A/N: Hey guys, the next chapter is here and early for once! Yay!
On a side note, I don't know if I'm ready for the season finale of the Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Shit's gonna go down, and I'm dying here. Welp.
Anyway, thank you so much for all of your support. I appreciate your comments and hope you're liking this story so far. More to come soon, enjoy!
- Harper E. Pierce
BRIAR:
I panicked the moment he said the words, I promise. I knew exactly what he remembered right then and there. The kiss, the confession, the promise. I thought I was done for. But more than anything, he kissed me. Bucky, after everything he'd gone through, kissed me. I was still in shock about it. But my question was why?
"My mistake, sorry," the guy from earlier, who I had completely forgotten about the second Bucky pressed his lips to mine, took off in a flash. Bucky dropped his hand from my cheek, and without a word, briskly walked back over to where he was sitting earlier. My whole body tingled and my mouth fell open. He just left. Nothing to say.
All of the feelings I had that I tried to push away for the last five or six months immediately resurfaced. He had no idea what he had just done to me. And I had no idea why. What did it mean? Did he- no, there was no way he liked me like that. Why would he like a fucked up, broken ex-assassin like me with no confidence and a chip on her shoulder?
"Oh my god," exclaimed Liz, gaping at what had just taken place, "what the hell just- oh fuck, I gotta go!" Liz took off outside the bar with her hand over her mouth. I quickly followed her outside, holding her hair back as she threw up in the gutter behind the bar. My mind was running at a million miles a minute. I checked my watch- it was only midnight. Usually, Liz and I would be out at the bar until it closed and then sleep until noon the next day, but based on the look on Liz's face and the droopy eyelids she had, I figured it would be best if left now.
"C'mon Liz, we gotta go," I took her by the waist, and began to pull her up. She instantly stood up, and stumbled from the quick movement.
"No! I wannnna stayyyy!" She slurred her speech.
"You're way too drunk hun," I replied, "c'mon, let's get you home," I held her arm around my shoulder as we walked. I'd text Bucky that we were leaving when I got in the car... frankly, I didn't feel like going in and explaining why we were leaving- nor talking to him at all after that. I got Liz into the backseat of the truck and grabbed a bucket for her to barf in just in case she needed it from the bed. Taking the keys from her purse, I got in the driver's side of the truck, knowing I was definitely sober enough to drive and turned on the engine.
I sat there for a moment, just trying to process everything that was going on. Bucky kissed me, for god knows what reason. I both prayed and dreaded that it meant something more to him than just getting that guy off my back- or let's face it, my ass. But what I dreaded more was if it meant nothing to him. That it was nothing more than a ploy- I knew it was partially a ploy to stop the guy; he full-on said he was my boyfriend. But the kiss never had to happen, and I'm pretty sure he knew that- so why did it?
What would I even say to him? He clearly remembered that moment from years ago, but it wasn't like I could bring that up without blowing my cover. If he brought it up, I had to think of something on the spot- unless he figured it out. Tennessee was the last place I wanted to have that conversation. If he ran, Fury would have my head served to the UN on a platter. If he didn't, that would make for one awkward twelve-hour car ride. But that wasn't as important as the right now- I'd cross the truth bridge when I came to it. I couldn't just not say anything about it to him- we fucking lived together, addressing it was important. Sighing, I looked in the backseat. Liz was passed out cold. I quickly sent Bucky a text and threw my phone in the centre console.
Bucky was quick to leave the bar. Within five minutes, he was opening the door and getting in the truck with me, completely silent. I put the truck in drive, and we began the journey home in the truck. You could cut the tension in the car with a knife as we drove. I watched Bucky shift uncomfortably in his seat out of the corner of my eye, but I used the drive as an excuse to be quiet. As the minutes passed at an unbelievably slow rate, the silence only became more unbearable.
"Briar," Bucky finally piped up. My heart was beating out of my chest as he began to speak, but I didn't look at him. Here came the awkward conversation, "are you okay?" Those were not the words I expected to come out of his mouth.
"Um, yeah. Fine, why?" I replied.
"Just 'cause that guy was-"
"Intense? Yeah," I cut him off and sighed. More silence filled the car. I would at least have felt better if Liz was snoring back there or something, but there wasn't a peep from her either.
"Look, about that kiss..." he trailed off, "you know it was just to get that guy off your back, right?" I knew it. It meant shit, "because I don't-"
"Yeah, I get it," I said that last sentence a little too harshly for my liking.
"Briar, are you sure you're-"
"Yeah, I'm fine!" For some reason, I was unable to soften my tone.
"You don't sound like it." He pushed. I huffed, and tried to think of what to say next.
"You just... you didn't have to kiss me, alright?" I grit my teeth through my sentence. Bucky shifted in his seat.
