Ayedah could not believe what she was reading on the screen of her phone, when she tapped the heart-shaped 'feed notifications' button on her account. There were more than several dozen comments on a post she was tagged in- the one from Burak Celik's Instagram page:
Ugh, dating someone again isn't he? Just wait they'll break up soon enough lol
No Burak why 😭😭😭
Bruh she isn't even pretty wtf-
Ig she wears hijab and all but too holy for him ehh
She's probably gonna leave him like all the other women did, he deserves better wtf
Were only some of the countless other snides and comments in different languages and tones on the picture Burak posted of the two having breakfast that morning. Almost all were being negative toward her, some even toward Burak- though mostly toward her, for they had a lot more to comment on for her than they did for him, especially Burak's fans. They were even tagging her account on their own pages, reposting the picture of the two together- and barely any of the captions were very friendly. Ayedah stared in shock, nearly dropping her phone as her hand went numb. Ozge grabbed it from her and scrolled through the comments and tags herself, her face contorting in angry surprise. "What the hell," she exclaimed. "What the actual hell. You can't be freakin' serious-" "What is it?" asked Aunty Gab worriedly, and took a look herself, her eyes widening at the sight. "Holy shit-"
"Absolutely disgusting," hissed Ozge. "But honestly, I'm not surprised." Ayedah's eyes snapped to her friend, her head tilted. "What do you mean, you're not surprised?" she demanded, her stomach clenching as the comments were re-read in her mind over and over. "You should see some of the battles the fans have in the comment section- some are rather funny, but most are extremely disrespectful; not just to each other, but to Burak too." "Does he talk about them much?" asked Gabriella. "No, he doesn't really care," said Ozge. "I mean in his defense, they don't exactly say anything bad about him- they're all just fighting over him, really. Honestly, if some of the comments weren't so obscene I'd find it rather funny too." "I suppose he is a celebrity," sighed Aunty Gab, leaning back into her seat. "It should be expected."
Ayedah's fists balled, and she turned away as she pulled off her hijab and went upstairs. She threw her dark-colored scarf across her desk and sat on the bed, and her stomach that was once bubbling with awkwardness just minutes before was now clenching in fury and hurt. She felt annoyed and angry with herself, a feeling she knew all too well. And she also knew that amongst it all-
Burak didn't care.
She assumed that he would probably find it funny and amusing, just as Ozge said. I mean, he's a man, she thought bitterly. The male ego in him is probably enjoying it all, even if he does try to be a gentleman in real life.
It was not just the comments that got to Ayedah- it was the dark and painful memories that they brought back along with them all. It was definitely not the first time Ayedah had been insulted so unkindly, but it hurt all the same. Amongst all the other torment she had to deal with in her past, insults and hateful speech toward her were definitely amongst them- as they were probably for everyone else too. She knew that perhaps everyone had experienced hateful speech toward their character, looks or personality at least once in their life, but that fact did not make it any better for her.
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"Ah, the lowest marks once again," murmured the class teacher, as she scribbled across a paper. "Man khasala a'laa adna al-darajaat hazhihi'l marrat, ya Aanisa(Who got the lowest grades this time, Teacher)?" asked one of the students in Arabic. "Man aidhan? Ayedah Harraz, taba'an(Who else, Ayedah Harraz of course)," said the teacher loudly, enough for Ayedah to hear from the back of the class- though she knew they were saying something sour about her, she did not understand. She snickered at them absent-mindedly, and continued to doodle across her notebook- the one where she kept all her stories in. She had a sudden extreme and high motivation to write, and was doing so- yet she was easily distracted as well, and began to doodle after writing paragraphs after paragraphs of her story.
"Ayedah Harraz!"
Ayedah cheekily chose not to answer, and continued to doodle. "Ayedah Harraz!" repeated the teacher again, and walked up to her desk from her own at the front, to her student's at the back. Ayedah finally looked up from her little drawings, faking a look of innocence in her eyes. Her unusual doodles were plainly insulting her teachers, parents and the other students- not to mention the school. Her teacher took a quick glance at them, before Ayedah shut her notebook in a sassy manner. "Yes, Aanisa Hanaan?" she addressed her teacher, who was glaring at her.
"Tekellemi A'rabi(Speak in Arabic)," the teacher ordered. "Sorry, I don't understand," said Ayedah brightly. Her teacher narrowed her eyes at her. "How could you not?" she demanded. "You are an Arab girl and you go to this school, where we teach in Arabic. You are expected to speak, read, write and learn in that language." "Well, I'm sorry, but I can't do any of that, can I?" said the fifteen-year-old in a rather unapologetic voice. The other students muttered amongst themselves as they eyed her judgmentally, clearly disgusted. Aanisa Hanaan crossed her arms across her chest.
