Hi hello how r u :) sorry again for like disappearing (run me my chips please) but as always spoiler warnings so pls be aware before reading!!
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"how have you been?"
you looked over at eren, who seemed trained on you, analyzing your every move. a small shiver ran down your spine, the hairs on the back of your neck began to stand up. you didn't trust eren at all, you were afraid of him, afraid of what he could possibly do, to you and the current ones that you hold dear to your heart.
you hesitated for a moment, swallowing the building up lump in your throat, your hands placed at your sides beginning to collect sweat. should you respond to him? what exactly did he want anyways? you had no use for him and he had no use for you, you didn't like not being in control of the situation thus far, visibly nervous in front of someone who you can't recall anymore.
looking at him was like watching everything unfold all over again. you hated it, you hated how much it affected you, it made you want to scream at him, to make him suffer the same way you did. it made you want to take everything he treasured away from him to get back at him once more.
but your impulses of revenge had been committed already, this was only the beginning of your karma it seemed, one thing after another happened so fast, it didn't give you any time to properly grieve or adjust.
to properly grieve in this moment was all you wanted. a moment to come to terms with udo's death sounded so nice, a moment to just breathe for a bit and not constantly being tormented by everything around you meant more than anything to you in this moment.
instead, having to look after the two surviving warriors, you had to always put yourself in front of them, to protect them was your duty now, your needs didn't entirely matter anymore, falco and gabi's well being had to come first, a loss of the both of them would result in huge devastation to marley.
you paced a few minutes looking at your feet before hesitantly responding to eren's question, your words carefully chosen. "i dont see why you're suddenly playing nice, we're enemies, don't you recall?"
eren kept his eyes trained on you, making a shift in his position, which made you flinch unnoticeably to his eye. eren simply just chuckled, putting his hands inside of his pockets, catching your now full attention on him.
"am i an asshole for wanting to speak with you alone?" he monotonely protested against your objections at his act of 'care', tilting his head slowly at you. he knew exactly what he was doing, he was getting into your head, but as much as it seemed like he wanted to break you down as he pleased, he felt bad.
probably because he still loved you, or probably because he saw himself in you when you sat in his cell with him, he'd sworn he had never seen you look so defeated before, he was well aware that whatever bond you two had, was very low it could be replenished.
nothing would ever be the same.
it was nice to dream, to reminisce when times were simpler, to deny that anything ever happened for the sake of yourself, only to be snapped back into the harsh reality that you now face.
"i've missed you." you heard eren blurt out, him now looking away from you and out the large window in front of him. you felt your body freeze in your spot, stunned by the words he had just told you. What did he just say? you felt your chest tighten suddenly, your eyes widened, trying to process what was said.
"you- missed me?" you stammered, feeling your body begin to wobble, your hands were visibly shaking. you were nervously looking at eren, waiting for it all to be over. you just wanted to go home, that was all. you didn't want to see eren, you didn't want to be on paradis, you wanted to go back home, maybe that alone could free you of half of the suffering you were cursed to endure.
eren began to shift from his spot once more, catching your attention once more. his footsteps echoed throughout the room, making his way closer to you. you mentally panicked, backing up until your back hit a wall suddenly, trapping you in eren's prescience. you felt your heart race, it was almost as if anyone in the room could hear how loud it was beating against your chest.
you then felt a large hand rest on your cheek, your body jerked up, moving away from his touch. you couldn't tell the emotion behind eren's eyes, his expression remained blank, it was almost as if he expected you to flinch your hand away from him. there was silence a few moments after until he reached his hand up to touch you again.
you were overcome with all sorts of emotions, cornered against a wall with no way out, having to face one of your biggest fears. you felt your body begin to shake, your fists clenched at your sides, your breathing began to become rapid.
finally, you felt his hand rest against firmly against your cheek once more. it had been so long since he'd done that, you almost couldn't recall how it felt, it was a small sense of comfort that you'd been longing for, the partial act of closure calmed your troubled soul, maybe this was okay. it felt far from right, but it was comforting.