"I'm sorry if you didn't want me to-"
"No I didn't." I interrupted him again with the same brash tone. I could feel myself letting my emotions get the better of me.
"I swear it was just an act, Briar. I thought you were would be fine with it-"
"What makes you think I'd be fine with that?!" I snapped.
"Oh I don't know, you seemed okay with sticking your tongue down Owen's throat two weeks ago and blowing your first actual kiss on him!" He shot back. Oh he did not just go there. My blood was beginning to boil.
"That was completely different Bucky! And I did not blow my first kiss on him!" I shouted.
"Oh that's right, you've kissed tons of guys before him,"
"For work! I kissed Owen because I wanted to!"
"Just like you wanted to grind up against that other guy in the bar when you were out on the dance floor!" He spat back. I pulled into the driveway and got out of the car, slammed the door behind me, walking behind the truck to take a breather, but Bucky followed me out there. "I tried to save your ass back there,"
"I didn't ask you to!"
"Well I'm sorry I tried to be a friend and save you from the consequences of acting like a whore!" That was the breaking point. I couldn't control my anger anymore, and I sent my fist right to his jaw. Bucky stumbled back and cradled his jaw in pain, before flashing his blue orbs towards me. Hot tears stung my eyes as I watched him spit out the blood in his mouth.
"Fuck you, James!" My voice cracked as I went to the back seat, and took hold of a passed out Liz. I put her arm around my shoulder and held her hand there as I took her waist. I began angrily carrying her towards the house.
"Briar-"
"I SAID FUCK OFF!" I screamed at him as I stormed towards the house. I heard him yell a loud 'fuck' before I got in the house and slammed the door, thanking God the kids weren't home to see this.
I made my way through the dark house to Liz's bedroom, and laid her on her bed. I took off her boots, but left her clothes on from the bar before tucking her in for the night. Quietly, I made my way out of the room and shut the door, running a hand through my hair.
That last thing Bucky said stung. How dare he call me a whore when he knew I was a virgin! How dare he call me that when I had spent the last eighty years avoiding the touch of other men in hopes that one day, it would be him with his hands on me. It hurt more than anything he'd ever said to me before. That was one of the biggest fights we'd ever gotten into. I could only think of one that compared to it.
1938:
"You're a piece of shit, you know that?!" I was almost eighteen at the time. I was yelling at him after I found out about my good friend Delores catching him with some other doll at the movies after they had spent the last couple of weeks going out. She was hurt, and I understood why.
"I never told Dot we were exclusive, I don't know what you're getting so pissy about!" He shot back.
"You never said you weren't exclusive, Bucky! You could've told her you were seeing other people! You hurt her!"
"I thought it was assumed I was seeing other people!"
"God, you're such a fucking dick!" I threw a pillow at him from across the room.
"It's not my fault when you and your prudish friends start going after guys like me without knowing of the reputation we have!"
"Oh fuck you, you know I don't date!"
"Oh yeah, and why's that, Miss Holier than thou?!"
"Because I'd rather not waste my fucking time with some Lothario like you, James! I don't want to hang around guys who have nicknames like Bed 'em All Barnes!" I fumed. I knew he hated that nickname, especially when I used it. I knew he was more than that, and it was cruel of me to reduce him to that. His sudden look of hurt told me that as it flashed over his eyes. He stood up and began walking out of my room, moving past me.
"Then you don't have to," he muttered before storming out the door. I remembered the pit in my forming the moment he left.
Present Day:
I always called him James when I was mad at him. I remembered I knew how he felt that day. I couldn't have been more hurt than when he called me that, knowing the things I had to do for my job. And the moment I did do something for fun, I was just that. God, it stung. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him for the next while. I didn't want to be around him, nothing. I just wanted to cry- but I didn't want him to know he'd hurt me like that.
I went to the room we were sharing. He was there, and met my eyes the moment I walked in the door. His lip was busted open. But his expression wasn't angry- he looked more guilty than anything. I huffed and looked down at the floor as I quickly began gathering the blankets from the bed.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Going to the couch," I muttered.
"Briar, don't," he moved toward me and reach for my hand, "can we talk-"
"Don't fucking touch me!" I yelled. Immediately, he backed off, avoiding eye contact with me and ran a hand through his hair. I finished gathering the blankets and pillows, grabbed my pyjamas, and swiftly began heading out the door.
"I'm sorry-" I slammed the door behind me before he could finish. I could just use the other door in the bathroom we were sharing to brush my teeth and get ready for bed without seeing him for the rest of the night.
I quickly brushed my teeth and got ready for bed that night, leaving my clothes from the bar in the living room with me. I created my makeshift bed on the couch downstairs, knowing I likely wouldn't sleep well that night. As I lay down under the covers on the couch and stared at the ceiling, I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks and my breath hitching in my throat as I cried myself to sleep, replaying everything that happened that night in my head. I didn't know what hurt more, that after everything, he treated me like that, or that the kiss, the one that set off millions of fireworks in my stomach, the one that brought back every happy memory of us as kids, and made me realize how much I had fallen for him all over again, meant nothing to him.
