[How to Win Friends and Influence Monsters]
EXT. WHARTON STATE FOREST - THE PINE BARRENS, NEW JERSEY - NIGHT
Something was running through the forest towards an SUV and a large tent. A generator was supplying power to the tent. Inside the tent, a man and woman in sleeping bags on a double bed were watching television. The woman used the remote to turn the television off.
"Good night, sweetie," the man said, turning off his bedside lamp and turned on his iPod.
The recording on the iPod said, "This is Nature Sounds' "Sounds of Nature," Volume 4, "Soothing Seas.""
The man, still asleep in his sleeping bag, was hanging upside down high up in a tree.
"What the hell? Leanne!" the man called.
The man saw something moving in the tree above him and said, "No. No. Stay away. Leanne!"
The man screamed as something began eating him alive. Bits of flesh, clothing and his iPod dropped to the ground.
"This is Nature Sounds' "The Sounds of Nature.""
INT. OLD HOUSE - HAMMONTON, NEW JERSEY - NIGHT
Sam came down the stairs. Dean was standing at a fuse box.
"Did you strip enough wire?" Sam asked.
"Yes, I stripped enough wire," Dean said.
"No, I believe you," Sam replied. "All right." He attached the cables to the stripped wires. Electricity crackled and the lights came on.
"See? Told you," Dean said.
Bobby and Francesca entered the house. Sam and Francesca took a seat at a table, Dean and Bobby stood around it.
"Well, isn't this cozy?" Bobby commented.
"Yeah," Sam answered. "Well, Motel 6 just ain't leaving the light on anymore."
"Well, I'm taking a page out of Frank Devereaux's Bible on this. Everybody's out to get you -- paranoia is just plain common sense."
"Weeks, guys," Dean said. "Weeks. We've been living with cold showers, cold Hot Pockets, cold freaking everything. I mean, this is the bottom that we're living in. You guys get that, right?"
Bobby looked at him. "How many big mouths are out there, running card traces, like Chet, or hunting us down God knows what ways? No, now's not the time to be laying our bed rolls out on the grid. Not if we can help it."
The lights went off and Sam turned on a battery-powered lamp.
"That's just great," Dean muttered. "This is stupid. Our quality of life is crap. We got Purgatory's least wanted everywhere, and we're on our third "The World's Screwed" issue in, what, three years? We've steered the bus away from the cliff twice already."
"Someone's got to do it," Sam reasoned.
"What if the bus wants to go over the cliff?"
"You think the world wants to end?"
"I think that if we didn't take its belt and all its pens away each year that, yeah, the whole enchilada woulda offed itself already."
"Stop trying to wrestle with the big picture, son. You're gonna hurt your head," Bobby told him.
Dean took a beer out of a cooler and laid on a sofa.
"So, what's the guff?" Bobby asked, sitting at the table with Sam and Francesca.
"Well, uh, there've been a rash of sightings all over the southern pine barrens -- a strange, fast-moving, human-like creature. Locals even have a name for it," Sam informed, passing a print-out of an Internet search to Bobby and Francesca. It read 'JERSEY DEVIL REPORTED!' and there was a picture of a creature with wings and webbed feet standing upright on two legs.
"The Jersey Devil?" Bobby commented. "Frankie and I thought that was just local tall-tale crap."
"The area's history of sightings goes back more than two centuries. Some accounts gave it bat wings, others horns, a... a tail." He showed Bobby and Francesca another print-out.
KNOWLEDGE FOR A[LL?]
APPARITIONS CREATURES CROP CIRCLESALIENS
Members Log In: quester password: ********
JERSEY DEVIL SIGHTED AGAIN!
Dr. Kara Schwandt PhD.
Science Journal Report Article
The Jersey Devil is a legendary creature or cryptic said to inhabit the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey. The creature is often described as a flying biped with hooves, but there are many variations.
To date, the most raucous reports of the Jersey Devil was [sic] in 1909 where hundred [sic] of people had testified to the sightings.
There had been many sightings of the creature since 1909. Recently a farmer in Jersey had reported disturbances and killing of his livestock. [etc]
"And, uh, oh yeah, a horse's head," Sam added, showing Bobby and Francesca another print-out.
OPEN MINDS
DEEPER KNOWLEDGE
Members Log In: quester password: ********
JERSEY DEVIL SPOTTED IN WOODS
There was a short, indistinct article and a drawing of a winged creature with a horse's head standing on two legs.
"Of course, the sketch looks more like a Chewbacca head," Dean commented.
