"You are what you do, not what you say you'll do." -Nicole Bernard-Bradley
The best piece of advice someone once gave me is, some things are better left unknown. I always thought this was completely inaccurate. Wouldn't you want to know everything no matter how terrible it is?
Well, I thought it was dumb until today. Today marks the day I do not want to know every single piece of information there is. Instead of something, the quote should say most things.
I say this because the look on Natalie's face when I caught her doing the one thing she was shielding me from made me want to run. The darkness behind her eyes. The bulging veins in her neck, covered in someone else's blood.
Today was Natalie's day with me. She had to do something and she let me drive like usual. She told me she was gonna be quick, but a quick errand turned into three hours alone in a smoldering hot car.
Natalie came running out of the rusted metal doors on the old brick building I was parked outside of. She was covered in something I can only describe from the copper smell. Blood. Gut retching blood. Blood of another human.
Natalie came running into the car and I think she completely forgot it was me driving. She slammed the passenger door behind her and looked over to me. She wasn't frowning. She wasn't in disgust of herself. She was smirking.
I couldn't tell you the amount of fear that ran threw my body knowing my best friend just murder someone while I was outside waiting to drive the get away car. I was fine with the guys and Ryleigh, but Natalie?
I slammed on the pedal of course, to get her away from the sirens that were slowly approaching us. I couldn't let her get caught, right? She's my best friend. She, I don't know.
I got us back to the casino as fast as I could. The minute I parked, Natalie ran inside the casino with tears filling her eyes. I couldn't bring myself to say anything to her that whole ride back.
I mean, I was speechless. But now she left me in my own car which was now covered in someone else's blood. Someone else's fucking blood. My fucking car. And it's from my fucking best friend.
I ran out of my car and slammed the door. I dropped to the floor and ran my fingers through my hair. I couldn't tell you how I was feeling right now. I was kind of betrayed because I had asked her about this and she would always avoid the question.
But on the other hand, I was more upset that she never told me about this. I'm probably just in shock because the most stressful thing right now is the blood on my car seat.
"Kennedy." A faint british voice was heard from behind me. I knew exactly who it was, but I wasn't budging.
"Kennedy, come on. We need to talk." Harry. It was Harry. Harry lowered himself to my level and sighed.
"No. I-. My best friend just got into my car with a smirk after murdering and didn't even try to explain." I gulped back tears. Surprisingly, the fact that she killed someone wasn't the problem here.
"Kennedy. Let me talk to you inside." Harry held his hand out for me to take, but I just looked at him.
His eyebrows were furrowed and he looked sad. He locked his eyes on mine, trying to search through them for answers. I bit my lips and looked down to his hand. I was afraid that if I took it, I could never let it go.
"It's not even the fact she murdered someone Harry. It's the fact she hid this part of her from me." I spoke knowing damn well this was way to open of a place for a discussion like this.
"Please Kennedy, let's talk inside." Harry moved his hand closer and this time, I took it.
I intertwined our fingers. I didn't care if this made him uncomfortable, he was the only source of comfort I was getting right now. Harry let out a sigh of relief and stood up. I stood up beside him and kept our hands tight together.
He didn't give me any signs he was uncomfortable, which made me feel a bit better. I looked back at my blood stained car as we slowly walked towards the casino. It made my shiver, which made Harry stop and look back at my car. He pulled his lips to the side.
"I'll have it cleaned." Harry whispered close to my ear. I nodded in response and began to walk again.
When we reached the door, Harry tried to untangle our fingers. I kept my grip hard on his hand. He looked down in between us and just nodded. He opened the door with his back instead and led us into the casino.
It was dark and empty like usual. Niall and Louis were talking by the bar and quickly looked at me when they noticed me. They had their own sad faces on, but you can tell it wasn't genuine.
Harry led me to the basement and into the room we first met in. It was the same. Plain couch and boring walls and all that. Harry sat down on the couch to which I sat down too.
"Can I go pour us some drinks?" Harry asked in a gentle voice. I tightened my grip on his hand, I really didn't want to let go.
Harry nodded and sat back on the couch.
