Chapter 11
I hated him. I hated all of them.
As we were riding home I just thought how I hated them. We'd acted innocent as we'd excused ourselves from the party; ironically, and much to my chagrin, they'd used my alcohol poisoning as the reason, saying they all wanted me home or maybe to the hospital. And they'd been so polite and charming as they'd bid goodbyes and that butler (I hated him too) was falling for it, smiling good night only to smugly look at me. I don't know what I had done, but fuck you, too, butler.
Here we were in the car. Harry was sat next to me, but I refused to look at him. I stayed looking out the widow, even though I'm sad to say his touches and weird belly rubs comforted not only my sickness but my emotions. Not enough, though. I was just trying not to throw up or burst into any more tears until I was alone. I despised everyone. They all made bile rise within me. They didn't say it, but I knew. I knew that they knew. I was the only one who wasn't aware of the deaths to happen tonight previous to their occurrence. And I hated it. If I'd known I wouldn't have joined. If I'd known I wouldn't have allowed myself to become close to Alex within the few hours we'd interacted. If I'd known I wouldn't have befriended both the predators and their prey. Because I liked everyone in the car also. But not as much, especially within this moment.
I hated them.
I also felt betrayed, honestly. Not only did they lie, but they'd taken advantage of me. I was bored so "hey, want a fun mission?" And they hadn't thought to tell me not to become attached to him yet no one seemed shocked to find that I was upset about him being murdered.
I felt naïve. Too gullible. I also felt in a sense violated.
When the car came to a stop I got out of the car as quick as I could, running to a bunch of bushes to throw up more. I couldn't see myself drinking again in the future.
The grass was cold against my knees as I crouched down and took a moment to stick my hair into my dress and I held my face in my hands. I was going to start crying again, probably.
I shook my head, especially when I heard footsteps. "Go away," I shooed in a strong yet shaky voice that was hoarse. My mouth tasted awful, too.
"Let's get you inside, Laney, its cold out here," Harry insisted.
"No," I tested. "Leave me out here to die," I mumbled. I heard his sigh and then more footsteps. The moonlight was blocked from me and I felt a jacket placed on me. I pushed if off. "No. Leave me."
"I'm not leaving you out here to die, Lanaura, you're being ridiculous." I tried to stand from the ground and he tried to help me up. I pushed him back and once I was on my feet I glared at him.
"Why not? I just thought maybe you'd want to allow another death tonight since you did so well, earlier," I fought.
He clenched his jaw. "It's complicated-"
"Why didn't you tell me that?" I demanded. "Why did you allow me to go to that party and talk to that boy all the while knowing he was going to die?" I was beginning to cry again. "Why would you do that?"
"It wasn't in the plan to kill him originally, Laney, like I said it's complicated."
I shook my head in disagreement. "No. If you would've explained I would've listened," I continued.
"Just let me help you ins-"
"I don't want your help!" I fired, stepping away from him when he tried to approach me. "I don't want anything to do with you, Harry!" I shouted. "You're a murderer! And you don't even seem to care! Don't talk to me." I tried to walk away, smart enough to go back to the house. If I were to try running off he'd easily catch me and then I'd be in big trouble and I'd be in his arms. I didn't want either of those things, but I knew I actually did want one of them. Walking in the shoes was also a definite struggle so I practically screamed as I got down and took them off. I threw them out into god knows where and then I tried to storm off.
"I'm sorry," I heard him tell me. "You don't even know how sorry I am right now," he pleaded, grabbing me by my wrist. I yanked my arm away and turned around viciously.
"And you don't even know how angry I am!" I snapped. "Sorry? Sorry? That's all you can think to say right now? Or 'it's complicated?'" I rubbed my eyes. "You lied to me. I'm through with all of these lies and secrets and sheltering as though it should matter! Was that the job I wasn't allowed to know about? Or was it something else? What does the chip do? Was it actually worth killing two people?" I interrogated, firing the questions at him. "What makes it okay to judge that? You can't even answer, can you because it either means admitting what you did was wrong and facing it or it means actually telling me the truth." There was a pause, but then I laughed dryly. "And I blame myself actually for-for actually trusting the man who kidnapped me." I think I might've seen a bit of hurt in his eyes, but I didn't care. He'd hurt me plenty of times, so why should I?
"I don't know what you want me to say," he said in defeat. His eyes looked bright and sympathetic and as always he looked attractive. I hated what he did, but what I hated most was how I felt nearly willing to forgive him all so he could hold me and tell me it was okay. This entire time he had been my only sense of comfort here, but also sense of terror and I didn't need that.
