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"Aspen!"
I lean my head against Nick's car, the cool metal tingling on my head, melting my anger away. The fresh, crisp air enters my lungs, travels around my blood until it reaches my brain and undoes the anger, removing the memory of my mother's disgusting accusation.
"Let's get home, come on." Nick sighs as his hand rests on my shoulder.
He unlocks the car, and I silently get in. I notice his pursed lips and the way he heaves a silent sigh as he does his seatbelt up. He starts the car, immediately turns the radio off, and I stare out of the window.
I want to tell him what she said wasn't true, that I'm not with him simply because of Gabriel. I'd like to think he knows that anyway, but I can tell it's shaken him just like it has me.
He clicks a few buttons on the dashboard until I hear the phone ringing.
"Nick?"
"Hey, Cara, look, I know I was due in this afternoon, but I've just come from my girlfriend's family funeral, and well, she's not handling it well," Nick explains.
He's told people about me. I assume he's left out the information about how we met.
"It's all good, Nick. I thought it might happen, so I roped in Emily to come in as well. Go be with her. Do you need tomorrow as well?" she asks.
He glances at me. I don't say or give him anything. It's not my place.
"Yeah, is that all right?"
"Of course, I'll see you Monday. You have the weekend off anyway, so have the next three days. Wish her well from us, or you know, condolences," Cara says.
"Will do, thanks. See you Monday," Nick says. They both say goodbye before he hangs up.
Silence is a very underrated thing. It can tell you so much about the current situation and the feelings of the people involved. Right now, it's telling me that Nick and I need to discuss the shit my mother spouted in front of my dead husband's wake.
Ex-husband? Late-husband? Husband? I don't even know what Joel is, or was, anymore. We need to discuss the fact that we both know Monica heard about Nick being Gabriel's adopted brother. I didn't even look at her, but I know everyone heard it; she was loud enough.
The silence is telling me that he knows I'm worried about what he thinks of me. But it's also very telling that he isn't addressing it right now.
I stare at my phone. Five missed calls from my dad, a message asking me to call him when I'm free. A message from Summer asking if I'm okay. A message from Monica: 'Don't let her get to you. Monica.'
I suppose at least she is acting nice. That's one good thing to come out of it.
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He sets two glasses of red wine on the kitchen table.
"Calmer?" he asks.
"Not really, but this will help," I answer and take a large gulp of wine.
"You just disowned your parents at your late husband's wake, Aspen. I think we need to discuss it," Nick says.
"My mother turned up, uninvited to my dead husband's funeral and ran her mouth, Nick. She hysterically called him and me a sinner, ridiculed us and then outed your relationship to the son Joel and I put up for adoption in front of everyone there. That's of course after the twenty years of mental torture she put me through. I think I did myself proud, and I think wherever Joel is right now, he'd be proud of me too," I point out.
"Fuck... Aspen, you think I'm not proud of you? I'm so proud of you, I could burst. After what she did, she deserved a damn slap. I'm just worried you were hasty, especially about your dad. He was there to try and stop her, he clearly wants to build bridges with you. It was a highly emotional day, and I'm worried about you."
I sigh and down the rest of my wine without tasting it. I stare at him in his suit and remember when we shared red wine on our first date – it's an aphrodisiac, and right now my mind knows to take my time devouring him in that suit later when my emotions aren't everywhere.
But right now, all I can think about is that accusation and whether he truly thinks that.
Why would he? We were interested in each other before we worked out who I was to his brother. We've discussed it multiple times, and his parents know and want to meet me.
But her words... could he ever think that about me? What if he thinks I contemplated it after he told me, and he thinks I'm working on some covert plan to get my son back? Especially now Joel is gone? What if he thinks Joel and I came up with the plan to feign a divorce to get our child back and that's why I'm with him, and then Joel died?
"I don't know about my dad, all right? He's been silent this whole time, Nick," I say.
My phone buzzes. My dad.
"Why don't you see what he has to say? He really seemed to want to make it up to you before, he seemed to understand you and us," Nick offers.
I know he's right.
He smiles at me and hands me my phone.
"Dad?" I answer blandly.
"Aspen, look, after what happened, I know you might not want to talk to me, but I want to clear this up. I don't agree with your mother, okay? I... I don't think that about you and Nick for what it's worth. It's clear to see you both love each other, and that situation is between you," Dad says.