-
"Hey Briar, wake up," My eyes fluttered open to see Liz in sunglasses sitting beside me.
"Morning," I groaned. God the first thing I wanted was a smoke, especially after the night I just had. Over the last week, quitting smoking had become both my strength and my vice; I was still grouchy as hell from the stress I suddenly was under for not quitting, but I had noticed my reflexes, which were already inhumanly fast, become faster. A cigarette would take the edge off- and I almost considered grabbing my last pack from my bag and box of matches, because not only would it be relaxing, but it would piss Bucky off even more. But I knew better than to break my word to him, even if I was pissed off at him.
"Any reason why you're on the couch at eight o'clock in the morning?" Liz asked.
"I forgot you were passed out in the backseat last night," I said as I sat up, "I don't know if you remember this, but Bucky kissed me last night."
"Wait I thought I dreamt that!" She exclaimed.
"It was just to get some creep off my back. Anyway, you threw up in the gutter behind the bar shortly after that and started to pass out, so I decided we should get home. Bucky and I got in a fight on the way back about that... thing on the way back. I couldn't sleep in the same room as him, so I took over the couch."
"How bad was the fight?" She asked, going to the coffee maker to pour me a cup.
"I said some things, he said some things... then I punched him and told him to go fuck himself," she handed me the cup of coffee. She cringed.
"That something must've been a pretty bad something then," she sat down with me, "and you have a long drive ahead of you,"
"Don't remind me," I muttered as I ran a hand through my hair, "this is the first fight we've gotten into since the forties,"
"If you've been living together for the last six months and this is the first fight you've gotten into, I'd say you two are doing pretty well for yourselves," she told me, "Mateo and I fought like cats and dogs when we first moved in together."
"I want a smoke so bad right now," I noticed my leg bouncing aggressively under the table.
"Go take a shower and I'll make you some cinnamon toast when you get out. Distract yourself for a bit. I'll wake up Bucky," She told me. I sighed, got off the couch and headed towards the bathroom. I was quick to shower and do my morning routine, because I knew I needed the extra time to pack up my things. When I peered into the bedroom, I saw that Bucky was gone, and I could get dressed in peace. I threw on a pair of leggings and a black tank top, and put my hair up in a ponytail. I put on a little bit of makeup quickly before putting everything in my bags, and leaving the room.
I went downstairs with my bags and put them by the door, avoiding eye contact with Bucky as I went straight to the front door. Clearly, Liz and Bucky were talking about last night, because silence fell in the room the moment I walked in.
"I'm gonna take a shower. Thanks for the food, Liz," Bucky brushed past me out of the room to go upstairs. I knew he'd be faster than me, but I'd still get enough time to eat breakfast. Liz put on some cinnamon toast for me as I went over to the kitchen. I got another mug and filled another cup of coffee before going and sitting at the bar.
"He feels really bad, you know," she told me.
"He should," I muttered.
"I get you're still pissed off at him, but I suggest you guys talk in the car. It's gonna make for an awkward and really long car ride if you're just ignoring him." She handed me the pieces of cinnamon toast.
"I'll have my thoughts and my music to keep me occupied." She sighed and rolled her eyes.
"At least hear him out eventually." I ate the rest of my breakfast and drank my coffee in silence. I was right about Bucky being quick, as within fifteen minutes, his things were downstairs, and we were putting on our jackets to head back to DC. Bucky began loading everything into the car as I said goodbye to Liz. I was a little sad that I couldn't wave off Annabeth and Michael, but I knew I'd see them again soon. Both Bucky and I said goodbye to them before they left the previous night.
"I hate saying goodbye," I told her.
"How long will it be until you come back down here?" Liz pressed, "the kids miss you when you're not around,"
"I don't know- you know how work is," I sighed and pulled my great-niece into a hug.
"Let me know if you ever need anything," she muttered in my ear.
"Call me if you need me, Liz," I pulled back from the hug to let Bucky get the chance to say goodbye to her.
"It was great meeting you, Bucky. Don't be a stranger," Liz pulled Bucky into a hug.
"I wouldn't dream of it," he replied, "and it was great meeting you too." He pulled back from the hug.
"Safe travels, guys!" She waved us off as we got into the car with everything we needed for the long drive ahead. I knew it was going to be awkward, but frankly, I didn't care. I was still hurt by what he said last night, and if it meant I was going to ignore him unless it was absolutely necessary for the next twelve hours, so be it.
It seemed Bucky knew that, as he just sat in silence with me for the first hour and a half of the drive. The tension in the car was palpable, as I didn't once look over at him, but tension I could handle. But at that point, he asked what the plan was for the next day.
