A
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I bathed my heart to the moon and told her how much I loved myself... enough to let everything else go.
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"Let me get this straight. He said, and I quote, you were desperate to talk to him?"
I suck on the straw, the juice making its way through. Cold and sour, just the way I like it. "It doesn't matter." Slurp. "I don't want him as a model." Or as anything else. No matter how much of an attention seeker I may seem to him.
I still can't wrap my head around last night. When he said that, I felt so... disturbed. A bucket of invisible cold water dumped on me then. I knew he was an indecent and disrespectful asshole, I just didn't think he was that much of an asshole.
"I get that you're mad, Aly. But he's so well-known. It's gonna help you... a lot, if you keep him around." She takes a bite of her tuna sandwich, "Every time he enters a room, the attention goes to him. People would pay attention to you if he stays."
I know, I know. But I don't want to use him for the sake of winning. It makes me feel incapable of doing that on my own.
And maybe I am incapable of doing it on my own, but I'd rather be incapable and independent than work with Crius.
Yesterday he said one thing but tomorrow he might say two. How long before he actually puts his words into action?
A shiver runs up my spine. Let's not think like that, I'd rather keep my sanity for today's meeting.
"Mara's well-known too. I'll be fine."
"Crius is—"
"Right here."
Oh god, seriously? You just had to throw him in my face while I was talking about him?
Hemera was staring behind me at the man himself. I couldn't see him, obviously, otherwise I'd have an urge to plant a black eye on his pretty face.
From what I remember, he has brown hair just like Mara and hazel eyes too? Not sure. Not that it even matters. Beauty was nothing when it was on the outside, not when there was a beast ready to pounce from the inside.
I knew who Crius was when he came into the café the other day. I've known him for a while, since I work in this kind of... work, obviously. I just couldn't remember his name and you can't blame me. Crius? Really? Like who named him?
His name sounds like something people these days would name a car. And me? I don't know shit about cars. Nor do I give a shit.
"I'm really sorry about last night, it was... fuck, it wasn't what it seemed like. I was sick and—"
"And why are you explaining this to me?" I managed to keep my voice calm, unbothered. I'm not sure how I did, but I did.
I was bothered by his words, by his impression of me. Any woman would be, but I shouldn't expect better from a man like him. He was... a man and they never change.
Hemera's gaze softens when they meet my own. She raises her eyebrows slightly. Hear him out.
Oh fuck no. Men lie, he's gonna twist his words around and stab me with the thorns he's hiding. I don't mind hearing out the truth, if there was something worth listening to.
I shrugged, no.
As if remembering I had something extremely delicious in front of me, I suck on the straw, which makes a loud slurping noise that echos off the walls of the room.
"I owe you—"
Slurp
"An explanation for my—"
Slurp
"Behaviour last night."
I slam my cup on the table, standing up and turning around, facing his annoyingly handsome face. Nothing, and I mean nothing about his face was pretty. Crius was handsome in all of his manly glory. His face was sculpted in a way the rest of us weren't, it was unfair but gosh, he was so attractive. The straight slope of his nose was perfect, his sharp jawline was perfect, his full lips were perfect, and holy fuck his eyes. Grey, soft, honest, cloudy, stormy, and sad. He was perfect.
Suddenly aware of the silence screaming between us, I clear my throat. "You owe me nothing for being a man."
He clenches his jaw, "What?" Despite his obvious anger, he remains calm. Kind of ironic, really, considering men were great at yelling and raging out.
"I'm not wrong," fuck. His eyes are captivating, an illusion powerful enough to put me in a trance. To remind me, seduce me, and use me.
Sorin. Sorin. Sorin. Remember who actually has your heart and who you belong to.
"I expect nothing less from a guy like you."
Something flashes over his eyes but it's gone before I can catch it. "All I wanted to say was sorry. I was sick, I meant to tease you but it came out in a way I didn't intend." He takes a step back, putting some distance between us, even though there was barely any to begin with or so that's what I think.
I open my mouth to say something.
"Crius! You little shit. You forgot, again." Mara runs in, her hair a mess and a water bottle in her hand. She puts something in Crius's palm, opening the cap of the bottle, shoving it in his direction.
I turn around to look at Hemera but she shrugs. Maybe he was telling the truth, is what her face seems to say.
