authors note!
hi friends, i decided that i wanted to continue this book with one last chapter to end it off and bring everything together. i ended this book a long time ago but i knew i wanted to do something more with it, especially since so many people still read this and i love you all so very much xoxox
it's a long one and moves a bit fast because i had a lot to fit in one chapter that's over 10k words. it also doesn't follow the plotline of the series or comic book at all. my own ideas. this is the very last chapter and there will not be a second book but i wanted to write these characters i love so much again one more time!!
xx
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" HOPE IS A DANGEROUS
THING TO HAVE "
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The apocalypse was a cycle. Morning to night, January to December, winter to summer. The days flew by like blank pages in a book that had been ripped through front to back desperate for words. Each day their list of reasons to live grew slimmer, and their chance of survival dwindled along with it.
In the beginning they'd had hope - not much of it, but enough to get them through the days and nights. The world was so vast, there must had been someone, at least one human out there with the potential to find a cure. Vada figured, maybe they were naive to think it was ever possible. You couldn't heal rotten flesh and you certainly couldn't avoid fate.
Not only was it a cycle, but a vicious one at that. If the universe didn't take you down the first time, it would try again and again until it had you begging and pleading on your knees for mercy or any semblance of compassion. It ripped her apart from her family years and years ago when they'd left the prison, and did it all over again in Alexandria. A herd of walkers so massive it could take down a whole city. It was incredibly rare to see such a group of walkers, but it didn't take long for her to learn that anything was possible in this world, and if the universe wanted to see you suffer, it would. It would hand you a glimpse of hope on a pristine silver platter and then devour it right in front of your eyes.
It had been four years since Vada had seen the gates of Alexandria. Four years since she'd seen her father, brother, all the people she'd grown to love. Five years since she'd seen Negan.
She thought about him, a lot. She wondered if he was still out there somewhere fighting for his life. He was never one to give up, she knew that for sure. If he was gone, it wasn't on his own terms. The thought made her stomach churn.
She had to admit, though, the consuming thoughts of Negan and his wellbeing lessened every year she survived. She had four people to worry about now, and that number could change as quickly as she lost the rest of her family. Vincent, Emma, Carl, and Judith.
Her brother Carl had died in Alexandria from a walker bite. Vada and her father kneeled hand in hand and wept together. She had never felt such fervent sadness and anger than that day, except for maybe the day she'd lost her father. She ruminated over how cruel the world was for years afterwards for taking such an innocent, selfless life. She wondered the same about her dad, who had been taken down in the herd. She asked herself why. Why her family. The attack came from behind, unexpected. He'd had his guard down, watching his little girl's back, putting a bullet into the walker that lunged itself at Judith. What he failed to realize, was nobody had his. Half a second later a chunk of his neck was gone. Just like that.
It wasn't until about four years after that she'd come to terms with it, rationalizing her peace with her brother's and father's deaths as coming to terms with reality. She couldn't change her circumstances, but she could be at ease with them. After all, the world had given her a gift, and the universe she was familiar with wasn't quite known for its generosities. It was no where near liberal when handing out good things in this life, but there was always two sides to look at. She was grateful that she knew her father was in a better place. If it weren't for his death, there wouldn't have been a day that went by that she didn't spend every last bit of energy her body had to give to find him again, as they likely would have been separated like she was everyone else. Daryl, Michonne, and she couldn't even remember the last time she'd seen Carol's sweet face.
But it had let her hang on to her little sister, and given Vincent and Emma the most wonderful thing they could receive. Their baby boy, Carl.
They hadn't had the best luck securing their safety out in the world. They all wanted the best for the children they were responsible for raising. Judith was seven, and Carl had just turned four. However, even though they'd had decent luck securing homes for short periods of time in the past, when your group size shrinks to single digits, you have one of two options: stay in one place and accept the fact that once day it'll turn on you, or you become a nomad. Let's just say she hadn't had a true home in four years.
Vada and Vincent were sprawled on their backs, the rotting floorboards beneath them willing to collapse any second and the ceiling above them not far behind. Emma was in the other room of the old home, which had been a play room for the original owner's kids. Their laughter were light screams travelling through the stagnant, dull air with tiny feet thumping around making the floor vibrate. The good thing about raiding and living in these homes was that most people had left in a hurry when the world went to shit. It wasn't common to walk into a home and find rotting corpses. When they did, it was never easy. Not when there was kids involved.
Vincent was silent. He had been for around ten minutes. Vada didn't notice until he took a deep breathe in and out and ran his hands down his face. She almost forgot he was there until he made it known. She figured he was running over just as many thoughts in his mind as she was hers.
She turned so the side of her face was pressed against the wood. "Penny for your thoughts?"
Vincent shot a fleeting glance and flicked his eyes upward. "Honestly?" He asked. Vada nodded. "I miss reading."
"Maybe the next house will have some books." She tried to be the glass half full kind of person.
He pursed his lips. "Its not the same. You know, those books that every reader has that never leaves them. The books that make all the other ones you attempt to read seem mediocre at best." Vada thought he was done talking, before he cleared his throat and continued. "I just... miss them."
"I know what you mean."
She didn't say it, but what Vincent said brought back a lot. The day she met Negan, the day that Negan left her, and every day in between. There were three things she cared about at that point in her life:
Negan, books, and her family, and she had taken all three of those things for granted. Now she has what she considers her new family. If there's one thing she's learned, it's to be appreciative for what you have in that moment. You never know when you could lose it.
"Penny for your thoughts?" Vincent asked, likely trying to be polite and ask her back. It was funny after all the time they had spent together, he was still like that.
Vada took a moment to think about it. If she was being honest with herself, acting as a second mother to the kids and always taking care of them made her wish she had one of her own when she'd had the chance. At the same time, she had something inside if her telling her that bringing a baby into that world would be cruel. Perhaps, one day, if they were safe. Really safe.