"We're going into the office. I have to give in my report from the last ten days," the bleakness in my voice was apparent. He remained silent for a minute.
"Are you going to say anything about-"
"No." I harshly cut him off. After that moment, it was only the odd time we had to stop for food, gas and bathrooms that we spoke. Sure, it made the car ride long, but the tension in the car and the thoughts in my head certainly didn't make it boring.
It was almost ten at night when we got back to DC. In silence,we hauled everything upstairs back into the apartment. It was good to be home. I went straight to my room and shut the door, leaving Bucky to his own devices in the apartment. I didn't much care what he did, so long as I didn't see him. He'd probably try and get some sleep tonight- at least one of us would. Frankly, I couldn't. Thoughts of what happened twenty-four hours prior were invasive, uneasy to shake as I wrote down all the amazing things that happened during the ten days in the report. I'd have to be up early, but my internal clock wouldn't be a problem for that, even if I was writing it into the early hours of the morning.
Since the incident over two weeks ago now, Fury surely had been taking an in-depth look at my files, even after my evaluation to make sure I was still in my right state of mind to be continuing this mission. If I didn't pass his standards, or if my therapist said anything about any recent changes to my more optimal state, I'd lose the mission.
I looked at the clock after my report was finished- three. I wasn't even tired, my relentless thoughts wouldn't stop with that kiss. That stupid, unwarranted, unparalleled kiss. I thought I could push away my feelings for him- let him heal, help him, be a friend. But that kiss had proven I couldn't- that fight had proven I couldn't. I let the pain of rejection get to me and lost control of my emotions. Maybe losing this mission wasn't such a bad idea. I could forget about him and fix my own issues- lord knows I had them.
Sleep didn't really come to me that night. I tossed and turned for the three hours of sleep I needed to function the next day- not only that but not having cigarettes for the last week had been a killer for the stress. If I could have one, it would take the edge off at least the cravings- then I remembered the fire. I saw what caused it when I went into the burning house to rescue those kids- a box of matches next to a pack of cigarettes the neighbour's two kids stole. It could've happened to the barn. When I thought about that, the cravings subsided. Mild trauma was a good motivator to quit.
Six in the morning came, I decided to not waste my time trying to get the extra hour of sleep I knew wouldn't come to me, and decided to get ready for the day. I showered, threw on my normal black leggings and whatever dark coloured tank top, and put my long hair up in a ponytail again. I lightly did my makeup, and went out to the kitchen to make breakfast. It was dark in the apartment, despite the big windows- the outdoors was always cold and dark in the beginning of December. I didn't bother turning on the lights- I didn't want to give Bucky the indication that I was awake. He'd be up soon anyway.
I decided to go out on the balcony to eat today, despite the cold weather. Spending the last seventy years going back and forth between cryofreeze and missions made me quite accustomed to the chilly weather. I avoided thinking about Bucky- risking frostbite helped with that. I thought more about what I was going to say to Nat after my meetings with Fury. What the hell would I tell her?
The next thing I knew, it was eight o'clock, and if we didn't leave now, we were going to be late. I looked behind me and saw that Bucky was just putting away his dishes in the kitchen. I went back inside, avoiding eye contact with him entirely, and silently put my dishes away.
"Briar-" I slammed the dishwasher closed to interrupt, and walked towards the front door to get my boots and coat. He sighed, and shook his head, following me out to the car. The drive to the office, although much shorter, was once again silent. I was still in no mood to talk to him about what happened. That comment he made still hurt- the sad part was it hurt for reasons he'd never know, regardless of whether I was mad at him or not. We went straight to Fury when we got to the office. There, Bucky would be assigned to an agent for the day and have his weekly therapy session, and I could get on with my meetings.
"Agent Baker," Fury said, "long time no see." I nodded to acknowledge him back. Natasha and Steve were both in the meeting room. I assumed one of them would take Bucky for the day, while the other stayed in meetings with me until Agent Carter walked into the room, "Barnes, you're going to be with Agent Carter for the first half of the day. Then with Steve for the second half," he told him. Bucky nodded, and Sharon took him out of the room, shutting the door behind her.
"How was the trip?" Steve asked as I sat down at the table.
"Fine," I replied, "he got along great with my family."
"No incidents?" Nat asked.
"None, he was perfectly fine. It's all in the report," I slid the report across the table to Fury, hoping my white lie would go unnoticed.
"She was talking about you, Baker," as Fury clarified the question I looked him right in the eyes. Why were they asking about me?
"I was fine, why do you ask?" Fury sighed when I asked him.
"I've been talking to your therapist some more over the last week and a half. Been talking to Nat and Steve here too, and as well as evaluating your performance on this mission." he began. Shit, I knew I'd be in trouble here, "As much as I am happy with your progress with Barnes, I am concerned about a couple of sessions you skipped before your last one. Want to explain that, Baker?"
