Tw: Mentions of suicide, mentions of self harm
Wednesday, September 15th, 2:43 PM
I walked alone. I walked through some old beat ally.
There was no one around. I was alone.
Why was I here? Why did I leave again?
I had no money. I had no phone. I had no other clothes. So why did I leave?
Everyone was back at the pool. They decided to have a nice day. And I decided to ruin it for them. I saw my chance and took it. I had no idea where I was going to go. Or why I felt the need to go.
Can I go back home? I should.
But I was too far now. I was in an unknown street. I didn't know my way back.
What do I do now?
There was no one around me. Other than trash and rats.
I saw the other end of the ally. Cars passed and passed. It must be a Main Street.
What was I doing here? Why did I leave? I had finally gotten along with both parents. But now. I left again.
Why do I do this?
"Heidi?" I turned quickly. I didn't know this voice.
I remember his face. He was the guy at the bar we went to with Jacob.
His grey hair with black tips on the ends.
"What are you doing here? Leave me alone." I turned around and continued to walk faster. I didn't want to encounter anyone. I could get hurt. I didn't want that.
"Heidi why are you here alone?" He yelled.
I didn't know what to answer. So I just didn't answer. I couldn't answer.
"We have Jacob." He yelled.
That's when I froze. Jacob? Why would they have Jacob? Did he voluntarily go? What was going on?
"He wants to see you. Come with us." He took out his hand. What if this was a trick? What if I'm just getting myself into more problems?
Was Jacob actually with them? What do I do?
"How did you know I was here?" I asked. I couldn't just go. I didn't know these people. I only met them once. They're dangerous people.
"We've been keeping track on you. Trying to find the opportunity to get you to Jacob." He sounded genuine. Maybe Jacob really was there.
"Is Jacob okay?" I started to walk towards him.
"Never been better. He's excited to see you. How long has it been?" I was at his side now. I kept my distance. Doesn't matter if he was telling the truth or not, I didn't want to be next to him.
I white van appeared in front of us at the end of the ally.
"A month. I haven't been able to see or talk to him. Has he said anything about me?" He started to slow down. I was slightly in front of him. I glanced back.
He took out a box of cigarettes, lighting one in his mouth.
"He said he missed you a lot. But who am I to tell you this? Go on he's in there." He talked with the cigarette in his mouth. Smoke coming out of his mouth.
Jacob was inside? In that van?
I turned and ran towards it. He was really in there. He had come to me. I was going to finally feel his embrace again. Even if it's for the last time.
I smiled. The door slowly creaked open.
I slowed down. My smile disappeared.
"No." I whispered. I was shaking in my shoes. It was getting hard to breathe. I couldn't hear a sound.
I tried to turn back and run.
But three men stood in my way. Kita, this big guy with long hair, and a really tall guy with blond hair.
I tried to look around for a solution. But I was trapped.
"Get in Heidi. You have no other choice." A man filled with tattoos pointed to guns at me. He stood on the doorway of the van. Jacob wasn't in there.
I should've known. I should've run when I had the chance.
"What do you want with me?" I gasped.
I was surrounded by men. What would they do to me? I didn't know these people. Were they going to hurt me?
"Don't worry hun. Nada más queremos hablar. Metete no? No queremos problemas, tampoco te queremos a ser daño. Tus padres no cumplieron entonces esto es lo qué pasa." A woman with short blond hair walked past the one with tattoos.
Translation: "We just want to talk. Get in won't you? We don't want problems, neither do we want to hurt you. Your parents didn't do what they promised, do these are the consequences."
She carried a gun on her shoulder.
"I have no idea what your talking about." I glanced all around me. I was panicking. They were going to take me. Why did I leave? God please help me.
I got gripped roughly on both arms. "We have nothing to explain." Kita said.
The tall guy with long hair held my other arm.
I tried to pull back with all my force. I kicked, I pushed, I tried biting. But nothing. I couldn't get out. I was going to die.
"Lev." The woman said.
Something covered my mouth. A harsh odor. Sour. I couldn't resist it. My eyes started to close. I was going to die.
Today was the day.
I lost consciousness.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heidi had said she didn't want to come down. Everyone was here. We were trying to enjoy ourselves. We hadn't had the chance to do that lately.
We were missing Oikawa. We were missing Tsukishima.
The first day y/n had came to this place. We were all here. We were all happy.
"Bokuto come here." Y/n was sitting on my lap. An arm around my neck.
"Yes?" He jumped out of the pool. He walked over to us. Completely drenched. Water dripping everywhere.
