So.... Im sorry for what will happen in this chapter
!tw: angst, panic attack!
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"Phil.." my voice echoed against the walls of the alleyway, tears welling in my eyes as I stared at him.
he's alive.. he's actually alive, this strange man wasn't lying.
"Y/N... Techno, let them go." Phil's voice practically boomed as the man, who's prior words I just processed, let me go. placing his sword back into its sheath, hand still resting on the golden hilt. Phil approached the two of us, Techno now coming to stand next to me. the tears in my eyes blurred my vision as I watched the man grow near. as if on queue, a tear fell down my cheek as he stopped in front of me. wrapping his arms, and wings, around my smaller frame. holding me close against his chest in a comforting hug.
I began sobbing into his kimono, tears seeping into the green fabric. I felt his shaky breath fan across the top of my head as he pressed his face into it, I could tell he thought this was a dream. that it was too good to be true, and I felt it, too. the feeling in my chest squeezing my heart, and the small voice whispering in my ear telling me that this was fake and that I was dead. that the other man had murdered me in cold blood.
"Phil.. where did you go? why did you leave us.." my voice cracked as I spoke, finally voicing the thoughts I've had for these past years. I felt his body shake, something wet falling into my hair.
"I'm sorry, Y/N.. I'm so sorry.." his voice was shaking as he spoke, nearly breaking multiple times. I could tell that it was tearing him apart, eating at his brain, his heart even, as the years went by.
"Sorry..? Phil, a sorry won't make up for the years you've missed. The birthdays you've missed. The days, weeks even Ranboo wouldn't leave his room. the only sounds seeping through the door being his sobs, his cries, pleads for it to all be a nightmare. and all you can say is 'sorry'?" I pushed him away, my voice cracking as more tears slipped past my eyes and fell down my cheeks. I could almost feel Phil's heart breaking as I spoke
"Solar didn't speak, smile, or even look at me for almost a year after we where told you died. We all thought you had been killed in the Nether. Solar and Ranboo still can't even mention your name without almost crying. Im the only one who can speak of you without nearly crying, and its even hard for me." My voice was growing a lot louder than I normally would've liked, anger bubbling inside me. Ignoring the tearing feeling in my chest as I shouted at the man that raised me from a young age. the man that was practically a father to me.
"Phil... a sorry, won't make up for the years I spent crying myself to sleep. singing that damned lullaby you used to sing to us just so I could get at least an hour of rest. the image of this very fucking hat being handed to me after hearing about you haunting me to my core." As I spoke, I took the hat off my head and practically threw it at the male. I turned my gaze to the floor, seeing the pain and anger in my eyes as I gazed at myself in a puddle made by a leaky pipe.
"Y/N.." Phil's soft voice invaded my ears, the items I had bought or traded for still in my very shaky arms. I had forgotten about then and nearly dropped then.
"Save it, Philza. If you want to apologize, you can do it to all of us. If you even remember the way back home." A scowl evident on my face as I spoke, i took the hat back and placed it on my head, pushing past him and practically running out of the alleyway. Phil's voice called out to me, begging me to come back, but I just kept walking. getting practically lost in the crowd as I followed my instincts and knowledge of the town to make my way back to the forest.
walking along the path, more tears slipped from my eyes as I thought about what I had shouted. my own voice haunting my mind.
"Save it, Philza. If you want to apologize, you can do it to all of us. If you even remember the way back home."
the words echoed in my ears, in my brain, as I walked. my body still shaking from what I thought was adrenalin. eventually, as I pushed myself past the foliage, the cottage came into view. the sun was close to setting and clouds loomed in the sky, still heavy with rain. It was about to pour, I could tell. the smell of salt still lingered in the air, even this far away from the ocean its smell still stayed with me. engraving the scent into my brain.
I flung open the gate, practically slamming it closed as I stormed towards the door. flinging it open again, slamming it shut behind me. If I was any stronger, it probably would've cracked the wood. the sound startling Solar and Ranboo, who sat by the fireplace, attempting to light it. their heads swung towards me, gazes immediately filling with worry when they saw the tears in my eyes and how violent my body was shaking. I just threw the things onto the small table against the wall, flinging off my coat and tossing Phil's hat somewhere into the dust of the corner.
