I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH
HOPE YOU ALL LOVE IT
AND OF COURSE, 'CAUSE I'M A MUSHY MESS, I'LL WRITE A NOTE AFTER THIS
okay, get your shit together.
we started this together, let's finish it together.
shall we?
-
"Though we're tethered to the story we must tell, when I saw you, well I knew we'd tell it well. With a whisper we will tame the vicious seas," Turning Page by Sleeping at Last
August 31th, 2013 // Zoey Willow Hunter.
About 61 days since she has met Nico Bear Forrest.
"ZOZO?" a shy voice prickled at my ears and small fingers poked my stomach. It seemed and felt vague, far away. A memory living in the back of my mind, not important enough for me to open its drawer and enter it.
Current reality was that he stood before me, with an empty stare and statue-like features. He wouldn't stop shaking his head, disapproval dripping in every action. He then began to wave goodbyes, with a picturesque smile and unblinking eyes.
"Stay," my body quivered as a whole. "Please, stay."
"ZOEY!" screeched a voice in my ear, making me jump out of bed and fall on the ground. My rear-end sent a complaint to my nerves. I put my hand on it, rubbing it to ease the pain.
I opened my eyes, greeted by a frustrated Julia Hunter, with crossed arms. Her nostrils flared adorably and her normally neat hair was filled with several pigtails. She stomped her foot on the floor in a sequence, annoyance flowing through.
The discomfort of wearing the same clothes overnight hit me. The fabric of my jeans felt too tight, my bra was misplaced and the front of my shirt was twisted to the back.
"What's wrong?" I grumbled, stumbling to my night stand and tying up my nest of hair into a unrespectable bun on the middle of my head. "Why would you wake me up like this?"
Julia huffed, "I been tryna wake you up for 27 minutes." She tapped her brand new Dollar store watch, which I now regretted buying her.
"Why in the world would you do that?"
"Because I need food and no one is home," she rubbed her stomach for emphasis.
I rolled my eyes, "you woke me up for food?" She pouted and let out a melodramatic sigh.
"Fine, I get it," I said. "Let me shower, then I'll make you eggs, alright?"
She bobbed out of the room happily. Being without Skye to take care of Julia was a challenge. Skye was much closer to her than I ever was. They spent most days of summer together, Skye wanted to compensate for the days where she wouldn't be present. Mom would eventually help, when school started.
I grabbed my phone, instinctively running my fingers through the cracks. It buzzed in my hands; I had four text messages from Diana and two from Joel.
Merida-aka-Diana: what happened w/nico? is he leaf?
Merida-aka-Diana: duck sorry, leaving??
Merida-aka-Diana: duck** I meant duck*
Merida-aka-Diana: DUCKING DUCK I MEANT FUCK
Joel the real J: z que pasa with nico?
Joel the real J: ANSWEEEEEEEEEEER MEEEEEEE plzplzplz PLEAAAAASE
The phone felt heavy in my hands. My mind went through a recapitulation of what happened last night. The memories of the pizzeria, the pancakes, sitting by the lake all came back with force. My heart dropped to the bottom of my stomach at the missing memory of Nico saying he'd stay.
He didn't say he'll stay.
"Hi, can I speak to Nicolas?" I said, struggling to keep my voice steady. If my phone were an arm, it would get blisters at how hard I was holding it.
His father's gruff voice registered in my brain, "He's not here. Who is this?"
"Zoey, sir. Is he gone?" I asked.
"I—uh, I thought he told you. He left thirty minutes ago."
He left.
"Thank you," I replied. "I've got to go."
That asshole.
I hung up. Only one choice was dangling in front of me with neon lights.
I couldn't do anything alone, though. I walked into the bathroom with new clothes. After having washed my face and combed my hair into a dull low ponytail, I slid an oversized SORRY, I DON'T CARE sweater on and Bermuda short jeans.
I carefully made Julia two pancakes, served them to her and let her munch away happily, then called the one person I knew would help, no matter what.
"James?" I said.
After a whole lot of groaning, I heard: "Zoey? What's up? It's barely 7:30. You're interrupting my until-12-pm-sleep."
