It was the norm by now.
Alina was going about her day, doing her chores as usual. The only unusual thing about it was the voice she heard from time to time.
Her name, a tiny whisper. A reminder that some people leave a lasting effect and memory on you. No matter if dead or alive.
She hadn't heard it in months, but she wasn't surprised to feel his presence in the dark. She knew he would search for her again.
At times, her healed wound would hurt. The one he gave her while kissing her, while lying on top of her in the forest. She had found it an act of ridiculous revenge at the time. Why stab her without killing her? Why leave her like that? So that she wouldn't be able to follow him and catch up to him?
Alina had thought he was there to get his revenge on her for stabbing him. She had thought he planned on killing her, but he didn't have the look of someone who wanted her dead; he had the look of someone hopeless and sad—broken over and over again.
She knew now he needed her blood to completely free himself of the consciousness of Yuri, the boy he had used to come back to life. He had used her to break free and run.
Her wound was healed, but it would occasionally throb when it was dark, when the stars were not visible, or the moon was new, when the sky was black and the night quiet.
He hadn't cut just her back then. He had cut through his hand using her brooch, the sharp edges of the sunbeams, made of Grisha steel. It was stained with both their blood. His hand was not smeared with only his blood; it had hers as well. The same went for her wound. They were connected like this. Every time it hurt, she knew he was near her; he was in the shadows, somewhere where the light couldn't touch him; he was watching her.
She had learned to live with his presence and to ignore it just like she had in the Little Palace, when they were on opposing sides, when they were trying to kill each other. The times when she used to read in the library, and he would stand behind her, or when he would watch her fall asleep.
Weirdly it calmed her down to know he was there; she knew he would not harm her. It felt like a missing piece of her was there, a piece that filled the void left by her lost powers.
Maybe she missed him in a weird way. Maybe he missed her too, and it was not just their powers that connected them. Maybe it was just them, as humans on opposing sides—opposites attract.
Like calls to like.
She was rearranging the books back in the library when she felt a shift in the air around her, when she felt his presence and his smell—the smell of cold winter air, bare branches, and the night.
She ignored him once again, just as she had done for the past months. He wouldn't visit every night, but she knew he would be coming back eventually. He never spoke to her; he never touched her. Sometimes she feared she had gone crazy, that she was seeing him, that he was not real. It was out of character for him to not talk to her or seek physical touch.
She dropped a book and kneeled down to pick it up. Her back hurt from the hard day she had behind her. Playing with the kids, carrying them around, gardening. She stayed there, one hand on her sore back and forehead pressed against the shelf. She sighed and picked up the book.
The Lives of Saints.
She chuckled to herself. There was a time when the Darkling had asked her why she was smiling, and she had told him she was laughing at herself, that she was hilarious. And she was. She didn't know why she found it so funny now, holding a book in which she made one of the pages in newer editions.
She got back up and put it on the shelf. She wondered which of the kids was reading it, if they found the end of all Saints to be a cruel one, a life ended in martyrdom. A life never fully lived in freedom and peace—a life plagued by pain and suffering. Her own life, for the most part.
"Why are you here," she spoke. It was quiet; there was no answer for a long time. Alina thought she indeed was seeing things she was not supposed to see.
"I was lonely," he told her. "I didn't want to be alone."
Don't let me be alone; he had told her in the Fold before he died.
There was no place for him to go to but her. She was the only one who saw him as he was, the only one who was ready to give him a second chance. The others were ready to kill him and burn him at the stake, take his bones and keep them as souvenirs just to make sure there was no way of him coming back.
There was no safe haven for the likes of them. Even if she were to rise from the dead, even without her powers, Alina knew the people would take a piece of their Sun Saint, a piece of her, at the cost of her own life so that they could feel safe and protected.
He was the only one who knew what that felt like, to be hunted for your bones, to be seen as a prize and not a human being. Alina's life was significantly shorter than his, but she had come closer to eternity than any other Grisha; she had seen the prize he had to pay every time, she had come close to this eternity, and as much as she missed her powers, she was glad she would lead a normal, quiet and peaceful life.
Things looked different for Aleksander; he was cursed with his powers, burdened with them for eternity.
She continued with her task in comfortable silence. The silence of his presence. She could only do this much to ease his turmoil, to make him less lonely. She let him come to her and watch her.
***
One day as she was going about the orphanage, blowing candles out, picking up toys some of the kids didn't put away after playing with them, she felt his presence again. He was in every shadowed corner in every room she went. He was standing behind her, watching her as she did her chores, and he didn't speak.
The silence drove her crazy; she wanted to snap around and scream at him; she didn't even know why.
