"Little help please?!" I shout down the hallway in hopes that someone hears me
I got notified all the gifts I ordered for everyone had been delivered so I went down to grab and sign for them. I guess I just didn't think some would be as heavy as they are. When nobody responds, I exhale a groan and look to the stack of boxes, really not in the mood to make multiple trips
But the whole teams been... off since the meeting yesterday. Every time I pass by someone they give me a sympathetic smile and ask me how I'm feeling
Every. Time.
I swear if one more person asks me how I'm feeling or if I'm okay, I might actually implode on myself
With a heavy sigh, I squat down and begin to pick up and stack some decent sized boxes to lift
Oh, wait
I mentally smack myself and chuckle at how dumb I am
With a flick and curl of my hands, my energy flows out and under each parcel in a dark storm cloud manner, lifting them effortlessly. I smile to myself and walk down the corridor to the elevator, my little conga line of floating packages trailing behind me
When the elevator dings and the doors open, I can't help the annoyed breath that escapes me and the droop in my shoulders. Sam offers me a gentle smile as he steps out of the elevator
"Hey, how-"
"Am I feeling? Same as I was the last time you all asked." I finish his sentence gruffly, stepping onto the elevator with my floating parcels. Sam breathes out a chuckle with a shake of his head
"Sorry. Just waiting for a different answer one of these times." He tilts his head in my direction
"Well thanks Sammy. But I'm fine. Really I am. Body feels like I went toe to toe with Hulk and lost but I'm good." I press the button to my floor
"Mhm. Well let me know if that changes? Your best friend will swoop in to help." He beams at me
I giggle at him with an arched brow. "I'd hope Nat would help." Sams smile drops as he gives me a 'come on man' look which only makes me laugh
"Get outta here before I call Red Wing on you." He waves me away with a laugh of his own. I roll my eyes as the doors finally close and the lift takes me to my floor
After a few long moments the elevator dings and the doors glide open. I step out with my levitating mail and make my way to my bedroom. I silently thank the gods above that I didn't run into anyone else on my trek as I open my door. I place all the boxes in a neat pile next to my dresser and in clear sight so I remember to wrap everything before tomorrow's festivities
Man I am really bad at timing these sort of things. At least I was able to afford the same day shipping fee on top of the express delivery charges on all of these so I can have them just in time. It also helps when the buyer/company see that it's for the Avengers
It's a weird feeling honestly, going from having absolutely no one but yourself for the holidays to suddenly having nearly a dozen individuals around. And they all care about me, that's the crazy part. I really got lucky on finding this team. This family. And to think, if I hadn't tried pickpocketing Tony that faithful day, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd probably still be working 60+ hour work weeks and pawning off stolen items just to afford heating for the month
Alright, enough of the sentimental nonsense
"Doll.." His voice was just above a whisper yet scared the hell out of me like he screamed it in my ear. Normally I can sense when he's in my room so this incident really got me
"Jesus Christ Buck, you can't sneak up on me like that!" I place a hand on my chest to calm the rapid beating of my startled heart as I turn to follow where his voice came from
He stood just inside my doorway, almost looking nervous as he didn't even look at me. I scrunch my brows together in mild worry at his demeanor. Clearly something was on his mind and bothering him
"Baby what's wrong?" I ask, stepping towards him and placing a hand on his thick bicep
Bucky slowly exhales, closing his eyes to either think or calm himself before finally meeting my gaze. His eyes were full of sorrow and sadness, like he was on the verge of tears. The sight only caused further concern to bubble quickly inside me but that all vanished with his next words
"We need to talk."
My body turned ice cold at his statement and my insides felt like they were made of stone. Though this is my first real relationship, I knew those four simple words were never a good sign. I've read enough stories and seen plenty of movies where this exact line is spoken to know it's outcome. And with the look on Buckys face, I fear for the worst
This is it. He's finally going to dump me. He either came to his senses and realized he doesn't want me anymore or he's tired of me. Tired of us. That I'm not good enough for him. Or maybe that he's not good enough for me which is so unbelievably wrong. The thought of losing him breaks my heart into thousands of little shards and strangles the air from my lungs
I thought we were doing good. Great even. We're happy. We're in love. We have each other and that's all that matters. At least, I thought we were. What changed?