"I need your help."
"What's wrong?" his voice shifted to serious within moments.
"Nico. He left. I need to get to the airport."
I could hear shuffling around, "I'll drive you. Be there in 10."
I sighed in relief and turned to my younger sibling. She gave me a toothy smile, obviously enjoying the pancakes. (Even though, these weren't my best.)
"You ready for school?" I asked her.
The contents of her Batman—she never liked Disney princesses. She didn't see them as heroes—lunchbox were more than effective: a grilled cheese sandwich, apple juice box, a banana and a note saying: have a happy day, don't forget to smile! love you. —z
She shrugged, toying with the last half of her pancake. "There's this boy."
"And?" my interest sparked.
"His name's Ben. He says that because I'm a girl, I shall end up bringing food to my hubby one day. 'S annoying."
"To hell with Ben," I answered, zipping up her bag and putting it close to the door. "He's a pig. You're an independent, beautiful woman who'll be more successful than he ever will be."
"Really?" she smiled. "I'm sussful."
"Successful," I corrected, taking her plate. "No need to learn it for now, Jules."
A series of loud honking made me jump and drop the plastic plate in the sink. My reflex was to get scared for the plate, but thankfully it wasn't glass. I grabbed Julia's hand, her bag and the keys to the house and we were out of the house in seconds.
James's beaten down BMW stood in our driveway, he ushered for me to hurry. I got in the backseat of the car, holding Julia closely. James gave Julia a high-five.
"Morning, kiddo," he told her.
"Morning! I'm a sussful woman!"
James gave me a questioning look but answered: "I'm sure you are."
"The kindergarten is—"
"I know where it is, Z. There's only one."
He dropped Julia off at the little house. My worries weren't gone until I gave Julia to Miss Yolan, seeing my little sister run to her friends.
"Let's go," said James, opening the front seat door for me.
I got in. My body sunk into the seat and I pulled the seat belt on with difficulty. James' dad handed over the car to him, after a long fight. It needed fixing and tinkering with. James saved up money to give it a full restoration, once we graduated.
"You okay?" he asked.
I kicked my shoes off, put my feet on the seat and pulled them close to me. I put my head on them and closed my eyes, trying to rest my eyes. I was inexplicably exhausted this morning, drained of any energy.
"Nope."
He rolled the windows down a little, "what're you going to tell him when you see him?"
"Dunno. I'll tell him about how much of an asshole move he pulled by leaving without telling me. Maybe convince him to stay. But I—I don't know what to do. It's just, I care about him a lot, you know?"
James gave me an understanding look, "I know, believe me."
"Can we not talk about this? Just thinking of him makes everything hurt."
"Sure," said James, puffing out his lips. While wild strands of my hair came out to party because of the wind, his coal black coat of hair stayed immune to the effects. His skin reminded me of the color of industry wood—a chocolate color, smooth to any touch.
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
I noticed the pack of cigarettes in the cup holder. It was halfway empty. The swoosh of the memory of throwing away Nico's hit me hard. They had a lot in common, Nico and James. This was one of the reasons they related to certain subjects so well.
"You interested in anyone?"
His eyes stayed on the road, but he chuckled soundly, as if reminiscing about a joke no one understood but him, "you could say so."
"Who?"
"Can't. She's a special one," he said.
"Tell me about her, then. Is it anyone I know?"
He glanced at me for half a second, "she's an old friend of ours. Beautiful, strong and well, basically, perfect. She's got something about her, you know?"
"Hm," the sound of him talking in that way about a girl was nice to my ears. I got a strange happiness out of hearing about people's crushes. "How long have you liked her?"
"Longer than you'd imagine."
"How come you never told any of us?"
He bit his lip, "I'm not—I don't know. She's different. She's special."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. She gets happy around food, it's hilarious. And she gives the best hugs. She can't stay mad at me for more than a few minutes. I just, she's fun to be around. Plus, she's adorable."
He put the radio on and an unfamiliar song came on. I moved my fingers along just for the fun of it, but couldn't help but drifting away to the times I listened to music with Nico.
"Hey, Zoey?"