"What are you doing, Aleksander?" She asked him in an exasperated voice. Alina didn't turn to him; she stood with her back to him, looking out the window which was over the sink. She could see a bit of his reflection in there.
"Living in a single moment," he told her. Alina smiled at that. Since when was he taking her advice? Since when was he listening to her? Better yet, why did he start doing it so late? Why now?
"You have been stalking me for a while now," Alina said and turned around to face him. "Without saying anything, you call this living in the moment?"
"I don't know how to do it," he confessed. "This is why I have been watching you."
"Learning by example?" Aleksander nodded his head, and Alina chuckled.
"You are doing it wrong," she told him as she turned around to finish the rest of the dirty dishes in the sink. The cook had gotten sick, and Alina promised to help him out. It was now that she could wash the dishes in the quiet of the night; as the kids were getting ready for bed, some were already sleeping.
"You are supposed to live in your own moment, not mine," Alina told him as she started drying the plates with a cloth. "Or create one, something to remember, something you can hold onto."
She felt him close behind her, his body touching hers. She didn't move, but her hands stopped what they were doing. He moved her hair to the side and exposed her neck. He bent down and planted a few gentle kisses there. One hand wrapped around her abdomen, the other was placed on her shoulder as he trailed slow kisses along her neck, going up to her ear.
"Aleksander," Alina sighed. She hadn't meant for it to sound like a moan, but it did. The way she had spoken out his name told him more than enough that she enjoyed it. She liked the way he kissed her. His grip around her tightened, but Alina shuffled to break free.
He let her turn around, but he let his hands rest on each side of her, encaging her.
"Why are you doing this?" She asked him as she scanned his face. There was no mockery there, just pure curiosity.
"Creating something to remember," he told her as he stared at her lips. "Something I can hold onto."
"I can't be what you want me to be," she told him. "I am not the girl I used to be. I have changed."
"I see," he whispered.
"No, you don't," she pushed him away from her and put distance between them. "You are still searching for her, for a Grisha. She is gone. There are other Sun Summoners out there; go and try your luck with them."
Aleksander laughed. They both knew the new Sun Summoners were devoted to Alina's legacy. They would never fall prey to the Darkling's games; they would never fall for his charms. They wouldn't be seduced like she had been, back when she was a naive and scared girl.
"I told you once I saw what you truly are," he began and looked at her in the eyes with a serious determination. "I told you I would never turn away from you."
"I am no longer a Grisha, Aleksander," she told him gently. "I can no longer be a part of your grand plan of devouring the world in darkness."
"You don't get it!" His voice rose with impatient anger. "You haven't changed; you are still the same, you are still determined, you are still brave and strong, and you're still fighting for what you believe in."
Alina was surprised by his outburst, her mouth was opened, but no words came out. She didn't know how to respond to that.
"You haven't let this loss devour you; you haven't let the pain that you endured change you. You are still grounded; you are still lighting up people's hearts. They all smile when they see you; they all smile while looking at you like you are this brilliant sun, this untouchable, holy thing that has come to save them all. You still have this effect on them; it was never your Grisha powers, Alina. It has always been you. You still have-"
You still have this effect on me; he wanted to say. But he knew Alina could see what he wanted to tell her.
"You are right," he told her in a quiet, calmer tone. "We were never equals. You were always much better than me. Where this loss and pain would have left me broken, you managed to make it your strength. You managed to tame it and not bow to it."
He stepped closer to her and cupped her face.
"Teach me," he whispered. A plea of a boy, a plea for help. "Teach me, Alina." His forehead touched hers, and he closed his eyes. "Tell me how I conquer my darkness, tell me how not to fall a slave to it."
"By accepting it," she told him, and he opened his eyes. He seemed insulted, and before he could draw back, Alina cupped his face in return with her hands. "Stop denying it, stop fighting it. Accept it as it is. Accept yourself as you are. You can't move forward if you refuse to see things as they are."
He looked at her for a long time before stepping away from her.
"You have to accept things as they are," she told him again. "There is no chance for us, not in this lifetime."
"I don't want to believe it," he told her.
"It doesn't come down to you believing it or not," she said. "It comes down to the point that you have to see it and accept it as a fact."
"You were meant to be my balance, Alina. You were supposed to keep my power in check."
"Same old, same old," Alina shook her head. "We saw what happened when you pushed me to my limits. We saw that we could never be in the same space without trying to destroy or control each other. I was never meant to balance you out; this is your own task, this is something you have to manage on your own, Aleksander."
Alina turned around to continue with her work.
"Start looking for the answers within you, not within other people."
