AN: Wow, I am so sorry I feel terrible for the delay. I was reading all your comments. They are very motivating thank you! Anyway, I could tell you the all the reasons and excuses as to why this is so late but I won't bore you with my life story! Enjoy, hopefully the next chapter will be a little less delayed than this! xx
TW: Implications of sexual abuse
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The next day Toni was hanging out with her friends in the parking lot after school. She was constantly on edge now and her friends were starting to notice. Little side glances and concerned expressions, questioning looks that said, "are you okay?", and avoiding the topic of Regan like the plague. Bottom line, Toni was starting to feel like everyone was constantly watching her which made her even more anxious because she had so much to hide but was feeling too vulnerable to do it properly.
There was one person that seemed to hover more than anyone else and that was Dot. All throughout the day it seemed like Dot was about to bring up something serious but someone else would interrupt. Which is why it came as no surprise that Dot offered to drive Toni home. An offer Toni was hardly going to turn down in this freezing weather.
They both got in Dot's car and Toni waited for her to pull out but she just sat there, hands on the steering wheel, gazing out the front window. "Toni, I-" Dot signed and twisted in her seat, facing her. "I need to tell you something but I don't want to set you off or you to do something you regret."
"What is it?" Toni's heart was beating a mile a minute but she kept a cool composure.
"Yesterday, Shelby told me that she knew what was going on at your house and that she saw Carol hit you. I don't know how though, she refused to tell me anymore than that."
Toni saw red.
She had asked Shelby not to do one thing. One thing and she almost instantly did it. She didn't even give it 24 hours.
Toni's body just started to act on its own accord. She punched and kicked at the dash. not even remotely aware that her knuckles were starting to bleed. She could hear muffled shouting from nearby but she could mostly only hear her own blood pumping in her ears. Suddenly she was being pulled out of the car.
Dot tried to hold her, but Toni knew that the second she stopped fighting, the anger she felt would be replaced by the emotions that she was actually feeling: Sadness, betrayal, weakness, desperation and hopelessness. Anger she could manage, at the very least she felt almost powerful. The pitiful emotions lying under the surface wouldn't help her.
She struggled out of Dot's grip. "I need to see Shelby," She practically growled, making her way back into the car. She was starting to regain control, perspective. At least Shelby had told Dot and not anyone else. She was lucky in that sense. That wasn't the point though, it was the principle of the situation; she had lied to her. Maybe Shelby had worked out that Dot knew. Either way, Toni needed to see her.
When Dot finally climbed into the car Toni took a deep breath and said, in a much calmer tone, "I'm sorry Dot, I promise I'm fine now I just need to see Shelby."
Dot sighed, "Okay, but next time we have a deep conversation, we are having it a few metres away from my personal property." Dot chuckled but cut off immediately she she took in the state of the car, Toni and herself. "Toni what did you do? There is blood everywhere!"
Dot frantically grabbed Toni and searched for the wound, finally finding a variety of open cuts and scrapes on her knuckles. Toni hardly felt them, but she didn't realise the damage she had done earlier.
A wave of embarrassment coursed through her when her mind cleared and she came to the realisation that she had pathetically broken down once again. Slowly, little by little, she was completely losing her grip on control. She knew she could handle Carol, she just needed everyone else to leave her alone. She'd dealt with people like Carol all her life. She's dealt with people much worse than Carol. People who snuck into her room late at night with wandering hands and low inhibitions, people who left her to fend for herself when she wasn't old enough to reach the kitchen cupboards, and grown men that would beat her, ten times worse than Carol.
The only difference between her current situation and what she had managed before, was that people knew. She was so, so close to being free from the system that had only ever helped her once. Maybe if she could just contain the knowledge of her home life to Shelby and Dot then things could go back to normal and she could tolerate her life for two more years. Just two more years.
Toni absolutely needed to talk to Shelby.
"It's nothing," Toni whispered, peeling Dot's hands away from her. "I'm sorry about freaking out." She wasn't looking in a mirror but she could tell that her cheeks were bright red with embarrassment.
"Wait, are you embarrassed? Don't be embarrassed! I'm just worried about you."
"I just need no one else to find out about this and it feels like the harder I try to keep everything under wraps the worse it gets. Like quick sand, but in reverse." She tried to explain. "Can you please just take me to see Shelby?"
Dot looks almost pained as she said, "No."
Taken aback Toni responded, "What do you mean no? It's on the way."