"I just miss our old life." Vada stared up at the water damaged ceiling. "I want to have security and be able to start a family of my own, you know. As much as I love you guys, I'm not your family."
"You're basically family." Vincent seemed upset by that.
"It's not the same. I want a baby. I want to see my eyes or my husband's eyes in the kid. Someday."
Vincent sat up and looked at Vada with sincerity and confidence. "I'll make sure that's what we see for your future, Vada. We'll find good shelter soon."
Vada thought about that for a moment, but truthfully there wasn't much to think about. "What is good shelter? A prison? A farm? A small community?"
he sat upright and ran the palm of his hands from his forehead to the nape of his neck. "There's always something to stumble upon out there that we don't know exists."
Vada shrugged. "It is how it is. We haven't found anything useful in this long, Vince, it's a little discouraging. I just don't want this. Jumping from house to house. At least Alexandria had a gate, even though it looked like I could push it down with one hand."
A chuckle left his throat. "Bet all it took was the first walker to make it go down."
The corners of her lips curled upward. She was happy they could make light of such dark circumstances.
"Hey, what do you say we pack up again tomorrow?" It had been a week. Usually they would stay for around ten or twelve days and then hit the road, but something inside her was urging her explore. Perhaps it was all the talk of finding good shelter. As much as she hated the idea of becoming familiar with another place that would eventually come to an end, there was no arguing against hot water, food, and socialization.
Vincent nodded. "Let's do it. I have hope."
Vada gave Vincent a distinct look, one that he likely already knew was coming. "Hope is a dangerous thing to have."
He didn't answer. Mostly because there was no denying, optimism is the one thing that will beat you into the dirt and leave you there for dead.
Nobody dared to bring it up, but the safety of Judith and Carl was a constant concern. They all knew as long as they were in their care they would be safe. But they wouldn't be around forever, and when you're putting other's lives before yours, you're taking the risk of losing yours. Just like her dad did.
She cleared all thought from her mind and stood from the grimy floor, brushing off the backs of her legs. She held out a hand and Vincent swung to grab it, pulling himself up.
"Let's get the kids to bed. I'm sure Emma's had enough of them for tonight."
He nodded and together they made their way to the children's room.
-
The next day was no easier than any other. They started it off by getting the kids ready, packing their bags for them and getting Carl dressed. Vada whipped up a nutritious breakfast of crunchy peanut butter on apples with raspberries on the side. They found a bush full of them in the backyard days prior and took that to their advantage, and an apple tree at the house next door.
Judith was becoming more self sufficient every day, making her own food and taking care of her own needs. Vada almost wondered if she worried too much about her for how strong she was for her age. She fully understood the concept of life and death and recognized that walkers were all people like her at one point in time. In fact, Vada had never seen so much empathy in one child. As somebody who was born into a world flooded with death and disease, she was more of a glass half full kind of person than Vada ever was.
"Let's move!" Vincent patted his little boy on the head as he grinned ear to ear. Emma and Vada both clung onto separate small baskets of berries for the road. They always liked having food just in case they couldn't find shelter right away. It wasn't easy to explain to two hungry kids why they didn't have any food to give them. Judith was understanding, but Carl didn't quite get it yet.
There were things she had to teach Judith that she dreaded reliving with Carl. How to use a gun, why it was them against the world, why she didn't have a mother or father. All things a child should never have to think about.
Vada grabbed Carl's underarms and pulled him up in one swift motion. She sat the boy on her shoulders and clung onto his ankles, swinging them as they walked together. It became a small agreement between the two, ever since the first time she had refused to carry him any further and he'd thrown a fit in the middle of the street. Carl was quite the attraction for walkers. Nothing would be as bad as when he was initially born, however.
Emma gave birth exactly a week before Alexandria ran into the ground. It was an easy birth, she said. There was no time in her life tougher than the first few months on the road with a newborn. Constant crying, feeding, and sleep while they needed to be on the move. It got easier when they managed to gather some supplies, and Vada thanked god again and again that Emma was still there with her, otherwise there was no way they would have been able to feed him.
"Let's play a game," Emma suggested.
"I spy!" Judith chanted, clapping her hands together. "Please can we?"
"Yea I spy!" Carl joined in, likely not knowing what he was advocating for. Emma laughed and ruffled the back of her son's head. He swatted down at her.
"Okay, I'll start." Vada said, taking glances around the open roads to see what was noticeable enough for the kids to find. She spotted an abandoned yellow bicycle in the distance.
"Yellow."
Everybody looked around for a good thirty seconds before Vincent swung his head around and grinned. He pointed to the bike.
Judith's shoulders dropped. "He's too good at this. No fair."
Vada placed her hand on Judith's back. "Bet you didn't know Vince has to wear glasses when he reads. His eyesight is terrible. You already have that advantage him, kiddo." She patted her comfortingly. "Natural selection will take him soon enough."
"What's natural selection?"
"Remember Spencer?" Vincent butted in.
Vada gasped and kicked the back of his foot, making him flinch in pain. He gave her a dirty look but it didn't last long before he began to chuckle.
"She was three, you dingus. And he was still a person, believe it or not." She hated Spencer. Still she would never say his death was justified. Or anybody's, for that matter.
The conversation of death dwindled after that and they began to play more I spy. Judith went next, choosing a half eaten apple on the side of the road. Emma chose the colour of Carl's jeans, knowing he would guess it right away. Carl, on the other hand, chose the colour of the car nearest to all of them, the neon green Kia Soul two meters from everybody's feet. He wasn't seeming to understand the point of the game was not to guess it in the first few seconds.
