Tom's POV
October 1990
It feels like it has been years since I moved to Virginia, but it's only been a few months. My new apartment in Virginia was bigger than the one in Metropolis, but it did not feel like home.
Mickey could have said one thing, anything, and I never would have come. Just one word, and I would have stayed. But she was too supportive, and never would have expressed anything to show that she did not want me to leave. But I fell in love with her, and I gave her my heart completely. It was the moment I felt that she felt that way too, was when I fell in love with her.
Every day, my drive from work to my new apartment made me pass rivers and roads, which always reminds me of all that I left behind in Metropolis. This situation may not be permanent... technically... but it still gave me great pain. Ten years is a very long time.
Instead of staggering out of some random bar like I've found myself doing almost every night, I stumbled into the apartment after grocery shopping. And by grocery shopping, I mean buying beer and pizza rolls. I threw the key onto an empty corner of the kitchen counter with a clank before I threw the pizza rolls in my brand new microwave, which I love. It can thaw and heat up foods in a matter of seconds, even if it is frozen. I need to tell Mickey about my microwave because neither of us have ever had one. They're so efficient and high-tech.
I glanced at the end of the letter I've been composing to send to her next, and figured I'd send it off tomorrow. I send all my letters with great love, because I have a fear that one day she will forget about me. I used to think that I could live without romance, but that was until she came into my life. Now, I know that I will go on loving her for eternity. She is always on my mind.
"Remember that I will always be in love with you. Please, treasure these few words until we are together again.
Keep all my love forever."
All my boxes arrived a couple weeks ago, but I have had no motivation to unpack. I've been procrastinating for no apparent reason. I sat in the living room, surrounded by the boxes. I have not bought a couch yet either, so I was sitting on the floor. My legs were bent and my arms rested on my knees with a beer in my hand and the rest of the case sat between my legs for easy access.
I didn't want to unpack in case I managed to get out of my contract and move back to Metropolis. I could revert everything and go back and everything would be just the way it was. I was regretting my decision, and I blamed it on having a quarter-life crisis. My life was great back in Metropolis. I had a good job, a great dog, and an amazing girlfriend—almost fiancée. I was a fool to let her go.
What have I done?
I never asked Mickey to wait for me, because I knew that would be selfish. Ten years would be so selfish. I couldn't make her spend her whole life just waiting for me. She is so amazing, I know that she will make someone else as happy as she made me. I could not ask her to come with me, because I know how dedicated she is to Jump Street and her future was in Metropolis and she wouldn't be happy in Springfield. I could never ask her to choose me over the career she has worked so hard for. Plus, the DEA was very strict about uprooting my entire life, and I had to do it alone. I already broke one rule; I gave her my address so we could write to each other.
My love for Mickey was not just going to go away, and I do not think it ever will. If I was given everything in the world, I'd trade it all for her. She will be in my heart, now and forever. I know I hurt her when I walked away from us. The physical distance that separated us caused an undeniable pain that I did not know I was capable of feeling. I thought that if we spent some time apart, our love would grow stronger... but it hurts so bad, I don't think I can take it much longer. It's all my fault.
They say that life moves pretty fast. It will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes and look around once in a while, but I'm fine with that. I wish I could stay forever this young, but gain the wisdom that the years will give me. I want to wake up when this personal hell is over. They say that life is a game made for everyone, and love is the prize. I want to sleep until I get my prize back.
As the years come and go, I just hope that Mickey smiles whenever I cross her mind. She was one of the greatest pleasures of my life, and I should have cherished her more. She was my whole world.
The rain outside was pattering softly against my window, and I focused on its rhythm. I swear it was telling me how big of a fool I was. I wish it would go and let me be alone. I will never be able to love another when my heart is somewhere far away. The memories won't go away, and I feel an indescribable pain whenever I hear her name. Where the hell did I go wrong?
I was too proud to cry, so I cracked open another beer. I did not want to be reminded that I chose my career over Mickey. When night came, so did the memories. I missed her face like hell, and being lost in her arms was heavenly. Those sweet afternoons with her still capture me, following me with everything I do. We really had it all, and I let it slip away. I don't want to know what the price is for dreaming, because it's more than what I can take.
Mickey could command any room she walked into. Her laugh bounced off the walls. She was so incredibly funny, boisterous, loud, charismatic, and gregarious. Ever since I left... it's been very quiet.