"why are you doing this?" you suddenly questioned, looking up to meet eren's eyes. you knew now, no amount of act of closure would really mean anything to you, you weren't welcome here anymore. you were an enemy. a slave. it deeply pressured your chest, the feeling of disappointment making its way across your face.
"just tell me what you want from me," you finally broke the eye contact with him, looking down at your feet in silence. you could almost feel your eyes gloss over, you didn't want the moment to end just yet, you wanted to say so much to him, but you knew the words you'd want to say would go unspoken, that's how it always was with him. he rendered you speechless.
you no longer pledged your loyalty to paradis, nor eren anymore. you belonged to the marleyan military, fondling with eren was one of your biggest mistakes, and now you had to live with it for the rest of your days, but for now, you wanted to savor what he offered to you, to indulge in it, one final time, what you've been longing for all this time was now right in front of you.
it seemed he completely avoided your question, releasing his hand from your cheek while keeping eye contact with you. "follow me." he plainly said, backing away from you as if nothing had ever happened before. there it was, the sharp pang in your chest from before.
you didn't know why you felt this way, you were constantly fighting with the logical and unrealistic scenarios in your head, but you just nodded at his words and followed eren out of the small room and into the hallways. it was almost suffocatingly silent, the walls seemed to be caving in on you, never once letting you stop for a breath of air.
eren stopped by a door, opening it to reveal a space room inside. gabi sat in the corner, with her knees to her chest, shaking slightly. amongst seeing you, she sprung up from her position and ran into your side, clenching your clothes tightly in her embrace. "y/n! you're okay!" the girl smiled, snuggling herself into your chest.
you brought your arms around the girl and softly stroked her back, assuring her that you were okay. however, the short moment of bliss was cut short when eren broke the silence with his voice.
"the girl who killed sasha right?" both you and gabi looked up at eren, you now coming back into realization. thats right. she did kill sasha. you probably would have done your best to save her, but you just couldn't bring yourself to. maybe if you had stopped gabi from going up the aircraft and stayed in liberio, sasha wouldn't have died.
a death that wasn't necessary, nor was it supposed to happen. sasha should still be alive, maybe if you'd done more to prevent it, now, it's done, she's gone, there is no rewinding time to rekindle past mistakes and regret.
"if you want to save falco, helping me would be your best option," eren simply spoke, causing gabi to shake on her breaths. so that's what he wanted from you. he didn't truly miss you at all, he wanted to use you to his advantage, and you were well aware of this fact. but for some reason, it made your chest clench suddenly.
there was no place for you gabi or falco here, whatever fantasy you'd thought of ceased to exist now. "how- how would i?" gabi questioned, her grip on your clothes tightened as she trembled. eren adjusted his jacket and looked at you intently.
"you can start by radioing for help. that way it'll get any intruders within the walls out." you and gabi clutched onto each other, only being able to listen to what eren had told you. part of you had wished this was all a bad dream, and you could wake up in liberio with udo and zofia at your side, or mayhaps rewind time when you were all having fun, even if for a minute, just to see them all happy again.
eren opened his mouth slightly to speak, before being interrupted with the barrel of a gun being aimed at his head. gabi looked up, smiling slightly with tears in her eyes. "pieck!" you looked up, seeing the messy haired girl make eye contact with you.
"eren jaeger, right?" she then looked back at eren, her hands trained firmly on the trigger of the gun she held. "y/n, get the rifle and aim it at eren," you hesitated for a moment before you nodded slowly and grabbed the rifle laying on the ground, accompanied by the body of a dead soldier.
your hands shakily held the gun, the heavy weaponry weighing down in your hands. "gabi, get behind me." you softly commanded to the girl, who wasted no time in hiding behind you feebly, her whole body shaking.
you focused the rifle at eren, exhaling slowly whilst listening to pieck and his conversation. "hands out of your pocket." eren chuckled lowly to himself, refusing pieck's words. "and if i don't?" your grip on the rifle tightened, your fingers resting gently on the trigger.