Eventually it was Vada's turn all over again. She tapped her chin, pretending to think long and hard about what to choose. They had been walking long enough it wasn't much but green anymore. They were surrounded by trees and the pavement was suddenly coming to an end.
"I spy..." She hummed her words and looked down to see if there was anything on the ground she could use for the game. What she found instead made her paralyzed where she stood. "Footprints."
There was a long pause. A small gasp from Emma, and a heavy gaze from Vince.
"Um, you have to say a colour," said Carl.
Vada grabbed him by the arms and lowered him back down to the ground as quickly as she could. She pulled the little boy in front of her body, hugging him to her lower half and roaming the empty space with eagle eyes. There as not a living body in sight.
If it had been one set of footsteps, she would have thought nothing of it. It was a walker's job to stumble around aimlessly all day long. These ones were different, though. It looked to be a group of three walking side by side. The indents in the ground were far too clean to be a walker's as well. There were men in the area, she knew that for sure.
Vada and Vincent got down on their knees, stooping low to get a good look at the prints. Vincent looked up. "What should we do?"
Emma grabbed Carls shoulders and frowned. There was one thing they all knew — humans were to be feared much more than walkers. They'd seen it time and time again.
"Nothing else we can do," Vada said. "Let's keep walking."
If they weren't in sight, chances are they were already a good bit ahead of them, and they wouldn't run into each other. It was a risky decision with kids, but there weren't many choices.
They seemed to be coming into a bit of a nice neighbourhood, anyways. The houses were all aligned perfectly and the air somehow seemed more clean. Now that Vada thought of it, she hadn't seen a walker in a while. At the same time, other than the footsteps, there didn't really seem to be any form of life.
They continued on their path and kept to the sidewalks. There were very few cars on the side of the road, and many looked like they'd run just fine if any of them knew how to hotwire. Vada always bullied Vincent for being such a nerd, but not having the most useful skill he could have in the apocalypse.
Vada held Carl's hand instead of putting him on her shoulders. She was too on edge now. Carl seemed to be enjoying it, the path was becoming scenic and they were coming upon a wide river that could have even been a lake. The water was blue. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen water that blue.
"We need to find a place close to here," said Vincent. "We need to be close to the water. It'll be good to have around."
Emma nodded, followed by Vada shortly after. They came up to a turn where there seemed to be a whole road of retail stores and small restaurants. They turned down there.
By that point, Carl was grabbing his stomach and whining. Vada knew the berries wouldn't be enough, he needed so much more than that as a growing child. It had been hard to give that to him lately. Finding food was proving to be very difficult.
The restaurant was small and comfortable, an Italian scene with beautiful decor that didn't seem too touched, just a bit dusty. The tables and chairs were scattered around the floor and it seemed like most food, visible from the front doors, had been raided.
"Looks like we weren't the first here," Vincent said.
"Maybe we should see if there's any other places here?" Emma suggested. Vada shrugged.
Vincent pursed his lips and shook his head. "Let's check the back, just to be sure."
Emma grabbed onto Carl with one hand and Judith with the other. Vada stepped forward, placing her hand on the hilt of her gun as her and Vincent advanced forward to the employee doors. There was no audible moaning or grunting from where they stood, but Vada kept her guards up nonetheless.
When Vince kicked his foot, causing the door to swing open, they were pleased to see there wasn't anything needing to be taken care of. Just a bit of canned goods, dry foods, and jars.
"Well look at that," Said Vincent.
Vada grinned and took a quick walk around the tight room, grabbing a few essentials and shoving them into her arms. She grabbed penne, canned pasta sauce, and some dry seasonings that were likely very expired. She popped her head out of the doors.
"Might as well sit down, we'll be here a while."
Emma smiled faintly and ushered the children over to one of the cleaner looking booths. Vada retreated back to the pantry. "So, are you helping me make this pasta or not?"
"Well I thought you were the talent around here, but sure. I guess I can help you."
"Shut up and go light the stove. Surely you know how to do that, with this, right?" She flicked a lighter in his direction. He grabbed it swiftly, and shoved it right into his pocket. His face scrunched in a disgruntled manner.
"It's been what, six years, we've been killing this apocalypse shit together? And you still question my basic abilities?" Vincent paused and shook his head. "I need new friends. Well, a new friend, I guess I should say."
"Yea, it's pretty lame that you only have one friend." She kicked the door open and turned back. "Now come on. We have kids to feed."
He laughed and held the door behind her, raising her arm over her head. He started the stove, and she began to get the food together, separating the pasta into one bowl and the sauce into another. Luckily there were still many clean pots and pans for their use.
Dinner was ready in just under twenty minutes, and The kids were nearly squealing with joy when they saw stream coming from the bowls that Vincent and Vada served to them. The leftover food they put in containers and agreed to collect the rest of the pantry items before they left after dinner. Once everybody was full and content with how much they had ate, they said around to chat a bit more. Judith grabbed her bowl and brought it to the kitchen, followed by Carl who copied anything she did.
"I guess we have to get out of here and find an actual place to sleep tonight," Vada said, slipping a sigh in there. Emma nodded and frowned. There was a long, overdrawn moment of dead silence where the three stared into space and enjoyed the peace of the moment. It was good while it lasted, being full and happy.
Vada got to her feet, ending that moment. "I'll go see if there's any bags around to carry the stuff from the pantry."
The two nodded, and Vada headed toward the kitchen. Right before she could push the door open, there was a loud bang and shatter. She swung it open with no second thought, her hand flying to her pistol.
Her rapid heart eased when all she saw was broken glass on the concrete floor and pasta sauce oozing all over. However she realized quickly after that the jar had fallen on Carl, because he was covered shoulder to toes in sauce and had just begun to cry.
She hurried over to him and Judith backed up, spooked by what happened. Carl was holding his shoulder, so she peeled his hand away gently to uncover a bit on a cut and some blood trickling down his arm. It was nothing serious, but something that definitely needed cleaning.