Francesca frowned. "Sounds kinda mixed up."
"Yeah, kind of like it should be fighting a Japanese robot."
"Well, mixed up or not, it sounds like it might just have a body count," Sam said, passing Bobby and Francesca a newspaper article.
Bobby read the article. ""Camping high season hashed by human burrito"?"
"Yeah. Something hung a camper up in a tree, then ate him alive right through his sleeping bag. His wife hasn't been seen, either. Plus, there have been four other missing persons reported in the last three weeks. State troopers -- get this -- are saying it's a rogue bear."
"Yeah, of course, when was the last time you saw a bear string up its own piñata?" Dean questioned.
"Something's out there in the woods," Bobby replied. "Hey, we're going honest to goodness wilderness hunting. I haven't used my .30-30 in awhile."
"Okay, Davey Crockett, well, safari's gonna have to wait till tomorrow and after our suit-and-tie dance," Dean told him. "We'll make sure this is not just some backwoods crackhead who likes to roll glampers."
"What the hell's a glamper?"
"Sam?"
"High-end camper," Sam explained. "TV. A.C., Wi-Fi. Back to the nature, zero inconvenience."
"That's idiotic," Bobby said.
"Yeah. Some people just don't know how to live."
EXT. BIGGERSON'S SIZZLIN' GRILL & BAR - DAY
INT. BIGGERSON'S SIZZLIN' GRILL & BAR - DAY
A poster on the wall advertised the new, limited time only "Pepperjack Turducken Slammer" from $4.99.
Sam and Dean were at a table with a ranger, who was eating a sandwich.
"So, Ranger Evans-" Dean began.
"Oh, uh, you can call me Rick," the ranger interrupted. "Ranger Rick."
"Uh, you were the one who found Mitchell Rayburn, correct?"
"The human burrito."
"State police have it down as a bear attack," Sam told him.
Ranger Rick laughed. "Yeah, I read what the state police says. That was no rogue brown.
"Apparently, some others reported seeing something a little, you know, weirder," Dean said.
"You know, I've been a ranger for 12 years. Tell you the truth, we have no idea what's out there. Big. Lots of trees and whatnot. Tell you this, though. You got to respect Other Nature. You respect her, or she's gonna string you up, and she'll eat your ass right through the Gore-Tex."
"So you're thinking it's Mother Nature?"
"See, me and Phil, we've been finding, uh, something's leftovers for weeks -- deer remains, badger, missing pets."
"Who's Phil?" Sam questioned.
"Assistant Chief Ranger. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Phil in a couple of days. He's supposed to call from whatever station he's checking off."
"But you think maybe your assistant chief ranger might be missing?"
"I should probably report that."
Sam and Dean noticed that Bobby and Francesca had entered the restaurant.
"Oh," Dean said. "Excuse us. Well, you, uh... enjoy your lunch... Ranger Rick." The two walked over to Bobby and Francesca. "So?"
"Well, we took a look at the cadaver -- what's left of it," Bobby replied. "Not a happy camper. Don't have any stats on a Jersey Devil, but the bite radius on the vic's wounds -- it's too small for a Leviathan. And he's still got a ventricle and some change, so I doubt we're talking werewolf. And a wendigo don't leave no scraps."
"Hmm. Lunch?"
"Starving," Bobby and Francesca answered.
Dean hailed a passing waiter. "Hey! Uh, Brandon. We grab a booth?"
"Hey, uh, douchwad, a hostess will seat you," Brandon replied. "Do I look like a freaking hostess?"
"Do you want to look like a hostess?"
Brandon walked away.
Sam glanced at Dean. "That didn't really make sense, what you... said."
"What was that?" Dean asked.
"I sure hope we don't get Brandon's section," Bobby muttered.
Naturally, then got Brandon's section. Brandon came to their table and took their orders.
Brandon put a plate in front of Sam. "Sidewinder soup and salad combo goes to Big Bird." He put another plate in front of Dean. "TDK Slammer to Ken Doll." He put a plate in front of Francesca. "Burger for Pocahontas." He put a plate in front of Bobby. "And a little heart-smart for creepy uncle."
Francesca frowned. "Uh, I'm not..."
"I don't care."
"What is your problem?" Dean asked.
"You are my problem!"
"Oh, Brandon's got his flare up in a bunch," Bobby commented.
"Yeah," Sam agreed. "There goes his 18%."
Dean continued. "Anyway, chief ranger -- I don't think he believes in the Jersey Devil."