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. The wind's swoosh tickled my skin and calmed my messy nerves. The feel of the cheap leather under my hands felt soothing. The smell of fresh air helped my lungs recycle the negative, Nico related thoughts out. If I allowed myself to drift away, I'd be guaranteeing myself a lifetime of sleep.
"Yeah?"
"I think," paused James, "that if Nico lets you go, he's an idiot."
"Really?" I smiled at him, but it didn't reach my heart.
"Yeah. You're worth nothing but the best."
I leaned over and placed a kiss on his cheek, "thank you. You too. I hope that girl realizes how good you are for her."
"Me too."
"I'm scared," I admitted, "I don't want him to break my heart. I feel like I've trusted him with everything and he could betray me at any minute. I don't want him to go. Everything in my mind is scared of him leaving. I'm so used to him."
"He's like a drug?" Offered James. "Not literally."
"I guess?" I said, "In a way, he's like drugs. Even if I've never tried it. He gets you addicted."
"Z, listen. If he loves you, he'll stay. And if he goes, he loves you but he doesn't want to admit it. He's a coward, that one. I promise you, what's meant to be will happen."
"When'd you get so deep?" I hit his arm lightly.
He grinned at me, "When I met you."
-
8:30 a.m.
"I'm going in with you, just in case," said James.
The airport towered over both of us. Busy, tired people walked by. Taxis greeted them. The cold air of the morning made me squeeze my sweater closer to my body. Regrets pondered in my head but I prepared myself to face him.
James led me inside and we began the search for Nico. With every step that got us closer to him, my blood pumped loudly in my body. Every pulse echoed in my brain, in my palms and in my legs.
He couldn't have been waiting at the gates already. I knew him; when it was too early, an hour drive got prolonged. He couldn't have been too far.
I spotted a dark haired boy, standing behind a codger—waiting to pass by security. James let go of my hand and walked over to Nico, shouting his name. He turned around, shocked, and went to the back of the line to talk to James face-to-face. Complaints were heard, including insults about unnecessary teenage drama. All air seemed difficult to breathe at the sight of Nico.
"You dick," said James. His jaw clenched and his lips pursed into a thin line, which was unnerving to see, because he had big lips. "You hurt her, man."
Nico took a step towards his furious friend, "James, c'mon—"
And what James did next surprised me to my toes; he punched Nico's cheek harshly. Nico held his face, grunting in pain, but I doubted that anything was broken. James knew what he was doing, and what the purpose of it was. A buff security guard ran to him, restraining him from doing anything else.
"She's Zoey, Forrest. I wasn't kidding when I told you not to hurt her. And now you're leaving? Do you have any fucking idea how much you're going to hurt her? She's going to have her heart fucking broken, Forrest. It'll be your entire fault. And I'll take care of her," said James, "you have no fucking right to hurt her like that."
I put my hand on James' arm, his muscles relaxed, "please, don't."
His eyes softened, he gave me a nod and went to stand by a wall; being lectured by the guard. He was unwillingly escorted out, while people gave Nico and me weird stares.
My temperature seemed to rise. "I need to talk to you," I said. "Now."
Better now than never.
He headed to a set of empty chairs, further away from others. We stayed on our feet; I wanted to face him completely. No bag in sight, he put his hands together. The smell of him flooded my lungs, I blinked. His unsteady breathing from the punch was loud to my ears.
All the adrenaline I built on the way here was gone. My shoulders fell into a slump. My sleeves kept being pulled down to cover my hands.
"You were going to leave," I said.
Nico's attention was held by the trash can behind me, "yeah."
"Without telling me. Without a goodbye. As if I was nothing."
"I wasn't expecting to see you here," he replied.
His hand was on his cheek, on the same spot where James hit him. It was bruising and throbbing. He closed his eyes for a moment and removed his hand. There was a miniature sea of purple forming on his jaw.
My 24 hours ago self would have kissed it as a pretense to make him feel better. My current self wanted to be the one to have inflicted that upon him.
I let out a exasperated groan, "you weren't fucking expecting to see me here because you left! Without telling me, without a goodbye! I deserved to know, Forrest! You shouldn't have let me be and not told me. How could you?"