"I mean I really am sorry," he continued.
"Which part?" My lips trembled as tears gathered in my eyes and I bit down on it before I continued. "The part where you kidnapped me? The part where I can no longer see my family anymore and I don't have any way to get an education or pursue whatever dreams I could've had? Or are you sorry about how you just killed the one guy to ever make me feel special and important and-and not like a freak right in front of me? Or are you sorry I was conned into assisting you with it?" I listed. He was silent. "There's many options for your remorse, go on right ahead and pick one."
"You didn't have anything to do with that-"
"I had everything to do with it!" I screamed unintentionally. My head was pounding and I was still sweating. I began to heave, but nothing came out. I guess I've already discharged all of my insides.
Harry's warm comforting arms once again had found me as he cooed, "Let's just get you to bed."
"How many people have you killed?" I asked him once I'd stopped. "Just-Just give me an estimate."
I got away from him once more, staring at him expectantly. He was just the same, not saying a word. "I don't think I should say."
My body got chills and it wasn't the wind outside. I bit my lip and gulped as I processed that and all its possible meanings. I shook my head. "Wrong answer." We were both helplessly quiet for a moment but then I spoke again. "I am going to bed," I began. I looked directly at him. "But not with you. I don't even want you to walk me to my bed. I just want us to part ways from here and..." I closed my eyes, a few tears spilling. "I just really need to be alone at the moment and I also need you to respect that and me." I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I was angry at him, but some part of me was tethered to him. I was addicted to his warmth and his touch. I would miss his arms holding me all because a different part of him held a part of me that couldn't escape. "So please don't talk to me," I whispered. "And don't touch me. And..." I breathed in deeply, finishing my request. "Just let me go." I turned away from him afterwards, not daring to look at him. I didn't want to know his reaction. I just wanted to do what was best for me. I had to. So I walked away and left him there.
-
It's amazing how habits work.
My relationship with Harry, or rather Harry in himself, to me wasn't exactly like a drug. Let's at least pretend so for the sake of you not having to hear the cliche comparison repeated. No, he was a habit.
He became a regular reoccurring part of me and my life in the past two weeks and a half that I'd been here and so cutting him out has been tough. I see him of course around the house. He lives here, so it's hard to avoid him. And even worse is how even though I'm shutting him out he still tries to take care of me. I at first hadn't been eating much and when I had collapsed because of it, Harry took it seriously. He makes me every meal of the day and he sort of makes me eat it. He drags me to the kitchen and doesn't let me leave until I've eaten at least most of it. Even worse he creepily leans against the sink on the other side of the kitchen with his arms crossed over his chest and just watches me. Unless he tries to talk to me. That happens one meal a day honestly.
I never respond and when he tells me his bad jokes it's everything I have to not either throw my food at him, laugh, or choke on my food trying not to laugh.
We otherwise try to stay out of each other's way. And by "we" I meant I try and he clearly doesn't. Even though he has a bathroom in his room he uses the one that honestly no one other than me and guests use. He especially enjoys taking showers in there and making me wait for him to come out and when he does, he always enjoys seeing me look everywhere but at him in his glistening half naked glory.
But what's made me the most uncomfortable is the sounds I sometimes hear coming from his room. I was young and maybe at times naïve, but I knew the sounds of sex when I heard them. In fact sometimes when it really irritated me I'd imitate the sounds they made and then afterwards I would thank The Lord for no one seeming to hear it.
This kind of shit has been going on for about five nights. So I've slept alone for five nights. And I missed him. But I'd been right to cast him away. I needed the independence and solitude. Part of me actually was convinced that maybe he was also lonely. It'd explain why he constantly had Sasha the slut over.
Okay, maybe that was rude.
But most nights I have to listen to music on my iPod which was a gift given to me by Liam. I'm not gonna lie I was actually not exactly excited or accepting when I had first been given it.
When he approached me about it I'd actually been in that same spot that I was in when Louis and Zayn goaded me into that mission. That in itself wasn't a great start. Then he had moved on to call it a reward for my excellent job.
To say the least I practically chewed him out for it.
But then a day later he came back to me and apologized for being so inconsiderate with his choice of words and everything. He then peacefully offered me the iPod again and I took it.
It had zero music on it upon its arrival and I was not connected to the internet. They were smart. And then my only way of getting music was buying it on a computer and then syncing it to the iPod with some chaperoning.
