Train Wreck – James Arthur.
"No stain was on her little heart; sin had not entered there, and innocence slept sweetly on; that pale white brow so fair. She was too pure for this cold Earth; too beautiful to stay; and so, God's holy angel bore; our darling one away." – "Darling Swept Away" Anonymous
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🦄Emily🦄
"Where were you?" he asks as soon as I step inside the apartment.
"I told you where I was going before I left," I tell him putting my keys and flash drive on the table next to the door.
"You lied," he says turning around to face me, the tangerine mid-century couch sifting under his weight.
"I did not," I tell him leaning against the royal blue wall to remove my shoes.
"I heard you made a new friend today," he says sitting forward, placing his elbows on his knees.
"I think I did," I say rolling my head back as my bare feet touch the golden oak hardwood floor.
"You think you did?" he asks, if I know him well enough, he's probably already irritated.
"Yes, that's what I said," I say walking past him to the kitchen.
"Why did you go there Emily?" he asks walking behind me.
"Why did I go where?" I ask him studying the white walls and royal blue cupboards in the kitchen; I designed the place but I didn't know the colours were this interesting.
"To Valentina-Rosa's apartment complex," he asks leaning against the doorframe.
"I went to an apartment complex to pick up a flash drive for an assignment" I point to the table beside the front door.
"I didn't know she lived there, hell I didn't even know what she looked like until earlier today," I tell him exasperated.
"That's exactly why I keep telling you you shouldn't speak to strangers now you're going to put my life in misery all because you couldn't keep your mouth shut," he says behind me, anger dripping off every word.
"I'm sick of you telling me what to do and acting like you're my father" I mutter under my breath.
"What was that?" he asks his voice low and closer to my ear than it was a moment.
"I said you told me that you guys were no longer together so what's the big deal now?" I ask as I pull out the seasoned chicken from the shelf on the fridge.
"So, because I told you that we broke up you thought that it was okay for you to just broadcast our relationship to somebody named Valentina-Rosa? She's the only Valentina-Rosa that I know in this county" he asks still every bit as irritated as he was a moment ago.
"She was the one that asked Carson! She saw the picture of the two of us on my lock screen; the picture that might I add you've been forcing me to keep there and she asked me about our relationship. I didn't just see her and decide that I should tell her about the two of us." I slam the dish against the white granite countertop looking up at him.
"You need to calm down," he says his voice low and threatening.
"You need to shut up and leave me alone" I hiss throwing my hands up in the air completely frustrated.
The fire I see in his eyes when the words leave my lips matches the fire that has been burning inside of what's left of my heart all day.
"What did you just say?" he asks walking closer, eyes still ablaze, voice dripping with anger.
"I said, you need to shut up and leave me alone" I repeat myself unmoving, equally as angry not caring one bit about the consequences I will have to face.
He walks towards me, each step sending a thousand different threats, the anger in me mixes with fear but I don't move I just prepare myself for what's to come. Carson feeds off fear and I'm not in the mood to give his ego a boost. His hand wraps around my throat and I close my eyes, not for the bliss associated with being choked; no, I close my eyes to whisper a prayer to God asking him to take me now.
His hand closes around my neck and I see stars, I don't struggle I just allow him to pull me off the floor and dangle me in the air. He shouts something about manners but I tune him out. I don't open my eyes even when he throws me against the wall and a blinding pain spreads through my head. I keep them closed even when I feel his feet against my stomach, the impact makes me cough but I don't fight back or complain. When he pulls me off the floor by my hair, I squeeze my eyes tighter together to hold back the tears.
He doesn't deserve to see my tears.
But I deserved to be treated like this.
I am a horrible person.
She would've been one today.
But he killed her.
I let him kill her.
Why should I fight for my life when I barely fought for hers?
My mother told me to leave but I didn't listen.
My own daughter.
The first life growing inside me, I let him take her life before she even got a chance to open her little eyes.
And even after that, I stayed.
It's like I can't leave.
I'm surrounded by him.
Completely.
He never wants to talk about what he did that night.
He doesn't expect me to either.
His fist connects with my face and the ultrasounds flash before my eyes.
She would've been so beautiful.
If only he wasn't this monster.
If only I had given her a chance to live.
If only I had fought harder.
If only I had listened to my mother.
If only I had run away from him.
She would have been alive.
We would be celebrating her first birthday today.
He starts kicking my stomach again and I remember how she used to kick gently against the walls of my stomach when I would read to her.
Does he think of her?
Does he think of the way he threw me on the floor and kicked me while I was six months pregnant with his child?
The same way he's kicking me; just because the anger and the alcohol told him to do it?
He didn't want her from the beginning so I would understand if he didn't think about her.
But I think about her,
Everyday,
I think about how she would look in her first onesie.
I think about how her voice would sound.
I think about how amazing it would feel to hear her laugh.
I think of the little moments that I allowed myself to be robbed of.
Nina Ailana Dean.
That would've been her name.
Hope of love.
Bearer of life.
She would've been my hope of love, my little bearer of life.
She would've been my all.
She was my hope.
She was my light.
And now she's gone.
All because of my love for a man.
I held onto the promise of her life, more than I held onto my will to live my own life.
And now all I have left of her are pictures of her in my stomach.
And the feeling of her lifeless body wrapped up in my arms.
A feeling that haunts me every day.
A feeling that no matter how hard I try to bury it; never goes away.
"Get up," he says as he walks away.
"And stop feeling sorry for yourself".
"You've been on the road all day and you left me nothing to eat. Unless you want another lesson, get up and make me some food".
With that he's gone, that's how it is all the time. He gets angry for the simplest things and uses me as a punching bag and once he's done, he tells me to stop crying and go get something done.
And of course, I do, because all my pride, all the self-love, all the respect I had for myself died the day I lost the one thing that meant the most to me; the day I lost my one true love.
I never die, no matter how hard I try but I'll try again tonight; maybe this time Lady Luck will play my cards right.
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Soooooo Carson definitely made my hit list.
Word Count: 1354
Thank you for reading 😊.