"You okay, sweetie?" She asked the kid. He nodded and she rubbed his back, then ran to grab some paper towel from the counter.
Vada wiped up the bit of blood on the boy's arm and then led both the kid's out of the room. Emma gasped when she saw Carl, but Vada stopped her before she could say anything.
"A jar fell on him, he's okay just a small cut. I'm gonna take him to the river and clean him up a bit. We don't have many clothes for him right now so I need clean this up now."
Emma eased back when she realized he wasn't hurt bad. She rubbed her son's head, shagging up his hair and kissing his forehead. "You go take a bath and be nice to Vada. Don't hurt yourself anymore, please."
He nodded and sniffled from the crying. As stress inducing as they were, kids were a pleasant innocent energy to have around in such dark times. Vada wanted to let them enjoy this time of their life as much as they could before they knew their reality, and Judith was pretty much already past that point. Carl was aware that this wasn't normal, but he didn't have much of a clue of life before the apocalypse. All he knew was dead people equals bad.
The sun was just starting to set at that point. She knew she had at least forty minutes to get back before it got dark, and the bathing would only take her ten minutes total, washing his clothes included. She kept one hand linked with the small boy's and another ready to use her weapon. She wasn't surprised Emma trusted Vada to take her son alone. The five of them were basically a huge family at that point.
Carl seemed to be in his own little world because he didn't say much, just stared off into the sky. He was a boy with a big imagination. They were nearing closer to the lake. It looked blue enough to see the bottom, sandy and dirty with bits of weeds swaying beneath the water. No walkers in sight. That was always a fear when going in water. Not being able to see what's at the bottom.
"What were you doing trying to get the sauce, Carl?"
"Judith said we needed to help pack with you guys."
"Well, that's very nice of you, but let's leave it up to the adults from now on, okay babe? Now take off your shirt." Carl did what she said. He raised his arms and she slipped off the dirty shirt, dipping it in the water and wringing the sauce out bit by bit. Being a white shirt she didn't get rid of the stains by any mean, but it was wearable. Before removing his pants, she took a cloth she'd shoved in her back pocket and dunked it in the water before patting it on his shoulder. He winced briefly and then held a sour look on his tiny face.
"It hurts," he moaned.
"Sorry, hun."
The pain was evident on his face but she knew she wasn't hurting him too bad. The expression seemed to ease up quick, but then had a sudden shift to something more frightened. He tugged on her arm alarmingly, pointing at something behind her. She turned around.
A figure walking toward them. A man. She couldn't make the face, barely even the clothes, but it surely wasn't Vincent. She knew he had seen them due to the fact he was heading in a straight line toward them, and there was a car parked not far behind with the front doors left open.
Vada couldn't count the amount of extremities that ran through her mind at that moment. She was caring for another woman's child. She would never let anything happen to that boy. She was shocked that Carl wasn't crying from how hard Vada was gripping onto him.
"Get behind me, please." She whipped out her weapon and took it off safety. As soon as the figure became visible to her, the tough grip on her weapon lessened. It was a face she hadn't seen in such a long time — a face she never thought she'd see again. Someone she thought dead.
Simon. He looked the exact same as he did five years prior, with a bit of age added. A shotgun slung around his shoulder, he paced forward and it was becoming evident he was seeing who she was too. Vada didn't think she'd ever seen the man smile so wide in his life. He shook his head back and forth dramatically and flung his arms open wide.
She shuffled forward, almost tripping as she ran into the man and wrapped her arms around him. He smelled of liquor, quite typical of him, and gave the same comforting hugs as always.
"I'm so glad you're alive, Simon. Holy fucking shit."
He pulled back and forced his brows together, shooting her a judgemental look. "Still got that mouth on you, huh sweetheart?" He grunted and laughed under his breath. "I'm glad you're alive, too. I missed the hell out of you. And, well, if you're happy I'm alive, then you just might pee yourself with excitement."
She froze. She wasn't sure what he knew, and wasn't sure she could handle that information after just finding out one of her old friends was still alive. Carl joined her side and she wrapped her arms around her back, where he sheltered himself behind her.
"Simon, what are you talking about?"
"This yours?" He nodded down at the kid, ignoring her question.
She huffed. "No, he's Vincent's. Him and his wife are just down the street with my sister."
He nodded slowly, chewing on his lip. "Well, our community welcomes children with open arms. They're the future, after all."
"Your-"
"Yeah." He twisted his body back to face the car he'd come in, all the way down the road but she could still now recognize it. He jerked his head in that direction.
They immediately started walking that way, no questions asked. Vada trusted Simon a hell of a lot, and he was quite a powerful man. He knew how to survive this shit, and he was never alone doing it.
"Let's just say I'm glad I got more than just a redneck to talk to for the rest of the evening." That grin was back on his face quicker than she could gasp. "Lazy bastard said if I wanted to stop to see what ya'll were doing I'd have to do it alone. Lucky him that it just happened to be you."
They were close enough to the car that Daryl had seen her and gotten out. She couldn't process the image of him before her. He was as attractive as always, but he cleaned up more with age. A slight stubble and the usual shaggy, brown hair. He didn't look like he was fighting for his life.
Daryl hurried around the side of the vehicle and into her arms. She almost began to cry but held it in to save the embarrassment. "I can't believe I'm hugging you right now."
He held her even tighter. She heard his gruff voice for the first time in four years. "C'mon. We always find each other."
He was right. The universe had a funny way of leading them all back to each other when they needed it the most. It was as if they were meant to be together in that shitshow of a world. She couldn't have asked for two stronger men to have by her side. She figured Carl and Judith could have enough food if the community Simon was a part of had enough supplies for everybody, as well.