"What do you want me to say? You didn't actually expect me to stay, did you?!"
I stuffed my fists in my pockets. "I actually did. I gave you reasons and they might've been pathetic to you, but you shouldn't have gotten my hopes up!"
"Just go, Hunter. Please," he bit the inside of his cheek, "don't make this harder than it is." He wore the same clothes as the night before.
"You want me to leave, just like that?" I clicked my fingers together, "Like we never were?"
His eyes darkened and I recognized the flair in his eyes whenever he got upset. "We never were anything. You are not my girlfriend; we have feelings for each other. We only care for each other. So what, Hunter? I'm not letting go of my life for you."
Strike 1.
"But you're needed here, Nico!" I shouted my eyes as dry as a desert, "Your dad, your friends, even James who punched you because he doesn't want you to go! I need you here. Does that mean nothing to you?"
"Hunter, just kiss me goodbye and let me go," he ran a hand through his hair roughly, messing it up completely. Every strand of his hair seemed to fight with the other, all pointing in different directions.
Everything about him was a mess; but I was a mess too. We made each other better, we were our better halves.
"No," I tried to gulp down any saliva left in my dry mouth. "You can't go. You'll hurt too many people by doing that."
"For fuck's sake, Zoey!" he cried out, "the only person you mean is you. You're doing that whole selfishness thing again. James and my dad will survive. You'll be fine without me, you were fine without me. I'll be fine without you. You'll be hurt but you'll get over it soon enough. I'll move on, you'll move on."
"But I lo—"
He shook his head, "stop playing that fucking love card on me. Stop it. Your love isn't enough to make me stay. You're guilt tripping me. Stop."
"Love is the remedy to anything," I argued. James' words printed a sign in my brain, "if you do love me and I love you, you shouldn't go. And I know this isn't a summer love story. This is the real deal."
Nico's cheeks blossomed, "I never told you I loved you," he said, "You keep assuming it and I'm getting tired."
Strike 2.
He was right.
I never heard him actually say it. His actions, though, they displayed it. Actions spoke louder than words ever did; that was all that mattered. His speech two nights before confirmed it. He loved me; or at least I hoped so.
"But you do," I mumbled, more to myself than to him, "you do."
"Go, Hunter," he said. "Just go, already. You know what? I will."
Nico began to walk away quickly from me and the only choice I had was to run after him. The sound of my Converse shoes squeaked against the clean floor.
I put a grasp on his arm, "Forrest!"
"Hunter, let me go," his voice deepened. "Just let me—" he shook my hand off, "you hurt yourself on purpose."
"Say it," I demanded. "Say it, Nico. I know you do. Just say it."
"You want me to confess that I love you?" Incredulous, he chuckled. "Are you fucking kidding me? What, are you a five year old?"
Strike 3.
"Do not talk to me like that. I'm not a kid," I spat, "don't be like that."
"Be like what?" he threw his hands in the air, "be the way that I am?"
"I know you," I protested. "You care about me."
And because my heart was attached to him, I expected nothing but the truth. He was honest with me; always was. He said things without a filter, never afraid to hurt my feelings. And I loved that about us, we weren't scared of each other. We spoke what we felt.
"I do. But I care about me too. And the best thing for me is to go."
He was so mindset about it, it threw me off. There must've been a reason to have him so persistent.
"Is it Beth?" I asked. "You're going back for Beth?"
"No!" he cried out, bewildered at my intention, "no. I'm not going back for Beth. Have you gone mad?"
"Then what is it?" I said. "Why do you want to go?"
He scratched his nose, "I need this," he answered.
"I need you." I said.
Stupid. Pathetic. Kid. Not worth it enough to stay.
Nico hit his palm with his forehead softly, "don't do this. Do not do this."
"But it's the truth, isn't it? Maybe we could make this work. Maybe we could—"
He stared at me with heartless eyes, "you want us to try a long distance relationship, Hunter? You want us to call each other everyday and pretend like everything's fine, but then the calls will stop and we won't care anymore? No thanks, I'd rather not. Fucking hell, we've never even been in a relationship to try a long distance one."
