So maybe Harry finds it rather hard to pretend that he is okay with just the little love his current relationship with Louis gives him. Maybe it did hurt more than a bit when Louis referred to their relationship as fun, when Harry told the older boy that he liked him. And maybe, just maybe, Harry is inexplicably, completely and overwhelmingly falling for Louis.
Which is all fucking terrifying.
All of this hits him, as he lays in bed Saturday afternoon, Zayn and Niall having left. Finally, Harry can let the tears of stress and frustration over his stupid feelings for Louis loose, and the second he is alone, he can't help himself from crying with ugly, sobbing hitches of breath.
Harry's not just sad, he's mad that he is doing this again. He's projecting his own insecurities onto his relationship and it's going to ruin it. Just like he did with Nick. Him and Louis both agreed it was just sex.
Stop being so insecure Harry, it's not attractive. He repeats the words over and over, but it doesn't stop the tears from rolling, Harry suddenly feeling very small and very overwhelmed, despite his friends having been here no less than an hour ago.
This whole fuckbuddy thing was supposed to be fun. Noncommitted fun, and here Harry is, acting like a complete idiot and falling for Louis who clearly doesn't want the same from him.
And Harry really can't blame the older boy, considering Harry is a fucking insecure mess who can't even keep a casual relationship casual.
Harry is well aware that he is spiraling at a dangerous pace, but right now he has no desire stopping it, he just wants to let himself be depressed, instead of the always-near-the-edge feeling of stress and slight sadness that have been pressing for the last few weeks, as he grew more and more aware of his undeniable feelings for Louis.
Harry knows how fucked he is and how stupid the entire situation is when he wakes up crying Sunday morning because of a stupid, stupid dream.
Harry dreamt that he was in a house with Louis, and suddenly the house was on fire, and Louis ran out without rescuing him - which hurt - and then he kept running back in for increasingly irrelevant things - which hurt even more. Louis even ran in to get a banana because he was feeling snacky, leaving Harry with open arms on a couch, ready to be rescued.
Harry's pretty sure he was wearing a tiara as well but that's probably unrelated to the whole Louis thing.
In conclusion, it's a stupid fucking thing to cry about, yet here Harry is, bawling his eyes out.
Stupid Louis. If he doesn't want all of Harry, he gets none.
However, that is easy to say when Harry's curled up in bed, crying over the boy, but he is very well aware of the effect Louis has on him outside this bubble of hurt.
Harry knows by now that he wants more than sex, but he isn't ready to admit it entirely yet, as it means telling Louis so, and most likely ruin the thing they currently have going.
It's almost noon, and Harry still hasn't gotten out of bed, and he knows either Liam or their parents will come knocking any second to get him up.
Harry hates people seeing him cry, because he always comes off as a confident and happy person, and he hates feeling like a liability with heavy feelings like this, so when someone knocks at his door, Harry dries his eyes with practiced ease, glides out of bed and plasters on a smile, before opening the door to Liam telling him to come eat lunch.
***
It's stupid really, that Harry doesn't stop sleeping with Louis, considering he has a breakdown afterwards almost every time. That is the only good thing about him waking up alone when Louis is over; He gets to have his breakdown in peace, without bothering Louis with his insecurities.
He doesn't tell Niall or Zayn about it either, just puts on a happy smile, not in the mood for well-meant advice that he can't bear to follow.
And it's not like he isn't happy with Louis, he really is. When they're together, everything is utter bliss and sex, and Harry finds his thoughts gliding towards hopes of a real relationship which only leads to yet another breakdown when he wakes up alone or when Louis barely looks at him at school with Liam present.
It's those little flares of happiness that kill Harry the most, because they show him just how happy he could be in a relationship with Louis. It's too bad that they're only fuckbuddies.
So, maybe Harry shuts down a bit, going through a couple weeks like this, and whenever Louis asks Harry if anything is bothering him, Harry usually distracts him with kissing, blowjobs - or when Louis is the most insistent, more sex.
It's a shit coping mechanism, closing off to the world, and Harry very well knows so, but this is better than burdening Louis or his friends with his stupid feelings and low self-esteem. He isn't strong enough to break things of with Louis before he lets himself fall further either, yet Harry knows how much worse it's going to feel if he keeps doing this.
He just can't get himself to stay away from Louis despite the continues breakdowns that inevitably follow. Luckily, he is a good actor, so no one knows anything is wrong. Not Liam, Niall or Zayn or even Louis who Harry is with at least three times a week, whether Louis is visiting Liam, Harry's at Louis' place or they're just in the back of Louis' car.
