Vanish – Giveon.
"Saying things I don't mean, to the one that means the world to me, you see what I mean? Saying things I don't mean. Girl, you mean the world to me, yes, you do. I know, I'm sorry; I can be a hypocrite. I got stuff to work on, you got stuff to work on; but, we're gonna make it work. I love you." – "Vanish" Giveon
Btw, this is just a filler but it's an important one.
There's also a little time-lapse in this chapter nothing big though just like two weeks (or however long exams last for you) and the two events that take place in this chapter are unrelated but I didn't see the sense in wasting two chapters on two fillers -of the same nature- that I could've just combined.
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✨Kyle✨
"Kyle Andrés Hernández put the bottle down and go to bed"
Alia's voice rings through my head as I stumble into bed; there's no point trying to fall asleep now, we have to be up in two hours to go to our exams but I just need to be by her side for as long as I can. It's five in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. Insomnia has long been a problem for me, the only way for me to get a decent amount of sleep is for me to get so drunk or high I have no choice but to pass out; but Alia doesn't like it when I drink and I don't smoke anymore so I just walk around feeling like a zombie most of the time.
Alia is the best thing that has happened to me in years; she's too good for me if you ask me. I'll never be able to understand why she puts up with me; my own parents didn't want me why should she?
She's selfless and she keeps me in check and Lord knows I'd be lying if I didn't say she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. We're not explicitly together and I've never been this happy about anything in my entire life, she deserves more than I can ever give to her and as selfish as I am, I know that I need to let her go.
I want her to be happy and I know she's miserable with me; of course, if I ask her, she'll say she's as happy as she has ever been but I know her and I know that, that would have been a lie. Love should never be an excuse for unhappiness and I've been stringing her along for more than a year, knowing that I have no intentions of changing.
The meaning of love is everchanging, but as sure as I am that love does not mean not having to say you're sorry; I am sure that love does not mean sacrificing your sanity just to keep another happy.
Alia is fierce and she wears her heart on her sleeve; she's not quiet about what she loves and she's passionate about love. She loves first and asks questions later; she never judges and no matter who you are she is going to make sure that you're okay. She puts everyone else before her and she often forgets to take the time to take care of herself but she never misses the opportunity to take care of someone else. I don't know what it does for her but it seems to make her happy and frankly her happiness is the only thing that matters.
She deserves someone that can do for her what she does for others; she deserves to be loved; she deserves to be treasured. She deserves all the happiness that the world has to offer and I can't give that to her. I don't know how to take care of her; hell, I don't even know how to take care of myself. She needs somebody that can make her feel right -emotionally- after a long day but I always seem to add to her stress. I can't be there for her in ways that she needs me, only in the ways that she wants me and I don't know if that's enough for her but I know it shouldn't be.
Her being with me should be embarrassing for her, she can do so much better yet she's here in my bed trying to love me. I hate that she's stuck on me, I hate that she refuses to go; it's like the more I mess up the more she wants to be around me. She seems to be blinded by me and I don't think I'm okay with that; I need her to see that she can do so much better than a person like me.
She has Luca, I'm sure he can do for her what I cannot.
"Staring is a sin you know Ky and sins buy you a first-class ticket to hell" she grumbles rolling over on her side to face me; her small frame tangled up in the navy-blue sheets. She squeezes her golden-brown upturned eyes together trying to block out the light of the rising sun, her button nose scrunches up as a yawn slip past her lips; she brings her hand up to cover her mouth and I'm happy that this is the first thing I get to see this morning.
"I'd crawl on my hands and knees through the pits of hell just to be able to stare at you every day," I tell her running my index finger from the top of her forehead down the bridge of her nose.
"Only you can be this sweet so early in the morning" she smiles groggily, untangling herself from the sheets.
"What time is it?" she asks finally opening her eyes and sitting up.
"6:30" I yawn.
"Did you come to bed last night?" she asks rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"No, I fell asleep in the living, I just came in here not too long ago"
"You slept?" she asks looking over at me with her eyebrows drawn together.
"I did"
Lying is a sin that people actually go to hell for.
It's too early for you to be yapping in my head, please shut up.
"6:30" she hums standing from the bed.
"I need to leave for campus soon, I don't want to be late for my first set of exams" she stretches her hands over her head as she walks to the bathroom.
"Do you want to go out for dinner later? Emily says she'll be spending the night with Val and Aurora so I guess we won't have much to do" she half shouts from the bathroom; her words coming off weird as she brushes her teeth.
"No, I don't think we should" I shake my head though she can't see me.
"What was that?" she asks walking out of the bathroom; a purple and white face towel slung over her left shoulder.
"I said, I don't think we should go out tonight," I say picking up my phone off the nightstand.
"In fact," I start again before she can say anything else.
"I don't think we should be seeing each other anymore"
"What do you mean you don't think we should be seeing each other anymore?" she asks her eyebrows scrunching together as she looks at me in confusion.
"I mean we shouldn't be doing this" I motion between us with my index finger.
"Whatever this is" I finish sitting up against the headboard.