The waves of guilt and pain washed over me, which brought the bottle up to my lips. I should have bought whiskey, or something to really shut my brain off. That's when I remembered that I had a bottle in the kitchen that I bought the first day I was here, but I haven't opened it yet. I moved my legs so I wouldn't kick the case of beer and headed into the kitchen. I opened a few cabinets and finally found the brown bottle. I opened the top, smelled it, took a drink, and headed back to my spot on the floor.
I was going the numb the pain the only way I knew how, and my liver was going to pay the price. I did not want to be without her, but my judgement was clouded, just like the sky tonight in Springfield. I don't know half of what I'm thinking. If I could turn back time and repeat a day, it would be the day I said yes to the DEA. I was blinded by my own greed, and now I don't recognize my own face.
As I sat on the floor, I could feel myself get tired. My eyes couldn't stay open, despite struggling to keep them open. I just felt really sleepy. I found myself tipping slightly, at no fault of my own. I tried to compensate so I was sitting upright again but I overcompensated so I started leaning too far the other way. I also kept feeling like I was falling backwards, especially when I tipped my head back to take a drink. I threw myself forward and I heard the bottom of the whiskey bottle clammer to the floor with my hand still wrapped around its thick neck. My vision was shaking and it felt less exact to where I felt my surroundings ought to be. My head felt like the heaviest part of me... maybe I should stop drinking before I regret that too.
I sighed as I laid down and rested my heavy head on the hard floor, letting my limbs sprawl out. I closed my eyes and kept bringing a beer bottle up to my lips to polish it off, sometimes letting it fall into my mouth like a waterfall. I could be with Swayze and Mickey in our bed at our apartment right now. Mickey would be reading a book while I try to wrangle a toy out of Swayze's slobbery mouth. She would tell me about her day and I'll listen then tell her about mine. We would play rock-paper-scissors, and the loser would have to get up early to take Swayze out in the morning to use the bathroom, and she would always win. She always picks "scissors" first.
Going to the park to throw tennis balls for Swayze to chase after and kicking a soccer ball between me and Mickey was one of my favorite activities. The feeling of my toes going numb was worth spending time with her. Folding the laundry together, cooking together, and watching movies together... My heart was breathing for all those moments, and I let it all slip away.
All I can do now is call her. But every time I hear her sweet voice on the telephone, I know that I cannot stand being away from her another day. I need to be home with the girl that I adore. Every time we hang up, I just want to call her back and tell her that I am coming home to stay forever. It makes me wonder how often I cross her mind, because for me it happens all the time. As the days drag on, I get more and more lonely without her. I feel so alone. And it hurts my heart.
I should call her tonight. It's late here, but it's still early back in Metro. I'll call her before I go to bed.
I have one of her scrunchies in my bathroom. I didn't realize I accidentally packed it until I had to search for my toothbrush my first night. It's a deep blue scrunchie, the one she wore on our first assignment together. A breath of her perfume lingers on it, mixed with her shampoo. It pathetic to admit that it cheers me up when I miss her. She's a million miles away, but I can still feel her with me. Anything that's part of her, I will take.
Is this the price I have to pay for leaving? Forever feeling lost, trying to find her again? She is the only one that I want. All of my heart will always be hers.
I tried not to let my mind drift to the past. Thinking of the present... this was everything I have ever wanted and worked for my entire life. My family is proud of me, and I am making lots of money. The job had become a career. But I would trade it all if I could go back home to Mickey. The sun in my heart shines for her.
My memory was straying to the bright sunny days I was with Mickey. She even made the rainy ones good too. The way she looked, and the sound of her laughter... I still longed for the touch of her hand holding mine. I let my head roll and I opened my eyes to gaze at my doorstep and I pictured her there. There was nothing more I wanted than to actually see her there. My new apartment seemed so empty and bare without her. But, I'd still dance with the ghost of her around our home.
I could not tell if it was the alcohol, or thinking about Mickey made me feel a glow. Her warm smile and her soft cheeks were etched in my memory. I smiled as I imagined her. Her laugh that wrinkles her nose touched my foolish heart. I could almost hear it, I started laughing along with her. Her breathless charm was so intoxicating, if I could just see her face one more time then I could die a happy man. She could intoxicate my soul with her eyes. I wish she could feel what my heart was begging for her to know... that I missed her and I wished she was here. I am forever hers, faithfully. My heart was drenched in the alcohol, but she will be on my mind forever. I felt as empty as a drum.