"Are you not Samaa' Al-Aydrus' daughter?" she asked. "I know she went to school here- and did very well." "Yes, yes, my mother, aunt, godmother, probably every other woman in the world, they all went to school here, bla bla bla," said Ayedah in a bored, mocking tone of voice, giggling slightly afterward.
She was experiencing a manic episode, and was not at all her usual, brooding and quiet self- she was not at the climax yet, but was rising steadily. But no one was acknowledging it.
"Your mother was an exemplary student here," said Aanisa Hanaan. "As were her sister and her bosom friend, Bahaar Hassan- your godmother, I believe." Her beady eyes scrutinized Ayedah, narrowing dangerously. "How is it, I wonder, that such an honorable family of successful people, just so happened to produce a daughter so daft and insolent?" she asked in a snarling voice. "Reema is pretty daft, now that I think of it," laughed Ayedah, her thoughts jumping to her younger cousin, whom she despised. "You are quite right, teacher." "Aanisa Hanaan was talking about you, Stupid," snapped one of the students in front of her. "You're the laughing stock of this school, and taint our reputation."
Ayedah's eyes widened and ignored all the rest of that sentence as she asked the girl, "You think I'm stupid?" She laughed. "That's funny, ha-ha..."
The students stared as she laughed, despite the fact that she was just insulted. However there was nothing funny about it- her mirth was eerie, and sent chills up everyone's spines. Though she was laughing on the outside, deep down inside her mind it was clear to only purely knowledgeable and observant people that a battle was taking place, and her giddy, reckless, cheeky and rude behaviour along with the creepy, humorless laughter was the effect it had on her. It was clear, that something was definitely wrong- she was not alright. But neither Aanisa Hanaan nor the other students noticed...or even cared.
"Why would that be funny to you, Ayedah?" snapped Aanisa Hanaan. "Your own stupidity amuses you?" "It is funny," said Ayedah, but the humor in her face was decreasing slowly- yet visibly. "It's funny because it's true...it's true...it's true..." She laughed again, but it was in a forced, mocking sort of way, and her expression had turned scarily cold. She began to wring her hands as she did so, repeating the sentence over and over again.
"The whole idea of me being in this school is stupid," she suddenly sneered, after a few full minutes of her teacher and fellow students listening to her repeating her last sentence. "Me being here, standing here right now is stupid. Me being here, standing right now, unable to catch up with my lessons is stupid- because I can't speak, read, write or learn in Arabic...it's all stupid!"
Ayedah's voice was rising, and her tone getting angrier with every syllable. All the other students were staring at her, some frozen in their seats whilst some backed away in fear, and some had their mouths slightly ajar as they looked upon her in slight horror. Aanisa Hanaan's eyes were wide, and her arms had fallen to her sides from where they were once folded across her chest.
"It is more than stupid," continued Ayedah, unable to control herself as her previous giddiness began to turn into a manic rage. "It is more than stupid, to put me in a certain school, knowing that I wouldn't be able to learn a damn thing as I cannot understand the damn language the damn school teaches in!" her face was red, her eyes blazing with pent-up anger and emotions that she had no control over due to her episode, even if before she was able to keep it inside.
"Our whole family is stupid, Mum!" she screamed, as if she were screaming at her mother, and some of the students looked around to see if she actually were in the room with them. "You all threw me into this just because of your stupid pride and traditions or whatever, because apparently you came her with Khala Zahira and Aunt Bahaar! I told you, no, because how the hell am I going to last my final years as a teenager, a goddamn teenager in high school if I don't even know what the hell I'm learning!"
Her eyes were filled with tears, her face turning from red to white with rage.
"No one understands," she cried. "No one even tries to help me! I undergo torment every day, everywhere, all because you didn't stop to think about the consequences of your actions, and did whatever the FUCK you wan-"
SLAP.
Ayedah was thrown to the ground as Aanisa Hanaan hit her. As she struggled to sit and hold herself steady, she looked up at her teacher and she instantly recalled the evening where her mother had done the same for her- except that time, she was experiencing depression, and not mania. However, her teacher's face held no scrap of remorse when her mother did very slightly. The whole class went silent, including Ayedah, who stared at her teacher as Aanisa Hanaan glared at her- her face was contorted, white from rage and her nostrils flaring.
