Chapter : 4 - Chosen
"Do you feel any pain?" My dad asked me slightly massaging the other side of my head as I stared at the cream tiled floor of the hospital.
Pain. After years of existence in the world, I still couldn't exactly define what pain was. Was it something I felt at the contact of the brass frame on my temple, or something I felt at the left side of my chest, when you left me with aunt years ago? What is it papa?
What is this pain, exactly? Feeling something? or just, not able to feel anything? What is it? Because now, I can't think of anything to answer. If feeling nothing is pain, I'd say I'm in pain.
"No." I said.
"I know. I know love, you are the strongest." He pecked the side of my head and I kept staring down.
I know I am strong papa. I've heard you say a million times maybe? Since I was a kid. Do you actually believe I am strong or is it the only way you found to keep me away?
What is it papa?
The only thing about being strong is, no one would hold your hand. Right? Isn't it why you never held me? When I was scared? Because I was strong?
"Are you okay, Kashish?" My mom asked with a smile. And I looked at her for a moment and mirrored hers.
"Yes." I spoke up.
Yes mom, why would I not be? You always said it to that I'll be okay. And I'm always okay. Right?
"We love you, Kashish." They said as they inched closer and hugged me. I stilled at the moment but patted them.
I know that you do. You've been telling me for years, aren't you? I love you too mom and dad. I've always have. You guys know that don't you?
"How was college?" Dad asked me a few minutes later after pulling away.
"Good." I answered getting up from my seat and walking to kitchen.
"If you need anything, why don't you ask me or mom, we can do it. You need some rest." My dad said following me to the kitchen.
"I can do it myself. I've been doing myself." I answered filling up the kettle for some tea.
"I get it, love. We've been busy with work, your mom and I. And we-" he said standing beside me and I looked at him turning on the burner.
"I understand." I stated with a nod and he smiled.
"Do you want some?" I asked referring to the tea.
"Of course, love. I'd love to." He said sitting on the stool across the counter.
I finished making tea in a few minutes and poured down into two cups placed in the saucers and handed him one and cleaned up the counter.
"It's good. Thank you Kashish." My dad said and I just smiled in return.
"So, I've been thinking if we should go on a dinner tomorrow night. You, mom and I?" He spoke breaking the silence.
"I have to be somewhere tomorrow. I'm sorry." I said to him as a surprised expression took over his face.
"You are going out?" He asked pausing and putting his cup down on the counter and I eyes immediately fell on it and he lifted it off placing back on the saucer.
"Yes." I answered.
"Where, if I may ask." He said.
"A party. At a friend's." I said raking my eyes back to him.
"It's good, you are making friends and going out. I'm happy. We can go on a dinner later when you are-" he said smiling.
"Please, you guys must go. I don't mean to keep your plans." I answered and he nodded.
"I wish you could join, it'd have been a great family time." He said.
"It still is." I spoke looking at my tea. I quickly looked up as his phone just rung and he answered with a slight frown.
"Love, I am sorry. I have an emergency at the hospital and I need to-" he said and I nodded.
"You should go." I said and he nodded getting up from the stool and leaving his cup unfinished.
I finished mine too and cleaned up the cups and went to check for my violin where I left it. It wasn't where I left and and I looked around knitting my brows.
"It's here." Amara's voice came low as she spoke from behind and I turned to her and she stood holding out the case with both of her tiny hands.
"Thank you." I said taking it from her. And she looked at the surroundings not looking at me and my eyes followed the spot where she looked. My breath was shallow as I looked at the red stains on the carpet and floor.
A part of me spinned while a part of me took a step towards it holding my breath. And I moved towards the kitchen taking a mop and detergent. As I returned Amara still kept her eyes on me while I sat on my knees and scrubbed the stains. My hands shivered as I did and my chest heaved.
"I'll help you." Amara said coming and sitting down on her knees and I flinched away.
"No." I said in a firm voice and she looked at me for a moment and stood up.
I scrubbed repeatedly as sweat trickled down my forehead and she kept her eyes plastered on me.
"I think you should let it be. Those marks won't leave if you try too." Isha said coming in from the foyer and I paused for a moment.
"Kashish, I know you want everything in place and spotless but the carpet just needs to be replaced, it's stained and ruined." She said standing beside me and I just looked at her.
If it's stained, it's ruined.
"Let's just throw it out, I don't think you can be at peace see it like that anyway." She said rolling it and I stood up taking away the mop and liquid to put back in the place and when I returned, the carpet was gone.
"I've put it in the bin. It's okay, right?" She said and I gave a nod.
"Well, I've come to pick Amara. I'll see again. It feels good being back in Greenwich." She said and she left taking Amara in her arms. I just stood there in silence and then walked upstairs to my room with my bagpack and violin and locked the door.
I wasn't supposed to bathe. But I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand being in contact with everyone and discarding my cream sweater dress in the laundry bin, I stepped into the bath and sunk myself in the tub.
The water wasn't warm. It was burning through my skin.
I threw my head back to the ceramic surface of the tube and inhaled. And I sunk myself in. Absolute silence.
If someone asks me what is peace? And when do you find it? is it life where you find it or death. I would say nor life, nor death.
It is in between. The last moment of the life and the just the moment before death.
I wonder if this is what it feels like. To sink and let go of your breath in the silence. Every moment the outside world slips away far from you and you sink deeper into the bliss.
Death is always tempting to me. It has me in its arms but never takes me with it.
It is hard when your life holds you tight, being torn in between life and death. You are withered, but not dead yet.
"Papa, don't leave me here please. Please papa."
"I'm sorry, love. But she needs us. Mom and I, we'll take you back soon."
"Papa I can't live her! Please papa take me back! I won't trouble you or mom. Please just take me with you!"
"You are my strong girl. Aren't you?"
"You'll be okay. Right now, she needs us."
"Mom, listen to me. Please."
"Mum! Just listen to me!" And I knew, that was the call from the reality.
"I can't stay here anymore!" A muffled scream pulled me back into the life. I sat up straight catching my breath. I stepped out from the tub wrapping myself into a towel and I stood by the window.
"Don't leave mum." I heard Kian's loud voice as he ran to the car as his mother stood in tears.
"I've always loved your dad. But I can't anymore son." She said and he stood in his place jilted.
"Then let me leave too, I have nothing to do with that man!" He yelled.
"You need to be with him Kian. I can't pay for your college. He loves you." She said and sat in her car and went away as Kian stood there kicking in frustration.
If I could, I'd hold you right now Kian. I might not whisper it's going to be okay. Because it is not. Sometimes people leave you Kian. That doesn't mean they don't love you. But they leave you in this big world by yourself telling you, it's the only way. But is it really the only way, Kian? Or they just tell you it is?
It is a choice, a choice they made. I understand Kian, it is painful not being chosen. They expect you to understand. They expect you to believe in them, and it's not their fault. It's just the way things are. But is it really Kian?
And someday, Kian they might decide to come back to you eventually. They'll try to mend things, they just want you to forget and go back to the way it is. Like they never left. Like it never happened. But everything still doesn't fall into place, Kian. Because, it was never your place. It's hard to understand, initially. But you'll live eventually Kian. And I'll be right behind you, watching you. And I'd never leave you like they did.
I really love you, Kian.