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But we just always
Seem to just fall out
When I'm most in need of it
And you just always
Seem to just call out
When I'm up for leaving it
°°
Harlow Dean
The second I heard that door slam shut my back slid down my wall until I was sitting in a pile on my bathroom floor unable to hold back the tears. Aside from the cat, I was alone in my house yet I still held my mouth closed with my hands and pinched my eyes shut in the hopes nobody would hear and come to my rescue.
I didn't want rescuing, I just wanted to be okay.
The worst part is I don't think I ever will be okay. I'll always be broken and I'm just gonna learn how to deal with it in a better way, I'll never stop feeling like this.
Every ounce of sadness I've ignored lately was all pouring out of me as I sat relentlessly crying to myself on my bathroom floor, alone completely.
The scary part is that I live in a world surrounded by people. I have my club where I'm friends with each member of staff. I have the coffee shop where I'm on first name terms with one of the baristas. I have the flower shop where the florist is like a genuine grandmother to me...and I still feel so lonely.
Crying silently hurts, but crying silently despite living in a house alone because you've grown so used to being punished for feeling upset is a whole new level of pain. My heart aches and my eyes burn, each time I gasp for a breath it hurts my chest yet I can't seem to pry my hand away from my mouth.
I don't even feel like me, I just feel like a hollow shell of a human that's all cracked. One more hit and it'll shatter into pieces, beyond repair.
I don't even know why I feel like this, I can't even fix it or remove the problem because the problem is me.
Hearing that Harry was one of the last people to ever speak to my mum hurt me, because he acted so unaware of the fact she was dead when I brought him to the graveyard and I just wish he told me he knew.
I was mad at him for a few minutes after he left, mad at him for dealing those drugs to my mother and the toxic part of me even blamed him. However I can't and won't him, my mother's actions are out with his control and trying to point the blame at someone over someone's death does absolutely nothing for nobody.
If it wasn't Harry it would've been somebody else and if anything I should be grateful it was Harry because now I'm safe from a psychopath who's also my biological half brother.
I needed space because I could feel like this comfortably without worrying about what Harry thinks of me, however he stormed straight out of here because of that and there's nobody to blame but myself for feeling lonely.
I do it to myself, I always have.
I never could just admit that I'm upset and talk about it with someone, resolving the issues and then moving forward. I always have to tell everyone I'm fine, a lie I'm so good at telling that nobody ever questions it. Living through other people's smiles is my way of finding happiness because without that, I don't even know how to find my own form of happiness.
Willow hurried upstairs, scurrying right over to me as I sat in a complete mess on my bathroom floor and she licked my tears away with her sandpaper textured tongue. I think she gave up in the end, they were falling too fast for her to be able to get rid of them all so instead she just circled up next to me, purring away at my side and occasionally standing to bash her head against my leg.
I always found it strange how attached people grew to their pets. That's until I got Willow because ever since then I couldn't imagine life without her. She's a cat, it sounds so ridiculous but sometimes when I'm at my lowest she always knows.
There's no lying about being 'fine' with my cat.
When the tears could no longer fall from my eyes I could feel them begin to swell. Each time I'd blink it would sting and each swallow would feel like swallowing needles. My heart ached, as well as my stomach and every other muscle in my body. My head just felt so heavy and so I gave up even moving it, I just sat there with my head tilted back against the wall staring up at the ceiling in complete silence aside from Willow's constant purring.
I felt empty, completely empty, broken and exhausted.
My bathroom is so light and the daylight usually shines through the sunlight on the ceiling, however all I could see was darkness. Everything just felt so dark and I don't even know why.
It wasn't even that I'm just sad over everything I've just found out from Harry. I was sad, I was angry, I was disappointed but that wasn't enough to send me down this dark, haunted path because I've had much worse things said to me by a man. I think it was just the icing on the cake.
Harry was a matchstick and I was a can of gasoline waiting to explode.
The only time I moved from my position on my bathroom floor was to wander through to my bedroom, grab the picture of my mum I have placed on my desk and then I wandered back to the bathroom, back to that same position on the floor in the corner for god knows what reason.
The second I slumped down against the wall I held her picture close to my chest and the tears began to fall again, burning my cheeks as they fell from my swollen waterlines. This time I wasn't holding my mouth shut with my hand, I couldn't because I was clinging on to this picture so tightly.
"Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture..."