"Dry yourself a bit and go check on Heidi please. She didn't want to come, and I'm worried about her. She's been acting a little too normal." I was happy she was getting everything together herself. But the way she acted a month ago, she couldn't gotten over that this quickly.
"Alright." He pulled the towel from behind me.
Y/n took my sunglasses off my face.
"Everything about you just screams money. Why not humble yourself a bit? Your in your own house." She tried them on.
I laughed at her.
"Your talking about me? Yea. Totally. Why aren't you getting in the pool?" I took my sunglasses back.
"Because I don't want to get wet." I glanced at Kuroo. We were thinking the same thing.
I leaned in towards her ear.
"Come on. We could recreate old times when you despised me. Remember that?" I whispered.
I kissed her neck. She knew exactly what I was talking about.
"You wish. You were just being an asshole. This is why girls don't like you." She held on tightly to me.
"Girls do like me. Your just a man." I slid my hands under her legs, lifting her in my arms.
She realized what I was about to do. "Iwaizumi I swear if you do I'll kill you." She warned.
As if.
I started to walk towards the pool. She stared into me. Warning me not to do it. Did I care?
No not really.
Once she realized I wasn't going to stop she started to kick and push. But she was small compared to me. She couldn't make me let go.
"Iwaizumi!" She yelled.
I heard Kuroo laugh.
"Ready? One." I started to count.
"No!" She yelled.
"Two." I started to swing her in my arms.
"Three!" I swung her far.
She closed her eyes tightly. I laughed at her.
I put her down at the edge of the pool. "Your on land." I chuckled.
"Wow! I thought you were going to throw her in!" Atsumu yelled. She was facing the guys. Her back towards me.
"I would never do that." I whispered in her ear. My hand right behind her back.
The moment she turned towards me, I pushed her in.
Kuroo got out of the way as she fell.
I put my sunglasses back on.
She was still underwater. We all stared at her waiting for her to come back up.
We could see that she was shaking her arms around. As if trying to go up.
Everyone inside thought she was just joking.
But that's when I realized she wasn't. Bubbles were coming out from where she was.
"Oh shit." I swung my rob off and threw my glasses on the floor.
I dove in after her.
She was desperately trying to breathe. Her eyes were shut tightly.
I grabbed her stomach and swam upwards.
When I broke through the surface she gasped for air. Throwing water out of her mouth.
Atsumu and Kuroo laughed.
I pat her back as she coughed for air.
"The great Diabla can't swim!" Atsumu laughed loudly.
"She can't swim!?" Kuroo yelled.
She flipped them off. Trying to keep a float.
"You can't swim?" I whispered.
She kicked my leg.
"Get me out of here." She growled. I remember her being able to swim.
Now I understood why she didn't go farther than the five foot mark. I threw her across towards the edge.
She's lying. She can swim. She just wants us to feel bad for throwing her in here.
"Can she really not swim? I remember she could." Kuroo stared at her sink.
I swam towards her, waiting for her to come back up.
I stayed close around her. Ready to dive in if she was actually drowning.
Suddenly somebody pulled my down.
We both swam up.
"You fucking bitch. I told you I couldn't swim and you still threw me. What the fuck?" She splashed water on me. I stared at her as she was floating in the water.
"I knew you could swim." Kuroo chuckled.
She flipped him off. That seemed like all she could do now.
"You guys suck. Atsumu I'm killing you once I get out of here." The doors slammed open. Bokuto stood by the doorway out of breath.
We all swam towards him. He was gasping for air. Unable to talk.
"Hei- Heidi. She's. She's gone." He gasped.
Y/n and I stared at each other. I swam quickly to the edge of the pull sprinting towards Bokuto.
"Did she leave anything!? Where the hell did she go!?" I yelled.
"Iwaizumi calm down. She could just be with Terushima. Call him." She grabbed my hand.
"Kuroo bring me my phone." Where could she have gone? I knew something was up with her. I should've never let her alone when she said no.
Kuroo brought me my phone. "She's probably there. And if not we'll go there ourselves." Bokuto seemed so calm but I knew he was dying inside. Heidi was his little girl. Just like she was mine.
"What's going on?" Suna walked towards us.
"She's probably with that kid Jacob." I flinched. I hadn't realized Kenma was here.
"Heidi probably just went to go buy something. She wouldn't have gone back to a place she knew was dangerous. We've been telling her what could happen." Osamu watched over my shoulder.