I raise my brows back at her. Okay but that doesn't explain why he teased me the way he did.
She shrugs. It should be you apologizing now. I roll my eyes. Doesn't she have a job to go to or something?
"Crius gets sick pretty easily and he has to take these meds, otherwise he sounds like he hasn't had water in days." Mara smiles at me, breathing heavily. She wipes a sheen of sweat from her forehead, simply exhausted from running.
I inwardly groan.
Now I feel bad, like actually bad. When I look at Crius, his broad back faces me as he's gulping down the water.
As much as I hate apologizing—
"You should take care of yourself, I can't work with someone who's sick all the time. I don't have the patience for that." Hell, that wasn't what was supposed to come out.
"I'm sure it's not my sickness that's making you want to kick me out." When he turns around, his face is blank, empty, completely distanced away from me. Crius offers me a smile and it's like not like his warm smiles, it's cold, bland.
I don't like it.
"I'm sure I'll find another reason." I tease, trying to lift up the thick air. He takes a step towards me and this time I wish he would just stay away. Not because he's disgusting me, no that's not it. It's those damn eyes, they've held me captive and I can't escape.
I refuse to break our little staring competition. His eyes, they're glittering with a challenge. And I, Alida, never back out from a fucking challenge. Even if that means breaking all the rules I've created.
His eyes... there's so much story in them. I want to read it, know it all before he hides it.
Warmth seeps through my blouse. The contact breaking the tension between me and Crius.
"Maybe we should get this meeting started." Mara squeezes my shoulder and continues her descent as I follow her with Crius behind me. I look at Hemera who's wildly amused by all of this. I roll my eyes, so immature.
I place my butt back on the warm seat and look up.
My eyes travel back to Crius, who's leaning against the chair across from me and I regret it. He's already looking at me like he's trying to unravel me, understand me, or annihilate me. I'm not sure, but staring at him is heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time and when he smiles at me...
You like Sorin.
With that reminder, I look down at the open notebook and scribble with my unopened pen.
"Right," I clear my throat, turning away from him. "There's um," I shuffle through my papers, roughness chafes on the insides of my throat. My eyes wander off for a second, no water to be found. "There's a lot to discuss, um, I heard that Sarnai is pretty competitive and um, well I'm not that capable, like my designs are good? I think. But please, just um, god, I sound like I have no idea what I'm talking about."
I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing this at all. I could leave, walk away from all of this, save myself from embarrassment but instead I'm placing myself in a mouse trap.
Hemera wraps an arm around my shoulder, "You're doing fine. Just breathe, we're not going anywhere."
I close my eyes. I made a mistake, not by joining the competition (which is a mistake), but by setting up a meeting way earlier than it should have been.
"Here," Mara hands me an iPad. "Sarnai is pretty competitive but I think you can do it." She scrolls down some kind of presentation, when did she have the time to put this together? "There's a lot of things we need to be aware of, but first is topic. The judges usually care about the concept and theme more than—"
"A theme," I say to no one in particular. Shit, shit, shit. I completely forgot about a theme. I don't... fuck,
"You're panicking." Mara puts the iPad down, reaching for my hands. "Hey, don't worry. Let's just take this a day at a time."
"I just... I didn't think this through." I pull my hands away, desperate to leave. I cover my face with them as the embarrassment seeps into my skin. "We shouldn't do this," I say. "This was a mistake." I stand, the chair scrapes against the glass floor which makes me cringe.
"Hey, hey. Alida, we're all here for you. Come on, take a seat. Let's figure this out." Hemera grabbed my wrist, gently squeezing it. I pull it out of her grasp. I can't stand the kindness.
Don't be an embarrassment.
Don't make a fool out of me.
I can't believe an untalented girl like you is my daughter.
I would've aborted you if I knew how useless you would be.
"I can't do this." I stand up, feeling defeated. But I've been defeated even before I even had the chance to fight for myself.
"Have a little faith in yourself," came Crius's reply next to everyone else's. "One day at a time, Alida. Stop forcing yourself to run when you can't walk."
His words send me to a place of peace and quiet and a place where flowers grew around me. In this place, I was learning to walk, learning to take it step by step rather than jumping into something I didn't know how to do. I could see a hand holding onto mine as it guided me through the flowers, each one was different, each one was beautiful, each one was intoxicating and perfect. The hand holding onto mine was strong, brave, and honest. I felt loved, protected, and cared for.
