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-- FALCON QUIDDITCH STADIUM
James had been at quidditch practice when he got the news. At first, he'd been baffled by the rouge owl following him around in the air. Usually, owls went and waited at his home. Even if they did show up to the pitch, they'd wait in the safety of the stands or near the locker rooms. Eventually, he took a weak bludger to the gut to protect the bloody frenzied bird. That was when his coach benched him for the day, citing that the reserve chasers needed a chance to practice anyway.
On any usual day, this wouldn't have bothered him. But today, he'd been grateful for the distraction and exhaustion that a long quidditch practice brought. In fact, all week, he'd been pushing his body to its furthest limits on the quidditch pitch. His coach had probably noticed and taken any excuse to send the overworked player home to get some rest. But the wizard in question wasn't happy to be sent packing early.
Home this past week had turned into a tense and uncomfortable swamp rather than the peaceful sanctuary it had been before. Ever since the pivotal night of truth or dare, James and Lily had been off sorts with each other. They talked things out that very night- if there was one thing they learned in their adult relationship, it was the importance of clear communication. James admitted he had no idea Carina felt that way, and he told Lily about the night of the ball when Carina said the only moment which he might've thought might be genuine between them was actually caused by her nostalgia of Lucius Malfoy. Lily told him about her fears that they really had caught feelings and the guilt she felt for impeding on her friend.
They went to bed that night, snuggled up and trying to close the sudden gap between them. Yet, the gap didn't go away. If anything, it grew in the following week of disquiet. Lily never asked James if he'd liked Carina at the time or if he still cared for her- she was too scared of the answer. James never asked Lily what Carina said when they talked that night.
And in that week, James's frustration with the whole situation grew. He loved Lily- he did! In fact, being with her had matured him into the man he was today. Being in a serious, functioning, adult relationship took work and effort. With Lily, he learned the importance of communication and devotion. She could still give him butterflies when she smiled at him. When he was with her, he flew in the clouds. What he'd never tell his wife, though, was that there was a point when he'd also felt deeper rumblings of affection for Carina. It happened at a point when he was losing hope in Lily ever returning his feelings. And while he'd been disheartened and self-conscious at the time, it was Carina who helped him remember that he was worth loving even without needing to change. She taught him that he was enough. He remembered being acutely disappointed when he learned that the one electric moment they'd shared during the ball was really just a product of her lingering feelings for Lucius Malfoy. But this recent revelation made him question even that. Had she been lying then too? Was that moment real?
And the more he thought about it, the angrier he became. While he was frustrated with Carina for not telling him the truth back then, he could ultimately understand her reasoning. He'd only stopped mooning over Lily when he was hopelessly discouraged and feared she would never return his feelings. Carina's actions could be chalked up to self-preservation. But Remus and Sirius? James felt deeply betrayed that they'd never told him. He was even more enraged that Sirius had looked him in the eye that night and so confidently asked, "would it have changed anything," as if he was so certain it wouldn't. His best mate had even warned him he was rushing into his wedding! The puzzling words and cloaked cautions suddenly made sense in the light of the truth. And James hated him all the more for it.
Would it have changed anything? Well, there was certainly no point in thinking about it now, was there? He'd chosen Lily, and if there was one thing James Potter always stuck by, it was his devotion to his choices.
Love was a feeling, but it was also a choice. He'd adored Lily for years because he saw the moon and stars in her eyes. But he'd chosen to keep loving her in the face of her rejection, and he'd chosen to keep loving her even in their early relationship as they worked through their differences.
What bothered him now was the feeling of being robbed. He'd been deprived of the choice back when he could've made one. He refused to allow himself the chance to speculate on what-ifs. James very much liked to live in the present and sometimes dream about the future. But never did he linger in the past- he couldn't change it anyway. But that didn't take away from the feeling of betrayal he still felt now.
James huffed in exasperation as the ruddy owl followed him to the locker rooms, hooting impatiently. He merely thought the owl was short-tempered and rude, so he took the time to get out of his quidditch robes before finally taking the letter from the crazed bird.
At first, he couldn't make sense of the words on the parchment. Perfectly coherent words that, when strung together, made no sense. When comprehension finally settled, it felt like a bludger knocked him off his broom over a thousand feet in the air.
So sorry, Mr. Potter... Sad to inform you... We did everything we could...
His parents were gone. Dead.
The world around him came crashing down as a loud ringing filled his head. What did they mean his parents were dead? He'd just seen them two weeks ago! How could they be dead? They were far too young to die. They'd had James just out of Hogwarts, so they hadn't even reached their fifties yet. The news left him numb and lost.
He couldn't pull himself together enough to form coherent thoughts, much less figure out what to do next. He felt the restless energy and magic just pulsing under the surface of his skin, his grief wreaking havoc on his body and mind.