"Thank you," I answer. "Look, I meant what I said about Mum. I don't want to see her again. Ever. But... maybe we could try and work things out? I just... for now, I think we need some space. Maybe in a couple of weeks, you and I could try and move on?"
I can tell he's smiling by the way he chuckles a tiny bit. "That would be great. Look, things are not... great with your mother and me right now either. I respect that divorce is okay for you because you don't believe like your mother does, so things for us are a little... well, let's just say—"
"Because of me, right?" I finish for him.
"It's not your fault, Aspen," he says.
"Well, for what's worth, I'm sorry," I answer. "Dad, I need to go. Message me soon, okay?"
"I'll give you some time, but I will," Dad says. "Bye."
I say goodbye and hang up. Nick smiles at me in an 'I told you so' kind of way.
"Did you hear?" I ask.
"I did. You may not feel like it right now, my daisy, but maybe in a week or two you might actually see him differently," he offers.
"Look, what Mum said... you know—"
"I knew this would come up, and no, I don't for one second think what she said about you being with me to be true. It's bullshit, and we both know it," Nick says. I furrow my brow at him. "Aspen, I might appear this airy, cocky, flirty idiot, but I'm not stupid. She was saying everything to get under your skin. Maybe she believes that all to be true. Well, we both know she believes in the religious side of what she said. But I don't believe you're with me to get to Gabriel."
"I'm not. But now she's said it, I'm scared it'll get under our skin." I stare at him.
He shrugs his suit jacket off and ruffles his curls.
The day Joel and I let Gabriel go, I held him in the crook of my arm as he started crying that shrill baby scream for food. I had no idea what I was doing, and while the nurse got him the bottle ready, I put my finger near his mouth. He sucked it, thinking it was milk. It felt weird for a three-day-old baby. His mouth was powerful as he tried to prize milk from my pinkie finger. I remember crying; my hormones were a mess on that day-three hormone crash, my boobs started leaking colostrum at the noise of Gabriel crying, and I didn't want to let him go. I was leaking out of almost every part of me in this mess of an eighteen-year-old giving birth too soon, and Joel wouldn't give me the tiniest bit of comfort. In hindsight, I think he was struggling with the concept of this tiny shrill human being who he had to let go of, who also had the coin toss of a chance of inheriting a killer disease.
"Aspen, I will never think that about you," Nick reassures me.
"What if we get a year down the line and I meet him? What if you think differently then? What if you start thinking about it more now that she's said it—"
"Aspen—"
"What if your parents think about it after I've met them? What if Gabriel likes me? Or if I like Gabriel? What if we ever get engaged—"
"I'd say it's a little soon for that, but I'd be honoured—"
"—and Gabriel gets older, and we get married and, and, and what if Gabriel hates me for giving him up? What if he hates you for dating his mother? What if people find out? Or... or what if—"
"Aspen, stop!"
I heave a breath.
He runs a hand through those curls and gives me a sheepish smile. His dimple comes out and I can tell he's a little flustered.
"That was a lot to take in, but Aspen, listen to me: I do not, and will never think you're with me just for Gabriel. I will never hate you, resent you, anything like that. The facts are that this is a delicate subject, but it's only between you, me, my parents, and when he is older, Gabriel. For now, all we need to worry about is that I do not, will not and never will think what your mother said is right. I'm a grown fucking adult who makes his own choices, and I told you when I did because I felt myself falling for you. You, as an equal adult and Gabriel's birth mum, chose to be with me despite it. Your mum knows nothing, all right? We will take this at your pace."
I nod once, grabbing the bottle of wine and pouring us both another one. As I take a tentative sip, his eyes cloud over with tears. Instinctively, I grab his hand, watching him get blurry. I hate seeing him like this, and even worse because I know this is my fault. Directly or indirectly, he is upset because of me, and I never want to see my curly-haired angel cry.
"Nick, I'm sorry—"
"No, I'm fucking upset because yet again your mother finds a way. She's taken enough from you," Nick rages.
"I'm just—it's not that she's right, it's now that she's acknowledged it... I guess the subject for me has always been like a bubbling volcano, ready to burst and she's boiled it over. It's something I've always let bubble away and never thought about it. I'm worried it might become a thing down the line," I admit.