"Oh, oh, by the way, did he seem a little, uh, stoned to you?"
"Ranger Rick? Yeah. Definitely growing his own on the back 40 and smoking all the profits. Weird guy."
"He did seem to think there was something-"
Dean spoke with his mouth full. "Oh, that is a good sandwich."
"What the hell did you get?" Bobby wondered.
Dean turned a card on the table advertising the special towards Bobby as he said, "New Pepperjack Turducken Slammer -- limited time only."
"Bunch of birds shoved up inside each other. Shouldn't play God like that."
"Hey, don't look at us sideways from that -- that Chinese chicken geezer salad there, okay? I see your look, Frankie. This is awesome. Like the perfect storm of your top-three edible birds."
Sam changed the subject. "All right, anyways, um... The ranger did seem to think there was something out in Wharton Forest."
"Well, then I'd say it's safari time," Bobby decided.
"She's big-boned!" a man cried.
"Look at her!" Brandon yelled. "You're telling me she's not fat?"
"Hey," a waiter called.
"Up yours, Mike. Shove it right up yours!" He took off his apron and left the restaurant.
"Well, anyway, back to bigger and better things," Dean stated, continuing to eat his sandwich.
EXT. FOREST - DAY
Bobby, Dean, Sam and Francesca were walking through the forest. Bobby, Dean and Francesca were carrying packs and all four had rifles. Bobby stopped to look at a tuft of hair on a bush.
"Couple of bucks," Bobby noted. "Head-butting over turf probably. Pretty sure the other fella won."
"I guess I forgot," Sam said. "Before you were a hunter, you were actually a... hunter."
"Yeah, well, we shot our dinner when I was a kid."
"You used to take us hunting," Dean said. "Remember? Dad had a case, he'd just dump us on you. Shoot, you must have taught us most of the outdoor tracking we know."
"Yeah, what I could get to stick. I never could get you little grubs to pull a trigger on a single deer."
"You're talking about Bambi, man."
"You don't shoot Bambi, jackass. You shoot Bambi's mother."
They looked up at a bloodied arm hanging from a tree.
"Well, looks like we found Phil," Dean noted.
EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
Ranger Rick arrived in his vehicle and said, "Special agents. Listen, I got your call. But I'm not sure I got what you were saying." Dean and Francesca pointed upwards at the arm. "Hey. I think we found Phil."
"That's what I said," Dean replied.
"Uh, I should probably call this in."
"Yeah, yeah," Sam agreed. "Solid move, Rick."
As Ranger Rick went to his vehicle, there was the sound of a creature moving and breathing heavily.
Ranger Rick spoke on the radio. "Uh, this is Ranger Evans up at Acher's Point. Come in. Uh, repeat. This is Chief Ranger Evans."
A woman's voice came from the other side. "Chief Ranger, go ahead."
"I have a situation out at Acher's Point."
"Ranger, I think we've got company," Bobby warned.
"Yeah? Who's that?"
Something dragged Ranger Rick off into the trees.
"Ranger!" Sam and Francesca called. "Ranger Evans! Ranger!"
"It's got him up in the trees," Bobby said. "Lights off."
Bobby, Dean, Sam and Francesca pointed their rifles upwards. Bobby and Francesca turned off the spotlights on their rifles.
"What?" Dean wondered, lowering his rifle.
"Wait, Bobby, Frankie, do you two think that's a really good idea?" Sam asked.
"Shut up, shut off, and listen," Bobby told him.
Sam lowered his rifle and turned off the spotlight. Dean had already turned off the light on his.
"Damn thing's eating Rick," Bobby informed.
"Man, I liked Rick," Dean said in a slightly whiny tone.
Sam, Bobby and Francesca looked at Dean. Bobby and Francesca closed their eyes and fired up into the tree. A humanoid creature holding one of Ranger Rick's arms fell to the ground.
"Wow. Nice shot, Bobby, Frankie," Dean complimented.
"Seriously," Sam agreed.
"We all got our gifts," Bobby answered.
"What about the rest of Ranger Rick?" Dean questioned.
"Ranger called in his 10-20," Francesca replied. "His own will find him. We got crap to do."
INT. OLD HOUSE - NIGHT
Dean and Sam laid the creature on the table.
"Built like a supermodel, but the thing was strong," Bobby noted. "That's for damn sure. Carried a full-grown man up a tree in nothing flat."
"But, it only took one bullet to bring it down," Sam said. "Even though two were shot."