"Didn't feel like I needed them," I shrugged.
"Therapy is mandatory in your contract with SHIELD, Baker, regardless of whether you 'feel like it' or not," Fury's tone got harsher, "but what I've really been concerned about over the last few weeks is your lack of transparency with your mental health,"
"I'm doing fine-"
"Maddie, we're seeing you fall back into old patterns we're not liking," Steve pointed out, "as much as Bucky is improving tremendously, and we appreciate all of the work you're putting in, your normal temperament has worsened again. This mission is draining you,"
"Your progress since you came back three years ago has started recently reversing. You're not taking care of yourself," added Natasha.
"I don't need to, I'm doing fine," I excused.
"I'm pulling you from this mission-"
"What?" I cut him off, "Fury, you can't do that, we'd lose ninety percent of our progress if you replace me!"
"You're not in the right state of mind to be doing this mission twenty-four-seven anymore," Steve argued.
"Then let him start going out on his own, he's doing well enough to!" I shot back.
"That's not your call, Maddie," Natasha stopped me, "we can't have you doing this mission when you're suicidal,"
"Those feelings don't exactly just go away, Nat. They come and go, no matter the time! I just have to deal with them!"
"And they return much more when you're in high-stress environments!" Fury argued. He huffed, "you didn't let me finish earlier. I'm pulling you from this mission unless you can agree to new terms,"
"What new terms?" I folded my arms and cocked a brow at the man pacing the room.
"This apartment arrangement isn't working anymore. We need you both to move to Avengers Tower-"
"No-"
"So that someone- can keep an eye on you, while you help continue to help him," he spoke over me, "I think it's time you become an Avenger, Briar."
"What about him?"
"He still has recovery to do," Steve answered, "look, if you choose this, you'll still be the first person we go to if something goes wrong, and you'll still be able to help him. It's just that when you need it, you'll get a break, and one of us can take over,"
"And you'll be able to do field missions again," Natasha added, "he'll have to wait until we've determined based on your reports that he's ready to go out into the field. But until then, he can still help us from the ground if we teach him,"
"You'll have your own bedroom and share a bathroom with Nat. You'll both be on the same floor," Steve added.
"And if I don't join the Avengers?" I turned my attention back to Fury.
"You'll lose the mission, and return to your old duties. You'll keep your apartment, but you'll live alone again. Barnes will go to New York and likely be placed with Steve," he told me, "the choice is yours, and I want an answer by the end of today. We want to get Barnes out as quickly as possible. Dismissed," Fury quickly left the room after that, to avoid the outburst he knew was coming from me.
"This is fucking ridiculous," I grumbled, "I'm doing fine! I don't understand why I need to transfer to keep this mission!"
"The fact that you're denying that you're not okay is exactly why," Natasha observed, "you told Bucky that it was okay if he shot you two weeks ago. That's not fine,"
"Why are you so against joining the Avengers anyway, Maddie?" Steve asked.
"I like my space," I muttered, "and besides, if I join now, Fury's left me stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I stay in DC, I lose Bucky. And if I go to New York, all of you, except him, know my real name and age, my life story and all of the possible other shit Steve's probably told them about me!"
"Then why don't you just tell him-?"
"Not an option." I interrupted Nat.
"Why?" Steve asked.
"Because it's just not!" I snapped. Frankly, other than being insecure, there was no reason that I was thinking of for keeping it from him. Why would he want to know me, his former best friend, to be the same person as the girl who murdered hundreds?
But then I thought about it for a second. He knew me, Briar Baker, the Red Rogue, the murderer of hundreds, and still he looked at me the same way as when he didn't know. He still was my best friend, despite all the shit I did. Yet still, I didn't want him knowing it was me. Why? Was there something missing? When I thought about that day at the military base, all I could feel was a sense of shame and insecurity, as if getting captured was my fault. But I couldn't quite figure out why.
"I need to train, I haven't in over a week," I replied, getting up from the table and heading towards the gym. Surprisingly, it was empty. Not a treadmill, weight set or even the dance studio was in use. Which was what made me gravitate towards it.
I rarely danced anymore. Dance cleared my head. Some people punched a punching bag, which was what Steve did. Others used puzzles, or whatever the fuck normal people did. I danced- it brought me home, when I was a kid, doing ballet classes. I went to my locker in the gym and was quite happy to see my pointe shoes still there with a set of gym clothes. I changed into the sports bra and spandex shorts in the locker, and put on the ballet slippers, and went out into the studio with my phone.
Once my ballet playlist began, I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, taking a moment to just feel alone in the world. Softly, I began to move to the sound of a soft piano melody. My feet felt lighter than air, as pressed onto the tips of my toes, spinning in moments when it just felt right to. Pirouettes were my favourite- I was a turner, meaning my footwork was almost always clean. I remember my ballet teacher always complaining about my arms though- when I was little she complained my arms were so limp I looked like a fish out of water. She told me "graceful, not stiff or limp, but light."