The hug lasted almost a full minute. She pulled herself away from him but still held onto his shoulders, the smile growing on her lips loving and kind. Daryl never smiled too big, but you could see his emotions through his eyes. He was truly and utterly shocked, probably that she was even alive, as she was him. Simon was nonchalant, and cleared his throat.
Daryl broke eye contact and looked off to Simon. They shared some sort of look with each other, which ended in Simon emitting a chuckle. He crossed his arms over his chest and took in a deep, husky breath. "Well, I'm just gonna rip off the dang bandaid. Negan's alive."
There were a few short moments were a jolt passed through her body, and her heart sank deep into her stomach. Her grip on Carl faded and her lips fell apart. She was expecting some sort of answer from Simon, but truly it was not that. Vada didn't think she would ever see Negan again as long as she was alive. If she could be honest with herself, she was beyond pissed with him. She was for a long time, but she understood his motive and the woman she grew into realized the sacrifice that he had to make. It was mature of him, and given their vast age difference, Negan would have felt incredibly guilty if he had taken Vada from her father, or caused any more harm to their community. But she was so in love with him, given the option she never would have allowed him to leave her side. She could have made things work and she was sure of it.
None of that was relevant anymore. Negan was alive. Being a man that she was once in love with, and still had tremendous love for, she threw her face into her hands and began laughing with joy. The nights and nights she prayed that Negan was okay and wasn't out there somewhere suffering or roaming the world as the dead, he was alright all along. It didn't come as a shock, if anyone was to survive it was him.
"Is he... okay?" She asked tentatively, hoping the answer wouldn't be anything too bad.
"Oh he's more than okay," Simon said and looked to Daryl with a short grin, "he's living it up back at our community. In fact, he's leading it. Don't worry though, it ain't none of that shit that went on back at the sanctuary. Negan's always been a good leader, but he's only gotten better. He's a hell of a lot more peaceful this time around, let me tell you. I mean- peaceful may be giving him too much credit. He's still an asshole."
Vada couldn't seem to close her gaping mouth. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her gaze shifted to Daryl. The man shrugged. "After four years of surviving and starting a community with him, I don't hate the fucker as much." Daryl seemed very hesitant, squinting his eyes and chewing on his lips. It was a tough topic, Negan. The harm he did to the people they knew would never disappear. "I'll never forget what he did to everyone. But you gotta do what you gotta do to survive."
"Negan's good," she said. "This world messes people up in impossible ways."
She knew if they had never killed each other's men in the beginning, there wouldn't have been a feud. Then again, she wouldn't have met him in that case. Vada was entirely grateful for the experiences she had with Negan. He taught her what love and respect should feel like from a man. She doubted she'd ever find anybody else like him, but it was still a good thing to know the feeling.
Simon dug into his pocket and lit up cigarette, flicking one over to Daryl. He looked Vada and Carl up and down, then nodded to the streets. "Why don't ya go get your friends, bring em back over here and we can head home."
"Home," Vada repeated with a grin spreading to her cheeks. She placed her hand on Carl's uninjured shoulder and turned him around, kneeling down to eye level. She ruffled her fingers through his soft hair and kissed his cheek. "We have a home now, kid."
Carl frowned and scrunched his nose. "For how long."
"As long as we can." She patted his head and stood back to her feet. Carl stood out of the way of the smoke coming from the men's cigarettes. Vada smiled at the two, then turned her back and began to make her way down the street to get Emma and Vincent.
She stopped in her tracks. Turning around, she tilted her head. "This community, does it have a name?"
"Sunbrook." He flicked his ashes. "Little gated community on the other side of this lake here. Now you want a hot shower and some home cooked food or what? Go get 'em."
She didn't need to be told twice.
-
Her ams and legs felt like jello as the car jolted over the rough dirt roads. Vada was sat in the middle of the jeep that Simon drove, her arms clung to both the driver's and passengers seat. She swore she could have exploded with nerves in that moment. Emma and Vincent took their own car with the kids, but Vada wanted to ride and catch up with her old friends.
She learned that Simon was now in a committed relationship, but Daryl still had yet to meet somebody. Vada figured he didn't want to. He was too independent of a man. Any questions she asked about Negan other than his wellbeing were shut down by Simon who insisted she talk to him herself. That was fair enough to her. She couldn't deny that she was torn on whether she was upset with him or glad to be close again. She'd have to decide, to determine her first words to him.
She wondered whether he'd moved on. Maybe that's why Simon wasn't answering her questions. Maybe he'd had a kid by now, as old as three or four. The thought made her stomach churn, but she realized it wasn't her place to have feelings about his life. If he had a child, that was an amazing thing for him. Negan had so much love to give and never knew where to give it.
"Daryl," Vada said with a heavy sigh. He grunted. She rolled her eyes and continued. "Did anybody else... make it? To Sunbrook?"
He turned his head in the slightest. The look on his face was promising, there was that at least.
"Maggie and her son."
Vada fell back in her seat. She wondered about those two for so long. How they were. She so desperately wanted to see Maggie's boy grow up.
"Maggie? She doesn't have a problem with Negan?"
"She hates him. Always will. Keeps her distance most times, but when Negan's not around, she usually is."
"Hm."
Simon chipped in. "She knows it's a safe place to live. The gates are too strong for any herd to push through. The security is amazing. We have people roaming the perimeter of the lake, which is why we found you. We always have food, hot water, electricity. It's just logical for her."
"I'm glad she's okay."
The conversation came to a stop when the gates of the community became visible. They were tall and concrete, with lookouts at the top where multiple armed men stood. It looked a bit more austere than a nice gated community, but that's just what the apocalypse did. The lake is what made it beautiful — and what used to be a golf course was overgrown grass flowing in the breeze. It was amazing to think Negan behind all of it.