"Wallahi, in all the years I have taught and have been a teacher, never once have I seen a student so spoiled, so ungrateful, and so disrespectful," she gasped, and turned around and stomped back to her desk as the other students carefully sat back in theirs, shifting uncomfortably.
Ayedah sat on the floor for a while, before sitting at her own desk, her expression blank as her pained mind processed all that had just happened, before she ran out of the class, and if she were in her stable state- she would be expecting the amount of trouble she was to get into when she arrived at home.
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What happened next was very different from the situation Ayedah was experiencing at that present moment, but at the same time very similar- she did indeed become a laughing stock and the topic of many conversations, and was not forgotten until she actually left the school, barely graduating. It was lucky that when she got to university, there was no one there who would repeat the actions of the students in her former school. But Ayedah in all her wildest dreams and craziest thoughts would never forget all the words that were said to her and about her, and there was no one who would stand to her defense- and the ones who probably would, like Ozge and Aunt Gab, were not there and were not informed. And her parents who did know about it, did not take any action nor try to reason with the school to try and improve her life there.
Ayedah gripped her fists in anger- she could not help but be annoyed with herself for being so reckless. See, this is what happens when you get close to someone, snarled the voice in her head. Look at yourself. Stupid. And Burak probably doesn't care, he is a man after all. All male egos enjoy this kind of attention, and it probably won't matter to him what you feel and think. He is a celebrity. What chance do you have for a peaceful life if you want to be friends with him?
Ayedah tried to reason with herself, thinking hopelessly that she saw Burak to be different from other men, that perhaps he was worth befriending and that he would not mean any harm if he did not notice her annoyance and pain at the hate toward her across social media. But she was losing the argument to her angered mind, and sighed as she came to terms with herself- it was a mistake to become friends with Burak Celik.
"Hey there," said Ozge, knocking on her friend's room door and letting herself in. She had brought up Ayedah's phone, and placed it upon her desk. "You alright?" "I'm fine," Ayedah said automatically, giving Ozge a melancholic smile. "Besides, why would these people hurt me? I don't even know them. It's nothing." Ozge sighed, and sat down next to her friend. "I'm sorry, Ayedah," she said softly. "It's alright to be angry. I don't blame you- those were some shitty hate comments." "I just...yeah, I am angry," said Ayedah furiously. "And...I guess I just hate being hated. It's annoying, you know?" Ozge put an arm around her friend. "You're not hated, okay?" she said reassuringly. "They're all just jealous because you went out with him-"
"I didn't, Ozge!" exclaimed Ayedah, standing up from the bed. "He just...we met coincidentally outside when I was at the pharmacy, of all places. And then he persuaded me to have breakfast together with him- oh God, who knows, maybe he followed me, and wants this gossip because he wants more attention or something!" Ozge's eyes widened. "Ayedah, I don't think so," she began, but was cut off immediately. "This was a trap, Ozge!" she cried. "He saw right through me when I was just trying to be nice to him and help him out- he saw that I'm vulnerable, and weak, and that I'm an easily persuadable girl who can't think for herself! Because he thinks I'm just an easy target!" Ozge stood up herself and grabbed her friend's shoulder. "Hey, now, no talking like that," she said sternly. "You're not weak."
She brought Ayedah to sit down with her beside her on the bed. "Look, I know that well...this picture of you both on the internet did not bring the best...well, comments," she said. "But it's not your fault, nor Burak's. Neither of you asked for it, and I doubt he did it for attention either." "But then why did he post it," Ayedah groaned. "First of all, he already knows I'm new to Instagram, secondly, he should know what goes on in the comment sections of his posts and he should definitely know that fans would comment on every pixel of that photo like crazy-" "But he probably didn't realize it at the time," said Ozge gently. "He was caught up in posting the photo, because well, it was probably a nice memory which he wanted to share- it's what people do, Ayedah." She held her friend's hand.
"Please don't pin this on him," she pleaded. "He didn't mean any harm...and honestly, Ayedah, he's a talented, good-looking actor who's somewhat well-known, it's expected for people to pull these kinds of stunts." "I don't see comments like those on your posts," grumbled Ayedah, and Ozge chuckled. "I suppose it's different between male and female actors." "Well, I don't always get nice comments either," admitted Ozge. "A lot of them compare me to other actresses, and hate me for playing Bala- most of them either find her character annoying, or don't like her because she's not 'Halime Sultan'." "But Bala's so much better!" gasped Ayedah, making Ozge chortle. "Well, that's your opinion, not everyone thinks that," she said with a smile. "Ozge, why didn't you tell me?" asked Ayedah, squeezing her friend's hand. "Because I didn't think much of it," said Ozge. "It happens to literally everyone who has social media. It's only your response that you can control, not others."
