"In a room full of thousands, Kaz Brekker was the first and only person she'd look for. "
"Look at the stars, Natasha."
The young shadow summoner awoke with a gasp, her palms upturned. Darkness flickered like the flames of a candle. She crawled up onto her knees, the grass staining the stockings that curved around her slender legs.
"What stars, Kaz?"
She twisted her head around to the boy beside her. His jaw was sharp like the edge of a privateer's blade in the low hanging light of the moon. He kept his gloved palms tucked beneath his head. Kaz's smile was grim, he didn't smile much after the death of his brother, but his eyes were fond.
"The stars in the sky, you idiot,"
He motioned up towards the night with his elbow, lying back in the grass. She stuck out her tongue, shifting closer to his side.
He smelt like the earth - cold, smoky and fresh, but maybe that was just the scent of the dirt they were lazing beneath. Nevertheless, she liked it. Simply because it was him.
The side of her head grazed his clothed shoulder; they both stared up at the stars in silence, watching the balls of light streak across the sky before fading away with gentle bursts.
"They're beautiful," she breathed.
Natasha turned her head, her nose almost brushing against the nape of his neck. From her view, she could see the perfect slope of his nose and the edged brush of his jaw - 'so many things to pick from,' she thought, smiling to herself internally.
"What are you staring at?" Kaz sulked. He nudged her shoulder, pointing up to another star racing across the darkness. "The stars are up there, Van Doren, not on my lips," He pressed two tender fingertips beneath her chin, the leather warming her skin.
"Look up," he said. A red flush bit at Natasha's dark cheeks as she turned back towards the sky, watching a drizzle of stars scatter through the misty sky of Ketterdam.
"Jordie would always take me star-gazing," he hummed, his chin resting against the bone of her shoulder. He had turned onto his side, their lips inches apart.
She could feel the heat of his breath against her cheek, lighting her skin in flames. He's just a friend, Natasha repeated in her mind. Kaz went on about his trips with Jordie. "Natasha, are you listening?" His brow furrowed as he shook his hand across her face.
"Yeah," she mumbled, her voice shaking. "Definitely listening."
___
"VAN DOREN, ARE YOU LISTENING?"
Kaz Brekker was shaking a hand across her face, his lips screwed into an annoyed grimace. The crows had trekked into the very bowels of Hellgate, sweeping down an infinite amount of staircases.
She had even managed to fall back behind Nina Zenic, who was a scowling mess of flushed cheeks and perspiring brows. "These steps will kill me before the Frejdans can," she protested, moving past Inej with heavy footsteps.
Natasha shook out her shoulders, the silks playing across her skin. "Yeah," her words were a rasp, barely louder than a mumble. Her voice shook, her throat desperate for water. "I definitely heard all the details of this new master plan of yours, Brekker."
Kaz glowered, shifting his crow cane between his palms. The leather became sticky, sweat rolling down the length of his fingers in broken beads.
"It was a mistake bringing you," Kaz scoffed, a hand curling around her elbow. He dragged her down the length of the final staircase, scowling softly beneath his breath. They both dropped the final step with a loud bang, enough to stoke the attraction of two prison guards.
Nina and Inej had walked forth with the rest of the crowd, craning their heads every few moments to catch sight of what was happening. Natasha watched the back of their heads fade away into the crowd.
Despite Kaz by her side, she felt awfully alone.
"Any trouble folks?" The two men had begun to pace forth, the oily barrels of their guns gleaming in the candle lamps. Natasha could feel Kaz's bone pinch into the skin of her elbow. His eyes were hooded - calculating what to do next.
"Kiss me." He said suddenly and resolutely - shutting his eyes to prepare himself for the dreaded moment.
Her breath skipped what felt like several lifetimes. "What?" She hissed back.
Natasha's eyes darted between the approaching men and the clouded stare of Kaz's Brekker's eyes. A bitter storm rose behind his dark irises, his lips slightly apart to counter the ragged heave of his chest - 'She isn't Jordie' he tried to convince himself. 'And if you don't kiss her you'll miss out on thirty million kruge,'
"You heard me, I said kiss me." Kaz Brekker repeated not daring to speak any louder than a whisper. His skin had began breaking out into a sweat as he dragged himself closer, his breath caressing against her freckled cheek before spinning up into the air.