"Welcome to Sunbrook, sweetheart. It's a beautiful place to live. Like a little resort even. You'll love the fuck out of it here. We got tons of shit." Simon brought the car to a stop right in front of the gates and popped his head out, waving at the men with guns to hurry up and open the gate. He slumped back in his seat and pressed on the gas, moving onto the smooth streets of the rich town.
He didn't drive far in, just pulled around the gates and parked. Vincent and Emma weren't any more than a few minutes behind, she figured. Simon unbuckled and got out from the driver's side, followed quickly by Daryl. Vada grabbed Daryl's crossbow that sat to the right of her, and climbed out the left side. She passed it over to him and he thanked her.
"It's been how many years of this shit and you're still surviving with a crossbow? Shit." Vada laughed. She spoke with a small giggle. "You know, guns are actually this super useful weapon and you don't have to go get the bullet every time you shoot a walker."
He muttered something under his breath and raised his eyes to the sky. "Yeah. And my shit don't attract the walkers that you gotta kill."
She parted her lips, about to mention the fact that he drove the loudest vehicle he possible could, and then stopped. Bickering with Daryl was all fun and games but she was too nervous to keep it going. The fact that she was in the same community as the man she used to love so much kept pounding into the back of her mind.
Shortly, the gates opened once more and the grey Nissan that Vincent drove came rolling in. Vada looked at Daryl. "Don't be surprised when Judith ends up being your best friend."
She hurried over to the car that had just come to a stop. The front doors opened and then Judith from the back. Vada went to the other side of the car and opened the door, taking Carl from the seat and holding him in her arms.
The boy was still covered in sauce, with one of his old dirty shirts that they'd brought along because the white one he was wearing was soaking wet. Vada was desperate to get him and herself changed. She turned to Emma and got a bit closer so that she could lower her voice.
"I need a distraction right now. Let me take Carl to get changed and you and Vincent go do whatever. I just need to get cleaned up."
She nodded understandingly and cupped her boy's cheek, leaning down to give him a kiss on the cheek. Emma never refused when Vada asked to babysit, it was tons of stress off her and Vada was amazing with him. She was like an older sister.
She grabbed Carl's hand and turned to Daryl. "Can you show me where we're staying?"
He agreed in a low voice and motioned her over with his hands. Simon followed along, Vincent and Emma behind and Judith hopping along in her own little world. She looked at her sister and was scared thinking about how well she would get along with Negan. Knowing the two both so well, they would be quite the duo.
They walked until the got to a part of the neighbourhood where not all the houses were occupied. Around half of them were, scattered around. It must have been normal for people to move every now and then to change things up.
"The ones with red flags in the ground are free. We just have to check in with Negan whenever somebody starts living in one of our houses. He usually talks to our newcomers..." Simon shot Vada a look. She glanced down. She wanted so desperately to talk to Negan but had no idea what to say.
She looked toward a house at the end of the road, with a baby blue exterior and a white roof. The backyard was facing the lake. Vada pointed to that one. "Seems too good to be true."
Simon turned to see where she was pointing. "It's all yours."
It didn't take much longer for Emma and Vincent to choose a house on the same street. Simon had no issues with their choices and made the friendly gesture of removing the flags from their lawn. He stood at the end of the driveway with his hands on his hips as he chewed at his lip. His moustache wiggled like a caterpillar as he looked the house up and down.
"Well, enjoy your space. I'm sure we'll be making some arrangements tonight for dinner so you're not eating alone. And, well, I'm gonna have to send the big boss over if that's alright with you."
"Of course," Vada said. She furrowed her brow.
She took the hand of the small boy beside her and turned to make her way inside the house. Carl was skipping along, seeming to forget that he'd had an accident that very day. She patted his head and laughed, attempted to ease the nerves coursing through her body.
"Well, I guess this place is all mine and Judith's, buddy. You excited to see your own place?"
"Yes!" He exclaimed, hopping onto the front steps. She opened the door and then stepped through the threshold, closing it behind her once Carl was inside.
The place was stunning. A nice, tiny modern home on the lake outlooking an old golf course. This must have been the nicest place Vada had seen in years. The interior had lots of blue as well — a baby blue sofa and dining room chairs. It was a dream.
She turned to Carl and scooped him into her arms. Together they made their way upstairs and she made her way toward the closest room. When she opened the door, she was faced with a plain, simple room with white walls and a basic bed frame. All other rooms looked the exact same. Finally, they happened to come upon the laundry room. She placed the boy down and bent down so that they were eye level.
"Alright buddy, I know you're super excited to explore your new home but you're gonna have to take a quick nap for now." Vada lifted his arms in the air and slipped off his shirt, then instructed him to take off the rest of his clothes while leaving the undergarments on. She took them swiftly and tossed them in the wash, using the detergent that was there waiting for her.
She then turned around, picked up Carl, and made her way toward the smallest room there was. She placed him in bed, tucked him under the sheets and then blocked all sunlight from the room so he could have a comfortable sleep. Wishing him a goodnight, she stepped out of the room and closed the door behind her, taking an elongated breath.
She exited into the hallway and went directly to the bathroom, stripping from her clothes and hopping in the shower. The water was warm and extremely soothing, seeming to ease out muscles that had been knotting up for who knows how long. She shampooed and conditioned her hair, then soaped up her skin and let the water pour over her body for another ten minutes before stepping out. She hadn't been that relaxed in a long time.
Wrapping a towel around her chest, she walked out the room and toward another, finding basic white shirts and jogging pants in the drawers. There were multiple of the same ones, for newcomers she assumed. She didn't bother to dry her wet hair and simply tied it in a bun.
She then made her way toward the stairs. Walking down them, she couldn't wait to get her aching feet off the ground and onto the blue sofa in the living room. Once she reached the bottom of the stairs, she stopped and turned. Negan.