"And not even a silver bullet, just a bullet-bullet," Dean added.
The creature sat bolt upright and stood on the table. Dean, Sam, Bobby and Francesca fired at it repeatedly. It fell back down on the table. Dean and Sam exhaled loudly.
"First couple must have just stunned it," Bobby guessed.
"All right, well, let's check its hulk pants for some ID," Dean said, taking a wallet from the creature's pants. "Oh, that is just gonna ruin the leather."
Sam took the wallet from Dean.
"Are you feeling okay?" Bobby and Francesca asked.
"Yeah, I feel great," Dean said.
Sam read the ID. "Gerard Browder, uh, lived here in town, 5'9", brown hair and blue eyes... 235 pounds."
"Whoa."
The four looked at the creature, which clearly didn't weigh 235 pounds.
"Well, apparently, he's lost a little pudge," Bobby said.
"Maybe it's a-a lap-band side effect," Dean guessed.
Dean laughed, Sam, Bobby and Francesca didn't. Bobby poked a stick inside one of the bullet wounds in the creature and it dripped gray goo.
Bobby frowned. "What the hell? I think we better have a look under Gerald's hood."
Bobby, Sam and Francesca examined the creature's open chest cavity using forceps.
"God!" Bobby exclaimed. "Its organs are swimming in the stuff."
Dean entered the room, pouring himself a glass of whiskey.
"You guys getting hungry?" Dean asked. "I'm hungry."
"What's that?" Sam wondered.
"His stomach," Bobby replied. "For a guy on a diet, Gerry here packed it in pretty good."
"That's human right there."
"That's fresh Rick. Let's see. Plus... a pine cone? Pack of gum in the wrapper."
Francesca pointed to something else. "That's -- that's older. Perhaps like a -- perhaps Ranger Phil or the camper."
"What's that?"
"Looks like a -- yeah, that's a -- that's a cat's head," Sam confirmed.
"A glamper or two is one thing, but you got to be damn hungry to eat a cat's head," Bobby said.
"Mm-hmm," Sam and Francesca hummed.
"Well, lookit here. I'm no Dr. Oz, but..." Bobby took a large, lumpy, black object out of the creature's body, "I think that's his adrenal glands."
"Okay," Sam noted. "And?"
Francesca met Sam's eyes. "Meant to be the size of hotel bar soap... and bright orange."
Bobby, Sam and Francesca winced at the smell.
"Ooh!" Sam said. "All right, that might help explain the strength. Um, but whatever this thing is, it's not the Jersey Devil, but it sure as hell ain't Gerard Browder anymore."
"Okay, guys, seriously. It's time for dinner?" Dean said in a questioning tone.
INT. BIGGERSON'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Dean was eating a sandwich. Bobby, Sam and Francesca only had cups of coffee. Sam was reading from the New Jersey Police Missing Persons Agency website on his laptop.
"Gerald Browder, 35, self-employed," Sam informed. "Air-conditioning repairman." He looked at a website for Browder Air-conditioning; Gerald Browder was the owner/operator. "Missing person number three. Disappeared eight days ago."
"Well, that explains all the people who got eaten in the last eight days," Bobby reasoned.
"Yeah. Question is, what happened to him?" Dean was groaning as he ate his sandwich with large bites. "Dean. Uh, so, what do you think?"
Dean spoke with his mouth full. "I'm not that worried about it."
"Excuse me?" Bobby and Francesca said.
"That's funny, right?" Dean questioned. "I could give two shakes of a rat's ass. Is that right? Do rats shake their ass, or is it something else? Eh."
Sam and Francesca looked around the restaurant at the many customers eating the same sandwich.
"Give me that," Sam said, snatching the sandwich away from Dean.
"Whoa, whoa!" Dean protested. "Why?!"
"There's some funky chicken in the TDK Slammer, ain't there?" Bobby guessed.
"Yeah," Sam and Francesca replied, sniffing the sandwich and recoiling.
INT. OLD HOUSE - NIGHT
Bobby set the sandwich, wrapped in foil in the shape of a swan, down on a plate on the table.
Dean pouted. "This is stupid. My sandwich didn't do anything. I don't know what you think you're gonna find."
Sam unwrapped the sandwich.
"There's something wrong with you, Dean," Bobby told him.
"Are you kidding? I'm fine! I-I actually feel great. The best I've felt in a couple months. Cas? Black goo? I don't even care anymore. And you know what's even better? I don't care that I don't care. I just want my damn slammer back."