"I think you should go home, sort out your knuckles, and chill out for a minute. She only told me, and by the way she was talking, she only intended to tell me. Maybe she thought I already knew or something. We don't know so don't jump down her throat about it yet. Just give it some time."
"Dot, I can't risk it. If Martha found out-"
"Toni-" Dot started before Toni interrupted her.
"I need to sort this out," Toni refuted apologetically, "I'm sorry, I'm gonna walk."
Reaching out, Toni gave Dot's and a squeeze and then exited the car. Before she could close the door Dot called out, "Toni I don't think-" she hesitated, "I don't know how to help you."
Toni shook her head slightly, hoping to alleviate some of the guilt she felt for getting Dot involved. It didn't work. "I know. It's okay. I never should have put this all on you to begin with. Don't worry I will sort it out, I always do." She shut the car door and jogged off before Dot could respond.
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Toni felt a sense of deja vu standing outside Shelby's bedroom window. Images of yesterday flashed through her mind; Shelby shivering against the cold with a tear stained face waiting to be let in, wearing Toni's clothes, kissing her, Fuck.
The window wasn't cracked open like it was the other night and the curtains were drawn but she could hear faint music coming from inside so Toni knocked quietly. The music suddenly stopped playing. After a moment of no movement from inside the room Toni knocked louder.
Fuck this, she thought after a few moments. Either Shelby had suddenly gone deaf overnight or she was ignoring her. As much as Toni wanted to avoid Shelby's homophobic parents, she decided to go for the nuclear option. Maybe not nuclear, but risky. She rounded the house and gave the front door a few firm knocks.
"Hello?" Mr Goodkind said as he opened the door, looking Toni up and down. "Oh, I remember you! Come in."
Toni hid her bloody hands in her jacket pockets and followed Mr Goodkind in the house. "Is Shelby in? We talked about working on the science project today."
"Yep!" He responded jovially, "Just upstairs; you remember."
"Thanks" Toni replied, surprised at how painless that whole interaction had been. She took off her shoes and bolted up the stairs, in hopes of avoiding any further conversation.
Forgetting to knock, Toni burst into Shelby's room.
A small scream filled the air and she immediately put her hands over her eyes. "I'm so sorry I forgot to knock," Toni shouted and at the same time Shelby cried, "Didn't anyone ever teach you to knock?"
Silence fell over the room. Shelby broke it after a moment, "I wasn't naked Toni you can take your hands off of your eyes." Toni didn't even need to see to sense that Shelby was rolling her eyes at her.
"Sorry yeah." Toni uncovered her eyes. "Better safe than sorry," she mumbled.
She had come to Shelby's room raging, but now, standing in front of her, she felt awkward. She could see the coat and hat that she loaned Shelby the other day draped over the vanity chair. Shelby was lying in bed under the covers with her computer on her lap. The Notebook was written across the paused screen. Of course Shelby liked romantic films. Sometimes that girl was so predictable and other times Toni just had no idea what was going on in her mind.
"What are you doing here?" Shelby asked, snapping her from her thoughts.
"Why did you tell Dot. Especially after I specifically told you not to tell anyone. You promised actually. Surely there is something in the bible for that kind of thing, 'thou shall keep another person's fucking secrets' or something along those lines?"
Shelby bristled at that. "I am a person beyond my religion you know. I make decisions that I think are right and telling Dot was one of them. If I was wrong then that's between me and God."
"No. It would be between you and me. It's not God's life that you could ruin with these decisions. It's mine."
Shelby softened slightly, "I thought she already knew- that day in the bathroom... I'm sorry."
So Dot was right. Of course. Toni was still pissed at Shelby for even risking it, but much less so. Toni sat down on the bed, ignoring the way Shelby stiffened and shifted away slightly. "I really don't understand you Shelby. I actually want to get along with you because I need to ace this project to get back on the team, but every time I think you are a halfway decent person you immediately prove me wrong." Shelby looked down and played with her fingernails uncomfortably but Toni carried on, "Don't tell anyone else about Carol and don't say anymore homophobic shit and we will be fine. You think you can handle that? Two pretty simple requests."
"Okay," Shelby muttered. It was barely a whisper but Toni heard it.
Toni got up off the bed, her hands still firmly tucked in her pockets. Before she left she turned around. "Just so you know, I don't forgive you for the shit you said. Just in case you started feeling a little less guilty." She grabbed her coat and hat off the chair and left without another word.