, he just looked at me suspiciously, obviously still hurting.
"Hey, Eon." I said softly.
"Fay, what happened to our Paris.." He asked me sobbing
I started to cry and look down for a bit.
Flashback - Fay was 19
"Hey I'm Paris Finwood, I'm going to be your roommate. She smiled at me
"I'm Fay." I replied keeping to myself, I didn't trust much people after what I'd been through with Mark
She just reached out her hand
"I don't bit silly, I really love your outfit, I can tell we've going to have a great 4 years." Paris told me
I shaked her hand, since she reached out first.
Right there I started to smile. I hadn't smiled since I talked with Spencer, my brother 4 years ago. I missed him too. But I just knew she was going to be my best friend for life.
Morgan just looked at my concerned and tried to add input
Morgan whisper to me: "Are you there?"
I wasn't there I thought to myself, my mind kept on flashing back to all the memories with Paris. I wanted to hold on to her for as long as I could. I didn't want to accept she's no longer here.
"I'm so sorry sir for your loss." Morgan said serious look on his face showing pity.
"I was talking to Fay. Fay you know more than anyone, you and Paris were so close. You guys always talked to one another, she had always said you were troubled that it wasn't her right to say anything. She was helping you Fay, goddammit you know what happened to her." He looked at me, stumbling on her words trying to talk but still completely sad."
He looked so broken, I knew he was going to break down at any moment and I was going to as well. I just needed to get out of there.
I ran to the car, I just needed to sleep. I couldn't handle this. Paris was gone forever, and she was the best parts of me, so what did that leave me with?
Morgan ran out calling my name but I blocked him out, and just drove off.
I went to the pharmacy market, to get some sleeping pills. I read the side effects: "Change in mood, feeling angry/sick , dizziness, Extreme weight loss, headaches.. I didn't care, even though I knew I should." I knew nothing was prescribed for me but also knew I wouldn't be able to sleep much. I grabbed the pills and brought 7 bottles of it.
There were about 30 pills in a bottle, and the it had warned me to only take 2, but I took 4. I was feeling like crap, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn't even want to think about the case anymore.
I saw Paris in my dream
Fay dreaming
"Dance with me, Fay."
We held hands and jumped around, putting in our fists in the air.
"Remember how stuck up and serious I used to be" I asked her
"Yes but that changed real quick, once I taught you how to sway those gorgeous hips of yours. Great stress reliever." Paris replied
"Works every time, thanks to you, dance has brought me so much pea-" I started to cry my eyes out and drop to the floor.
"You helped me become the person I am, how do I go on without you Paris. Your the most nicest person I've ever known, one of my few rocks. I think back to Spencer." I say still crying struggling to even speak.
"Well there's one thing I've never told you. Fay Samantha Diana Reid. -"
I wake up
"No, no I wasn't done, what did she want to say to me." I say hitting the steering wheel repeatedly with rage.
I start to drive swiftly to the crime scene.
"Hey guys. I know Hotch didn't order me but I honestly don't give a fuck." I start to cover my mouth, realizing I cursed.
Spencer looks at me worried , with his head tilted towards my face.
For the first time, I don't care. I just walk right past him not even caring what he's thinking. I drop down to the floor next to Paris. All I want to do is hug her lifeless body. I know it's crazy but I feel like I'm falling apart. I just want her to give me her amazing advice that always seems to solve my problems.
For the first time I don't feel strong enough. I know I can't get over this, her death.
A part of me is going to go with her, I don't think I can stay in the BAU anymore. I just felt empty, sitting there, like I don't care for anything anymore, not even myself.
All I want to do is sleep so I can see her again and stay there.
"Fay, are you okay? I know we've leave things off on bad terms but you can talk to me." Fay snaps me out of me staring into space.
"You know Spencer, leave me the hell alone. I've never cared about you and you were right to have not forgiven me. I'm a horrible person and I'm glad I abandoned you." I stared at him coldly.
I didn't care who I hurt anymore, I just wanted to sleep and go home.
"Fay, we are working on a case right now. If your not able to work on this, please tell Hotch." JJ adds in clearly pissed at me for acting like a bitch.
"Please just talk to me, this isn't you. I'm still mad but we can be angry at each other later because right now I'm here." He grabs my hand.
I push him away
"I told you. I've never care about you. So go find someone else to comfort." I roll my eyes and leave to my car.