[a/n] it was hard to find a song for this haha, thank yu all for reading etc :)
Josh woke up with a headache and a rumbling stomach. When he checked his phone, he saw it was 3 AM and realized no one had woken him for dinner, which was probably for the better. Quietly, Josh got away from under his sheets, accidentally waking his cat, which was laying at the foot of the bed.
“sorry.” Josh whispered.
He walked downstairs, trying not to wake anyone. After quickly drinking a glass of water, Josh went on the hunt for some food. After three minutes Josh figured that he wouldn’t find much, except for some food that just didn’t really appeal to Josh at three in the morning. Josh walked over to the couch and sat down with another glass of water, when he heard the toilet flush upstairs. He walked to the stairwell, and whispered to the person upstairs/
“Dad?”
“Josh? What’s wrong, why are you up?” He heard is mom reply.
“Oh, mom, even better. Do we maybe have anything to eat?” He heard his mom come downstairs. “Sorry if I woke you.”
“Don’t worry, you didn’t. and even if you did it’d be fine. I can make you some mac and cheese?”
Josh decided that even though it was very early –or very late- mac and cheese is always good. “that’d be nice, mom.”
He followed his mother into the kitchen and soon felt kind of guilty for keeping her awake to make him dinner.
“wait, mom, don’t worry. I got this, I’ll make myself some. We have microwaveable ones too, right?” Josh offered, walking over to the cupboard and pulling out a package.
“sure?”
Josh nodded. “You should go back to bed, love you mom.”
“thanks, Joshua. I love you too. Don’t stay up for too long, alright?”
-
The next time Josh woke up, it was nine in the morning. A bit of light was shining past Josh’s curtain. He stretched himself out, nearly pulling a muscle in his neck. His family was either at work or school, so Josh had the house all to himself.
“Guess I’ll be playing the drums later today then, right Hikaru?”
The cat meowed in response, crossing Josh’s chest to get to his face. Josh pressed a kiss against his cat and then pulled the duvet up to his chin. Josh wondered if people at school missed him. It wasn’t very likely that they did, but maybe there was someone wondering why he wasn’t there. He hadn’t told anyone, he figured his friends –or ex-friends- would no longer care about him and there wasn’t really anyone else to tell it to. Angie didn’t go to his school nor his church, so he didn’t think anyone knew.
Josh grabbed his phone and played crossy road until he had to get up because he had to pee, which was nearly an hour later. Accompanied by his cat, he made himself some breakfast and drank some tea, then went back to his attic. He walked to his drum kit in the opposite corner of his bed and sat down on the stool. This felt right.
Josh put all his energy in zealous beats and ponderous solos, and nothing could’ve felt any better. For a minute, Josh forgot about everything. Forgot about Angie’s death, forgot about the ‘friends’ who no longer wanted him as a friend, forgot about the pain the crying had caused in his lungs. For a minute, Josh didn’t feel.
It was when his hands started to burn and his head started to feel dizzy, that Josh decided to slow down. Sadly, slowing down also meant the return of feelings, but maybe it was good to feel. He went to sit on his bed, missing the presence of his cat, who had fled as soon as he saw Josh taking his drumsticks in his hands.
Josh took some sips of water from the bottle on his night stand, then checked his phone.
[two unread texts]
[Mr. Bennett] Valerie and Joshua, me and Diana want you both to know that if you want to visit and go to Angie’s room or anything, you’re welcome. Thank you both for being there yesterday
[Valerie Simpson] Josh did Angie’s dad text you too?
[to: Valerie Simpson] Yeah, just read it. I’m glad he offered.
[Valerie Simpson] I was pondering whether I wanted to go.. I want to but maybe it’s too soon you know.
[to: Valerie Simpson] we could go together? Maybe it’ll be good. If I keep putting this off I’ll probably never do it :(
[Valerie Simpson] true. are you up for it this afternoon?
[to: Valerie Simpson] I’m free. Shall I pick you up in abt an hour?
[Valerie Simpson] that’d be nice :) Hampshire Ave 7466
Josh took a quick shower, texted his mom and ate some bread before leaving to go to Valerie. He knew she had texted Angie’s dad to tell them they were coming, as she’d promised him to do so. Luckily, Josh’s mom took the train to work. In case Josh would need the car, probably.
It was when he was on his way that he realized what they were going to do. Was this going to be painful? Was it going to be good? Was it actually a good decision to do this already?
“can’t back out now, Josh.” He told himself before turning on the radio. His mom always had it on the same channel, and Josh always switched it to his favorite channel. He was at Valerie’s house before he knew it. She seemed to have been waiting, since she stepped out the door as soon as Josh stopped his car. He opened the door for her, and she sat next to him in the passenger’s seat. She wasn’t wearing any make-up and Josh thought she hadn’t slept so well.
“Hey, thanks for picking me up and well, doing this together, I guess.” Valerie said.
“No problem, also thank you, Val. How’re you doing?”
“Meh. Haven’t slept so great, as you can probably tell. I’ve been better, but I’ll be okay. How about you?”
“I slept quite well, but I’m still quite exhausted. I guess it’s a side-effect maybe.”
They both remained quiet for the rest of the ride, aside from soft humming along to the songs on the radio. The silence wasn’t awkward, it was just… there.
-
Valerie and Josh entered Angie’s room together, and Josh’s mind was quickly flooded with memories. He and Angie had played videogames here, had talked about life here, had confessed their love for each other here, had even had their first kiss in this room.
Josh sat next to Valerie on the bed, who patted his shoulder.
“Sorry, it’s just… there are so many memories in this room, I’m just a bit overwhelmed. I thought I’d be prepared for this, but I don’t think I can ever be prepared for this, and now I just keep crying and, now I’m just, alone.”
“Josh, it’s okay to cry. I don’t even know how I’m not crying right now. Hey, it’s going to be alright.” She said, rubbing his shoulder. “You’re not alone. It’s going to be very hard, but the pain will fade eventually.”
“Thanks, Val. I just can’t shut this all out.”
“That’s alright. Maybe somehow this is easier for me than for you. If you want to go, then that’s fine.”
“No, I don’t think I want to go.” Josh said, grabbing a photo frame which held a photo from their summer camp from Angie’s nightstand. “It’s going to be hard to let this go.”
-
“Would it be okay if I took these home, Mr. Bennett?” Josh asked, holding up the photo frame, a notebook with photos and love notes which he had given Angie last year’s Valentine and a white shirt with a deer-head on it. “She wore this on our first date.” he added quietly.
“Off course, Josh.” He answered. “Valerie, if you want to take anything, then go ahead.”
“Thank you, I think I might come back sometime. I sort of liked being in her room. If that’s okay with you, off course.” Valerie said.
“That’s fine, dear.” Angie’s mom replied to her. The atmosphere in the house felt melancholy, which obviously didn’t surprise Josh.
“Thank you so much for having us.” Josh said, “I guess I’ll… see you around?”
He had sounded a bit hesitant, but was answered with a small, warm smile from both the adults in the room. He and Valerie went to the car, walking off in silence. They didn’t talk much, Josh only rubbed her knee when he noticed that she was now crying.
“Thanks for driving me, Josh.”
“No problem. If you ever need to talk about… this, hit me up.”
“I will.”
Josh wasn’t sure why, but he had the feeling he and Valerie weren’t going to talk much after this. Perhaps this was the first step of closure for Josh.