This entire trip I had been thinking about where to next, where are we running to next but I never thought about what would happen when it ended. What would happen when we had to stop running?
Everything comes to an end... everything ends and everything dies. That is the depressing truth of the universe. It may be depressing but it is also beautiful. If nothing ever died then everything would last forever and nothing would ever get started. Everything would be taken for granted and no one would feel the need to do anything because they have forever. It would be everlasting and there is nothing beautiful in that.
But we don't; we don't have forever. We have limited time, everything has a time frame and everything has its time.
That's what makes life worth living, that's what makes life beautiful.
Our trip was ending and as much as the thought caused my stomach to drop and my depression to deepen, I tried to remain positive.
Home.
My home was my prison, it was where my depression stemmed and grew out of control like a neglected and overgrown garden that resembled a forest.
I hated my home but I knew if Jackson was with me then the vortex of depression wouldn't be that bad. I would be able to fight it. I wouldn't be alone anymore and with that thought, a smile grew on my face.
"So when are we going back home?"
He curses before meeting my eyes. "Um I'm not sure."
The guilt pregnant in his eyes causes my heart to pound, my stomach dropping at the glint in his sapphire eyes. "What? What's wrong?"
All this trip he had been happy, a grin engraved on his face, a light gleaming in his eyes... but now? Now his eyes were dimmed with guilt, a frown downturning his lips. "Elizabeth... I'm sorry for not mentioning it before but I didn't want this trip to feel like it was on a timer."
My eyebrows furrow. "What do you mean?"
Exhaling heavily, he rubbed a hand down his face before meeting my eyes. "I'm not going home. I'm moving to Exeter. I'm joining the rugby team there."
And just like that my heart broke.
This whole trip I had been feeling, I had realised so much about myself and my depression and for the first time in a long time, I wanted to fight. For the first time in a long time, I could see a glimpse of a future and I was excited for it. That future involved Jackson.
He had told me he would always be there, he wouldn't leave me but now he was. Like everyone else in my life he was leaving me.
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm not enough.
He was leaving me. I was going back to that forsaken town alone. I was going back to where my depression stemmed from, where Elliot died and where I tried to kill myself. That town was nothing but disease ridden, it was under a constant cover of darkness and depression and I was going back to it, alone.
I'm always alone. Elliot had left me completely alone and vulnerable, my parents had forgotten about me and now Jackson was doing the same thing.
"You're... you're not coming back?" I whisper. I felt the need to gasp and clutch at my chest, an agonising pain erupting there but I didn't. I was used to pain.
The guilt and regret is clear as day on his face but that doesn't stop the feeling of abandonment that floods my body. I'm being abandoned again.
What is it with people leaving me?
Maybe this is what I deserve.
Shaking his head, he swallows audibly. "I wanted to tell you but it just was never the right time. This is a huge opportunity, Eliza. I can't give it up."
Of course he can't. This was his chance to do what he loved, this was his chance to play rugby for a long time, have a career in the sport he adored and knew so much about. I couldn't ask him to give it up because I was weak. I wouldn't ask him to give it up.
"So that guy... Ted.. wasn't a family friend?" I ask dumbly, feeling so stupid for not figuring it out before.
Ted gave away so many clues, all the times Jackson looked like he wanted to say something but never did. The clues were there and I was blind.
He shakes his head, a grim look painted across his face. "He recruited me."
A pain settled in my chest. It hurt so much, like an arrow through the heart but this wasn't cupids arrow. This was the devils, torturing me and not allowing me one ounce of happiness.
"This is my big break..." He carried on while my mind swirled and my chest ached. "This is so important to me. I've wanted this since... well forever. I can't give it up."
I wish he would have told me when we first set off on this trip, at least then I would have known not to get too attached. If he told me before then I would have known that there was no point in hope.
In the end, those months of perfecting the fake smile when my depression first hit came in handy. I was unknowingly practicing for the second most heart breaking thing that's ever happened to me.
Fake a smile. He won't know the difference. This is his dream. Don't make him feel guilty.