My hands begin to tremble as I pull myself away from Bucky, hell my entire body was shaking by this point. I want to respond verbally but all I could muster was a small nod and timidly walked over to my bed with Bucky behind me. I sat at the foot of my mattress, Bucky taking the spot next to me and turning just enough to face me. But I couldn't bring myself to look into those beautiful cerulean eyes of his that I love so damn much. Instead, I focus on the floor in front of me, awaiting for him to bring down the news
But Bucky doesn't say anything for a few minutes. Instead he just stares at me which only causes me further panic. With a heavy sigh, I finally decide to speak
"If you're gonna break up with me, please just get it over with.." I croak, holding back a sob that's inching its way out. From the corner of my eye I see Bucky slightly lean back with his face contorted in confusion
"What? I'm not- Amelia I'm not dumping you." He grabs one of my trembling hands in his as he spoke, his voice soft and tender. I swing my head to look at him, my own face morphing to mimic his questioning gaze
"But you said-"
"That we need to talk. Yes it's about us but I'm not leaving you." He gently squeezes my hand and tenses his jaw as he looks all over my face in bewilderment that I could even suggest such a thing. My bottom lip involuntarily juts out in a pout as the stinging in my eyes from the threat of tears slowly ceases
"You're not?" I ask. Bucky shakes his head, a flash of amusement twinkles behind his eyes as he stares at me
"Not anytime soon. Or ever for that matter." He brings his vibranium hand to my face and gently cradles my cheek. I place my hand over his as Bucky softly strokes his thumb up and down my cheekbone
"That a promise?" I ask, taking a mental note to remember those sweet words of his. Bucky cracked a smile, the corners of his eyes briefly crinkling as he huffed out a breath with a small nod
Our brief happy moment quickly got taken over by gloom as Bucky backtracked to why he originally came to my room. My guts twisted as I awaited for him to speak and almost seemed relieved when he finally did
"I don't want to hide anymore doll." His eyes flicker to meet mine through his thick lashes. They practically screamed with desperation and his voice... god his voice sounded so drained
"I know Bucky... I do too... b-"
"But." Bucky sighs the word out for me and I can see the barrier walls rising behind his demeanor. I frown
"Don't do that. Not to me." I shake my head at him. He presses his lips into a tight line, looking down to our entwined fingers knowing I called him out for setting up a mental and emotional wall
"Amelia, please just listen to me." He snaps his eyes back to mine
"I have been Buck! We keep going around and around with this subject." I sigh, lightly tightening my hold on Buckys hand as it rest on my knee
"I want to tell everyone at the Christmas party tomorrow." He states, cautiously looking to me for my reaction. I slump my shoulders, realizing all my words fall on deaf ears
"Bucky-"
"I want to be able to kiss you under a mistletoe or just in general in front of everyone. For you to sit on my lap while we all open gifts or watch a movie with the team. To hold your hand and not give a damn about anything else. Please doll.." Buckys voice cracks as he spoke and every time it does, my heart does too
Of course I feel the exact same. Obviously I want to lock lips with him under one of the many mistletoes I'm sure Tony will be hanging and not have to deal with any negative repercussions. To sit between his legs with his arms wrapped around my waist while I open a gift surrounded by the team. Or to openly give him the photos I took and watch him turn red as everyone just laughs at his reaction. To not sneak around and lie to the few people who don't know already. I want it all with him
But
"We need to go on assignments to give any proof we can make this work Bucky."
He combs a hand through his hair with an exasperated sigh. "Why do we have to do that though? Why do we have to go on missions Amelia."
I draw my brows together, completely floored by his statement. Has he not been listening to what I've been saying for months now?
"So we prove that we can date and still be on the team? To continue fighting bad guys and protect the world?" I respond with a questioning tone
Bucky looks from our hands to the door, his whole aura shifting. "I've been fighting for the last seventy years doll. I'm tired of it."
My concern grows as I drink in his words. "What about the team? Steve? Nat?" I motion with my free hand towards the door as if the two were on the other side
"What about them? You think they'll just stop talking to us if we leave?" His tone now held a mild bite to it as he brought his gaze back to meet mine
I open my mouth to respond but his rebuttal stumped me. I mean, I guess I've just assumed they wouldn't keep in contact with us if we decide to tell Tony and leave the team. They'd be too busy saving the world and whatnot to see us. I flicker my eyes to Buckys, unable to give him an answer
"They're our best friends doll, they wouldn't just drop us like that." Bucky continues, his voice softening as he realizes I've started to crack
After a minute of silence and staring at one another, I finally sigh. "Just... just give me some time Buck. I want to ease Tony into lifting the rule. If not for us, then for Nat and Bruce." I squeeze his hand, hoping he understands
"And how long will that take?" Bucky quips. I pers my lips together
"Tony showed his true colors yesterday. There's no possible way for us to convince him right now so, not any time soon." I squeeze his hand again, rubbing my thumb along his
Bucky glances around the room as he spoke, "doesn't help that you lashed at him." He gives me a quick stern expression. I shoot him one back immediately
"I was standing up for you! What he was saying was -"
"True." Bucky breathes out the word and looks away, anywhere but at me
My heart clenched in my chest as I read him. We've never had this talk before because, well, neither of us enjoyed the topic. It happened and is in the past, nothing anyone could do about it now. But to hear him state that he truly believes it's solely his fault that I'm like this, that I got taken by Hydra because of him, felt much worse than anything Hydra put me through
God.. has he been blaming himself this entire time?