I don't want to think I about how she is going to be happy without me. I can't even sleep when I think about her falling in love with someone else. How she will someday be under someone else's bedsheets. The way that she will whisper to him, or pull him in the way she used to with me. I can't get her off my mind, and it gives me no peace.
I don't think I will ever stop thinking of her. I never should have left. We are so crazy in love, I'm now just constantly reminded of how she's gone and I have never been this lonely.
I polished off my plate of pizza rolls and the six-pack of beer had disappeared before my eyes, the empty bottles surrounded me. I took another gulp from the whiskey bottle. I felt light, but I didn't feel dizzy. Maybe I wasn't as drunk as I thought I was going to be. I groaned as I sat up and immediately I felt my head swimming within itself. I had to close my eyes and cover my mouth with my hand so I wouldn't puke. The alcohol definitely served its purpose. I gave myself a minute to put all the empty beer bottles back in the case. I tried to close the plug to the whiskey, but I kept missing. I gave up pretty fast. I struggled to stand up and figured it was time to head to bed.
"Oh, shit," escaped my lazy mouth. I was so heavily exhausted and groggy. My heavy eyes felt delayed and I was seeing double, which for me is a strong sign that I'm gone. "I'm... fuck."
I left the case and the whisky on the floor so I could take care of them in the morning. I noticed my couch, maybe I should crash there tonight. My eyes drifted to the telephone. I really fucking miss her.
I slumped down on the couch and reached over to grab the phone. I put the base on my lap and put the receiver up to my ear. I dialed her number, and let it ring. My head felt swirly, like I was rocking up and down on a wave. My stomach felt it too.
Soon, her polite voice replaced the ringing. "Hello."
"Hey," I said.
"Tom?"
"Yeah."
"Hey, how's it going?" She asked in a soft voice. "What are you doing up so late?"
"I just... I just wanted to tell you... I was just... thinking about you." I'd crawl back to her if I could.
"Swayze really misses you. He keeps waiting at the door, thinking you're coming home."
"Oh." My voice broke. That killed me.
"I really miss you too."
"How was your day?" I asked her. I rubbed my hand over my face lazily. I swallowed the lump in my tight throat.
"It was good."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah. How was yours?"
I cleared my throat then answered, "it was fine."
"Are you okay?" She asked softly.
"Just... thinking."
I should never have let her go. Why did I let her go? I just want to hold her in my arms tonight. She made all my dreams come true. She belongs to me, I just hope that someday she will be back in my life once again. I should never have taken this stupid job. Signing that contract is my biggest regret.
"You made the right decision."
It was like she could read my thoughts. I let out a little laugh. "I don't really know anymore."
"It's getting pretty late over here. Go to bed, and we can talk more tomorrow. Okay?"
"Okay," I sighed.
"Okay. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I hung up and let the phone base slip off my legs and settle on the couch cushion. I let out an audible sigh, and I stood up.
I rubbed my eye to try to fix my blurry vision as I staggered toward my bedroom, but all it did was make me feel like I was falling down a rabbit hole. I closed my eyes because everything was moving. My legs and feet felt insufficient in keeping me both upright and steady. I veered to the right, the room was tilting and I could feel that I was off balanced. I bumped into the wall and mumbled, "sorry."
I was imagining that Mickey had come to Virginia to live with me. If I can't be close to her, I'll settle for the ghost of her. She was asleep in our room and I had to be quiet so I didn't wake her or Swayze. I almost believed the lies I was telling myself, so the crushing feeling in my heart when I didn't physically see her in my bed was painful. The silence was killing me slowly. I was in love with the past, with no hope for our future. Will this yearning for her ever end? I just wanted to hold her again. I still crave her.
I still don't sleep on her side of the bed. I could almost feel her warm, sleeping thigh against my own. My head was still reeling as I crashed on my mattress that lied on the floor in the bedroom. When I drink, I sleep like I'm dead. I hoped that Mickey knew that she was the love of my life. Dreams are all I have left now to see her beautiful face again. The walls of my room are closing in on me, but it is good to see her smiling face and to hear her voice again.
Maybe years from now, I'll run into her once more. I'll turn and I'll see her, and it'll be as if we always knew that we would be together again. I wished her nothing but happiness and love until we could meet again.
He's really going through it 😭 this chapter was originally inspired by that Spongebob song, "This Grill is Not a Home" 😂😂 I wish I was joking
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Next chapter is about Doug and Mickey and their growing friendship!