Confidence was an issue I never had to worry about before. I used to be confident, in my own right, and one of the main reasons for that was Elliot. He used to give me the confidence I lacked and always built me back up when I was feeling low.
He wiped every tear, he replaced my sobs with laughter, he turned my frown upside down, he brought back the twinkle in my eye when it started to dim. He was always there, helping me when I felt low.
After he left me, my confidence plummeted like someone sky diving without the parachute. I fell and with no parachute, with no Elliot, I smacked the ground with brute force, shattering it once and for all.
London has got to be, arguably, one of my favourite places that I've ever visited -it's not like I've visited a lot either.
We had spent the last two days in London, sight seeing and exploring every part of the capital city that we could: London eye, Trafalgar Square, Camden Market, Buckingham Palace, Hyde Park, London Bridge.
I was in awe, the beauty of London astounded me. Everywhere we went was different, some majestic and beautiful, some historical and some quirky and hipster.
Skyscrapers that resembled giants, glass buildings reflecting the low sun, sending streams of orange, red, purple and yellow across the sky. The River Thames curved and meandered through the man-made forest made of glass and brick, wide and deep, flowing confidently as swans, ducks and boats floated atop peacefully, the firetruck red buses, chatter, sirens, barking, daily hustling, traffic light beeping disrupting them.
The whole city was a mass of people in a hurry, hustling and bustling with their everyday lives, scrummaging like rats among the streets of the most populated city in England. It was everyone for themselves, a non violent version of the Hunger Games; business men and women not caring who they push or shove.
It was beautiful.
The late winter breeze kissed my cheeks, caressing them with it's numbing touch. Clouds decorated the sky like puffs, fluffy and yellow from the colours painted across the setting sky. The wind blew through the lifeless trees, then ruffling in agitation from being awoken by their slumber, their skeletal branches shaking and creaking.
"How much further?" I mumble, pulling my long sleeves over my hands to stop the evening bitter wind blasting me and causing my fingers to be amputated.
The sun had retired and darkness started descending on the city, chasing away any remaining light that tried to remain.
"Not long.... we're here." He grins down at me. Pressing his hand to the small of my back, he guided us through the black doors of the dark building on the corner of a street.
A slither of fear races down my spine, a shiver following as I look down the dark street, not a lamppost in sight to brighten the shadows. My fear melts away, shock and awe washing it away as we step in to the dark room, LED lights bright along the walls, tables decorating the floor and a large stage where a couple were singing.
A karaoke bar.
"We're watching karaoke?" I glance up at him in confusion, watching the couple sing loudly and off key but laughing nonetheless.
They looked happy.
"No... well yes I guess we are but we're not just watching." His answer made my eyes widen.
"You-You want me to sing?" I stutter, my heart pounding.
Grinning, he wiggles his eyebrows and normally I would have tried to suppress my smile but all I could think about was the crowd of men and women staring up at the stage where Jackson wanted me to be.
I couldn't do that.
"Yep." His grin never wavered at my obvious anxiousness.
"Nope."
He chuckles, gripping my hand and tugging me to a free round table and sitting me down. "I'm going to get the cards and we're going to choose what the others going to sing without telling or showing the other. Surprise karaoke."
He reappeared not even two minutes later a couple of pieces of small rectangular cards and pens, sitting beside me and handing over my card and pen.
I watch him writing his song choice for me, not touching the paper. Sighing, he folds the paper in half and turned to me.
"This will be fun."
"This will be scary."
He chuckles again. "Everything is scary before you do it. You wingwalked hundreds of feet up in the air and we bungee jumped off a bridge and yet you're scared to do this?"
"I was terrified doing both those things." I defend lowly.
"But you did it. Life is scary. Everything is scary until it's not anymore. It's okay to be scared, with fear comes bravery and confidence. You just got to overcome your fears and keep going. You can do this." His words dig deep, ringing in my ear. "Plus... if it's any conciliation, I'm also going to be embarrassing myself. We'll both be scared together and we'll both be brave together."
Together.
Why did that sound so good?