Sam looked at his brother. "Dude, you're completely stoned, just like Ranger Rick was."
"Just like the dinner rush back at Biggerson's," Bobby said. "And everybody's loving the Turducken."
Gray goo bubbled from the sandwich.
"I think you pissed off my sandwich," Dean commented as more goo bubbled out. "That -- that's in me?"
"O-only half of it," Sam replied.
Bobby frowned. "Does that snot look familiar?"
"Okay, so whatever turned Gerry Browder into a pumpkin head... and is currently turning Dean into an idiot-"
"I'm right here," Dean reminded him. "Right here."
"Is in the Turducken Slammer at Biggerson's," Francesca finished.
"Yeah," Sam agreed.
"It's in the meat," Bobby realized.
"If I wasn't so chilled out right now, I would puke," Dean said.
EXT. BIGGERSON'S RESTAURANT - RECEIVING ENTRANCE - NIGHT
"How's he doing?" Sam asked.
Bobby was in the driver's seat, and Sam was in the passenger's seat of a vehicle. Dean was in the backseat, asleep, his head resting on Francesca's shoulder.
"He's sleeping it off," Bobby replied. "Trytophan coma."
"So, you think he's okay?"
Francesca glanced down at Dean's sleeping figure. "Yeah, he's all right."
"Good. So you two don't worry about him?"
Francesca glanced up. "Sammy, of course I worry about him. I love him."
"What do you mean?" Bobby asked. "Before the Turducken?"
"Yeah," Sam answered. "Yeah, I kind of mean more like, uh... more like ever since my head broke... and we lost Cas. I mean, you two ever feel like he's -- he's going through the same motions but he's not the same Dean, you know?"
"How could he be?"
"Right, yeah, but what if-"
"What if what, Sam? You know, you worry about them. All he does is worry about you. Frankie worries about you both. Who's left to live their own life here? The three of you -- aren't you full up just playing Snuffleupagus with the Devil all the live long?"
"I don't know, Bobby. Seeing Lucifer's fine with me."
"Come again?" Bobby and Francesca questioned.
"Look, I'm not saying it's fun. I mean, to be honest with you two, I-I kind of see it as the best-case scenario. I mean... at least all my crazy's under one umbrella, you know? I kind of know what I'm dealing with. A lot of people got it worse."
"You always were one deep little son of a bitch," Bobby said.
"Wait, wait, wait. Here we go."
A delivery truck was backing up to the Biggerson's receiving entrance. The truck driver got out of the truck and wheeled cartons from the truck into the restaurant, then got back into the truck and drove away. The truck read 'MIDWEST MEAT AND POLTRY WHOLESALE DISTRIBUTION'.
"Well, I guess we follow him," Francesca decided.
EXT. PARKING LOT OUTSIDE N.E. LAW CENTER - NIGHT
A woman was walking to her car. She screamed as Brandon ran out from some trees and tackled her to the ground. A car pulled up and a man visible only from the chest down got out, walked over to Brandon and knocked him away from the woman.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
The Midwest Meat truck pulled up to the warehouse and parked. Sam, Bobby, Dean and Francesca were watching from their vehicle. Sam and Francesca had binoculars.
"That's weird, right?" Sam said. "I mean, national franchise like Biggerson's getting meat from a place that looks like it wholesales Hong Kong knockoffs."
"Okay. Yeah. It's a little weird," Dean agreed.
The truck driver entered the warehouse.
"All right, well, I guess we wait till they close up shop, go take a look around?" Sam guessed.
"Hang on," Bobby and Francesca said.
A car pulled up to the warehouse and Edgar got out. The truck driver came back out of the warehouse.
"No," Sam stated. "Edgar."
"Leviathans," Dean noted.
Edgar opened the trunk and helped out Brandon, whose head was covered with a hood. The truck driver took Brandon by the arm and led him into the warehouse.
Dean muttered, "Son of a bitch."
"What the hell is going on?" Bobby and Francesca wondered.
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
The truck driver was leading a hooded Brandon into the warehouse.
"Put him in with the others, if you don't mind," Edgar instructed.
"Edgar," Dr. Gaines greeted. "Follow me. I've been so busy with this experiment, I didn't even realize you were back. It's, uh, big stuff."
"I'm back because of the experiment. What's happening? You said you were refining the formula."
"Yes. Absolutely. And it's going great. The absorption rate is up in lower concentrations."
"But it didn't solve our little issue with adverse reactions."
"Well, no. Not 100%."