At first, the music was mostly piano. But as I got into the dance, a song came on that for some reason made me think of my current- Issues. I began to think of that kiss as I moved to the sound of the music. The kicks, the turns, the jetes- my own hands on my waist, in my hair, almost mimicking his hands from that moment. Feeling the pushes and pulls of the freestyle ballet dance brought me back to that bar. It could've been the quick movements I was making, but my heart beat fast. I could see it as I closed my eyes. My breath became heavy as the song came to an end.
"You're a beautiful dancer," my eyes shot open to see Bucky standing in the doorway of the studio, with his arms folded into his chest. Fuck. Clearly, I wasn't quick enough to cover up the embarrassment on my face, "sorry, I didn't mean to intrude."
"What are you doing here?" I grumbled as I replaced my embarrassment with anger. I quickly whipped around to go get water from the back of the room.
"So you do talk," he muttered, "I just heard the music and wondered where it was coming from." I rolled my eyes at him as I took a swig of water, "Briar, can we-"
"Bucky, ready to go meet with Fury?" Sharon cut him off as she walked near the door, "Oh, hey Briar. Sorry to bug you,"
"Hey Sharon, it's no problem. I was just heading out anyway," I walked out with my stuff, making sure to avoid eye contact with Bucky once again as I left and went back to the changerooms.
Even after my dance session, I still didn't have a totally clear idea of what I wanted. I was certainly upset with Bucky right now- I couldn't even say I was mad anymore. If anything, I was more hurt by that kiss meaning nothing to him. By him calling me that name. But that didn't mean I was ready to just give up on him. Friends fought, that was inevitable- but were we even friends at this point?
This was probably what Fury was talking about. Nat, Steve and even Fury were watching me get worked up over nothing. I was like that when I first came back. Except it wasn't nothing- I just couldn't tell Fury, and maybe even Steve about it.
Maybe moving in with the Avengers was the better option. I could take breaks when I needed it. I could become a field agent again. The facilities were better, and we wouldn't have to leave the apartment once a week to drive forty-five minutes out of DC to get to an office. Fury, Steve and Nat wouldn't have to commute four hours anymore to keep tabs on us. I'd have someone to help me always around, while still being able to continue my assignment.
But what would I do about the other Avengers? I didn't know Tony Stark or Bruce Banner very well, and I had never once met Thor. Clint and I knew each other from past missions, but it was when I was still extremely unstable and he tried to parent me more than anything. He'd understand my situation, but I didn't know if I could trust the others to keep their mouths shut around Bucky, and call me Briar. Especially not Tony. That guy was a wild card- if I pissed him off, I questioned whether or not he'd blow my cover. I knew Bruce well enough to know he was too kind for that, and Thor probably barely knew who I was- nor would he likely be there.
"Thinking too much again?" Nat caught my attention.
"I'm still trying to decide on what to do," I muttered.
"You seem to care a lot about him," she pointed out, "why would you want to give that up?"
"Things have gotten complicated," I replied, "I'm letting my feelings get in the way of my work,"
"Which is why I suggested to Fury you join,"
"This was your idea?"
"I'll admit, part of it was prompted by being the only female in that whole place, but I'm not going to lie, what you said to us all that night scared us. I want to be able to keep an eye on you when you need it, Maddie,"
"Even Steve's got you calling me that name now," I chuckled, "I remember when you were my assigned- I guess 'mentor' would be the best word to use,"
"Trust me, you frustrated me too, as he frustrates you when he's quiet. You were one of my most difficult missions, but watching you break out of your shell and become the person you are today has been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done in my life. Not only because I know I can actually help someone, but because you became my best friend from it," she stated, "you know I'd do anything for you, right?"
"Me too," I smiled at her, "I think I know what I want to do now,"
"You'll have tonight to pack your clothes and personal stuff. SHIELD will take care of the rest," she told me, "go tell Fury. He'll want to hear the news." I finished getting all of my stuff from my locker, knowing it would be the last time I came to the secret concrete office in DC and went upstairs to let Fury know of my decision. He was surprised I agreed to join the Avengers. Not in a bad way, but he was certainly happy I was coming out of my shell and going with the Avengers.
He let Bucky and I go back to the apartment early since we'd only have tonight and some of tomorrow to pack. SHIELD provided the boxes to put stuff in so that the staff moving everything could easily put things in the van after we would leave for the Tower the next morning. When we got home, I quickly picked out the oversized band t-shirt I would wear to bed that night, and threw it on, tying it at my waist so that I didn't have to bother changing later on.