"Baby look at me," I release his hand on my lap and grab his chin softly, pulling him to look back directly at me. "What happened is not your fault-"
"I could've listened when you told me to go assist civilians. Then I would've made it to you before that damn grenade went off and-" I could see the guilt and agony gnawing away at him the more he spoke
"Why? So you could be captured too? I made the choice to protect you and the others. I saved your life Bucky." I tuck a stray clump of his chocolate locks behind his ear as I spoke
"And I ruined yours..." Buckys eyes were now rimmed with red as he was on the verge of tears, his voice lost of all emotion besides regret
Seeing him like this was the crack that broke the dam. Tears stung my own eyes as I looked at him, shaking my head. It killed me inside knowing this is how he felt all this time. Blaming himself constantly
"James you have no idea how wrong you are. You haven't ruined my life in the slightest." I wipe away a stray tear as it ran down my cheek
"Amelia-" Bucky starts but I place a finger to his plump lips, silencing him
"If anything you've made me actually want to live my life. So I don't ever want you to say or think otherwise, got it? I made the ultimate decision, I paid the price." I wipe more tears away as they cascade down my cheeks. Buckys eyes glued to mine as he drank up my words
"And I'd do it all again if it meant protecting you." I drop my eyes to the collar of his shirt, unable to hold his gaze any further
The room fills with silence as we both process what the other had said now that our thoughts were out in the open. I let out a shaky breath, wiping the last of my fallen tears away when Bucky reaches up and cups either side of my neck, hooking his thumbs and pointer fingers on my jawline
He tilts my head up in the slightest and pulls me towards him slowly, as if asking permission to kiss me. Everything he did was slow and delicate, as if he thought I were made of glass and would break with any sudden movement. Even the kiss was feather like, a simple graze of our lips and tender nudge of noses. Bucky rests his forehead against mine, fluttering his eyes closed while I bring my hands to rest on his forearms as he still held my jaw
After another few moments in complete silence, just holding the other, I think over his words. The emotions he's been holding back. The way it all felt like a knife was slashing at my heart when he spoke them. I know he's tired of hiding and sneaking around. I know he wants to go public and I'm the only thing holding him back
I'm just....
Scared
What if we get kicked off the team permanently? I know Bucky's tired of fighting and killing who we deem bad guys but we're also protecting and helping those in need. How could I make the selfish choice to pick him over millions of civilians that need saving? Given either option, I know I'd feel like a piece of shit with what I choose. Guilt would eat me alive from the inside out. One, I lose the team and retire from helping those who need it. The other I lose the love of my life, the person I care for the most, just to be a hero
But what if only one of us gets the boot while the other stays here? I could continue helping save the world and date Bucky since he wouldn't technically be apart of the team. The downside of that is we'd never get to see one another, or live a normal mundane life together since I'd be preoccupied with missions and press conferences
What if-
Stop. You'll go at this for hours and accomplish nothing
But I can't keep doing this to him. To us. It's not fair. We'll just have to deal with whatever comes our way, together
The longer I think over the situation, the more I realize it wouldn't truly matter to the world if I left the team. I'm not known by the public like everyone else here is, not famous like Steve, Tony, Bruce, or Nat. I don't have a reputation to live up to. So maybe it wouldn't be so bad to drop the whole hero thing. To be selfish for once
To choose Bucky
But I can still try to convince Tony that the rule is bullshit. Like I said earlier, if not for Bucky and I, then for Nat and Bruce. Because after everything they've lived through and experienced, I think they deserve to find comfort and love in the other. Maybe they'd both retire from the team as well to go out and live as normal of a life as they can together
With a shaky inhale, I squeeze Buckys forearms to get his attention. He blinks his eyes open and pulls away just enough to see me clearly but still keeps his hands and fingers sprawled from my neck to my cheek. I bite the inside of my lip nervously, not wanting to speak my next words
"Five assignments together. Then we go to Tony." I whisper, glancing from Buckys chest to his swirling steel eyes. He seems hesitant on the agreement, mulling over the option for a brief moment
"Five." He states but it comes out as more of a question
"Five." I reiterate
Bucky cracks a smile and I see all his dread and sorrow slowly melt away. His eyes brighten, practically beaming with joy and blinding me as he nods. He mumbles 'okay' under his breath as he pulls me back to him, latching his lips to mine almost eagerly that it made me smile into him
"Okay." I whisper against his lips before falling back onto my bed with him crawling on top.
.