His hand tightened around his wand as he felt his magic move. He didn't think. He just apparated.
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-- CARINA'S FLAT
When he landed in Carina's flat, an immediate sensation of comfort swept over him. But when his vision finally focused, he realized he wasn't her only visitor.
"James?" The wizard's gaze snapped to Carina, who was looking at him with quickly growing concern. "Is everything alright?"
His eyes widened like a deer caught in headlights. "No- Yes- No! I mean... I'm sorry I didn't realize you'd have company.
"It's alright." Her voice was gentle, as though soothing a wild animal.
"No, no, I should've owled," James muttered in a shaky frenzy. Why the bloody hell had he shown up here? Uninvited! She was clearly in the middle of something.
"No worries, mate," Gideon said graciously. "We just finished dinner. I was about to get going anyway- I should check on Fabian about those reports."
James watched anxiously as the tall, commanding wizard dropped a kiss on Carina's cheek. As he drew away, he whispered quietly in her ear, and James could see Carina's eyes soften as she nodded once. He felt absolutely mortified, especially because it felt like he was imposing on an intimate moment. But soon enough, Gideon apparated away, leaving the two old friends alone.
When Carina finally turned to James, he could see her attention focusing completely on him. And the rest of the world suddenly fell away. The genuine concern reflected in her eyes finally brought down the last remnants of the walls he clung to. Carina always cared- always.
"James... what's wrong?"
Carina watched in a mix of horror, fear, and concern as she studied James. While he remained as still as a statue, his glimmering eyes reflected a world of pain. She'd only taken a single step towards him when he broke. His knees buckled as he dropped to the floor.
"James!"
She was immediately on her knees in front of him, grasping his arms in concern. But he merely stared ahead unseeingly. And that's when he began trembling- restrained, pained trembles that wracked through his body. Carina had never felt so unsure in her life.
This was the first time she'd ever seen the typically joyful marauder cry. Remus was always more emotionally aware, and Sirius was always the more angsty one. But the sight of him shaking with his silent and restrained sobs simply broke her heart. For a second, she hesitated. She'd been maintaining all these boundaries for a reason. But none of her logic seemed to hold in the face of the raw pain she was witnessing, a pain she herself had felt in her life. With that last thought, she drew him into her embrace, collecting all the pieces of him and holding him together until he felt strong enough to do so himself.
What could've possibly happened to elicit such a reaction from the infamous James Potter?
They sat in relative silence while James slowly collected himself. Carina found herself counting every shaky inhale and exhale until they finally steadied.
When he finally spoke, his voice sounded empty. "They're gone."
Carina finally drew back, looking at him once again. Internally those words made her panic, but externally she tried to stay calm but solemn- for his sake. "Who's gone?"
"M-my parents. They died."
For a split second, all Carina could feel was relief that he hadn't said Sirius or Remus or Lily. She only had so many people she considered family these days, and the thought of losing one of them was paralyzing. But then she processed what he actually said, and the grief set in anyway.
"It was bloody Dragon Pox, can you believe it? It came on too quickly for them to even get help. They were found dead in the chateau. I just saw them a couple of weeks ago- I- I-"
Carina quickly gathered James back into a comforting embrace. She could see the beginnings of an anxiety attack. Carina intimately knew the pain of losing her parents, especially in such a sudden manner. She could understand the confusion, helplessness, and pain James was experiencing now. It was also how she knew that nothing she could say would make it better.
All she could do was hold him and reassure him. "I've got you," she whispered soothingly on repeat.
"How did you deal with this?" He asked helplessly. "How could you stand it? I can't help but feel I'm alone- like my roots have just been ripped out."
"I know... I know. I remember feeling lost and unanchored. But you're not alone, remember? You've got Lily. You have Sirius, Remus, Peter. You have Frank and Alice. You have me."
"I know it's not the same," Carina reassured. "Believe me, I know. But with time... it'll be enough."
She knew that words were not enough right now. Words would never truly be enough. All she could do was be there. So she would.
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-- ST. MUNGO'S
Lily was nearly done with her shift when she found out. It had been a long day, and she was excited to get home in time for dinner. This was the point in her training when she was meant to be doing overnight rounds in the wards, but after discussing her options with her mentors, they'd decided it would be better if she kept to a regular sleep schedule.
She'd just been ready to head out when she came across some gossip spreading among the new students. She didn't know them, but it was their words that gave her pause.
"Can you believe it? They were found dead! Such a shame since Dragon Pox is curable!"
How sad, Lily thought. She couldn't imagine how devasted the deceased's family must be.
"-from an old line too! I heard they only have one son- some famous quidditch player or something."