The truck driver put Brandon into a cage next to the other cages containing people and removed the hood.
Edgar looked at the cages and said, "Burn them."
"What? But they represent crucial test data. Were the additive formula went wrong, where my initial projections failed."
"Dick is coming."
Dr. Gaines turned to the truck driver. "Burn them."
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
Dean and Bobby were sitting in their vehicle outside the warehouse. Bobby was holding a cell phone which was on speaker.
Sam spoke on the other line. "There's nothing happening back here at all."
"Yeah, okay, Sam, Frankie," Bobby replied. "Well, they're pretty dug in, so why don't you two finish circling and head on back?"
"Right," Sam and Francesca agreed.
Bobby hung up and asked, "How's your head?"
"Well, I think the slammer's pretty much worn off," Dean answered. "In between that and the 20 cups of coffee, I'm nicely tense and alarmed."
"I wasn't talking about that."
"Oh, Bobby, don't -- don't go all Sigmund Freud on me right now, okay? I just got drugged by a sandwich."
"I want to talk about your new party line."
"Party? What are you talking about? I don't even vote."
""The world's a suicide case. We save it, it just steals more pills"?"
Dean frowned slightly. "Bobby, I'm here, okay? We're on the case. What's the problem?"
"I've seen a lot of hunters live and die. You're starting to talk like one of the dead ones, Dean."
"No, I'm talking the way a person talks when they've had it, when they can't figure out why they used to think all this mattered."
"Oh, you poor sorry... You're aren't a person."
"Thanks."
"Come on, now. You tried to hang it up and be a person with Frankie. And now here you're with a mean old coot and a van full of guns. That ain't person behavior, son. You're a hunter, meaning you're whatever the job you're doing today. No, you get a case of the Anne Sextons, something's gonna come up behind you and rip your fool head off. Now, you find your reasons to get back in the game. I don't care if it's love or spite or a ten-dollar bet. I've been to enough funerals. I mean it. You die before me, and I'll kill you."
"We need to scrape some more together, get you a condo or something."
Sam and Francesca got into the backseat of the vehicle before saying, "Hey. Something's up."
Two black vehicles pulled up as Edgar and Dr. Gaines came out of the building. Dick Roman got out of the second vehicle.
"Well, I'll be a squirrel in a skirt," Bobby muttered. "It's Dick frigging Roman."
"What?" Dean asked. "Who the hell is Dick frigging Roman?"
A television clip played and a reporter said, "Billionaire Dick Roman, seen here at a recent press conference, has been on the corporate-takeover warpath in the last several month and shows no signs of relenting."
At the bottom of the screen, a large headline reading 'THE RISE OF DICK' appeared throughout the clip.
Dick Roman spoke at a press conference. "I believe in good old American values, like unlimited growth. But it's like I always say -- if you want to win, then you got to be the shark. And a shark's got to eat." ... "Well, that's a great question. Yes, we have made new acquisitions. I don't believe in hostile takeovers. I believe in merging... and coming out on top."
The reporter spoke again. "Whether at the helm of his America's cup-winning yacht or one one his Fortune 500 companies, Roman has never shied away from the spotlight. Roman's record-breaking series of motivational seminars, "When in Rome," have outsold every other money-making program on the market. A vocal member of the NRA and a steadfast supporter of the second amendment, Roman has started attracting some conservative political attention, as well."
A political commentator said, "Roman is ruthless, but good-looking. I think he'll make a great candidate."
Dick Roman was still being interviewed. "Another great question. No, I am not running for political office at this time. But I do have a number-one bestseller."
The television clip was playing on Sam's laptop. Sam was in the driver's seat and Bobby was in back.
"Holy crap," Dean said. "What the hell is that?"
"That's one of the top 50 most powerful men in America, Dean," Sam replied.
"Says here top 35 as of last month. Now it's all making sense. Remember when Crowley kept going on about hating Dick? I thought he was just being general. Pfft!"
"Well, if the Leviathan got to him, then that means they're playing on a much bigger board than we were thinking," Bobby told them.
"So what, then?" Sam wondered. "I mean, we can't exactly outgun them."
"No, but we got the drop on them. Means we got a chance to figure out what these guys are really doing here."
Dean looked at some surveillance equipment Bobby was assembling. "Whoa. Where'd you get that mother?"
"It's on loan from Frank's big brother collection. It'll pick up vocal vibrations from the window glass at half a mile. It's time to find out what these ugly bastards are up to."