I ran past them, through the doorways and into the bedroom I had called mine. slamming the door shut and locking it. immediately, I could hear Solar's voice from the other side. I couldn't understand what he was saying, my ears ringing from nothing. my legs gave out beneath me and I fell to the floor, hunching over. my hands keeping me from laying on the ground. I felt like I was going to vomit as I sobbed.
it's your fault he left
it's always been your fault
if you had stayed away from Phil and ran away like you planned as a child, this wouldn't be happening.
Ranboo would've had a better childhood
Solar wouldn't had become a thief
it's all your fault
A voice whispered into my ear, the words ringing into my brain. I always believed the voice, no matter what my subconscious told me.
"I'm the reason for everything.." I mumbled, voice trailing off in the end. subconsciously, I moved to sit against the bed. pulling my legs to my chest and dragging the dark green duvet off the bed behind me, wrapping it around my body. it slowed the violent shaking of my body, but it never stopped. I could hear my heart beating in my ears, the only sound other than ringing that could be heard. everything else being drowned out.
I let out multiple shaky breaths as I sobbed, making myself seem as small as possible as I tried to calm myself. The door burst open, Ranboo and Solar standing in the doorway. Immediately, the taller males bicolored arms wrapped around me, pulling me into his chest in a tight hugs. Solar left the room, hearing something I couldn't.
as the ringing in my ears subsided, I released shaky breaths. finally, Ranboo spoke.
"Y/N, can you tell me what you feel?" his voice was soft, worry filling his words. I slowly nodded and my eyes landed on something in front of me.
"the duvet..." my voice was small and shaky, I was trying to process what was happening.
"okay.. what do you smell?" his voice was slightly calmer now when he spoke. he held me closer to his body, seemingly scared of letting go. I took a deep breath in through my nose, the scent of firewood invading my senses.
"firewood.."
"okay, can you tell me what you see?"
my eyes tried to focus on something before finally, I saw a small creature between the potted plant by the door and the wardrobe.
"a spider.."
"Good- wait, a-.. a spider?" Ranboo's voice was filled with confusion
"yeah, over there.." I pointed to the small spider making its web. Immediately, Ranboo squealed and jumped. Standing up and pulling me onto the bed, trying to get away from the thing. I laughed at this, he was always scared of spiders. I never understood why, though.
"calm down, Ranboo. It won't hurt you, its just a small spider." I carefully pulled myself out of his arms and shrugged off the blanket, as calm as I could be. I got onto my knees and held my hand out against where the spider was making its web, the small creature crawling onto my hand. I smiled, turning towards Ranboo and holding up my hand
"see? it won't hurt you, dummy" I joked, turning my attention back to the spider as Ranboo stuttered, trying to find something to say. I lifted my other hand, folding all my fingers but one and holding my pinky out towards it. one of the creatures small arms extending and pressed against my pinky for a moment before pulling it away and placing it back on my palm. I moved my hand back to its web and the creature crawled back onto it, returning to its work.
"how-, what-, when-," Ranboo stuttered behind me, confused and slightly scared of something he could step on without even knowing it was there.
"I swear, you're like those princesses in the books we read as kids... just- just start singing and a deer will come to see you" Ranboo joked, sitting up properly and watching as I stood again. stretching my shoulders.
"yeah, and what does that make you and Solar? the dwarves?" I joked back, glancing at him as I headed out the door. Ranboo quick to be at my side.
"pfft, yeah sure. We're the dwarves." he replied, laughing and swinging an arm over my shoulders. Solar came back into the room, practically unlike he'd just seen a ghost.
"Y/N... A pink haired man and a guy who looks exactly like Phil are approaching from the forest." His voice was rushed, silence falling over us as Ranboo and I's eyes widened..
I completely forgot that Phil was alive and what I said to him..
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Apologies for the slightly shorter chapter, its 3:16am for me currently and I am very tired. I hope you enjoyed this, I am very much sorry if I've made you cry with this chapter.