"I don't think that way," he says. "I think if we approach this the correct way between us all, it can become the norm. If we're serious – and believe me when I say I am with you – then Gabriel will grow up with it, if my parents agree, we can be honest with him when as he grows up, he won't know any different. You might not be his legal mother, but who's to say he doesn't have to know who you are? If he grows with it, he won't think it's weird, nor will any of us. He's two right now, he won't be ready for that until he's what, five or six? By then we'll either be together or not in which case we'll know whether we're serious or not."
He's right. It's unconventional, for sure, but I suppose it is the best way to approach this. If his parents agree, naturally.
"You're right," I admit. "I just never, ever want you or your parents or Gabriel to think that I'm this child snatcher or whatever."
"I promise you, my daisy, we know that," he assures me. He presses a kiss into the back of my hand before grinning at me. "As for your proposal..."
"Nick!" I snort. "I was ranting..."
"I'm pleased to think it might happen!" He smirks. "I mean if you were asking—"
"On the back of my ex-husband's funeral, we might want to visit that subject later," I warn.
He sits up properly in the chair and gets his phone out of his pocket. "Look, would it help settle your mind if I phoned my mum and set a date for you guys to meet? It's probably best if we wait until after the dust has settled from the funeral—"
"This weekend, right? You've got this weekend off?" I suggest.
He sighs. "Will you be okay by then? Aspen, it's three days away."
"I... I really think this is the right thing to do," I insist.
"Aspen, this is all happening so soon. It's been four months since we met, we've been together a month pretty much... maybe we should revisit this when you've moved in?" he whispers. "We have all the time in the world."
"We don't. You never know what's going to happen, Nick! Look at Joel... despite his illness, he only lived three months," I point out. "I... don't want them to think I'm with you because of Gabriel. Maybe meeting them will get that out in the open. I need to meet the people who adopted Joel's son. My son. Biological son."
"Aspen... I... I'm not sure it'll solve your problems. But... if you think it'll help... are you sure?" he asks with a sigh.
"Yes."
"You know you won't be meeting Gabriel, right? I don't want you to get it in your head that you will," Nick says.
"I know, that's fine. I think it's far too early for that," I say.
He shakes his head. "Okay, I'll phone my mum." He dials the number. I listen to the conversation – it's quick and concise and he keeps the small talk to a minimum. When he's done, he looks at me with a smile.
"They're free the day after you move in. They'll get a babysitter and they'll come to mine for three, all right?" Nick says. "Aspen, if you're not up for this, you tell me, okay?"
I nod. "I think it would help me... I think it'll help to get my mum's words out of my head, you know. Facing this situation head-on instead of letting it simmer will help me heal in a way."
He stands up and I instantly stand and fold myself in his arms. I let myself get taken over by his scent, by his touch, the feel of his arms around me, the sound of his heart beating and instantly everything feels lighter, more manageable.
"Everything will be fine, okay? I promise. Soon enough we'll be living together, soon enough we'll be on the right track, okay? This will all feel like a drop in the ocean," he whispers into my hair.
"I hope so," I say.
I smile and move away. "Something I've been wanting to say all day; you look fucking hot in a suit."
He chuckles and kisses my forehead. "Well, I'm no James Bond, but thanks. Don't think I didn't hear you swear, either!"
"I'd rather have my knight in blue scrubs than James Bond any day of the week," I tease. "And... I'm trying this thing where swearing doesn't make me feel guilty."
"You've had one too many glasses of wine. Come on, we've got a bloody Netflix list the size of a mountain—"
"I love you."
"I love you too, my daisy. Come on; pyjamas and blanket on the sofa."
"Thank you."
He kisses my lips quickly before answering: "You don't need to thank me. I'll always be here for you. Always."
The way he kisses me fully, wholly and passionately after saying those words makes the words of my mum melt away. He pushes them down past the surface with just his touch. He dissolves my doubts with the lap of his tongue. I don't think I'll ever fully be free of them, but for now, Nick is literally the knight I need. He manages in a way no one else has before to help fight away the years of tightening my mum has done in my mind and banishes it. While Joel was the man who taught me how to sin, Nick is the knight to come and help save me from both heaven and hell and deliver me to the world I believe in.
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