He was there. The same Negan as always, salt and pepper beard, pink lips, beautiful eyes. The thing she missed most was his smile — but he wasn't smiling. Not at all. His look was somber. In his hands was a pile of folded, what looked to be little boys clothes, and he placed them down gently on the counter he stood beside.
"Sorry," he said. He cleared his throat. "I have a key to all the houses."
She interlocked her fingers, fumbling them together. She wanted to look down but couldn't seem to break eye contact.
"It's..." She said, trailing off as she was about to assure it was alright, she got distracted by the fact that he was really there in front of her after all those years. "Negan. I-"
She wanted to admit how badly she missed him, but quickly realized how vastly different their lives were now and she knew nothing about what was going on with him. For all she knew, he could have married again and had kids. Negan stood in silence. He wanted to hear what she had to say, but the words slipped her mind. She was in a trance.
"Vada I'm fucking sorry." Negan inched forward slowly, his hand outstretched slightly as he went to grab his hand to her wrist. "I am. I'll never be able to tell how fucking sorry I am for the way I left things."
"Then why?"
"I knew that you needed your family and I never wanted it to get to the point where you had to choose between us. You'd resent me if you lost your dad over me."
Vada's hands flew to her face as she let out a long, stressed moan. "Fuck, Negan." She turned around and pushed the tears that threatened to spill back in. Her arms crossed over her chest, she walked farther away while Negan followed on her trail.
"I get it. You moved on and probably fucking hate me for what I did, but I'm not here to get back what we had. I'm here so you don't resent me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you resented me."
"Moved on?" She furrowed her brow.
"Well, your kid." He nodded to the clothes he brought along with him. "I know you came with Vincent."
Vada couldn't help but smile. It was small, but still visible. "That's Carl. He's Vincent's son, not mine. Vincent's married."
Negan huffed and raised his head to the ceiling. "Well shit, I honestly thought that fucker knocked you up."
She shook her head and looked down, refusing to look him in the eye anymore. His presence was so heavy, such a weighted feeling on her that made her nerves go insane. She was excited, nervous, and angry all at the time. And the bit of love that had always been shoved to the back of her mind throughout the years that she had for the man was all rushing forward. Her emotions were spiralling into something unfamiliar. Without a second thought she flung herself forward and wrapped her arms around him, allowing the warmth of his body to bring her comfort. She noted that he smelled the same, and the way he wrapped his arms back around her made her sink into his body even more.
"I've never loved and hated somebody so much," said Vada. Negan's grip on her didn't falter. He was holding on as if he could loose her again at any instant. The wetness of his tee shirt from the tears that were starting to spill rubbed against her cheek. "You were right. I needed my dad. I needed my family. They helped me for a long time, but I don't have them anymore."
Negan was confused for a moment before realization sunk into his face. He shifted and cupped the back of her head, stroking her hair. "I'm sorry, sweetheart."
She didn't answer. Just stood in his arms in silence, accepting the loving nature he had towards her. Nobody could bring her to ease like him, even after five years of not seeing him. She fiddled with her fingers and then went to interlock them with his, to feel his hands for the first time in forever. In his left hand she smoothed over a metal piece on his ring finger.
"You're married?" She went to step back but Negan gripped onto her back so that she couldn't move any further. Her brow furrowed and she grabbed his hand, bringing the ring close up to her face.
"Damn, baby. I'm offended you don't remember what my ring looks like."
The same one she'd been shown the evening he was shot.
"You're wearing it still?" She asked. "But you broke up with me."
Negan grimaced and turned away, shifting his jaw back and forth. "Yeah, but it was never what I wanted. It was was good for you."
"We could have been together, you idiot." Her tone was becoming slightly more hostile.
"I wasn't thinking about us, I was thinking about you." His hand met her cheek gently and slid down to her shoulder. "You look so fucking beautiful, by the way."
She did what she needed to do. The urge was too strong in the moment, and all reasons to hate him faded to nothing. Her lips met his and latched onto him, his rough beard scratching against her soft skin. He accepted it easily, taking her in her arms and clearing all space they had between them. She worked her arms around his neck and savoured the taste of him, something she'd yearned for for years. "I've needed you for so fucking long," he muttered through the kiss, his hands sliding all around her back, stopping at her ass and taking it into his hands. She moaned through the kiss and they made their way over to the couch where Negan sat, legs sprawled, and Vada climbed on top of him so that her legs were on either side of his body.
"I missed you, Negan. I've never stopped."
He kissed her cheek, down her jawline and her collar bone, then looked up and into her eyes. "I never believed that if you let go of someone you love they'll come back eventually. Thought it was bullshit. Now I believe it. I can't believe you're fucking here right now. I could go make out with Vincent right now for bringing you back to me."
Vada giggled and shook her head, throwing her arms around his shoulder. "As charming as always."
"Always baby."
When Vada woke up that morning, she didn't have a clue she'd be where she was now. She couldn't be happier. Negan's touch was kind and giving, his hands roamed all around her body and it was so evident how deeply he cared for her through the way he felt on her skin. His taste and the way he felt against her body was incredibly euphoric, she allowed him to consume her. "Nega-"
The door slammed. "Goddamn, you two are already fucking at it! I was giving it at least a few days, but less than an hour?" Simon exclaimed, thumping into the home with a large basket of items in his arms. He set it down and huffed, arms on his waist. "Well now that's just pathetic, guys."
"Simon for the love of god get the fuck out of here," Negan said in a stern tone that made Vada's heart flutter. She grinned and rested into Negan's neck.
Soon after Simon another familiar face entered, with somebody by his side. Vincent ushered Judith toward us and she small girl hurried over to her sister. Vada had gotten off Negan and onto the couch at that point, and brought Judith in for a hug. Judith directed her gaze to the man beside her.
