"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace." - Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
Manik pushed open the door and immediately felt all the tension leave his body, his shoulders relaxed and a smile began to carve its way up on his face as his eyes fell on the woman sitting on the bed with her back to him, her waist length hair dripping wet and scattered on her back. Manik shook his head and picked up the dry towel from the cupboard and walked towards her, startling her.
She looked up at Manik, a hazy confusion in her eyes that stayed just for a second or two before she gave him his favorite, full blown smile making him breath in relief. Very tenderly, he began to pat dry her hairs, while she let him, sitting quietly like an obedient child.
Manik couldn't help but steal glances every few seconds but she wouldn't look his way, her gaze was fixed on the window.
"Did you eat?", he asked, being done with her hairs. She broke her staring game and looked up.
"Aadya said she would bring me fairy cookies and magic powder cake. I have been waiting for her", she answered with an excited twinkle filling her eyes, the crease on her forehead smoothening out and in Manik's opinion, nobody could look at her and say she was one day older than her mid twenties. But then, she had always been beautiful. And when asked, her patent answer was love and kindness makes you glow, always.
Manik maintained his smile and quickly walked out of the room, into the kitchen and plated some Dal and vegetable rice - light and healthy, and went back inside, sitting beside her.
"You can have the cookie and the cake as dessert right? How about we get some food into your tummy? We also have medicines to take, remember?", he nudged her gently, and scooped a spoonful forwarding it to her. She immediately scrunched her nose at the mention of medicines but ate the food nonetheless. Post eating - both food and medicines, Manik helped her lie down and pull up the duvet.
"Don't close the window, Aadya hates knocking", she mumbled, already half asleep.
"I won't", Manik sat on his knees beside the bed and dropped a chaste kiss on her forehead, "Have a nice dream Maa", his eyes turned soft as he watched her fall asleep.
Suddenly, it all vanished in thin air - the bed, the window, his mother. It was dark everywhere. All he could see were flames, red and yellow flames that threatened to burn him alive. He stood up with a jerk, scared out of her wits.
"Maa?", he called out, his heart beats erratic as he tried spotting his mother in between the fire, but he could see nothing because the fire was hurting his eyes.
And then he heard it, the sob - a very familiar sob. His heart crumbled hearing her cries, each one piercing a dagger through his heart.
"Maa!!!!!", Manik screamed, trying to find her but failing miserably. The struggle continued for a few minutes before he could see her again, standing on the other side of the fire. Somehow it wasn't hurting her, she looked alright.
"Maa", his voice was desperate but his mother's eyes glared at him with burning rage, something akin that fire.
"You shouldn't have done this Manik Malhotra, you shouldn't have killed Aadya. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE KILLED HER!!!!"
Manik woke up screaming, his entire body trembling from the intensity of that nightmare. Sweat beads formed all over his forehead, his shirt wet with perspiration too. For a prolonged moment, he was confused, but then his eyes fell on the clock kept by his bedside and he sucked in a sharp breath.
4 AM in the morning.
Ofcourse.
Freaking 4 AM - the exact time at which almost two years ago, Aadya Verma had jumped off the building and changed everything forever.
He rubbed his hands all over his face, frustrated. Throwing the covers off, he walked straight into the attached washroom and turned the shower on. His hands rested on the wall as he let the water cascade down his bent head, falling down the contour of his shoulders.
"You shouldn't have killed her"
The voice rang in his ears again and Manik screamed, throwing his right hand against the wall, and in turn hitting the cabinet beside before one swift motion of his hand brought all his precious toiletries to the ground. He could still feel the anger bubbling inside, his chest was heaving up and down with so much pressure, he almost felt like his lungs were giving up.
Turning the knob off, he slid down the shower wall, and put his head in his hands, bursting into loud sobs. He hadn't had this same dream in over four-five months, but today, the intensity had left him burning on the insides.
"I did not kill her", he mumbled to himself before rage burnt him again, "Why do I feel like I didn't kill her when every fucking person know I did? Why?", he cried out yet again, like the numerous times in the past two years, feeling the heaviness in his chest increasing with his sobs.
How he managed to pull himself up, discard his clothes and wrap a bathrobe was beyond him, but he did manage to drag himself to the bed, popped three pills together and hid his face in the pillow, drugged to a dreamless sleep.
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Nandini pulled her knees upto her chest and rested her left cheek on it, her eyes focused on her laptop, but her mind, haywire.
"This can be a very important evidence for us", the lawyer spoke from the screen, extremely impressed, "And the way she had broken it down for us, it really gives us an edge".
Aradhya smiled from the screen, her eyes filled with gratitude for Nandini, who was in the moment, totally oblivious to it.
Hours ago, when she had reached back to her apartment, the first thing she had done was to block Manik's thoughts and concentrate only on the file. And she couldn't tell if she was relieved or burdened to find how messed up the file was.
