Ryder
Nathan’s hair is soft (so soft).
I bury my head more into it. Then, my eyes fly open. Nathan’s hair? I look down in alarm. The morning light bounces off it, his hair glinting golden. My arm is around his waist and we’re so close. Nathan’s curled into me, still sleeping. My heart races and I remove my arm in panic. Then, I notice my blanket on the floor and my panic rises.
We weren’t doing anything, right?
I try to think back to last night. I remember awkwardly clearing my throat and saying goodnight to him. That's all. I rack my brain for more. We weren’t doing the deed . . . right? Then I remember that it’s probably impossible to do it while sleeping and besides, our clothes are still on so I calm down.
I look at him, all snuggled up beside me. He looks so adorable in my hoodie, I'm going to let him keep it (even if it's my favourite one). I gaze at him, captured by the outward beauty of this freckled boy. Without thinking, I reach for his face. My fingertips lightly rest on his cheek.
That’s it. I don’t cup his cheek. That’s creepy. Well, lightly touching his cheek is also creepy. I should just look at him - wait, no. Fuck, everything is creepy.
Then, Nathan stirs, looking up at me sleepily. “Ry . . . ?”
I jump out of my skin again, my hand shooting back to my side, but I collect myself. “Hey, Nate,” I say, “sleep well?”
He nods. “You?”
“Yeah, I slept so well I didn’t know what happened!” I let out a nervous laugh.
Shut up, you creepy fuck.
“Uh, you just threw your blanket away and, um, hugged me instead,” he explains in a small voice, his adorable cheeks tinting pink.
I give a relieved sigh. “Oh, okay.” So we actually didn’t do it. Oh god, I was so freaked out. I don’t want to actually do it with him without his consent.
Consent is sexy, bro.
And absolutely necessary, I know, Nick. I inwardly roll my eyes at him materialising in my thoughts and I picture him shrugging in response.
Whatever.
“Ryder? Are you okay?” Nathan’s voice brings me back to the present.
“Yeah, I just, uh . . . remembered I have work,” I blurt, reminding myself at the same time.
Ugh, it’s Sunday. Work. What a bore. I really hope I don’t come across bitch-ass customers again (but what do you know, this is life).
I clear my head from my thoughts. “Oh, yeah. Do you need me to take you to your house?” I ask, propping myself on one elbow and letting my dog tag swing freely from my neck. Even though his house and my workplace are probably in opposite directions from home, I don’t mind strolling into work late for that.
Then I notice his eyes travelling to my chest and his cheeks redden again. Oh right, I'm still shirtless.
Nathan shakes his head, flicking his eyes back to my face. “Thanks, but, um, my dad’s picking me up,” he says, wrinkling his nose slightly. He looks like an adorable teddy bear when he does that.
“Your dad, huh?” I say, remembering yesterday’s phone call. “Is he Trevor?”
He nods and I look at him, thoughtful. I notice how he tenses a little at the mention of his dad and how his blue-and-green eyes flash brown for a while.
I sit up and pull him up with me. So now we're sitting cross-legged on my bed facing each other. I take both of his hands in my slightly cold ones, rubbing my thumbs lightly on his knuckles.
"Oh, right. I forgot something . . ." I say as I reach for his glasses on my bedside table and give them to him. Nathan stops half-squinting at me and clumsily puts on his glasses with one hand, the other still in mine.
Then he puts his hand back in mine and I continue rubbing his knuckles comfortingly. He doesn't look at me for a while. And I wait.
His head finally goes up. "I'm scared, Ryder," he says, biting the inside of his cheeks afterwards. "I'm scared of what he'll say."
I smile softly at him. "I'm sure he'll understand. He's probably just surprised." I give his hands a reassuring squeeze. "Your mom sounds okay with it, from what I can tell from yesterday. I mean, I don't think you'll be thrown out or anything."
He smiles and gives out a small laugh, visibly relaxing. "Yeah . . . you're right."
"Come here." I let go of his hands and open my arms, ignoring the fluttering feeling in my stomach.