"then i'll shoot you. it's simple as that, you won't have much time to transform." her words were blunt, her gaze never shifting from eren. it was a moment of silence before eren finally responded back to her threat. "you won't shoot me. your orders are to retake the founding titan, correct?"
"either way, you nor y/n would attempt to kill me given that," eren plainly stated, resting his head daringly toward the barrel of pieck's gun. there was a silence, pieck seemed like she was at a loss for words, until she finally lowered her gun from eren's head, signaling for you to do the same.
you slowly lowered the rifle, facing it toward the ground before dropping it fully. "very well then, i had other reasons for not shooting you as well, see if there's any way i can help," you stood there, gabi at your side, confused. help? if pieck came all this way to paradis, surely it wouldn't be to help, she wouldn't just abandon her comrades like that, it wasn't like her.
there was more to it than just that. you held the gun back in your hands, aiming it toward pieck. "zeke was the one who turned against us, have you known?" you blurted out, causing the attention to be set on you. gabi soon chimed in, stepping out from behind you a bit. "she's a traitor, just like zeke!"
"don't you remember what you told me before we left, pieck?" your tone became a bit louder than before, your hands shook and collected sweat, making it hard to hold the gun properly. pieck walked closer to you and gabi, causing you to put yourself between it, standing in front of gabi.
"if we prove we're good eldians we'll be freed!" gabi shouted at pieck, clenching her fists. this seemed to agitate pieck, as she stepped forward toward you, making you point the gun more toward her temple. "don't come any closer pieck. do you have any idea what you're doing?" you protested against the messy haired woman, backing up from her.
"you must be blind. i know the pain you're experiencing but please open your eyes," pieck's sudden personal outburst caused you to momentarily fall silent, your eyes still trained on her.
"once marley is done using us, they'll throw us all away. don't you understand? we're subjects of ymir." she turned to gabi among saying this, placing her hands on her shoulders gently. gabi, however, did not like this, shaking off her grip and getting behind you once more.
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"today seems bitter," pieck spoke, sitting next to you, resting her arm over your shoulder. there was a comfortable silence until you broke it suddenly. "why do you say that? isn't this mission supposed to be big?" pieck nodded her head, brushing a piece of her flowing hair behind her ear. ever since you'd been training, pieck seemed to be neutral minded the entire way, which was odd, considering most of the kids including you thought the people on the other side were evil.
they were devils. heartless, devils. "whatever happens, i just want to tell you, i'll always be on your side." pieck looked at you, a gentle gaze in her eyes, causing you to smile slightly, resting your head on her shoulder. pieck tensed up a bit, soon after letting her muscles relax.
"please, be safe y/n. i know you can take care of yourself, but marcel promised he'd keep an eye on you. i can't afford you dying on me," she continued on, making you giggle silently to yourself, nodding your head in understanding.
"promise me you won't die," pieck added on, gently nudging your head off of her shoulder. "pieck? why would i need to-" pieck stuck her arm forward, taking out her pinkie. "please, just pinkie promise me." you blinked, tilting your head, unsure of how to react to pieck's sudden outburst, but quite frankly, you didn't want to ruin anything so you copied her gesture and interlocked your pinkies together.
"fine. i pinkie promise i won't die," you lightheartedly remarked, smiling teasingly at pieck. there was a small silence, before you burst into laughter, grabbing onto your stomach. soon after, you fell over, pieck joining you, beginning to laugh as well.
part of you wished you never made that promise to pieck.
you left with reiner, annie, bertholdt and marcel later on that evening, pieck waving at you pitifully. you didn't understand the weight of her promise until you actually came face to face with death itself. it happened too fast for you, only a weak minded child to fully process.
no amount of training could ever prepared you for the sense of dread that you felt seeing marcel get eaten in front of you. "i'll protect you y/n!" you had heard marcel jokingly say before you'd set off, it never occurred to you that he meant it actually. you were just a kid, why were you the one to endure all of this?
the heavy feeling carried you as you trudged forward with reiner, mumbling a sentence under your breath.