You'll never guess who volunteered selflessly to be the chaperone.
Yep. Harry Styles is who.
It was just the same as when I ate. He just stared at me and even gave me recommendations. What annoyed me was when he would say, "I don't think you're old enough for that."
I bought a lot of what he said I wasn't old enough for, honestly. It's weird to admit, but I found that I liked Nicki Minaj. Thank you, Harry. Were it not for you badgering me to stick to age appropriate pop I wouldn't have discovered this.
As I once again could barely hear the sounds of Sasha and Harry mating, I put my headphones in my ears to drown them out.
-
She hates me, Harry thought. He was in fact sure of it.
Well, maybe hate was a strong word. She didn't hate him. And in some way that bothered him. No, not because he actually wants her to hate him but whenever she looks at him she doesn't look angry or spiteful. No. She looks indifferent. Either that or sad. He preferred angry Laney over sad Laney any day.
She also hardly spoke to him. He spoke to her a lot and it's usually a load of shit just spilling from his mouth in hope of getting some sort of reaction from her. It's usually just a bored gaze or an irritated, heavy sigh. Whenever he'd ask her questions she would answer very simply. If it's yes or no she nods or shakes her head. If she doesn't want to answer she just shrugs. But a few times he'll ask her how she is or if she likes the food he makes for her and she usually says only "it's fine" or "it's good." It is rarely a different response.
And he missed her. He missed her so bad. He missed talking with her and making her laugh. He missed watching some of the things she watched. A few times he's thought about asking her if she wanted to watch something with him, like maybe Skins, because she used to always beg for him to allow her to watch it; but even if she said yes he still wouldn't be comfortable with her watching it.
And of course he missed having her in his bed. Laney had been like a teddy bear for him honestly. Soft, warm and something for him to hold. But now with her gone he felt so disconnected. The bed was cold and empty. It was also too quiet without her barely audible snores and mumbling.
So he had Sasha.
Sasha wasn't Laney; that wasn't hard to say. Still he had a connection with her even if it wasn't like what it was six years ago. But the two had another way of connecting now.
The two lay in bed next to each other, naked and breathless. Harry stared up at the ceiling just thinking while Sasha had leaned over to grab a cigarette. When the clicking sound of the lighter got to Harry he sighed and reached over taking it from her.
"How many times do I have to tell you you can't smoke in here and how many times do I need to remind you how bad they are for you?" he chastised.
Sasha glanced at him in exasperation. She shook her head and moved, getting out of the bed. "Screw you, Harry."
Harry's eyebrows rose and he sat up. She was putting her clothes on and he said, "Just because I won't let you smoke in here?"
"No for acting like you give one shit about my health," she spat.
Harry sighed and dragged his hand down his face. "So you're leaving?"
She looked at him incredulously. "Yeah. I've learned from the other times. I can find more comfort in my own room then in here."
Sasha picked up her jacket and Harry knew that he was very distant towards her recently so he said, "Sasha, wait." She stopped and slowly turned around. He smiled. "Why don't you come cuddle your Boba?"
She straightened out a bit and Harry continued to charmingly smile at her so she eventually laughed and took her jacket off again. "Fine, but I'm not staying long," she warned as she got in next to him.
Harry wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck. "Unless I keep you here. Never letting you go."
She enjoyed Harry's sudden coddling over her, but she was no idiot—she knew the true reasoning behind his sudden kindness and affection towards her or even his slight attention. "You miss her." Harry didn't respond at first, just lay there. She turned around to face him and she looked him in the eye. "Harry, you need to talk to her."
He shook his head. "You don't think I've already tried? She won't say anything back," he told her.
"No, I mean you need to tell her something worth hearing. Your jokes are cute but they aren't relationship bandages," she chuckled.
He had to laugh with her. "What do I say then?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Something meaningful; make her silence worthwhile."
Harry was confused as to why she was helping him. "Why do you care?" he asked softly.
Sasha felt a sadness, but didn't let it show. "You were happy with her. It's been a while since you've seemed like that," she explained. "And I once heard that you should hold onto the things that make you happy in life."
Harry smiled as she laid back down against him. "Wasn't it mewho said that?" He looked down at her as she closed her eyes and shrugged.
"It was some curly haired guy named Henry or something."