"Who are you?" She asked, her small brows furrowed.
Negan chuckled and balled his hands together, rubbing them in a circle. "I'm Negan."
"Negan." She hummed. "Interesting."
"I held you as a baby."
Confusion washed over the young girl's face. There was no way Judith would have any recollection of Negan. She was much too young. She looked to her sister for answers.
"Dad and Negan knew each other. Well, Negan and I knew each other a bit more."
She nodded and hummed, then ambled off in her own direction to get to know her new home. She seemed excited by the looks of it.
Negan got up and brushed the wrinkles off his shirt. Clearing his throat, he shuffled toward the door where Vincent stood, looking out of place. It was tense for a moment as he was still, not saying anything. Then Negan stuck out an amiable hand.
Vincent had no hesitation in taking it.
"I hope you can keep my son safe," Vincent spoke first. "With this community."
"We're all going to be around to watch your son grow up, trust me." He placed a hand on the other man's shoulder. "There's nowhere safer than here."
"Then I'll put my trust in you. And I promise I won't touch Vada. I have no interest."
Negan's lips were sealed for a few moments. It seemed as if he didn't want to speak, or couldn't bring himself to, but after a few more seconds he broke. "You don't have to assure me. I know you're a good man. You've helped keep somebody I love alive for years and I can't thank you enough."
Vincent gave a short nod and Negan swung around, hurry back toward Vada. He held his hand out and she took it, getting up from her seat and standing beside him. "Let's go for a walk."
"But Carl-"
"I'm here, Vada." Vincent rolled his eyes. Vada relaxed a bit and nodded her head, realizing he was right. Plus, she needed to be alone with Negan again. They had so much to talk about.
Negan wrapped his arm around Vada's waist and strolled out of the room as if he didn't have a care in the world. She locked her hand over his as they stepped down the porch.
"So, you're not married right?"
He scoffed and shook his head. "Hell no. After you there was no time for relationships. It's just survival now."
She nodded. "Just wanted to make sure — you know, you're prone to having multiple wives."
She didn't look at Negan but could see him rolling his eyes from her peripheral vision. "Vada, I was never the same person after being with you. And I mean that in the best way possible."
She looked down, a pink colour rushing to her face. Funny he could still make her blush. "You're the part of the man that I fell in love with." She smiled, linking her fingers with his. "We still have a lot we need to talk about and work through, Negan. I mean, it's been five years without each other."
"I know." His look turned somber and he scratched at his salt and pepper beard. "Let me take you to my place."
He placed his hand on her back and then led her down the street down road beside the blue water. The breeze was cool and pushed back his shagged hair nicely. She decided, in that moment, the universe was one hundred percent fucking with her. Taking things from her and giving them back like it was nothing. She hoped for smooth sailing only from that point on, because she wasn't sure she could take much more of it.
Negan's house was the most Negan thing she had seen in her life. Matte black, a maroon coloured door and porch. They climbed up the steps and he opened the door with the ornate handle, leading her into a nice smelling hallway. She kicked off her shoes and placed them by the door, following Negan into his household.
"Your place is beautiful."
He looked at her. His smile was so much softer than it used to be, as if every look and word he gave her mattered tremendously. "You know I've always had good taste." He took off his jacket and threw it over the leather chair. "That's why I chose you."
Negan showed her around the house, the kitchen and bathroom, the whole deal, and then led her to the stairs. The upstairs was just as nice as the first level. Negan's room was a matte black like the exterior of the house along with his bedsheets. It reminded her somewhat of his old room in Alexandria. His style hadn't changed much.
"This is nice, Negan."
"You like it?" his grin was wide. He leaned against the end of his bed, taking a look around his room.
"Yeah," she said, strolling around, sitting in his desk chair and looking over the stuff on his desk. He had a nice bookcase, even though she knew he didn't read much.
"Those books much be collecting tremendous dust." She giggled.
"You can borrow 'em, babe. I've read all of them already."
She narrowed her brow. "You read all of those? When?"
"Over the last few years. You got me into it."
She imagined her expression went soft, because a warmness overcame her chest. Her finger tapped at his smooth desk to attempt to ease her nerves. She moved her finger slightly, and tapped at something a bit softer. There was a record, beside it one of the old vintage record players. She almost looked away before noticing the face on the cover. It was the Chris Isaak album she once said she loved so much. She picked it up.
"You keep this here?"
"Yeah. The song reminds me of you."
She got up from where she sat and walked over to him. she made her way between his legs and placed her hand around the nape of his neck, gazing into his eyes. A deep brown that she could drown in for hours while he stared back at her. "You're amazing, Negan."
His hand met the middle of her back. "You're amazing."
"If I agree to start over with you..." she looked away, taking a deep breath, "please agree to never do what you did to me again. You can't leave me."
"Vada, leaving you was the biggest mistake I'd ever made. I look back now and I realize how much I could have helped you. I could have made it work, but I was a pussy back then, and I didn't feel like I had the ability to be enough for you, or worse take you family."
"It was hard thinking that you were just going to be a memory like everybody else rather than a part of my future like I always hoped for. I stopped ruining my life over it, Negan, but I never stopped wishing in the back of my mind that I could be with you."
His kiss was soft and tender, and he pulled back one last time. The love in his eyes shone through his hard exterior. "Vada, I promise you I'm making it my fucking life's mission to keep you and your friends safe. I'm going to make things okay between us. You and me are going to fucking be together, and I'm gonna make sure you're happy every day of your life in this shit world."
"That's a big promise."
"I make big things happen." He grinned, his white teeth complimenting his beautiful features. "And I sure as fuck don't make promises I can't keep."
She smiled and laughed. "Promise?"
He rolled his eyes. "Fuck. Promise, baby."
And he meant it.
She knew that for sure.