Even after our encounter in the dance studio, I was still giving Bucky the silent treatment at home. I mean, it was easy to, I started by packing up my bedroom, for the most part with the door shut, and he was doing the same thing in his room. Despite the fight we had, my silence was more because I didn't know what to say. I had to bring up the kiss, even though I didn't want to. But what would I say to him about it? I didn't want to tell him how I felt, because that would just make things awkward- and I would be breaking the rules of the mission. But what reason would I give for being so upset about it? In truth, I understood why he did it. I hated to admit it, but I likely would've done the same thing if I were him.
As we got into the later hours of the night and finished everything in our rooms but the bedding, we moved on to the living room and kitchen and worked in silence. I tried thinking more and more about what I was going to say. The part of me that still felt hurt by the fight didn't want to bother with him, but the logical part of me wanted to settle this like the adults we were. I'd look over at him from across the room from time to time, tempted to start the conversation. Every time I looked, my mind stopped working and I was put back in the honky-tonk bar. And when that happened, I suddenly couldn't find the right words again, and I hated myself for it. I hated how I was a tough bitch in my everyday life; a woman who inspired my little niece and nephew to be brave and strong, but when it came to him I was a weak-at-the-knees little girl all over again. Especially when every once in a while, I'd feel his eyes on me as we taped up the boxes as if he wanted to say something.
I felt like that again later that night, when I was trying to reach some of the spices on the higher cupboards. Usually, I'd just ask Bucky to get them for me, since being six feet tall, he could do it with ease, but my pride decided that today was not the day I give in and be the first one to talk. I was five-six, I wasn't even short- this would be the day I decided I wasn't too short for those fucking cupboards. I began reaching up there, and standing on my toes, not even coming close to the top shelf. I jumped up, only grazing the top shelf with my fingers, quietly huffing at the failed attempt. Suddenly, I heard a snicker behind me and whipped my head over to Bucky to shoot him a death glare.
"You know, if you need help, you could ask," he folded his arms into his chest. I narrowed my eyes at him and went back to my attempts to gather the items from the top shelves. The small chuckle I heard from him made my blood boil. I refused to let him win, I was going to get those spices. I went to the other side of the breakfast bar and grabbed one of the spinning bar stools to stand on. I knew I could get hurt if I wasn't careful, but I didn't care. I placed it in front of the stove and began climbing up on it. The next thing I knew, as I stood on the chair and met at eye-level with what I needed, a silver hand began taking the spices down from the shelf. I rolled my eyes and went to grab what I needed- until the chair beneath me started wobbling, and I began to lose my balance. Bucky quickly grabbed the chair and placed a hand on the small of my back to stabilize me. "Careful, doll."
"I'm not your 'doll'," I muttered as I got off the chair.
"You know, you could've asked me for help instead of acting like a damn child," He huffed as he finished gathering everything and putting it in the box on the counter.
"You know what? Fuck off, Barnes! I have nothing to say to you!" I spat, as I began to walk away from him towards the balcony for a cool off.
"Clearly, you've been ignoring me for the last two days!" He snapped, before taking a breath, "I get it if you don't want to talk to me right now, but can you at least just listen?" I stopped in my tracks, thinking about it for a moment. I did eventually want to talk to him. Maybe I was being harsh. I turned around and folded my arms at my chest as if to tell him to get on with it.
"I am so, so sorry for what I said to you the other night. I never should've called you that, I don't even know why I called you that and it was stupid of me to say it in the first place, no matter how mad I was." Bucky's apology sounded genuine, but there was so much more I was upset about. "But I'm not sorry for defending you that night. I'm not going to sit idly by and watch any woman get groped by some prick and not do something about it."
"As much as I admire your values, Bucky, you didn't have to go about it the way you did!" I shouted, noticing myself step closer to him.
"I don't know how else I can say this, but I swear to you Briar, that kiss meant nothing to me. I was just trying to help-"
"You don't fucking get it, do you?" I was fighting tears as I stepped closer to him. The more he said it meant nothing to him, the worse my pain became, and the more my anger bubbled up in my chest. "That kiss meant nothing to you. I get that. It was probably the four millionth kiss you've had, so of course, it would mean nothing to you. But did it ever cross your mind that maybe, just maybe, it would mean something to me? No, of course it fucking didn't, because I blew my first kiss on Owen, right?" Bucky's expression suddenly took on one of subtle shock. I wouldn't have noticed the change had I not been inches from his face. At first, I wondered why that was the first reaction I got from him, but then it dawned on me- Fuck, I let it slip.
"Did it?" His voice was barely above a whisper. Those stormy ocean blue orbs bore right into my soul when he asked me those two words. Now I was at a loss for words. It was only now that I noticed the tension, building up the more we fought. Our faces were only inches apart. My eyes flickered to his lips. That moment came back to me again. I bit my lip as I looked him in the eyes again, trying to think of something to say.