INT. ROOM - DAY
A woman, boy and man were placidly eating Biggerson's sandwiches in front of the television.
A voice on the television said, "The patient is put under general anesthesia. The eye is immobilized, then a scalpel is used to sever the optic nerve."
Dick, Dr. Gaines and a woman appeared at an observation window.
"When a macular detachment occurs, ? is superimposed on..."
Another woman was in the room; she was leaning back in an armchair with her eyes closed.
"The food additive that I've introduced into the Turducken has a near-100% rate of effectiveness," Dr. Gaines explained. "Once the subject tries it, they crave more within a few hours. With the very first dose, it starts to work on their DNA, showing their metabolism, causing weight gain, and dampening their emotional range, which makes them perfectly complacent. As you can see, they have yet to notice that grandma is no longer with us. True, if you leave out a cooked patty for more than an hour, it reverts back to a somewhat, uh, unappealing state, but I have yet to have a case of leftovers."
"You know what I love?" Dick questioned. "I mean, besides handball and a really crisp Chardonnay. I love progress. And I know that progress comes from collaboration, which is what makes moments like this so thrilling."
"I am so glad to hear you say that."
"Now, what can you tell me about your failures?"
"Hmm? My..."
"The ones that went off the rails after they ate your little treats."
"I, um... They're, uh... They've been very instructive."
"No. See, I asked for complacency. Not complacency and a 0.03% margin of hyper-adrenalized cannibalism."
"I will have this under control."
The woman held up a newspaper.
""Camping high season harshed by human burrito"?" Dick read. "Have I ever mentioned how I feel about our little forays making the papers? But, again, collaboration. Progress. I want to turn this little mistake into a big fat teachable moment. Will you help me with that?"
"Well... yes. Of course," Dr. Gaines replied.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - DAY
Sam, Dean and Francesca were in the vehicle. Dean was holding a cell that was on speaker.
"Our side's still dead, Bobby," Dean said. "Anything with you?"
Bobby was outside with his surveillance equipment and binoculars and answered, "Yeah, same here. I got -- hold on. Yeah, I got movement -- my side, second floor, meeting room."
INT. SECOND FLOOR MEETING ROOM - DAY
Dick entered the room, followed by the woman, Dr. Gaines and Edgar.
"And I'll reschedule with the Senator for lunch Tuesday," the woman said. "You can deal with the archdiocese in the afternoon."
"Fine," Dick agreed.
Bobby could hear the conversation via his surveillance equipment.
"Dick please, let me explain to you what our program has to offer," Dr. Gaines stated.
"No. Let me explain why we're shutting your program down."
"We're shutting it down? No, you can't-"
"I'm shutting it down because of the one golden rule. Do you know it?"
"Yes. "Don't make the papers." And I promise that-"
"No, the golden rule is that there's no such thing as monsters. Anything stirs their little pots to the contrary -- very bad for our plans. So, how can I use your mistake to communicate this to all your coworkers?"
"Listen, sir, I will do anything. I will give anything to make this right."
"I know you will."
The woman opened a briefcase and took out a folded paper item. Dr. Gaines looked at Edgar, who shrugged.
"You're bibbing me?" Dr. Gaines questioned.
Dr. Gaines sat. The woman unfolded the item - a bib - and tied it around Dr. Gaines' neck.
"Do you know what you can give us, doctor? Your example," Dick told him.
Dr. Gaines held his hand up to his face with his fingers pointing towards his mouth.
"What's happening now?" Dean and Francesca asked.
"Wait," Bobby said.
"Now, doc. It's time," Dick instructed. Dr. Gaines' out transformed.
"Now I have officially seen it all."
"Bobby, what is it?" Sam inquired.
"Bobby?" Francesca called.
"He's making the doctor eat himself," Bobby told the three hunters.
"What?" Dean replied.
"He's-"
The truck driver appeared in front of Bobby and punched him.
Dean, Sam and Francesca found Bobby's broken surveillance equipment on the roof.
"They got him," Dean and Francesca said.
"Dean, Frankie, there are at least four Leviathans out there," Sam told them. "We won't even know how to kill one."
"Well, it'll be quite a shock when we walk in through the front door, won't it?" Dean returned.
INT. SECOND FLOOR MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
Dick was signing papers at a desk. A sign on the wall behind him read 'Richard Roman Enterprises'.
"We'll have the jet on standby at O'Hare," the woman said. "Thursday morning, you close on the land acquisition in Gleason."
"Fine," Dick replied.