This is the most gentle I've ever seen him. Is it because of me? Am I the reason he's being so gentle? Does he actually have emotions that I don't know about?
"I don't care that she killed someone. That's not the part I'm shocked at. I'm shocked that she had to keep this from me. That she couldn't trust me and she lied to me." I looked over to Harry who was staring at the wall.
I didn't even realize he wasn't wearing a suit for once. As I trailed my eyes down his torso, I genuinely smiled at the black tucked in shirt and white trousers he had picked to wear today. I took a few seconds to try and admire the hundreds of tattoos on display on his arms.
"I have never met a girl who is more upset that their best friend lied to them then finding out they kill people." Harry snickered and looked down to me. I was still looking up and down his torso.
"Kennedy." Natalie's voice was faint and crackly. She sounded like she was about to cry.
I darted my eyes to her. She had a new outfit on and still had some dried blood on her arm and neck. I gripped Harry's hand looking at her. He didn't wince at the sudden incline in pressure.
"You lied." I spoke through my now gritting teeth. I couldn't bear the sight of her right now.
"K, I know. But, I had to. I had to keep you safe." Natalie started to walk closer to me but I moved closer to Harry.
Harry moved a little to show his presence. I mean, I was using him as a shield against her right now. This is probably killing him to not do something or be rude to us.
"Protect me from what?" I felt my voice starting to raise. She was starting to make me angry.
"This life! This horrible life! I wanted to keep you from Harry and I's lifestyle." Natalie looked over to Harry who gave her a keep me out of this look.
"I can make choices on my own. I can decide what's safe and what's not for myself." I let go of Harry's hand and stood up.
"You don't know what this life does to people. I thought not telling you would be safer for you and me." Natalie cleared her throat, trying to hold back tears. I wasn't anywhere near sad, I was fucking fuming.
"Yea, maybe I don't. But if you could have told me maybe I could decide for myself!" I stepped closer to her but felt a hand on my abdomen.
Harry stood up in between us. He looked pissed. Why would he be pissed? Nothing happened to him.
"Natalie, another room. Now. And you, sit and calm down. I can see smoke coming from your ears." Harry rolled his eyes and pushed Natalie to the other room. She unwillingly obliged.
I collapsed to the couch and pouted. She's acting like I'm included in this. Like it's my fault she had to keep it from me. If it included me, I have every right to know.
I looked over to see the door to the next room slightly cracked. I knew I shouldn't do this, but I slowly got up and pushed myself against the wall beside the door so I could hear them. I moved so I could see Natalie and Natalie only.
"Am I wrong here Harry? Am I wrong? I was keeping this from her for a fucking reason! She's not prepared or ready! She can't know yet!" Natalie slammed her hands on the table with a groan.
"Why can't you just tell her the truth? I'm the one who told you to keep it from her. She would understand because she doesn't even know half the shit I've been keeping. She knows I'm secretive." Harry's voice was strained and annoyed. I bet he was the last person to want to deal with this.
"Family protects family. I would never throw you under the bus, even for something simple like this." Natalie gulped back more tears and threw her head back in defeat.
Did she just call him family?
"Well, I'm giving you permission to throw me under the bus. It won't matter, she already hates me guts cause I'm a piece of shit. I made it that way." Harry sounded like he was dead serious about thinking I hate him.
"Are you that fucking blind?! She has a crush on you idiot! Someone who hates you wouldn't hold your hand and use you as a fucking shield against me, her best fucking friend. God, you can be so fucking stupid some times! That's also another reason I won't throw you under the bus!" Natalie ran her fingers through her long blonde hair eagerly, trying more than anything to soothe herself.
"The reason I'm not doing anything either is to protect her to wise ass. I'd prefer if she hated me, it would make it way fucking easier. So just, blame it on me. It's not like you're lying." Harry's annoyance was turning into anger.
"Even if I did tell her that Harry, I still lied. She asked me about it and I said no. I still lied. It wouldn't make a difference." Natalie pulled up a chair and sat down in it and crossed her arms over her chest.