Lily's blood ran cold as she came to a sharp stop. The odds of it all being sheer coincidence were simply too unlikely. Before she could even think it through, she was rushing through the halls to the hospital's morgue. She prayed it wasn't what she thought- she prayed she'd gotten it wrong.
But sure enough, when she checked the charts of bodies, there they were clear as day. Dorea and Charlus Potter.
Lily's eyes closed in pain. The Potters were such genuine and warm people. They'd come to mean a great deal to more than one person. Not only would James be absolutely devastated, but so would Sirius. Every time either wizard talked about their future, James's parents were an ever-present facet of their lives and happiness. Now there were so many memories lost to possibilities. Birthdays they would never witness. Sirius's wedding that they'd never attend. James and Sirius's children that they would never get to hold. All gone.
The first place Lily went was the Falcon's Quidditch Stadium. She wanted to make sure she could be there for James when he found out.
"He's not here, Mrs. Potter," the coach informed her. "I benched him a while ago, but he never came back. I assumed he left."
"Did he get any news, by chance?" Lily asked anxiously. She was scared that he was on his own with this daunting burden.
"There was a ruddy owl following him around during practice. Strange behavior for an owl."
Lily paled, murmuring a distracted thank you to the coach before disapparating to their flat. Only James wasn't at home. In fact, there was no evidence they'd he'd ever come back. That was when she really started to worry. She could only think of one other place he'd go to during a time like this. And it was her last hope.
When she arrived at Sirius's flat, the man was sitting at his dining table with his head buried in his hands. In front of him lay an open letter.
He looked up, his eyes rimmed red. "Hi, Red."
"You got the news," she nodded softly towards the letter.
"Yeah," he acknowledged gruffly.
This was not easy on Sirius. He remembered when he was disowned by his own parents. Even though he hated his family life and felt little to no connection to his own parents, it had hurt when they disowned him. It left him feeling unanchored and alone. But that was nothing compared to the pain he felt now. Because while his own parents never approved of him and he never liked them, the Potters had welcomed him into their home and family with open hearts. It was the first time Sirius could remember having a home. Grimmauld Place was a house. Hogwarts was better, but it was a school nonetheless- a sanctuary if you will. But the Potters had been family. With them, he had a home.
But now that was gone once again.
"Have you heard from James?" Lily asked anxiously.
"You haven't seen him?" Sirius asked sharply, suddenly alert.
"No," she shook her head in worry. "I only just found out by accident. I think he got a letter a while ago during practice. But he's not at the stadium, and he's not at home. I thought he'd be with you..."
Sirius wracked his brains, wondering where James would've gone. Sirius knew he was likely to be a mess right now. The letter had been waiting for him when he got home from work, so Sirius could only assume James had known for a while longer than either him or Lily.
"If he's not with you... and he's not with me... there's only one other person he'd go to right now."
"Remus?"
"Carina."
"Oh..." Lily deflated slightly.
"It's not what you're thinking," Sirius hastened to reassure her. "There's- Carina... Well, I can't tell you exactly. It's not my story to tell. But I think he thought Carina would be able to help him deal with it."
"I don't care who he's with," Lily choked out. "I just need to know he's safe and okay."
"Of course," Sirius nodded quickly, unable to imagine how worried she must be. "Let's go find him."
When they floo'd to Carina's flat, they emerged from the flames just in time to see Carina draping a blanket over James's sleeping form on the couch. Carina turned to them quickly, relaxing when she realized who it was.
"Oh, thank Merlin!" Lily cried quietly, rushing over to James. She dropped to the floor beside the couch, gently brushing his hair out of his face.
"He's okay," Carina told them quietly. "I think he exhausted himself- he was pretty overwhelmed when he got here."
"Thank you," Lily told her genuinely.
"No problem," Carina shook her head. "I'm sure you want to take him back to your flat, but he only just fell asleep, and-"
"No, no, I don't want to wake him," Lily said firmly.
"You can wait until he wakes," Carina offered. "I'm sure he'll be relieved to find you when he does."
"Are you sure?" Lily asked her with wide eyes. "I don't want to impose."
"Nonsense!" Carina insisted firmly. "You two are like family. It's never an imposition."
"I guess I should head out then," Sirius spoke up quietly.
When Carina turned to him at last, she could trace the lines of exhaustion and grief in his expression. It was with a pang that she realized Sirius was probably mourning as much as James.
"I don't want you to be alone either," Lily told Sirius, reading Carina's mind.
"How about we go for a fly?" Carina suggested. She knew she made the right move when a look of relief fell over Sirius. "We can come back after. Maybe get some food for all of us while we're at it."
Sirius nodded tiredly. "Thanks, Carina."
When the world came crashing around them, this mix of misfits put together had a strong enough foundation to keep each other from falling apart. And Sirius couldn't be any more grateful for their makeshift family.
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