Natasha felt frozen, her feet rooted to the concrete. She had begun parting her lips to speak when he spun her around by the elbow, catching her by the waist. "You can't do anything by yourself, can you?" he whispered, pressing his lips hard against hers.
His elbow dug harder into her side, a stinging reminder that this kiss was nothing more than a distraction. Her smile turned sour, their lips stuck like a rock against one another. This wasn't the kiss she had imagined growing up. What she felt now was nothing like the fireworks her friends had described.
This just felt... wrong.
The guards turned away with mumbled grunts and talk of young couples not being able to control themselves in public. As soon as they had turned the corner, Kaz pushed her away roughly. He rubbed his flushed lips with the back of his glove, spitting harshly onto the concrete beside her feet.
"Was this that master plan of yours, Kaz?" Natasha asked faintly, her hand across her mouth.
When he turned back around to face her, his face was firm, eyes still blank. "That didn't mean anything, Van Doren," he said simply, spinning his cane around his palm before striding forth without another word.
She tripped on her feet in a daze, the rock lining the walls, burrowing into the flesh of her palms. Her mind spun like the thread of a spindle, Natasha had lost control. She blinked several times, her eyelashes, the fluttering wings of a dazed butterfly.
Natasha sniffed back a desperate sob, thumbing the pockets beneath her eyes and following after Kaz. She could make out the top of his hat through the crowd, jutting out like a lone ship at sea.
That's how fast she could catch him out. In a room full of thousands, Kaz Brekker was the first and only person she'd look for. But what hurt the most, was knowing that he wouldn't look for her.... he'd go for Inej maybe. And the worst part was, she couldn't blame Kaz.
Natasha had abandoned him. After their night at the bank, she had grabbed her things and left; after a few months, she registered under the Kerch government as dead - lost at sea.
Kaz Brekker hadn't mourned the loss of his best friend. Didn't arrange a funeral, didn't even shed a single tear. But her assumed death had birthed the phrase "No mourners, no funerals." He had told his crows that it was the lowest passing of good luck a thief could trade.
However, the phrase meant so much more. It was hope.
Hope that she was alive. Kaz Brekker didn't mourn because he knew she was still out there. That Natasha Van Doren would come back for him. He didn't cry because he knew she'd always return. And when she had, through his hatred, he knew it was all worth it.
The phrase was passed between the group, nestled in an alcove. A yellow-toothed guard had pushed the four up onto a stone ledge. Their feet almost about to slip over the edge. Natasha twisted away from Kaz's, moving to stand beside Nina.
Natasha could hear Nina's heart rate quicken, the painful lump in her chest beating sluggishly alongside hers. She couldn't bear to look up at Kaz, his eyes trained at the competition below. Natasha couldn't care to follow the hisses and boos of the crowd around her, she already felt sick enough.
"You alright? you look pale." Nina's voice whispered. She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her veil, staring up at Natasha with thoughtful eyes.
"Fine," Natasha responded, an excruciating smile on her lips. She could still feel his lips on hers, the hard twist of his mouth refusing to properly kiss her. Natasha spat hard onto the floor, cursing the very existence of Kaz Brekker.
"Bad taste in my mouth, that's all."
Her silvered eyes turned to meet his, his head perking as she spoke. She almost wanted to say a flicker of insecurity washed through his features, but she was certain, it was just a trick of the light. It was what made the darkness so comforting. It could swallow her whole, yet still, play the tricks of her own game.
A/N
-I'm aware of Kaz's haphephobia, however throughout the story, including the sequel, Natasha and Kaz's past relationship and friendships makes her somewhat tolerable to be around. I'll go into more detail throughout the rest of the chapters, but Kaz's phobia is still regarded and will not go overlooked. if you enjoyed, remember to vote and comment!
- rosa <3