I sang out quietly to our song that's been hitting much harder over the past year. "and save it from the funny tricks of time, slipping through my fingers-"
All hell broke loose, there's floods of tears streaming down my face at this point and I was crying so audibly my neighbours must think I've been fucking murdered.
The only thing that ever would've fixed this is my mother and she's never going to be able to look me in the eyes and tell me everything's okay ever again. It destroys me each time I think of it.
Almost a year since she died and I'm still in disbelief.
So I sat sobbing relentlessly on my bathroom floor hugging her picture because it's the closest I'm ever going to get to doing that again.
It's so easy to lose track of time when you get so lost inside your own head. When the darkness began to creep in after the sunlight begun fading I slowly began to snap back into reality, only to realise that I've been sat fully awake on my bathroom floor hugging this picture for hours.
Hours of me staring at the roof in complete numbness, desperate to feel just something.
Another hour was wasted in the shower, standing naked under the water unable to make any movements because even lifting my arm to move the water from my stinging eyes felt like a chore. I stood blankly staring at my bathroom tiles for so long, just listening to the water hit my back and and steam up the glass pane beside me.
Eventually I managed to force myself to wash my hair and body, feeling refreshed as soon as I did so which made me kick myself for not forcing myself to do that sooner.
When I stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel and wiping the foggy mirror I then proceeded to follow my whole skincare routine which I didn't think I'd even have the strength to do. I used probably every moisturiser and eye cream I owned to try and look like less of a total bloody corpse.
I didn't realise how late it was in the day until I actually looked at the clock and felt my heart skip a beat because of the realisation that the club opens shortly.
Tonight I didn't have the effort to put makeup on, my cheeks stung due to my activities of the day and putting makeup on was the last thing I wanted to do. Usually I love doing it, it makes me feel good about myself but at this point I don't think even the most full coverage foundation and best mascara can change the way I'm currently feeling.
I didn't even want to wear a dress tonight, I didn't feel like being seen so I threw myself into some black trousers and a blouse before tucking my hair into a ponytail behind my head.
This isn't the Harlow Dean everyone knows and loves, but it's the Harlow Dean that's coming out to play tonight because I truly do not have it in me to transform into the bad bitch I like to play dress up as.
I really miss her right now.
The drive to the club was a silent one, I didn't feel like listening to music because I'm going to be robbed of my silence tonight, may as well make the most of it while I can.
The club was already open by the time I arrived which was great because it meant I could hide behind the mass amount of strangers tonight. My only concern was Harry - how is he going to react to me turning up looking like I haven't slept in approximately twelve years?
I've never felt more insecure walking down this hallway, usually it's my fucking runway but not tonight apparently.
The strobing lights and thumping music took a few seconds for me to adjust to but when I did, I forced the smile back on my face and gazed around the club to see the real smiles worn by strangers scattered around my club.
"Harlow!" Someone shouts from behind me, placing their cold hand on my shoulder which makes me turn round quicker than you can even blink.
It's Demi, and she also looks worried, great.
"Are you okay?" She asks me, pulling me in for a hug quickly before letting me go.
"Yeah I'm fine, lost track of time that's all...hence the zero makeup and-"
"Shut up as if you need it anyway!" She interrupts, nudging me with her elbow. "You and Harry okay? He doesn't look like his usual wanting to murder everyone self?"
I look over to their booth in the corner to see happy faces and one of pure exhaustion belonging to Harry. I know it's my fault he feels and looks as tired as he does but I can't say I'm doing much better.
I hope he had some sort of a decent day, he deserves it.
"Yeah, we'll be fine." I smile back at her, "found out I have a half brother but Christ that's a conversation for another day. I'll speak to you later."
Demi looked at me in disbelief and I don't blame her. Last time I told her something like that was when there was a dead bird in my car.
I can't avoid it all night, so with a forced smile on my face I decide to walk over to Harry's table. With each step comes another ton of anxiety however with each step I'm also realising there's a girl sat beside Liam.
Josie.
I've never been so glad to see another woman in my life.
The moment our eyes clicked it brought a real, genuine smile to my face and instantly she shot to her feet and threw her arms around me. It's funny because I really didn't know how much I needed that until now, she doesn't even know it either but her hug made me feel that little bit better.
"How are you?! Oh my goodness long time no see!" She exclaims, cupping my face with her two hands.
"Good, I've been good."
A lie.
"Lost track of time, sorry about the state I'm in." I chuckle back, to which she just shakes her head and looks at me in confusion.