"I... I need a shower." Immediately, I turned around and briskly walked towards the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Immediately, I let out the shaky breath I had been holding in the whole time I was in that position with Bucky. I looked in the mirror- my cheeks were flushed, I felt hot, and my breathing was unsteady. My heart raced.
This was the problem with this mission. I already had feelings for him. From the beginning, I loved him. I didn't know how, but over the last six months, I had fallen more in love with him than I thought I ever could, and the worst part was I couldn't do a thing about it. I couldn't run away from it. My job was to help him. Be a friend. Be a mentor. A shoulder to cry on. Whatever he needed when he needed it, I had to be it for him. The more I stared in that mirror, the more desperate I felt for a solution. How could I continue to push away my feelings for him and still do my job right? I took a deep breath in and pulled myself away from the mirror, turning on the shower.
I took my long hair out of the sleek ponytail it was in, and let it fall into messy waves at my sides. I ran a stressed hand through it as if to work out the knots. I slipped off my pants and bra, and undid the knot of my t-shirt, letting it fall to its natural length, which just covered my butt. I began to take my makeup off. It was as if I was wiping off the mask I wore around him. When I was alone, I didn't have to hide my feelings. I could acknowledge what I felt out there- something I never felt before for anyone but him. And I never realized how bad I felt it until the moment I stood in front of him, speechless. Angry. Hurt. But my heart ached for him. I longed for his touch. To feel his lips on mine again.
Suddenly, the softest knock on the bathroom door stopped my train of thought. I didn't know what he could want now. To say he left something in there when he was packing maybe? Couldn't it wait until after I finished my shower? I ripped the bathroom door open with the intent to tell him to go away, but for some reason, the look in his eyes stopped me.
"Briar-" he faltered right as he began as if he forgot what he was going to say. He ran a hand through his hair, and almost stepped back from the door. His shoulders were tensed as if something daunting was on his mind. "Oh, fuck it." His lips suddenly crashed onto mine, as if he was thinking the same thing I was not two minutes ago. Fireworks exploded in my stomach again, just like the moment he pressed his lips to mine in the bar. My hand moved to the base of his neck to pull him closer. He shut the bathroom door behind him, never once breaking the kiss.
He roughly pressed me up against the bathroom door and hoisted my legs up to wrap around his waist. He moved from my lips to begin trailing soft kisses down my jawline and neck. A low moan escaped my lips suddenly, and he stopped, lowering me down to the floor again. He stared me in the eyes, his heavy yet quiet breathing matching mine. Softly, he moved my hair from my face and tucked it behind my ear.
"You never answered my question," he whispered, his hand slowly trailing down my neck and to my waist. Every touch was like fire, burning my insides as his hands moved up and down my body. He leaned into my ear, lightly nibbling at it as he kept my body pinned against the door with his own. "Tell me, doll." My heart pounded against the walls of my chest as his hands trailed my waist and stomach. That nickname made me weak at the knees.
"Yes..." I breathed out, meeting his eyes again as I played with the bottom of his t-shirt, and beginning to move it up his torso. He guided my hands up his torso until the shirt was off. He looked down at me and kissed me again, letting his tongue graze my bottom lip for access to deepen the kiss. He began to slide his hands underneath my shirt, but he never dared take his hands any further than my waist. I wanted more. I took his metal hand and began to guide it further up my shirt, but he stopped and looked at me, this time, replacing his look of pure hunger with concern.
"You're a virgin, doll. I don't want to take that away from you. I know how much this means to you," he mumbled. I cupped his cheek and forced his eyes to mine.
"Bucky," I purred, "it's okay." I kissed near his ear before whispering, "I want you." I continued to guide his hand up my shirt to my breast, "touch me." He pulled the t-shirt over my head, leaving me standing there in nothing but my underwear. I felt vulnerable, exposed but Bucky was quick to replace that feeling when he softly pressed his lips to mine again.
"God, you're gorgeous," he kissed and nipped at my neck, leaving small, yet noticeable purple marks behind. I let out another, louder moan at the sensation moving down my chest and stomach, feeling the heat between us build up as he teased me. But a flash of self-consciousness overtook me when his lips were near the tattoo at my lower abdomen, right near my underwear line. I tensed and moved my hand to cover the tattoo, but he stopped again to glare up at me, evidently noticing my look of shame. "Don't cover up, doll. Those scars make you even more beautiful." He softly kissed the scar directly, and the red star beside it. He shot me an innocent glare, before suddenly ripping off the underwear I was wearing with a smirk.
I gasped. Bucky quickly moved back up to meet my eyes again, kissing me roughly, yet still passionately. It was only then I noticed that the rest of his clothes were gone- I guessed I was paying more attention to the sensations his mouth left all over my body. He suddenly hoisted me up again so that I wrapped my legs around his waist, carrying me towards the warm shower that I originally planned on having alone that night.