Ayedah sighed. "I suppose you're right," she said, and Ozge gave her a one-armed hug, and the two sat together quietly for a while. "I'll have to go now," she said. "But I'll be picking you up as usual for work tomorrow- and Ayedah, when we see Celik...please don't be angry at him." Ayedah sighed. "I'll try not to be," she said with a forced smile, and Ozge returned it with a genuine one. "Okay then," she said. "See you." She left the room, shut the door behind her and went downstairs, and Ayedah could hear as Aunty Gab led her out of the house.
She sighed and laid down upon the bed, and Stormy jumped up to lie down next to her. "This was a mistake," she murmured, stroking the cat's fur. "How could I have been so stupid?" Ayedah was trying to process Ozge's advice and take it to heart, but a part of her could not help but stay angry and resentful. She could feel an uncomfortable, stung feeling in her chest as her own ego was bruised and her self-esteem lowered; amongst all other mixed emotions she had, she blamed herself.
It was an unfortunate characteristic Ayedah had, especially after the events that led to the trauma of her high school life. By allowing the pressure to get to her and saying 'yes' to her parents' requests for her to be enrolled in the School of Sheikh Amaan, she had doomed herself to three years of torment and trauma that she would never forget a single day of despite the fact that she did leave and had already graduated university, and come a long way since then. The experience had not only traumatized her, but also changed her personality; she developed resentful traits, and whenever she made a choice that never turned out well- especially if it was a choice influenced by others opinions or requests- whether it was a small deal or a big one, she would blame herself and hold deep resentment that she could not let go of. It was troublesome, but Ayedah had already come to terms that that was just how she was. And if another person was involved, Ayedah knew that she would not have the capability of having that person in her life again.
Ayedah sighed, and continued to absent-mindedly stroke Stormy's head, trying her best to remove the stinging feeling in her chest and forget all that had happened. "Now what, huh?" she asked the cat, before she suddenly heard the vibrations from her phone on her desk- someone was calling. "Probably Ozge, maybe she left something," Ayedah chuckled humorlessly, and got up from the bed to answer it- to her surprise, it was an unknown number, and not Ozge's. "What the-"
She answered it regardless, and her stomach clenched when a familiar voice reached her ears.
"Ayedah?"
Ayedah automatically ended the call when she recognized Burak's voice, and turned off her phone so as to not receive any more. She felt a surge of annoyance at whoever had given him her phone number, and groaned aloud. Stormy was looking at her weirdly as she dropped her phone on the desk as if it had burned her, and she returned his weird stare. "Don't judge me," she snapped. "I just...I'm not in the mood. I don't want to hear it, especially from him." She lay back down on the bed next to Stormy, her back turned on him, who continued to eye her judgmentally before the two drifted off into an early slumber, Stormy's being more peaceful and rested than Ayedah's.
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Ayedah and Ozge arrived early at the set the next day, before 8AM, both ready for work. It was Ayedah's turn to supervise the actors for the episode they were filming that week, especially as Mehmet Bozdag was upstate for business.
The hate on social media relating to the photo Burak had posted did not stop, and overnight it reached even her direct message requests, so Ayedah was forced to remove the app from her phone- she did not want to delete the account itself, for she knew that if she did, she would come out as a coward to the hundreds and maybe even thousands of people online that were hating on her; and the last thing she wanted was to give them triumph. "So even if I won't be using the account for a while, it'll still look like I'm there just to annoy them a little," she said to Ozge as the actress hung her coat on a hanger in her trailer, where the two were mingling before Ozge began filming and Ayedah supervising the cast as they filmed each of their scenes. "That's sly, and smart too," chuckled Ozge. "I'm proud of you. Glad you didn't let this get you down." Ayedah smiled, though half-heartedly. She was trying hard, but deep down she knew that the hate speech actually still got to her.
"I'm going to go and check on the set of the marquee to see if it's ready," she said, excusing herself, and went off. She walked in a hurry, her feet flying across the damp ground and when she was almost at her destination she nearly collided into Yigit Ucan, who seemed to be in just as a rush as she was. "Oh hi, Yigit. Sorry, excuse me, I have to go and check out the setting and cameras," began Ayedah, trying to push past him, but Yigit stopped her.