"Okay." My lips curve up a tiny bit as I picked up the pen and wrote down the song I wanted him to do and his name. I smirk at my suggestion and folded up the card.
He went to give our cards in while I stayed in my seat, watching the next person perform and sing. They were good.
It wasn't long until my name was called. My stomach dropped and anxious butterflies erupted like a volcano, swarming and raging as I walked on the stage and stood in front of the microphone stand.
The music started and a glare fixated on my face at the upbeat tune.
"Clock strikes upon the hour and the sun begins to fade..." I sing quietly, my heart pounding in my chest. "Still enough time to figure out how to chase the blues away..."
By the chorus the fear had faded. My heart pounded from the adrenaline instead and I started feeling it more, getting in to it until I wasn't like a statue on the stage, too scared to move. I was moving across the stage, some sort of dance I had constructed and singing loudly in to the microphone, laughing and smiling internally when some of the watchers stood up and joined in, singing along with me.
They weren't laughing at me or judging me. They were joining me.
"So... Good good good good good?" Jackson asked once I sat down at the table again, panting and smiling.
"Maybe." I turned away from him and his contagious grin. My smile straightened out at the sight of two new people at the table, one with dark skin and dyed platinum hair in the style of an afro and the other with straight blue.
"Oh yea sorry." He smiled apologetically. "This is Aaliyah-" he pointed to the one with platinum hair "-and Jenny..." the one with blue hair "-this is Elizabeth, my friend and the person I kidnapped. They're joining us for the evening, there's no more tables here and I offered them to join us." I waved shyly at the two women holding hands and they both smiled widely in return.
The four of us conversed for a few minutes -meaning I listened to Jackson and them talk- before his name was called for karaoke and he left the three of us alone.
I smirked when the music to 'Wannabe' started and Jackson sent me a fake glare before positioning himself in a dramatic pose and started singing extravagantly.
"If you want my future, forget my past..." he points straight at me with a smirk and a wink "If you wanna to get with me better make it fast..."
The smile never left my face, I couldn't stop my lips twitching upwards and the laugh that erupted when he shimmied and strutted around the stage, swaying his hips and popping out his ass.
His song finished and he ran back to us with a grin on his face demanding one of us sing a duet with him. Jenny jumped up, grabbing his hand and racing back to the stage where they started singing 'You're the one that I want'
"Jackson told me about your brother..."
Instantly, like someone had flipped a switch, my smile drops. Why would he do that?
"I know you're probably angry with him for telling us-" angry doesn't cover it "-but I'm glad he did because... I lost my little sister about ten years ago now."
I glance at the platinum haired woman a couple seats away from me. "You lost your sister?"
She smiled sadly. "Yes. Car crash. I was driving." She looks up at the stage where her girlfriend stood singing. "I know the guilt and the regret... I know how it feels to blame yourself and no matter how much we tell ourselves that it was our fault, no matter how much guilt we feel, it's not going to bring them back. Nothing will bring them back."
"I know." I whisper, gritting my teeth and feeling the guilt wash over me like a tidal wave.
Nothing will ever bring Elliot back.
"I was depressed after she died... for years I hated myself and life, tried killing myself god knows how many times but I failed time and time again." She continued lowly.
She tried killing herself?
"Are you still...?" I swallowed the lump in my throat, scared of the answer.
She smiles again, this one a happier one, lighting up her face. "No. I'm still sad, I still miss her but I've moved on. It wasn't my fault."
Could that be me? Could I move on from Elliot's death?
"How...?"
She glances at me briefly before turning back to the stage. "That girl up there." I followed her gaze to the blue haired girl singing her heart out along with Jackson. "Jenny helped me see that I could be happy, she helped me move on and she gave me her unconditional support. I went to therapy sessions, I still go, and I got my life back together. She gave me the motivation to do it because before her I saw nothing; no hope, no future, no happiness. But then she came along and helped me see. I'm not saying she cured or fixed me... no, if she left I would be heartbroken but I would be okay. She just helped me out of that dark hole. I stand on my own two feet, by myself, but she's standing next to me."