"This is the last fucking thing I wanted to do today. You know, I could be really mean and tell you how you should of been more careful and not of been so fucking sloppy. Or I can let you think about this and deal with it yourself. I don't fucking care, you chose." Harry was now standing in front of Natalie with his hands on his hips.
"I'll deal with it myself. And Harry, I can't do those types of errands again. I'm not as trained as you guys. I tried." Natalie lowered her voice into more of an apologetic tone.
"I won't let you do those errands again. I know you're in no place to be reprimanded right now but you were reckless. You should have known who was in the car and who you were dealing with. I also asked you to come out clean." Harry turned around and locked his eyes on mine.
I gulped and felt every muscle in my body freeze. He knows I've been listening this whole time now, I'm so fucked. But, instead of coming towards me, he turned around to listen to Natalie.
What was he doing?
"They threatened me, I had too. I didn't even kill him. I just stabbed him since he put his hands on me." Natalie seemed genuine when she said she hadn't killed the person she hurt.
Well that's comforting.
"This is a warning Natalie. Something like that happens again and you'll have major consequences." Harry cleared his throat and gestured his head towards me. Was that towards me too?
"I know, I'm sorry I fucked up. Now, can I go and clear my head for the day? I'll talk to Kennedy later." Natalie stood up from her seat and looked up to Harry with zero emotion.
"Go." Harry ordered.
Natalie nodded and made her way up the stairs without looking back. Harry then turned around and rubbed his temple.
"Come on out Kennedy, I know you were listening." Harry pointed his pointer finger at me and inched me closer.
I sighed and walked out from the crack in the door. Harry groaned and shook his head at me.
"Harry I-"
"That warning was for you too." Harry interrupted, stepping closer to me. I didn't flinch.
"I should regret it, but I don't." I said confidently. I know these words could get me killed. But I didn't care.
"You shouldn't have been listening, it was a private conversation." Harry's voice got deep.
"Then why did Natalie purposely leave the door open?" I crossed my arms in front of my chest.
I know Natalie did that for a reason. If she couldn't tell me the truth directly, she knew she could tell Harry. She doesn't wanna completely keep me in the dark and she definitely feels bad. I got that from their conversation.
"Ken-"
"I don't need protecting. I'm not some little kid who thinks the world is all unicorns and rainbows. I think I can use common sense to know that this isn't just a casino. And if you're gonna keep fighting me on what I should know or not, then I'm giving in. I'm putting my trust in you to tell me everything I need to hear when it's time for me to hear it." I was being one hundred percent truthful. I was done fighting him.
Harry didn't have anything to say back to that. All he could do was nod and stare into my eyes. Looking at him made it that much harder to not blurt out how much hearing him admit he likes me made me so fucking happy.
"Just, go for the day. You and Ryleigh are watching the casino tomorrow. Wear something nice." Harry turned away from me and flexed his shoulder blades. He was holding something back.
"Okay. Goodbye Harry, and thank you." I whispered the best I could in his ear and hurried up the stairs before he could answer back.
The funny thing through all of this is how fast everything had happened. You'd think that I would hate him more than I would like him, but it was quite the opposite.
I knew I couldn't hate him. There was something about his rudeness that makes me think he's mean to everyone for protection. He's not actually mean, that's a persona.
Something happened to Harry that made him that way. If you look deep enough into his eyes, you can see the sweet little boy behind there. I mean, I'm just assuming.
I haven't known him all that long but the way he looks at me or Natalie can prove it. He doesn't want to harm us or be rude, he wants to be gentle. But he can't, it's a weakness.
I get it. I'm like that a bit too. Except, I put on a soft exterior to make people think I'm sweet and innocent. Another thing my dad taught me. Always expect the unexpected.
I don't think I could stand the sight or smell of my car right now so I decided to walk home. It wasn't far so I took this time to collect some thoughts. I seem to collect my thoughts best while doing something.
Natalie. I get where Natalie's coming from, but it hurts. It hurts that she thinks I'm not capable of taking on this information. I mean, she knows almost everything about me.
She's either stupid or shielding herself from the truth. I know what that life is, my dad's friends had that life. The life of doing illegal things. Granted, I wasn't supposed to know. But I still knew.