"Wait, Ayedah," he said, taking her by surprise. Her brow furrowed as she looked up at him, and stopped in her tracks. "I know what happened online yesterday." Ayedah's heart clenched, but she kept her expression neutral and calm. "Oh, the comments and stuff?" she asked. "Don't worry about it, it doesn't matter." "Okay, I was worried," he said, and his voice lowered to a whisper. "I was kind of afraid you'd be mad at Burak for it." Ayedah faked a look of surprise, and asked, "Why would I be..." Her voice faltered slightly at the look on Yigit's face. "He said that you immediately ended the call after answering it and hearing his voice," he said, his voice sounding rather accusing. "And you didn't even pick up the rest of the other calls- in fact, he thinks you blocked him because they all went immediately to voicemail. Look Ayedah, it isn't his fau-"
"My phone died," Ayedah lied quickly. "I hadn't charged it the whole day, and it died- I didn't even know it was him who called, though." Yigit stared at her for a while, and swallowed. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's just..." He sighed. "Look, Burak really cares about you, okay? He's my best friend and like a younger brother to me, I don't want him to get hurt," he said. "I'm sorry if I was defensive." "It's fine," said Ayedah, giving him a small smile and waving him off as she walked past him toward the marquee, to check on the cameramen. After a brief conversation with them on how she wanted the scenes angled and caught on tape, she hurried off back to Ozge to see if she was ready for filming. The first scene with Bala Hatun that they were preparing for that day was in the marquee along with Ragip Savas, Emre Basalak and Tamer Yigit, who played an older version of Ertugrul Gazi. Though Bala's cameo was going to be short for that scene, Mehmet Bozdag still wanted everything to go perfectly as planned.
As Ayedah walked toward the trailers, she once again heard Burak Celik's deep voice calling out to her. "Ayedah, wait!" Ayedah's legs sped up, sirens ringing in her head at the sound of his voice. No, no not him, not now, she thought desperately, as she tried to ignore the sound of his footsteps racing toward her. "Ayedah, wait, please!" he cried out, and Ayedah knew she probably could not ignore him a second time, so she turned around whilst she was still walking fast and immediately tripped.
"Shit-"
But before she could either fall to the ground or steady herself, a hand grabbed her shoulder and an arm wrapped itself around her waist just in time. Panicked, she pulled herself away and saw that it was Burak who had saved her from a fall. "Are you alright?" he asked. "I'm fine, er, thanks," she muttered, averting her eyes from him and began to walk off again. "Ayedah, wait, please," pleaded Burak, grabbing her arm. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" demanded Ayedah. "Is it about the comments and hate? If it's about that, it's alright, I don't care." She pulled herself out of his grip and tried to walk away again, but Burak was not going to let her go that easily. "Look, Ayedah, if you want me to take it down, I will," he said, his face concerned. "It's clear that you're not okay with it." "What, are you a mind-reader now?" asked Ayedah, taking Burak aback with her tone. She noticed it too, and composed herself. "I said it's fine Burak, just...keep your distance." Her cold words caused his expression to wilt, and she once again tried to walk off, but Burak repeated the process of stopping her. "Please, Ayedah, forgive me," he begged. "I didn't mean for it to happen, I'm sorry." Ayedah opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off.
"Please, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you," he pleaded with her. Ayedah's fists balled; he was becoming persistent, and it was irritating her. Anger bubbled inside of her as her mind fought against itself as he tried to convince her to forgive him- but she did not want to make another choice that caused bad things to happen to her again. "I can say something online, if you want, and I can take the post down, and-"
"Oh my God, Burak, I said it's fine!" shouted Ayedah, silencing the actor. "I'm fine, okay? What part of that do you not understand- just stay away from me, for crying out loud!" Both were shocked by her words and tone, and Burak's worried expression immediately turned into that of deep regret, rejection and sorrow. Ayedah could not help feel a pit of guilt form in her stomach at the look on his face, but her anger won her over this time. Unable to stand looking at him any longer, she turned heel and walked away from him- and this time, he did not stop her.
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A/N: Don't kill me pls 🥺
Well this is sad...but angst makes this writer happy so :D Anyways, yes I updated again ahaha, mostly for my beloved Goldfish who could not stand the cliffhanger of the last chapter XD so this one's for you Love
I hope you guys (kinda) enjoyed this chapter, don't forget to vote + comment and I suppose I will allow you to attack me if you like but don't kill me pwease JSDJHJHDS
Love you guys,
Ayesha <3