"i pinkie promise i won't die,"
this time, you meant it fully.
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walking up the long flight of stairs, you looked up at pieck, and then at gabi, who were handcuffed together. you were honestly quite shocked that eren didn't restrain you worse than just tying your arms together, but considering the odds, the risk of safety, of lives.
you began to catch glimpse of double doors. "where's falco? is he okay?" gabi frantically asked, squeezing onto your clothes warily. eren kept ahead, his shoulders hunched over, his hands in his pockets. "honestly, i'm not sure. he swallowed some of zeke's spinal fluid." your eyes widened, looking back down at gabi, and then at your feet.
niccolo.
"how?" pieck chimed, her body posture straightened out, her face stiffened. "when niccolo attacked him, it must've gotten into his mouth considering how hard he hit him with the bottle." you slowly nodded your head, paying no attention further to what he had said.
"so, i guess we're considered allies now, correct?" pieck questioned, causing eren to momentarily look back at pieck and then you, his gaze longing for a bit. "show me where the enemy is, and your considerations will be answered." his tone was blunt, one thing was to admit, you couldn't trust eren, no matter how badly you wanted to.
yet the facade he put on earlier made it seem like he put so much trust into you. you found it hard to believe, you felt like you were being played with, manipulated into getting what he wants from you.
as the double doors opened, the sunlight broke through, shining on your face. eren turned to look at you, the sunlight lighting up half of his face, his hair steadily began to flow with the small breeze of the wind. it was almost how you remembered it, how the sun would touch his face and compliment his features perfectly.
pieck suddenly stepped out, pulling you and gabi along with her. it seemed the wind picked up a bit too, your hair was being swept almost in your face. pieck dragged you and gabi along in silence, coming to a halt at the balcony.
you could see the town, it was almost as if you'd never left the island, you wished it had always been that way. seeing eren smile lovingly at you, jean and sasha accompanied by connie at your side, erwin giving you honored praises while you salute to him. you missed everything about your old life.
however, living a double life is anything but good, and it's always bound to come to an end.
pieck looked at gabi, and then at you, flashing a reassuring smile to the both of you. you felt yourself tense up, seeing the way her eyes showed the same glint of gentleness as it had before. her hair swayed messily, as she nodded.
"the enemy," she began, taking a sharp inhale and one last glance at you before turning around. you knew that look, your mind began to race at the look she gave you. did she know you had something for eren? surely she didn't, you hadn't told her much since the failed mission. it was inevitable, since you'd be damned anyways.
"is there."
she pointed toward eren. you instantly felt your blood pressure drop, the color almost left your face, your heart began beating rapidly. you had so much to make up for, so much to mend, and here you were now, it felt like a struggle to pick sides. oh how you just wanted to go home, to feel safe, not constantly dragged into marley or eren's plans any longer.
suddenly, the ground beneath you began to shake, bursting open. there was a loud explosion sound, pieck tackling you and gabi over to safety.
you blinked quickly looking up, catching a glimpse of the jaw titan. porco. you felt yourself smile almost, the beat in your heart began to ram against your chest faster, with the alert of your adrenaline.
they really did come back for you. you looked up at pieck, flashing her a small smile, to which she returned back to you. the bittersweet moment was cut short with the sound of eren's groans of frustration, his eyes caught onto you for a split second, his gaze softened a bit before he went up in sparks.
a loud explosion was heard, causing you to close your eyes momentarily. opening them, you felt your chest clench in distress.
once again, you were welcomed by eren's ear piercing roar.
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ok honestly i want to apologize for like going MIA... updates will be more frequent! i appreciate the massive amount of support my story is getting, please take care of yourselves <33