When I look around the table everyone's lost in their own conversation but Harry. Instead he's sitting on his phone as if I wasn't actually standing in front of him which hurt, but I don't blame him. I've pushed him so far away that I would probably ignore me too.
"You wanna come say hi to the girls in the dressing room? They've missed you." I suggest.
It didn't take much convincing so thankfully I was able to escape the awkwardness that had become the company of Harry. Josie and I rushed off to head back to see the girls she used to work with however when I looked over my shoulder back at Harry who now had his phone tucked away in his pocket, I felt my heart break a little.
"I'm just getting a drink of water, you go." I tell Josie, urging her to make her own way through the doors despite the fact she doesn't even work her anymore.
When I reach the quiet end of the bar alone I rest my elbows on the surface and let my head fall into my hands. I'm just fucked exhausted and I've still got hours of thinking club music and strobing lights to go through until I can go home again. As well as the horrible atmosphere between Harry and I.
Here I am in a club full to the brim of people, feeling like the loneliest person in the world.
I feel cold, absolutely freezing and it's strange because I'm surrounded by sweaty bodies. I just feel so cold and shivery, my head is killing me and I just want to go to sleep for the next fifteen years.
"Why did I just get a text message from Daniel saying that he's glad I spilled the beans on the relationship between the two of you?" Asks a voice from behind me, completely knocking the air from my lungs and making me jump out of my skin.
When I turn around I'm greeted with none other than the guy who hasn't left my thoughts since the minute he slammed my front door shut this morning. Only he doesn't look like he actually wants to talk to me, he looks angry, exactly like he did when we properly first met.
"I don't know, sorry." I swallow and Harry just rolls his eyes in frustration.
We really are right back at square one aren't we?
"Did you talk to him?" He asks sternly, almost accusing me of the exact thing he's asking.
"Why would I talk to him?" I reply timidly.
Harry shrugs his shoulders, looking back at me with his brows raised as if he's waiting for me to answer him. Unfortunately I don't have an answer, because I didn't fucking talk to him.
I really can't do this tonight, both physically and mentally.
"You look tired." He states without showing any emotion at all.
I'm not sure whether to be offended or not. It's the first time I've ever turned up at the club looking like such a wreck and I also am fucking exhausted in every way possible. I really didn't need him to point it out but he's not exactly wrong so I can't really be mad.
I offer him a smile and a nod, struggling so profusely to find the words to say right now because there are millions of thoughts swimming round my head right now, I Just can't seem to get them out.
But before I even have the chance, Harry just shrugs his shoulders and walks off leaving me standing alone again.
It feels like I was just slapped across the face with the reality that has come from me pushing him away and immediately I'm faced with all sorts of guilt, regret, sadness, disappointment and frustration.
I couldn't stand at the bar anymore so I quickly made my way through to my office, fighting back tears that felt like they were bound to spill out in just a matter of seconds despite the fact I thought I had already cried out every single droplet this afternoon.
When I reach my office I slam my door shut, yelling out a frustrated 'fuck' as I did so because thankfully due to the loud music nobody could even hear me.
My hands are trembling and all I feel is fury but I'm not angry at anyone, just myself.
I shouldn't have come here tonight but if I drive home right now I'll end up getting in a car accident and ruining everything.
So instead I sit myself down behind my desk and rest my head in my hands, cursing at myself for my own stupidity which always drives the people I care about most away from me.
Owen, my mother, Harry...I don't wanna know who's next.
I mean, there isn't really anyone else, is there?
I sank down into my chair, feeling like I'm not even present in my own fucking body and it's awful. I'm just numb, the tears I thought were going to spill from my already swollen eyes never fell and I just want to disappear into my own world where absolutely everything is different.
My mum would be here, I wouldn't be like the broken doll everyone leaves on their shelf, Harry wouldn't be so cold towards me and everything would just be normal.
I just want everything to be normal.
Although before I can begin to start feeling too sorry for myself, the unexpected knock at the door is enough to startle me as I desperately try to compose myself. I smile as I walk over to the door in the hopes that if I take it before I actually open the door then I'll look less like I'm going through hell right now.
And who is it standing at the other side of the door? A very frustrated looking Harry Styles which makes my heart plummet and shatter in the process.
I can not physically or emotionally take this right now.
°°
I cried so many times writing this hehe.
Sometimes it's so easy to get lost inside the world I'm writing ahhhh I'm actually sobbing.
Anyway I love you all. So happy with all the support so from the bottom of my heart thank you so so much. <3