***
The next time she saw him lurking in the shadows, a month had passed. A part of her worried she would never see him again, a part of her was glad to see him again, and another part told her she was crazy for the way she was feeling towards him. She had too much sympathy and understanding for someone who had killed her closest people.
They would fall back in the familiar stillness of their company; he would watch her work, she would let him.
Some days they would speak about trivial things, like the weather, or the flowers that were finally blooming in the garden, even the stars.
She had told him a story about the constellations she saw in the sky, one that Ana Kuya had once told her. Aleksander had laughed a true, sincere laugh. He had enjoyed the story even though he had told her it was all wrong; she had laughed as well as they fell into the discussion which version of the story was right.
She had looked at him as he was doubled over and was laughing over her protest, that she was indeed correct and it was true, or at least the thought behind it was sweet. As she watched him, she saw the boy she used to get glimpses of, the one who longed for the love of a country.
She remembered something Ana Kuya had told her when Alina talked about love, when she dreamt about it. She had told her she would find her soulmate and live happily ever after with them.
"Child," she had begun. "Soulmates are destined to meet, but not destined to be together."
''What does this mean?" She had asked, confused. Wasn't meeting them the same as being together? Wasn't this the whole point?
"It means that some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life."
"I don't understand."
"You will when you meet them."
Alina's smile had dissipated from her face; she heard the echo of Ana Kuya's voice. Some people are meant to stay in your heart, but not in your life.
So this is the moment she came to understand. She had forgotten about it. She had thought she had her soulmate and that her life was accomplished and happy. And it was, but she now could put a name on whatever she and Aleksander had. Whatever had pulled her to him, whatever connection they shared, whatever mutual attraction they had to the other.
She knew now.
"Soulmates," she spoke silently into the night as if to taste the word. As if saying it aloud, it would make it feel real, make it make sense. It did.
"What did you say?" Aleksander asked beside her. He had managed to control his laugh; there was still a faint smile on his face. The cold breeze ruffled his hair, and he looked more human than ever, more real, more like a boy now than ever. Alina smiled back at him.
"Nothing," she replied as she looked up at the sky. "Just wondering about things."
"Things?"
"Life," she shrugged. "How it will turn out, if I will be able to lead a good one."
"You will," he told her.
"How do you know?"
"I just do," he said, and Alina rolled her eyes. They both laughed.
"I know because it is you," he told her. "Alina Starkov knows how to light up her own path. You have done it for an entire county; surely you can do it for yourself."
"Have you been reading the poetry in the library?" Alina asked, shocked by his profound answer, one that came with an acceptance. The acceptance that Alina would one day die and live on as a memory. A fact he came to understand and accept. He did not try to fight it. She smiled at him.
Aleksander threw grass at her. "Don't look at me like that." He threatened playfully. Alina laughed. "And yes, I have been," he told her finally. Alina laughed louder.
***
It felt weird, what they had and what they shared. Were they friends? Were they lovers? It was hard to tell. Soulmates was indeed the word she had been looking for, the word that described them best, the word that made the most sense to what they had, to what they shared.
He would kiss her occasionally, but gently and softly—small, feather-like kisses on her cheeks and her knuckles. He would play with her hair when she was reading in the library late at night or when they were out like this, in the meadow, lying down looking up at the sky, telling each other the stories they grew up with.
Some nights they would not talk at all; they would just share the silence and darkness. Other nights they would read from the same book, and Aleksandr would tell her what part of it was true, what did happen, and what didn't. At times they would bicker and banter like little kids. Alina would tell him that he should come to the orphanage to learn proper manners, and he would tell her that he was already learning them from her.
She knew he was learning from her, just like she was learning more about Ravka and the Grisha world from him. They had things to teach each other, learn and improve on, and have fun doing so together.
It was as if they have finally found common ground, a name to what they had, a reason to stay in this relationship. They loved the company of the other, the sanctuary it provided for their troubled minds and souls. It was the missing piece they have been craving.
They had a place where Alina could call him by his name, a place where he could love and admire her openly, away from prying and judging and misunderstanding eyes. A private place just for the two of them, in the darkness, in the quiet hours of the night, where they could be themselves.
Who said it had to be painful to have your soulmate in your heart, but not your life?
The heart was where homes and memories were made. The heart was where you kept the most precious and important things. The heart was the home of all types of love. The safest haven of them all.
What better home for your soulmate than your heart?
*********************************
Thank you all for reading this fanfic! This is the last chapter, I hope you enjoyed it and that the end was a satisfying one.
Maybe I will see you in another one!
Bye for now and thanks again for all the love and interest you have shown this story.