Nathan looks at me curiously, head tilted, being insanely adorable.
"Come here." And he does.
I wrap my arms around him as his arms go around my neck. And I pull him to me, nuzzling his neck.
Warm. (So warm.)
I breathe him in. Coffee and cotton and books and golden rays of sunshine. He smells like a new beginning. A new life.
He feels so . . . safe.
I tighten my arms around him, but also careful not to crush him. I'm so glad to have him. I feel like crying - but happy tears, which feels foreign to me. Not until now.
Nathan snuggles into me, his lips forming into a smile against my skin. "This feels nice," he whispers to himself.
And then butterflies erupted inside again.
*
Nathan and I are standing on the curb outside my building, waiting for his dad. Nathan nervously looks at his phone and the road, and back at his phone again. Multiple times. I can feel his anxiety radiating off of him like a heatwave.
So I pull one hand out of my pocket and close it around his free hand. I give it a reassuring squeeze and he immediately stops fidgeting.
He smiles sweetly at me, blushing as he squeezes back.
Then, a black car pulls up in front of us. Nathan lets go of my hand in alarm and adjusts his glasses awkwardly. I scratch the back of my neck, unsure of what to do when a man gets out of the car and walks towards us. He has a very serious look on his face, unsmiling and tense. He's very tall, with tailored brown hair, signs of stubble and steel blue eyes. He's wearing a neatly ironed black shirt, straight grey slacks and black leather shoes. This man screams of intimidating professional shit.
"H-hi, Dad," Nathan says beside me.
Oh wait, that's actually his dad? I glance between them, trying to see the similarity between the shy blue-and-green-eyed ginger and the scary blue-eyed brunet.
Nathan's dad gives him a nod and looks at me instead. His steely eyes bore into me, making me squirm a little under his gaze. But I pull myself together. "Hi, Mr Adler," I say, shooting my hand out. "I'm Ryder."
"Hello . . . Ryder." He shakes my hand twice, firm and professional. Then he mutters under his breath, "So, he's the guy." Before I can make sense of this, he abruptly lets go of my hand and straightens his shirt. "Alright, we'll take our leave now," he announces, turning back to the car.
Nathan waves goodbye to me. "Bye, Ryder," he says, then he mouths, Help.
I give him an awkward thumbs-up and mouth back, Good luck! And he nods shyly and gets into the car.
And they're gone.
Nathan
Dad doesn't talk the whole way home.
I fidget in my seat, fiddling with the hem of Ryder's hoodie. He told me to keep it - which is really generous of him - and I refused, mostly because I felt like I owed him so much and I felt bad for taking something from him. Then he leaned toward me and batted his pretty lashes.
“Please?”
And that’s when I gave in and decided to keep it. Maybe I should wear it every night, so it feels like he’s hugging me as I fall asleep. His hugs are really comforting.
Now I wish he’s here with me, his cold hand holding mine reassuringly and feeling his hand getting warmer as seconds pass until our hands are about the same temperature - thermodynamic equilibrium.
Dad clears his throat. “So . . . you’re gay,” he says, making it sound more like a statement than a question.
“Y-yes.” I gulp and he says nothing more for a while.
I shift my gaze to the window, distracting myself from the doubting thoughts that cloud my mind right now. What if Ryder’s wrong? What if Dad hates me?
"That Ryder guy looks like a thug," he says instead. "Are you sure he's a friend?"
What? No! He looks nothing like one. Dad has a very warped perception of how thugs don’t look like.
"No, he's not!" I shake my head quickly. "Wait, he is! I mean- he's my friend and he's not a thug! He's in my classes and is actually really nice."
Dad side-glances at me. "Really? Because if he's gonna give you trouble then- "
I cut him off. "He won't give me any trouble! He hasn't and he never will!" Then I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from talking, looking at the blur of trees and buildings outside.