"I don't understand Kyle, you're not making any sense" she shakes her head knitting her eyebrows even tighter together.
"I thought this was something you wanted, I thought you were happy," she says fiddling with the ends of the towel on her shoulder.
"It was something I wanted, I never told you I was happy. I don't want this anymore and I don't want you"
Maybe you shouldn't have been that harsh?
Maybe not but she won't leave unless I can convince her that I don't want this.
"Y-you don't mean that Kyle, stop lying to yourself, stop lying to me:" she sighs, her voice cracking as she speaks.
"I'm not lying to you Alia; whatever this is, it has to stop. You're better off without me and I'm tired of having you around all the time. You should try spending some time with Luca for a change, he's your boyfriend after all"
I hope you'll have fun convincing yourself that that's true.
Shut the hell up.
"I won't be better off without you Kyle and even if I would be; I'm doing just fine as I am right now," she says completely avoiding the fact that I told her to go spend time with her boyfriend.
"Alia, what will it take for you to understand? I don't want you; I don't want to be around you; I don't want to hear your annoying voice 24 hours of every day. You annoy me and you get on top of my nerves daily and I need you gone so I can finally get some peace and quiet in this goddamn house!" I shout slamming my hand down on the nightstand making her flinch.
"I... I uhm I don't know what to say to you Kyle" she says tears brimming at the corner of her eyes.
"You don't need to say anything Alia, just get your stuff and go" I sigh running my hand over my face.
"Please don't do this Kyle, I know you don't mean all this. Whatever you're going through we can fix it together. Together always and forever remember?" she says after a few moments of silence.
Juntos siempre y para siempre Kyle; never forget.
Shut up.
"I love you Kyle" she whispers and my heart sinks.
She's never told me that before.
"You don't love me Alia" I shake my head looking her in the eyes.
"You love the fact that there is something in me that needs fixing. You love the fact that no matter how many times you patch me up there is always something there for you to fix. You're a fixer Alia and you've convinced yourself that you love me because there is always something there that needs patching up and you love that. You need to stop lying to yourself Ali, you deserve better than me"
"You know what Kyle" she starts, nodding her head.
"You're right," she says picking up her phone and cross bag off the nightstand on her side of the bed.
"I do deserve better. I deserve better than someone that pushes me away at every single inconvenience, maybe I do deserve someone who refuses to let go of their past and be there for themself and I do deserve someone who refuses to learn how to love because he's afraid of the pain associated with loving someone else. I deserve better than someone who is always fighting with themself, I deserve better than someone who refuses to love themself; I deserve better than you"
"But you're the one that I want and you're the only one that I'll ever want"
"But I'll leave, I'll give you your space and I'll give you time to figure yourself out. I'll be here whenever you're ready to come back to me; I'll wait on you forever if that's what it takes" she says walking to the door.
"Then you'll be waiting in vain"
Just like Bob Marley.
That's not funny.
"Even then, I'll continue to wait some more," she says leaning against the door.
"Don't put your life on hold for me Alia"
"I had no intentions of doing that," she says opening the door.
"Good luck on your exams my love; I'll see you around" she smiles walking out the door.
Leaving me alone in my room tainted with the scent of her lavender shampoo and perfume; regretting the things that I just said. Regretting everything I've done to myself; regretting the unsettling thoughts that have evaded my head. Regretting the fact that because of my stupidity I lost the best thing that has ever happened to me, once again.
☄️Carter☄️
"Aren't you going to say something?" she asks as I drive off from the stoplight.
"You expect me to say something?" I ask monotonously not even looking at her.
"Yes Carter, as a matter of fact, I do" she hisses and from the corner of my eye, I see her turn her body slightly towards me.
"Then me what you want me to say Aria and I will repeat your words, I don't see any other possible solution" I mutter taking the turn to take us out of downtown.
"You cannot be serious" she huffs and I can see the frustration on her face through the corner of my eye.
"I am as serious as a heart attack; more serious in fact" I sigh turning on the radio.
"Did you sleep with her?" she asks after a few beats of silence.
"Are you seriously asking me that Coleman?" I ask her as a wave of anger washes over me.
She's been on this for months, about three or four to be exact; every single girl that has something to say to me on the road she convinces herself that I have a history with them. I couldn't even enjoy the dinner that was supposed to help us relieve the accumulated stress from the -now-ended- exam season; because some girl from my high school, bloody high school decided to stop by the table and say hello.
The English accent and choice words are coming out again.
Shut up.
I do not despise being an Englishman in fact, I am proud of being the only Englishman amongst my friends but the accent brought too much attention to me so I tried very hard to adapt the local one and it was working but when Aria rides my nerves -like she's doing now- it seems to come out.
Oh, the joys of being in love.
Shut the hell up.
"Yes, Carter I am seriously asking you that" she hisses turning off the radio.
"I was listening to that" I roll my eyes.
"I do not care" she grits out.
"Did you or did you not sleep with her Carter?" she asks again swatting my hands from the radio.
"I don't even know her name Aria!" I groan in frustration.