Aadya Verma, 17 year old was first brought to the AIIMS psychiatry Opd on 8th April, 2018 and she was seen by Dr. Manik Malhotra as per the file.
Nandini had read the first entry - it wasn't Manik's handwriting, she assumed it was whoever was assisting him - theirs. But the notes after the first therapy session, taken on 10th April, 2018 - was his.
"Classic case of Anxiety and Moderate depression. Patient seems to hold on to lot of pent up guilt and significant underlying trauma. Minor anti depressants prescribed to counter the beginning of suicide impulse".
Below his note, were written a few medicines that Nandini had observed were exactly what he wrote - minor pills.
He had scheduled her weekly session after that, each session was individually handled by him. The notes after every session were his handwriting, she had cross checked all of them and not only that, they were all progressively better.
Aadya was coping well - this, she remembered herself too from having this discussion with Aaradhya several times during that duration. Aadya was recovering well, and Nandini was happy, not only because her best friend's little sister was finally getting better, but also because she got to hear about her crush, Manik Malhotra first hand. The way he was treating Aadya had only gained him more respect from her.
By then it had been almost a year of their chance meeting at her college - she still remembered that day too well. And listening to how good he was with Aadya only made her fascination grow.
Then came July 26th, 2018, nearly two and half month later- the session has been cancelled out of the blue because Manik was on unannounced leave - the entry read, and it was a hurried handwriting. Aadya had been asked to check in next week.
Post that, two each of her sessions had been taken alternate weeks by Dr. Malik and Dr. Simran, their notes weren't anything substantial but it was clear Aadya had been having a hard time opening upto either of them. Dr. Malik in his last session had increased her dosage of anti depressants too, along side adding a mild anti anxiety drug.
Nandini remembered this time vividly.
July 2018 - she had visited home that month, it was her father's birthday. Both Aaradhya and Aadya had come for the mini celebration at Murthy house, given they were neighbors and pretty close. The two girls had been brought up by their mother, their father had left after Aadya's born because he didn't want a daughter, much less two.
Nandini remembered talking to Aadya - she was mostly lost in her own world, not keen on interacting. Anything would easily startle her and she was clearly too anxious, hence Dr. Malik's note now made complete sense to her.
But what had alarmed her was, the reports after this.
Apparently Manik had returned next week, in end of August and taken her session. His note was detailed, like she was used to seeing him write - clearly mentioning her relapse, and that she was worse then when she came. He had changed her medicines and began again from the scratch, on August 29, 2018.
But post this note, all the notes had his signature, but they weren't his writing at all. They were hurried, and somewhere towards the end of September, a sleek mention of probable schizophrenia had been done. Few medicines were added, but Nandini knew Aadya never took these.
Whatever was prescribed to her, was also sent to Nandini just for an assurance, because Aaradhya trusted her judgement and Nandini remembered pretty well that these were never in her prescription.
It was then she noticed the pattern - all these reports from first week of September to mid October were written in the same handwriting and probably the same ink, which was a huge clue..
All of them, until October 25th, 2020 - the day Aadya had her last session, and the night that took her away forever.
Every session was dated at least one week apart, and PGs and even senior doctors who attended regular opds hardly could drag a pen for 4-5 days. This wasn't Manik's writing, which meant it had to be the PG working under him that week given it had Manik's due signature in the end. But again PGs shuffled every 15 days two, how was it that the same person wrote this reports for more or less six weeks?
Or well maybe these were all written together and only dated afterwards, copied from the original reports.
Nandini wasn't sure if she was thinking right or just stressing herself out, but one major question was why hadn't Manik done the notes himself, like he always did? If he was taking the sessions, why hadn't he added the notes?
And there was no one else who could answer this question but Manik.
"Nandini?", Aaradhya called from the screen, breaking her chain of thoughts, "I think you should sleep, it's past two in the morning. You have work tomorrow", her concern made Nandini smile. She nodded, ending the call after wishing them good night and put her laptop aside before climbing into her bed.
A hundred questions ran through her mind but amidst all this, only one face kept haunting her.
"I didn't play you Nandini, what you thought about me, what I made you think about me - isn't a complete lie", his words from that one Sunday rang in her ears again and again until she sat up, frustrated.
He did play her, she knew that. But then why was she willing to believe him and his words?
Something was amiss in the story, even if Manik's involvement was certain, she could feel it in her gut that there was something more to this what met the eye.
But one thing was clear, she would have to talk to Manik about this - directly. Yes, he might lie, but she already had a rough sketch of what had happened, and though he was good at manipulation, she was no less.
It was time for a much needed conversation.
P. S : Update schedule for this story would be every alternate Saturday from now on. This was this week's update, two days in advance. Next update would be next to next Saturday and so on ❤️
Thank you for keeping your patience with me, I am grateful 🙈