I woke up maybe half an hour before Ryder, and I stayed still because I didn’t want to wake him up. So I was locked in his warm embrace as time flew by, and I loved every second of it. I loved how comforted I feel whenever his arms are around me. I loved how his voice is able to gently untangle the knots of doubt in me. I just love everything about him.
Then I felt Ryder stirring, so I evened my breathing and pretended to sleep. I felt him nuzzling my head. I felt his light-as-butterfly-wings fingers softly caressing my cheeks. Thousands of unprecedented feelings surged through me like a rogue wave, and I couldn’t hold my act any longer. So I woke up.
And when he pulled his hand away, I felt a tiny piece of me wither at the loss of touch.
“Good to know,” Dad says now. Then he drives in silence.
*
“Nathan, sweetie!” Mom says as soon as I enter the house and envelopes me in her arms. I hug her back, trying my best to not break down. Then she pulls me away, warm green eyes searching my face. “I was so worried!” she says. “Don’t run off like that anymore, okay?”
“Okay.” I nod as she wipes a stray tear off my cheek and we situate ourselves on the sofa, with Kirk sleeping in the middle of the living room.
“So . . .” she starts, a mischievous glint in her eyes, “who’s the boy?”
“His name is Ryder,” Dad states, taking his seat beside me.
Mom grins. “Sounds hot.”
“Mom!” I protest, feeling my face heat up in betrayal. “He’s just a friend, okay?”
“I didn’t say that he’s your boyfriend or anything, though,” she huffs, crossing her arms in mock-offence. “I just said his name sounds hot.”
Well, not only his name. Then I mentally slap myself again.
“There is a difference, you see, ‘boy friend’ and ‘boyfriend’,” Mom continues, “you see the little space there? It’s called friend zone. Now, that space will get smaller and smaller and smaller until . . . BOOM!” She claps her hands together, entwining her fingers afterwards. “Boyfriend.”
“Mom!” I groan, and at the same time Dad sighs, “Patricia.”
Mom huffs again, “I’m just saying. You guys are no fun.”
I pipe up, changing the subject, “Where’s Eva?” Now that I think of it, the house is surprisingly quiet without her babbling and going on make-believe adventures with her stuffed toys around the house.
“She’s in her room. Sleeping,” Mom explains. “She got really upset about you suddenly running off into the night.”
“Sorry,” I say again. I shouldn’t have left everyone worried like that.
Dad puts a hand on my shoulder. “Nathan,” he says, “if you ever feel stressed or panicked about something, just tell us. Don’t disappear like that.”
“Yes, Dad.”
“If you have to tell us something like that again, please give me a heads-up, okay?”
I nod my head, wondering how am I supposed to give him a ‘heads-up’ on things like that.
“Good,” Dad says before pulling me into a hug.
Dad’s never this touchy with me before. Well, I mean after Cole left for college. Cole is . . . what’s the word? The favourite. The soul of this family. The joy, whatnot. Dad used to be happier back then, freely laughing and smiling. Then Cole left and there’s a huge black hole in our house, sucking away Dad’s happiness.
Mom joins in, wrapping her arms around the both of us. I hear a door swinging open and a couple of feet running until the person smacks right into us. We burst into laughter (even Dad) as Eva joins us and Kirk stirs up, barking as he pushes his way into our arms.
“You’re back!” Eva exclaims, showing off her toothy smile.
Then we’re all hugging together, feeling more like a family than we never have after Cole left.
________________
yALL
I HAVE AN IDEA
I wanna do a little Q&A session at the end of this book
And I'm making it look like a podcast but ofc no audio cus my voice acting capabilities can only include Ryder and Nick so,,, I'm planning to write it out like a transcript or some sort
ANYWAYS yall may throw in the wildest, most random question you have for me or any of my characters or all of my characters :))
(like honestly go crazy with the questions, or make them play a little truth or dare/would you rather/kiss kill marry game or whatnot)
Future Q&A questions go here (or you can dm me either way) --->
So yeah I'm looking forward to laughing my ass off at your questions :D and um take care of yourselves ❤️✨