I'm mad at myself for not being an outlet for her to talk to. I can take the crime and hate and help her. I would never personally do it, but I would totally help her cope with it.
I remember the many nights my dad's friends came home drunk out of their minds in need of my dad's help. He would be there for them, help them and make them feel better.
I wanna do that for Natalie. Yes, I was gonna make her pay for the cleaning of my car but otherwise I wasn't mad anymore. I was just upset. I think that me eavesdropping though was the best decision of my life.
I got back to my apartment a little before sundown and collapsed straight onto the couch. I was so worn out from everything that happened today, I just wanted to sleep.
But, there was a knock on my door. The last thing I want is a human interaction right now, but there were more knocks. They grew more and more eager every time a new knock came.
I pushed myself off of my couch and shuffled over to the door. When I opened it, Natalie was standing in tears. She looked terrible. Her bloodshot green eyes met mine.
"I'm so sorry K." Natalie cried out, rushing into my apartment and crawling onto my couch.
I locked the door and walked over to her on the couch. This was very abrupt, she looked fine leaving the casino.
"Please forgive me K, your all I have." Natalie watched as I sat down silently beside her.
Well that's not completely true but, I'll go with it.
"I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed." I took her hand and laid it in mine. I didn't mean for her to be this upset.
"Were you listening through the door?" Natalie sounded like she was on her last dying breath.
"Yea, I did. I heard everything." I pulled my lips to the side and pushed a piece of her hair behind her ear.
"I'm so sorry Kennedy. I was stupid and reckless and I just should of been more careful." Natalie pulled my hand closer to her and cupped the top of it. I felt so disconnected and I don't know why.
"You were. But, I get where you're coming from. I just need you to know that I'm not a child. I can take it. You don't need to protect me Nat." I moved closer to her and pulled her in for a hug.
Natalie wrapped her arms tightly around my body and nuzzled her head in my neck. I patted her shoulder in support.
"I know that now. I'll never hide anything from you ever again. I fucked up and I'm sorry." Natalie's voice was muffled as she spoke into my shirt. She was so broken and I felt so bad.
"As long as you know you fucked up. I forgive you." I rubbed my hand up and down her back to soothe her.
I feel like maybe I should be the one in this state, but Natalie was always so much more emotional than me. Like, when my dad died, she cried more than I did. But she was crying for me.
I was pretty numb and didn't go through grief until a few months after he was gone. I really cried about him when I went to call him for advice and I was hit with automatic voice mail.
"I didn't know Harry was gonna confess like that." Natalie raised her eyes to meet mine.
"Yes you did. And you knew how that would distract me." I pushed more hair from out of her face.
"Yeah you're right I did. But I really just wanted him to admit it out loud to himself." Natalie giggled to herself.
"Come on Nat, let's try and get some sleep, And maybe get you a shower. You've still got blood on your neck." I ran my finger over the dry blood on her neck. She flinched away.
"Oh god, I'm sorry. Yea, totally. Meet me in your bedroom?" Natalie quickly got up off the couch and slowly started to walk towards my bathroom.
"Yea." I smiled.
Natalie ran into my bedroom and to the bathroom. She probably felt bad about me having to see the blood. That's what I haven't thought about yet, the fact that her stabbing someone wasn't something I was scared of.
I couldn't bring myself to think that something was wrong with her when I first thought she killed someone. How fucked up is that? I didn't even bat an eye at that detail.
It's probably because I've been around it my whole life, but I thought I would act differently. I thought I would run away and cry about that. But no, it didn't even phase me.
It wouldn't take a genius to know how fucked up I am. Any normal human would shit their pants learning their best friend has a body count. And not the good kind.
I walked into my bedroom and changed into simple black pajamas. I climbed into my bed and cuddled up to one of my pillows. I don't know if I can wait for Natalie to come back, I was so worn out.
Instead of waiting, I let my eyes close. I needed to sleep after what just happened. Maybe I could have another dream like I had the other day. Because I needed to be in a good mood to jump my next hurdle for tomorrow.
I needed to confront Harry about his... feelings.