"Lack of basic knowledge hasn't stopped a man before" she rolls her eyes, crossing her hands over her chest.
"I- wow" I utter at a loss for words; she really does think that lowly of me?
"Well to answer your question; for as far back as I can remember, no I did not sleep with her" I mutter as I slow to a stop at yet another stoplight.
"I'm sorry, it's just- "
"No, you're not sorry Aria and you know you're not" I cut her off shaking my head.
"Well forgive me for wanting reassurance" she shouts out in annoyance.
What is she annoyed about? I'm the one sick and tired of her constant accusations I should be the one annoyed.
"Reassurance? Why the hell would you need reassurance? I've been with you at least 19 out of 24 hours of every day since we've been together. When I'm not with you, I'm on the phone with you. You always know where I am; you always know what I'm doing. Bloody hell Coleman I live with you!" I hiss in exasperation parking the car in the middle of the road.
It's a little after midnight, the roads are empty so I doubt anyone will have a problem with us arguing in the middle of the road.
"You can do a lot of things while you're on the phone Carter," she says flatly, looking me straight in the eyes.
"And you have a reputation Carter, things like that just don't go away"
"For the love of God Aria, I grew up around these parts; my parents are well respected, accomplished members of not just the community but the whole county. I have been friends with some of the most influential families in the county for years; now I'm with you, your parents are known and respected as well. People know me Aria; just as they know you"
"And to add to that I played football all my high school years, my two years in college, and two of my university years. It is only natural that I would've been flocked by girls; for some reason, females like athletes and I was an athlete"
"In fact," I say when she says nothing.
"That is how I met you. Do you remember Kyle and I came down to Hopewell two years ago? You were a cheerleader and we met at the football match. You were a cheerleader; men love cheerleaders active or retired yet you don't see me assuming that you've been in bed with every man that speaks to you"
"I am not that person anymore, I-" she starts but I cut her off with a shake of my head.
"So, you are capable of change and I am not?" I ask her confused.
"I didn't say that Beckett," she says her voice so soft I barely heard her.
"You don't need to say certain things to imply them love" I sigh resting my head on the back of the seat.
"I'm sorry" she mutters toying with her fingers in her lap.
"Do you trust me at all?" I ask turning my head slightly to the side so that I can see the side of her face.
"I-I... I don't know" she shrugs shaking her head.
"You don't know if you trust me yet you've been telling me that you love me?"
"You don't need to trust someone to love them, Carter"
"Bullshit Aria" I close my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose.
"I don't know what to say to you Beckett, honestly" she sighs after a few moments of deafening silence.
"I don't either. I don't think I know how to be with a person that doesn't trust me" I sigh straightening up in the seat.
"What do you mean?" she asks sitting up as well.
"I mean Aria, that I don't think I can, -in good conscience- be with you anymore" I sigh putting the car in drive.
"You're breaking up with me?" she asks surprised.
"Love without trust is a withering love; it's best to kill it before it kills the both of us and/or the friendship between us" I sigh as I drive us back to the apartment.
"I'll take the guest room; you can have the bedroom until one of us figures out how to fix this" I sigh stepping out of the car.
"Carter?" she calls behind me.
"Yes?" I turn to her.
"I'm sorry if I hurt you" she whispers, sincerity flickering over her brown eyes.
She did hurt me but that's okay; a bruise to the ego is nothing compared to what she must be going through. I see her fighting with herself daily there's something going on with her, something I wish she would speak to me about. If I have to push her away for her to speak to me, I will push her as far as I can just so she can break herself for the greater good and I will help her put herself back together.
She doesn't need to trust me or even love me; she just needs to be here with me. I will trust us enough for the both of us until she learns to trust me on her own, and I will love us enough for the both of us until she learns to love me enough on her own.
Time is unstable and so is existence but I would rather spend my unstable existence beside the woman I love fighting for her to better herself; she deserves the world and I am determined to give that to her; but first I must give her, herself.
"Let's just go home love".
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a/n: These men calling their respective women 'the most beautiful woman' they've ever seen is upsetting me and my homegirls.
What do we think about this chapter?
I don't know what's wrong with Kyle but I am definitely going to find out. Since we're on the topic, Alia saying she'll wait on Kyle to work on himself forever is a type of love I do not ever want to experience; to each her own though.
The Bob Marley reference was for the culture.
You when Megan said 'Big D stands for big demeanour" I think she was talking about Carter cause chillee let me tell you, when he said 'She deserves the world and I am determined to give that to her, but first I must give her myself' I was shocked; because what man from our generation would say something like that and mean especially after getting a blow to their ego? Tell me, I'll wait.
I really don't know how Carter ended being British (or how any of the characters ended up being anything) but it seems to be working so I'm not complaining.
Also, I don't know how I forgot to mention this but TACOL is set in the present -minus corona obviously- in a place called Azmar County the communities Willowdale, Gransville, etc are all in this place; I didn't pick a country for it to be in though so it's just a fictional place.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and please stay safe from the virus; thank you so much for reading.
Word Count: 3219.