She was depressed, she was like me, wanting to die but she escaped. It took her a while but she survived the never-ending darkness that entraps me. Maybe it wasn't never-ending like I thought it was, maybe I just needed some kind of light to push me and to motivate me to get out.
And looking up at the stage... staring at the dark blonde haired rugby player who whisked me all around the country, making me laugh and smile when I didn't want to or know how to, and making me feel things I didn't think was possible anymore... I think I found that motivation.
"I know how it feels to want to die, to want the pain to stop..." My eyes find hers. I bite my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. "But there is so much more in the world than pain and suffering and depression. You're not alone. You just need to... want to live. You need to want to be happy again and you need to strive for it. Elliot wouldn't have wanted you to die just like I knew Yasmin wouldn't have wanted me to either."
The thing with suicide is that it's seen as selfish and the people that call it selfish are the people that have never had so much as a suicidal thought in their life. They are the people whose minds don't hate and attack them for no reason and they are the people who don't know real pain.
You don't know pain until you're lying awake at night covering your mouth while crying so no one hears you. You cry and then walk out with a smile on your face so no one can see your tears.
Crying silently is pain.
Suicide is selfish but how much pain is enough until we're finally able to give up?
Physical pain is understood, we try and treat it: a scraped knee, stomach pains, a head injury, a broken arm. Mental, emotional pain is something not everyone understands because not everyone has been through it. We cry because we're in pain but what happens when the pain is inside your head and heart?
We bury it and keep covering it up. I bury it and keep covering it up. But I didn't want to keep it buried anymore.
The bravest thing we could ever do is continue to live when we want to die.
I was brave and I was going to continue being brave.
"I love embarrassing myself." Jackson panted with a grin, reaching over the table and highfiving Jenny.
"It was fun." She grinned back. "We should all do one. A group one."
I roll my lips in to my mouth as I reach under the table and entwine mine and Jackson's hands together, ignoring his wide eyes that snap to stare at me in shock. I need the courage. "I will only sing 'I want it that way'."
Jenny smiles widely and nods. "The backstreet boys are the way to go. I like your thinking Lizzy -wait can I call you Lizzy?"
I feel Jackson's concerned gaze on me and warmth spreads through me when me squeezes my hand tightly in his, showing his support silently. The warmth from his actions diminishes the rising pain and fire that installed itself in me whenever anything to do with Elliot was mentioned. But I had to move on. I had to stop letting his death control my life, I had to stop letting the depression consume me.
"Lizzy is okay." I clear my throat when my voice breaks and I bite the inside of my cheek when a sharp ache strikes my chest.
The rest of the night passes quickly with many songs being sung by Jackson and Jenny and a couple group ones which were pretty fun. What surprised me the most was I enjoyed spending time with the two women Jackson had befriended. They were fun and kind, joking around and getting drunk. Their relationship was beautiful and healthy and I could tell just from their eyes how much they loved each other.
"If you ever come to London or we go to Cornwall then we have to meet up, right?" Drunk Jenny pleaded. "We have to see each other again and we have to stay friends. I drank from your glass of water. That basically means we're bonded for life."
A small laugh escapes me. A real one. "We're bonded for life Jenny, we sung backstreet boys together. That means we're practically related. We'll see each other again. We have each others numbers."
She clicks her fingers. "Oh backstreet boys! Only one of them could turn me straight." I laugh at her comment. "But yes! We do have each others numbers!"
Aaliyah wraps her arm around her girlfriends waist and Jenny leans in to her. "We have to see them again, right A?"
"That's right Jen." Aaliyah smiles softly.
"We'll see you guys soon." Jackson grinned at the two of them, throwing his arm over my shoulder.
I wave at the two of them as they sat in the taxi and it drove out of sight.
"Shall we run away again?" Jackson glances down at me.
"Let's run for the rest of our lives." I smile up at him.
A small frown breaks out on his face before it vanishes a moment later, a smile taking over so quickly that I thought I imagined it. "Deal."
Looking back on it... I wish I asked what that frown was about.