-
"Talk to her," he said to himself. "That's gonna be tough." It was the morning of the next day and Harry had Michael and some of his closer friends over to begin decorating for the party they were throwing. Harry knocked on Laney's door, opening it to check that she was actually awake. Harry saw a raised book and at the sound of the door opening it fell to expose Laney's face. Harry ticked his head behind him and they both knew what was to happen. It was a part of their daily limited speech cycle.
She set her book down and to the side, getting off the bed. Harry held the door open for her and they briefly held eyes as she passed by him. She looked down upon passing and Harry bit his lip, closing the door behind them. The silence was just as smothering to him as it was every other day the past near week. He found himself addressing how adorable she looked in her cream colored sweater and simple pair of leggings. It was especially cute when she had to push back her sweater paws before eating.
Harry crossed his arms over his chest and watched her carefully. She was looking down at the plate and then she looked up at Harry and asked, "Do you have any, like, cheese?"
It was one of the few things he'd heard spoken to him in a while from her. Even greater progress was how she held her head up high and looked directly at him. Harry was a bit confused about the question but he nodded. "Yeah, we have cheese."
She didn't say anything back at first and Harry didn't know what to say so finally after a moment of blinking at him, she just got off the chair and went to the refrigerator herself. Harry decided he should start speaking to her and try to have an actual conversation with her.
"So, you do know that later is the party, right?" was his conversation starter. Because that's totally what she'd enjoy discussing.
She looked up at him from where she was looking through drawers from the cheese. "Yeah." She pouted. "Where is it exactly?" She stood up for a moment, once again being face to face with him and Harry was once again delighted by this sort of progress.
"Middle drawer on the left," he directed.
She went back to searching. "This thing must lead to Narnia," he heard her murmur to herself and Harry smirked as he recognized her dry humor. She found it and then went back to her seat. Harry leaned on the counter across from her and continued.
"Do you think you'll be attending?" he asked her, curiously.
Laney laughed almost bitterly. "Sorry, but not likely. I'm not interested," she rejected. Harry frowned and noticed that she was making a sort of sandwich out of the breakfast he'd made her. "Besides, I'm not sure I'd even know what to wear," she added quietly before beginning to eat.
Harry thought back to when they'd gone shopping and shrugged. "I think you could wear that sweater dress I got you," he suggested.
She looked up at him and then crinkled her nose. "I think not," she mumbled around her food.
Harry's eyes narrowed. "You should at least try it on," he argued.
Laney exhaled deeply and glared at him. "Why don't you just wear it yourself, then?" She raised an eyebrow for him challengingly and Harry straightened out.
"Because I bought it for you," he justified. She opened her mouth to protest more, but he went on. "So I suggest you don't argue with me; I'll win. Just try it on once you finish eating and it shouldn't be that bad."
Laney was glowering at him, thinking, I don't want to try on the fucking dress.
Harry smirked smugly. "In fact I think I'll ask some of the girls to help you out with it." Laney only could show her distaste to the suggestion with her venomous gaze that hardly phased him. If anything he thought she was cute.
"I'm so fucking grateful," she said so softly that he didn't hear her foul language. She only rolled her eyes and finished her breakfast, feeling not so into the party mood.
-
This chapter was at first hella fucking long, but lol I decided I'd expand next chapter with a certain scene that I took out. (Rereaders might guess what it is)
Okaayy so some questiooonns.
1. Quickie: how you feelin? Towards the chapter I mean. That beginning was emotional though, wasn't it?
2. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning? I've hardly ever had alcohol alone, so I myself haven't.
3. Awww Sasha and Harry are like... are we ready to title them brotp or is it too soon? I actually enjoy writing their friendship and shit lol even though she's sort of easy to hate.
4. Where do you think the pair will be going from here? *doesn't answer question* *instead sings WDBHG* WHERE DO BROKEN HEARTS GO?
Sorry this update was so late also, but next chapter should hopefully be easy asdfghjkl. It's also got guest appearances wink, wink. Comment, vote, fan, and promote bc ily. Let's try to reach 2.5K reads maybe and 130 votes? All my chapters get like 100+ reads so please my ghosties vote? Anyways, Mama Bear should shut up now lol. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LONG AGO I STARTED THIS STORY. THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO ARE READING THIS SECOND VERSION OVER ILY. Bye.
- Angie Bear
BONUS QUESTION: What girl scout cookies do you guys like? Thin mints. I've had some of the others, but they're so unimportant that I forget what they're called. My hairdresser though buys loads of them so I get to try them and even though she said she ordered me some I bought my own box today oops. Advice: PUT THEM IN THE FREEZER OK AKLJJG T.