This place reminded me of Sorin.
"We can't believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. You have to try." And just like that, I was sent back into hell with fire burning into my skin.
"No one asked you to believe in me." The harsh words run towards him like a predator running after it's prey. But I couldn't give a shit—I wouldn't.
I stomp out of the room, unstoppable, even when I hear Hemera calling after me with her honey-like voice.
From the moment I laid my eyes on you, I knew the world was gonna bow down to you.
You have my heart, love bird, you always will.
You are my map, dearest. I used you to find treasure when all along it was you.
I'll never leave you, my child. You are my sun, my moon, the very reason why I breathe. I love you and it's never ending, even as it destroys your old mans heart.
The first slip of water down my cheek leads down a line of more tears.
Lies. They're all lies.
My memories are fucking with me and I can't focus.
Sarnai Sarnai Sarnai.
Fuck Sarnai.
"That's her? Crius Arryn is working with her?"
"I know right?! She's not even a model."
Laughter.
"Screw being a model, she's not even... a somebody."
I ignore the models talking about me like I can't hear them. I ignore them because if I don't, I'll cry. I ignore them because I can't do anything about it when they're right.
The giggles walk beside me and then after me even as I walk away from the girls. When I can still hear laughter, I run.
I push open the front doors of the building, panting as the sun burns the skin off my face.
The tension fades away, the words fade away, I fade away.
Out here, I am dust. They cannot touch or ruin or break dust when it's already broken and turned into nothingness.
I take the long staircase step by step, counting them.
Seven, step. Eight, step. Nine, step.
My foot curves, making the other one trip over it. I squeeze my eyes shit. Oh fuc—
Large arms wrap around my waist as it hoists me up off the step.
With my eyes still closed, I place my hands on their shoulders.
Strong. Very strong.
"You can open your eyes now," the whisper sends a shiver down my spine. Leaving me exasperated as I open my eyes and nearly have a heart attack at the brown eyes staring back at me.
With his hands still on my waist and mine still on his shoulders, the distance between us is nonexistent. I'm not sure whether to pull him closer or push him away. I don't know, I can't decide.
The heavy beating of my heart, the overwhelming sound blasts in my ear, deafening the world around me.
His eyes sparkle as he smiles at me, his dimples appearing with the sun as his spotlight. Everything feels so light, so alive, so planned. And I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. Was this fate making amends for the shit it put me through? Or was it a coincidence? I don't care.
"Hi," my voice breathy and light and totally not how it usually is.
And even though it's cold outside, even with spring peaking out of the curtains, his warmth burns me and I like it.
"You okay?" He asks me, his brows are furrowed and there's a crinkle on his forehead. It's adorable, he's worried for me.
I nod, slowly. "I think so."
He puts me down, letting go of me and I slowly back away as well, missing his warmth—missing the burn.
"You should watch your step next time," he says, not rudely but kindly. It's as if he's afraid I'll fall and he won't be there to catch me. "Yeah, I probably should."
He cups the side of my face with one of his hands, wiping the wetness of my tears off.
I fucking forgot I was crying.
He doesn't remove his hand even when he finishes wiping the tears. "Everything okay?" He asks me.
No, no it's not.
Instead I say, "Yes. Just a little stressed."
"If it's about the competition Hemera told me about, there's no need for you to be scared." He backs away a little, his hand dropping from my face, and I want to pull him back to me.
He scratches the back of his neck, "I've had glimpses of your work, and it's good. Amazing, actually. You should be proud of it."
My work, my art, my feelings. Everything is just ass when it comes to me.
"I know, I just need... I need a hand to hold. To guide me, ya know?" I whisper out.
"Then hold mine, let me guide you, let me be the map that takes you to your destination." I stare at him, openly and unabashed. My heart thrumming against my chest, wanting to burst out into flames or ice or whatever the fuck it wants, I don't know. He frowns, "Fucking hell, that was so cheesy. I just meant that..." He scratches the space between his brows, "You know what I meant right?"
With a new profound kind of confidence, I extend my hand. "Then guide me."
He looks down at the hand and then at me and then back at the hand. He eyes his own gloved hand as he reaches out for my bare ones.
And even though I'm the one guiding both of us, it seems pretty damn clear that he's the hand I was holding onto in the field of flowers.