Jackson had become my friend -more than a friend- and my feelings for him had grown. He had helped me so much and I would always be thankful to him. He would always be my second best friend.
But Jackson couldn't be in my life forever, Jackson had to leave and find his own way. He couldn't babysit me, because that's what I was to him. He was making sure I didn't do anything stupid under his watch but that wasn't his responsibility.
He deserved better than that. He deserved better than me.
He was going to become a professional rugby player, make money, be happy, play his favourite sport, make friends for life and then meet someone. He was going to find someone -most likely a model- whom he would fall so deeply in love with. They would marry and start a family.
All while I'm alone.
But he deserved this. He should be happy even if I was miserable as a consequence.
They say you don't know how you feel about someone until you're on the verge of losing them. I figured out how I felt at the exact moment I was losing Jackson.
I was undoubtedly and wholly in love with Jackson Ryder.
They also say if you love someone set them free. I was setting Jackson free. If you love someone their happiness is all that matters, even if their happiness means not being with you.
He deserved this. His happiness was worth way more than mine. I had lived with so much pain for a whole year. What's a little more?
"You can't and you won't." I smile widely while my heart cracks further. "You're going to be an amazing rugby player, Jackson."
Don't make it look too forced.
Don't grin too wide.
Don't look too happy.
Crinkle your eyes.
Those were the rules on how to master a fake smile.
I'm genuinely happy he's committing to his dream. You don't matter, Elizabeth. He's more important. Who cares if you go back to your room where no one in the entire world cares about you? Who cares if you're alone for the rest of your life, allowing the waves of depression to batter you?
Jackson will be happy living his dream. Don't make him feel guilty and don't allow him to give this up.
"You think so?" His lip curls in to a small smile.
I scoff, smiling. "I know so." He was going to be absolutely amazing there was no doubt about it... it's just sad that I wasn't part of his new life.
Please don't cry. All those months of not being able to cry and now I'm like a leaking tap.
"You going to come to one of my games?" He asks with a grin. A grin that broke my heart.
"You mean sit and read?"
His laugh caused my stomach to drop. "Having you there, even reading, would mean everything."
"Who would pull me out of my fictional character infused world at the end of the game?" I joke. "I can't go alone."
He shrugs. "You stay there and when the game is over I'll come to you and bring you back to reality. We'll then get some food... like old times."
And how long would that last? A few weeks? A few months? He'll forget about me once he's got his fans, teammates and once he has a beautiful girlfriend she won't want me coming to his games and going to dinner with him. It will end eventually so why prolong the pain and heartache? It was alright for him, I was the depressed girl he saved, I was his friend but to me he was an angel and the most gorgeous person on the planet. It would be so much harder and I can't will myself to go through even more pain that I've already been through. So much pain in so little time.
Fake a smile and lie. "Of course. I wouldn't miss you playing for the world."
His grin relieves some of the heart ache. "Are you going to be okay?"
His worried tone makes me smile another fake smile again. "Of course I will be."
His smile dims a fraction and a slither of panic shoots down my spine. Does he know I'm faking? "You know what I mean... Will you be okay?"
Oh.
He was worried about me killing myself. That wasn't his responsibility anymore.
Fake a smile and reassure. "I'll be just fine Jackson. Don't worry about me. Focus on yourself and your career."
"I'll drive you back home."
"You'll drive me to Exeter and I'll get the train home. There's no point in you driving to and from." I wave him off.
I don't think I could handle spending more time that necessary with him. It would hurt too much. The abandonment, the lump in my throat, the sobs that I had to reign in, the pain erupting in my chest that was only worsening with each passing second. I was drowning in heartache while the waves of depression were rising.
"But-"
"But nothing." I shake my head, interrupting him. "Stay in your new city and enjoy your first night in your new house." I couldn't stop myself from wrapping my arms around his waist, clutching him. "Thank you Jackson. For the trip."
Thank you for showing me a glimpse of what my life could have been. Thank you for being so amazing and perfect. Thank you for making me fall in love with you. Thank you for removing me from that forsaken town, even if it was only temporary.
"Thank you for coming with me."