I pressed on Terushima's contact. I guess Jacob didn't tell him what y/n did the day she tried to get to Jacob.
"Iwaizumi?"
"Terushima. Is Heidi with Jacob. And please don't lie to me because I will go to your house and find her." My heart was racing. My little girl is gone. If she isn't with Jacob who knows where she could be at.
"Hello?" This was Jacob.
"Is Heidi with you? Please tell me she's with you." Y/n squeezed my hand. She was at my sides she was supporting me. She was right here. Right here with me. Keeping me sane. Keeping me from breaking hell. She's keeping me the one who I am now.
"Heidi? What happened to Heidi? I'm heading over there right now." He hanged up. I stared at my phone.
My eyes flashed with memories of her face.
She wasn't with Jacob.
I was shaking.
"Iwaizumi?" I heard her voice.
"She's not with him. He's on his way." I whispered. She wasn't with him. Heidi wasn't with him. I had no idea where she could be.
"Call Suga. He might be able to help." Akaashi offered. I hadn't talked to Sugawara since the day I found out y/n was alive.
I passed Bokuto the phone.
"You do it." I wouldn't be able to talk to him.
I let go of y/n's hand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I felt lonely.
I went in for Catalina's hand.
She pulled back. A repulsive look on her face.
When we met eyes she sighed.
She took my hand in hers. "You caught me off guard." She chuckled.
"I'm sorry." I felt sad.
I had no idea why.
"I'll be right back okay? Stay in the car. Don't worry about me." She leaned in for a kiss. I leaned in.
She moved her head, kissing me on the cheek.
She let go of my hand.
Why was I sad? I had her by my side. So why did my heart ache every time I saw her?
She shut the door to the car.
I was alone.
I had nobody now. I was alone in the car.
I put a hand on my chest. Why did my heart hurt? Why did it feel like it was breaking? I was happy. I had someone who wasn't going to leave me alone. Someone who wasn't going to leave me.
Then why did I feel so lonely? Why was I here?
I stared at myself in the review mirror. My eyes were dull. My eye bags were almost black.
I couldn't recognize myself. What was I doing? Why was I here?
I didn't know who was staring back in the mirror. I didn't know that person.
I looked around. There was nothing. Nobody.
I was alone. Why was I alone?
Didn't I have friends? I remember I did.
What happened to them? Why wasn't I with them? What was I doing?
I should call them.
Why would I?
Catalina said I had her. And that she would give me all the love I needed. She said I didn't need them. They left me alone. I was like this because of them.
I was like this because of her. She did this to me. She was never going to choose me. I knew that. Yet I still stayed for her. I've felt like this before.
I remember clearly.
The day I wanted to end it all. For three years. I did nothing but hurt myself. For three years. I was really alone. With nobody.
But this time I had Catalina. That was all I needed. Friends don't leave each other alone.
I have nobody. Nobody at all.
But Catalina. She's here. She loves me. And I love her. No matter what she does I'll love her because she loves me.
The only thing that's keeping me back is y/n. I could be happy. Only if I take y/n out of my life. That's all I need to do.
I don't love her. I don't love her. I don't love her.
She left me alone. With nobody.
Nobody at all.
Nobody.
Nobody.
Nobody,
I had nobody.
Water fell on my hand.
It kept falling.
Why was I crying? I had her. She kept me from not staying alone. She was all I needed. Nobody else.
So why was I crying? Why was my heart aching? I didn't love her.
I had no reason to cry.
I wasn't alone.
So why do I feel alone?
Why doesn't nobody want me? Why is my life like this?
This all started when that bomb exploded.
I've been alone my entire life.
With nobody to understand me. Nobody at all.
Nobody could heal me. But she did.
But I didn't love her. I couldn't love her. Because she didn't love me.
I love Catalina.
That's who I love.
Because she's the only one who can love me.
The only one I love. Because she loves me back,
I don't love y/n.
I won't love y/n.
I can't love y/n.
I don't want to live like this.
I don't want to live at all like this.
I want to be happy.
But I am happy.
So why do I feel like this?
Why do I feel like I can't be happy? I am happy. Catalina wants me.
I'm happy with that.
That's all I asked for.
Yet I didn't feel happy at all.
Maybe the only way I'll find happiness is by dying. Leaving everyone who didn't love me. But I loved. I won't feel anything. They won't either.
If I killed myself, I wouldn't feel alone.
I wouldn't feel anything at all.
Nothing at all.
Nobody would care. Because I'm alone.
In this world, I'm alone.