Or at least, Harry believes he is a good actor. Apparently not good enough.
About two weeks after his first breakdown, Harry is headed to Louis' house after school, feeling almost giddy from getting to spend the afternoon with the other boy, for now ignoring the mental hangover that undoubtedly follows.
He stopped knocking a while ago, instead just pushing the front door open and heading straight for Louis' room.
As he walks through the open door to Louis' room, he immediately spots the older boy at the desk, eyes trained on the screen and a headset hugging his ears, swaddled in one of Harry's oversized sweaters. He obviously hasn't noticed Harry entering, so he takes the chance to sneak up behind Louis.
He stands still for a second, waiting to see if he has been caught, but when Louis doesn't react, Harry slowly leans forward and plants a small kiss on the side of Louis' neck.
Instead of the cute little jump he expected, Louis' arms fly up with shock and he almost falls backwards in the chair, successfully hitting Harry in the face on the way, making them both tumble onto the floor.
Despite the flush of pain blaring from his cheek, Harry can't help but giggle when they roll around on the floor, Louis still not completely comprehending what is happening. At times like this, it's easy imagining Louis as his boyfriend.
They end up tangled on the floor for almost fifteen minutes, exchanging small pecks and giggling once in a while. At last, Harry's back starts hurting, and they move to the bed, Louis immediately straddling Harry, and looking at him with clear intent.
"I need to talk to you, Haz", despite the nervousness in Louis' voice, he seems rather determined, and Harry is scared of what's to come, so he does as he always does; Tries to distract the boy above him from things Harry doesn't want to hear.
He reaches up to grab Louis by the collar, pulling him closer for a much deeper kiss than the ones on the floor. But Louis isn't having it today, and he quickly pushes Harry down, this time pinning his hands to the bed.
"You don't get to distract me today. Don't you think, I know that's what you've been doing?" Harry is about to protest, but there's really nothing to say, so he gives distraction one last shot, strains against Louis' hold in an unsuccessful attempt to reach the fly of his pants.
Louis only presses him down harder, refusing to let Harry look anywhere but right at the older boy.
"I'm not stupid, Haz. Something has you down, and I'm worried about you. You've been acting weird since movie night with the boys".
"I'm fine really, I- ".
"No! Don't give me that 'I'm fine bullshit' when you're obviously not. You're the one that said, I could talk to you. That goes both ways, Haz" His tone goes from harsh and cutting to soft and almost pleading, as he whispers the nickname.
Harry feels so naked and exposed at the words, and it all comes down to the last line of defense, lashing out.
"Yeah, so? What happened to us not having to tell each other things because we're not dating?!". Harry purposefully makes the words as cutting as possible, praying that Louis will let it all go, but Louis looks a bit too hurt by the words, and it tugs at Harry's already heavy heart.
Louis' hands involuntarily loosen a bit around Harry's wrists, but the younger boy doesn't move, completely immobilized by Louis next words.
"You're such a fucking hypocrite, Harry! Telling me to talk to you and then acting like this".
For a second, Harry doesn't know what to say, but he does know that it's a lot easier getting mad than being vulnerable - which is why he rolls away from under Louis with a powerful motion, leaving Harry standing beside the bed while Louis sits on in.
"I'm not a fucking hypocrite. You're the one that keeps saying we're not dating and I'm just trying to accept that. Yet here you are! Fucking complaining about how that isn't good enough either."
"All right. So now I'm the fucking problem. I told you about my bad days when you asked, and you can't do the bare fucking minimum to let me know that you're okay when I worry about you". The harsh tone doesn't quite match the words and Louis eyes are blank, but somehow that makes it worse.
As their voices raise, Harry is slowly panicking on the inside - sadness mixing with anger - this going nowhere according to plan. He doesn't want to fight with Louis.
But apparently, that's too late, as Louis stands up, prodding Harry in the chest with a stiff finger. "Why don't you leave and come back when you're done acting like a fucking child and actually want to talk about things?"
Louis' finger is removed, instead pointing towards his door. And Harry doesn't know what to say, so he whispers in an intense and almost hateful tone, "Fuck you, Louis," not even knowing why he says those words, just leaving in a fit of anger, a waterfall of incomprehensible emotions clouding his mind.
Harry almost runs through the house, desperate to get outside, so fast that he doesn't even notice the scrambling sounds from Louis' room, almost as if the other boy was kicking things harshly.
However, as soon as Harry is outside, anger turns to sadness, and Harry is silently crying as he stumbles home, feeling more down than he has in a while.
A/N Today I signed my contract for a full-time job for when I finish school. Wuhuu!