"And this came this afternoon." She handed him a wooden box. "Sotheby's."
Bobby was sitting in an armchair near the desk.
"Outstanding! Thank you, Susan. Oh, and, Susan?"
"Hmm?"
"Uh, huh-tuh."
Susan picked up the black goo stained bib and left the room.
"No, you're not tied up," Dick told Bobby. "Why waste the effort? We both know that you're not gonna get past me. How's your head?"
"So you got Dick Roman," Bobby stated.
"We can have whoever we want. We could have you, for example. If you were worth the effort."
"Oh, you're hurting my feelings."
"Well, it's a hard world, Bob. It's an us-eat-dog world."
"What do you got there?"
Dick took a gun out of the box from Sotheby's. "Winning bid at auction. Beautiful. Known for their peerless sighting. I imagine you appreciate guns."
"I'd appreciate one right about now."
Dick loaded the gun with bullets from the case. "Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo. But I mean the machine, the idea. Just one of your species' most inspired inventions. I mean it. I really think you guys have spunk. You're like a planet of just the cutest little engines that could. But... Like the late, great, actual Dick Roman used to say to the whores he'd kick out of the presidential suite... "cute don't quite hack it, sugar."" He pointed the gun at Bobby.
"Oh, let's just cut to the chase. I clearly ain't worth the extra time I'm getting here."
"I'm gonna eat you, Bob. Yes. But I like my meals prepared. Besides, holding onto you could pay big dividends. I bet your friends and niece are on their way to rescue the damsel."
"Nah, they're too smart. They know they don't have the numbers. It'd be suicide. I've run my race. Could die worse."
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Edgar and the tow truck driver were walking towards two men in suits who seemed to be bodyguards. Dean, Sam and Francesca entered carrying pressure sprayers. They sprayed the bodyguards, Edgar and the truck driver, all of whom started screaming and moaning as their skin burned. Sam's pressure sprayer read 'POWER CLEAN'.
INT. SECOND FLOOR MEETING ROOM - NIGHT
Dick and Bobby heard screaming.
"I'd stay in the chair," Dick suggested.
Dick tucked the gun into his pants and left the room. Bobby looked at folders, plans and maps from a briefcase on Dick's desk and loaded the second gun from the box on Sotheby's.
"Okay, sons of bitches," Bobby said. "See what you're up to now. You're coming with me."
Bobby took the folders and gun. As he got to the door, Susan opened it and knocked him down. Bobby lost hold of the folders and gun, but was able to grab the gun and shoot Susan in the face. Bobby ran from the office. Susan straightened. There was a gob of black goo on her forehead.
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Dick was wiping his burning face with a handkerchief. Sam and Francesca dropped their empty pressure sprayers and backed into a corner. Dick advanced on them, his face healing.
"Sam, Frankie... That is not how we communicate from a place of yes," Dick said. "That was bracing. Where'd you kids find this stuff?"
Francesca smirked. "I'm sure you'd love to know."
Bobby shot Dick in the back twice.
"Hey!" Dick called. "That's mine."
Dean threw more cleaning liquid onto Dick from behind. Dick started sizzling and burning.
"Go! Go!" Dean yelled.
Dean, Sam and Francesca ran from the room.
"Would you stop it with that stuff?" Dick asked.
Bobby followed Dean, Sam and Francesca, but a large bodyguard blocked his way.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Dean, Sam and Francesca pulled up to the warehouse in their vehicle.
"Damn it, where's Bobby?" Sam wondered.
INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Bobby grabbed a hook and swung it at the bodyguard. Black goo splattered the wall.
EXT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT
Bobby ran from the warehouse towards the vehicle.
"Bobby!" Sam yelled. "Come on! Come on! Come on!"
"Come on, Bobby!" Francesca shouted.
Bobby opened the sliding door of the vehicle. Dick came out of the warehouse and drew his gun.
Bobby got into the vehicle and ordered, "Go! Go!"
Dick shot the gun. Bobby closed the door. Dick shot twice more as Dean drove away.
"Son of a bitch!" Dean exclaimed. "I'm glad you got in. He almost took your freaking head off."
"Hey, Bobby, your hat," Sam said, holding out Bobby's cap. Bobby didn't respond. Sam noticed a bullet hole in the hat. The Winchesters looked at the backseat while Francesca stared in horror.
"Bobby?" Sam called. "Oh, God. Bobby? Bobby?"
"Bobby?!" Dean cried.
"Bobby?" Francesca whispered.