"Then you could stay and we could find out what it'd be like to be in a relationship!" I said, "But you just want to leave, like you're fleeting from something!"
"Hunter," his voice mitigated, "just go, I beg of you."
"What is it? What is it you're so scared of? You coward!"
He said: "Shut up."
"I don't want you to go," my voice lowered to a child's, "please, don't go."
"Kiss me goodbye," he said. "Let me go and let us die. It's not worth it. You're wasting my time."
"You're worth it to me."
His breathing quickened and a look of well-set determination settled in his eyes. He was terrified of what he was about to say, word vomit came out of his mouth and shot me in the heart like a silver bullet.
"You're not," he emitted cruelly; "I don't love you, Hunter. I'll forget about you. This is nothing to me. I'll forget about you as soon as I set foot in London. You'll be a memory, nothing more. I don't love you. I never have. It's been fun."
Out.
The impact of his words hit me like a wrecking ball. What threw me off was the honesty in his eyes, the way he spoke as if this was nothing but the truth.
"Fuck you," I said, feeling my cheeks get wet by tears. I wiped my face with my sleeves, "you're lying."
"I'm not," he said stiffly, eyes flickering away from mine. The light in them was almost gone. "I don't lie."
A building wall in my heart was breaking; I stepped closer to him and kissed him as well as I could. We were tears and a debris of what could have been. He must've been lying, he couldn't have been being frank.
He kissed me back at first, but then pushed me away.
"You can't tell me you felt nothing in that," I said. "You'd be lying if you said nothing."
"I felt nothing," he insisted. "Nothing at all.
My heart clenched and unclenched, questioning his lies or his words of truth. My fists hit his chest once, "you're lying. Don't do this. Don't lie. Don't be an asshole. Don't be a coward."
He removed my hands from him, holding him in his. He looked down at me as if I was a child, as if I was Julia. He let go of my fists and held his hands in his air, as if surrendering.
"Can I go now?" He asked.
My world got hazy and I wished for the world to erase me from this moment. "I hate you."
"You don't," he mocked me; "you said it over and over a hundred times, Hunter. I love you, Nico. "
"I hate you," I repeated, the words engraved in my mind. All I could see were his words. "I hate you so fucking much."
Reality faded into nothing. I began to cry. And all my humanity crumbled; I was weak. He flickered before my eyes, almost opening his mouth to say anything good. He wore regret as a veil for a brief second, and then a hard look inhabited his face.
"I hate you. Go away," I stepped away from him. "Go. Have fun. What was it? Oh. It's been fun. "
"Hunter, I—"
My legs shook. The weight of my body and of the world was too much to handle. I shouted: "Go! Leave! Fuck you. Just go, leave already!"
"I don't ever want to see you again," my voice sounded wounded to my ears, "you've done enough. Just go, already."
Nico gaped at me and said, "Fine," but didn't move.
"You know what?" I spat, "why don't I go? After all, I'm a selfish little bitch who couldn't afford being loved by an asshole like you."
For the last time, I brought myself close to his face. I held his shirt collar in my hands, even if my toes hurt. I wasn't tall enough to be standing against him like this.
"But don't you dare show your face in my hometown again," I whispered. "I don't want to see you again, not even in my nightmares or my wildest dreams."
Pushing him callously, he stumbled away. He laid one last glance on me and as he began to walk away, I was already further away from him. The shadow of him soon became nothing.
My eyes remained straight, aiming to the airport doors. It was my sole goal. My legs fulfilled their purpose and I pushed my way out of the airport. James stood by the walls near by. He pulled me into his arms.
A blur became everything. My senses released their power and control over anything. My heart remembered how to beat blood into my system, but every pulse hurt. The air that entered my lungs seemed to be intruded with poison.
"He left," I sobbed. "He said he never loved me. He left."
The memory of him throbbed in my heart, but my mind began going through the process of releasing him.
- - - - -
uhm, i legitemately cried while writing this.
this is unedited and i hope it's good for a last chapter.
should i go? (shifts feet around)
i should go.
(RUNS FOR MY LIFE)
love,yas.
(also go check out an interview thingy i did with our zico. it's on a story called "over a cup of tea")