12 Carats On My Finger, Two Men And One Heart
And I Just Don't Even Know What I Want Anymore
I Use To Want Only August,But Than Chase Made Me Fall In Love With Him So I Wanted Him, After That All That The One Whom I Will Forever Love Came Back In My Life And I Thought I Wanted That But Now I Got Ring And I Kinda Want That Marriage I Always Wanted Now
I Love August But Everybody Been In My Ear Tellin Me How He Won't Change And How He Gon Hurt Me Again And I Don't Wanna Be Hurt Anymore
Saying Yes To Chase Proposal Was The Safe Thing To Do
But Who The Fuck Ever Said That Love True Love Is Safe
Im Thinking With My Mind And Ignoring My Heart
And The One Nigga Who I Really Love I Just Hurt Him In The Worst Way
And Regardless Of The Shit He Did To Me When We Was Together I Never Wanted Him Or Anyone To Hurt Like I Was Hurt
Now Because Of The Choice I Made..Had August All The Way On Ten
Its Only Been A Whole Week Since I Last Saw And I Been Hearing Stories About How He Been Getting Drunk Every Night Showin His Ass And Fighting And Just All Type Of Crazy Shit
He Was Hurt And He Was Lashing Out
It Was About 2:30 In The Morning And August Brother Called Me And Told Me "This Nigga Been Trippin Just Come Have A Conversation With Him..He Ain't Gon Stop Until You Do"
So Of Course I Got Out The Bed And Drove Over To August House
I Got There And His Brother Immediately Pointed Me To The Bathroom
I Walked To The Bathroom And Knocked On The Door
"Who The Fuck Is It! " He Yelled
"Its Me" I Said Softly
And He Unlocked The Door
He Was Standing In The Bathroom With His Polo Draws On And No Shirt On
I Can Tell By His Eyes That He Was Drunk And High
For A Moment I Just Stood There Staring At Him
Until Finally I Closed The Door And Locked It
And With My Eyes I Said "Are You Okay"
And With His Eyes He Told Me "You Know Im Not Okay"
I Opened My Mouth And Said "August"
"I Know I Did Shit That Hurt You…But Damn You Really Took Shit To Another Level" He Said
"I Didn't Say Yes To Hurt..August I Didn't Want To Make You Hurt" I Said
"Yes You Did.. And You Succeeded..Cause Im So Fuckin Hurt Jordyn.." He Said
I Took A Step Closer And Wrapped My Arms Around Him And Said "I Don't Want You To Be..And Please Believe Me When I Tell You That Im Sorry..Maybe Its Just Not Meant To Be With You And Me Because Shit Nevers Work Out For Us" I Said
"You Gave Up On Us Once And Now You Giving Up On Us Again" He Asked
"Im Not Giving Up..Im Letting Go…Im Finally Letting Go..And You..You Gotta Let Go Too So That I Can Be Happy..So You Can Find Someone To Make You Happy" I Stated
"Be Happy With Me" He Asked
"I Tried To Be…It Just Doesn't Work No More August…I Have To Move On With My Life And You Have To Do The Same" I Said
He Looked Me In My Eyes And Said "It Wasn't Supposed To Be Like This"
"Unfortunately Thats Not Your Call To Make...Its For The Best Don't You Want The Best For Me Like I Want The Best For You" I Asked
He Didn't Answer Me
"August You Can't Go On Like This Acting Crazy And Lashing Out..You Work Too Hard To Get Where You Are..Don't Fuck Up The Good Reputation....You Gotta Chill" I Said
And Than He Fell To His Knees And Started Throwing Up In The Toilet
"Its Okay Okay" I Said As I Pat On His Back
After He Finished Throwing Up And Said "Love…Love With Make Ya Sick..And Ya Making Me So Sick"
Than He Looked Up At Me Like A Little Sad Puppy And Said "I Can Change"
And Tears From My Heart That Was Shattering Fell
Cause I Did Believe That He Could Change
But I Had A Ring And It Was Too Late For Me And Him
And Even Though I Was Im So Madly In Love With August
I Felt Like I Was More In Love With Having Something Stable And Serious Even More
I Had Convinced Myself That I Could Make Myself Love Chase
And I Actually Thought That I Make Myself Stop Loving August
I Just Had To Keep Tellin Myself That August Isn't The One Chase Is
Chase Is The One He Got On One Knee He Would Die For You
And For Some Reason I Just Can't See August Ever Getting On One Knee To Propose To Me
Chase Might Be My Only Chance At That Family I Always Been Dreaming Of
I Held August In My Arms Until He Soon Fell Asleep
And Than I Left And Went Back Home To My Fiance
Fiance That Doesn't Even Sound Right
And Early The Next Morning C'amarya Begged Me To Go With Her To My Mother's Grave
And Really Didn't Want To Go But Since It Was The Last Day C'amarya Was Gon Be In Town
I Thought I Could Just Go Along For Support
And Here We Were Standing Infront My Mothers Grave Stone
And C'amarya Holding Red Roses In Her Hand
"Can We Make This Quick.…I Hate Coming To Cemeteries" I Said
"Jordyn You Sure You Dont Have Nothing To Say To Her" C'amarya Said
"Nope" I Quickly Said
C'amarya Took A Breath And Said "Okay Well…Where Do I Start…Hi Mama Its Me Your Baby Girl Im Here Today To Tell You..Thank You... Thank You For Making Me So Strong Willed If I Have Never Gone Through What I Went Through I Wouldn't Be The Woman I Am Today And Thats All Thanks To You Mama…I Know You Did Some Things And Said Some Things Very Painful To Me…But I Just Wanna Let You That I Forgive You…I Forgive You! And All That Anger And Hate I Been Holding On For Years Im Finally Releasing It By Forgiving You From The Bottom Of My Heart Mama I Sincerely Forgive You" She Said
As She Smile And Place The Roses On My Mother Grave
And Im Just Standing Stuck Staring At Her Grave
"I'll Leave You Two Alone" C'amarya Said Than She Walked And Got Back In The Car
I Really Didn't Have Anything To Say Until I Heard C'amarya Speaking To My Mother Grave Than I Had To Say
Look Down At Her Grave Shaking My Head As I Said "You Know Its Just Like You To Go On And Die Before Fixing Things With Me"
"Looking Back On All The Hurtful Things You Said To Me Things That No Mother Should Ever Say To Their Child,All I Wanted I Ever Wanted From You Was To Love Me,But You Showed Me Hatred Instead,Told Me I Was Ugly..Told Me That Men Would Only Want To Have Sex With Me And Not To Married Me,Told Me All I Would Ever Be Was A Stripper With Dreams" I Said As I Paused And Laughed
"Mama Remember When Said You Wish I Was Dead..My Oh My Mama The Table Has Turned Everything You Said I Couldn't Do Guess What Mama" I Asked Like My Mother Could Jump Out The Grave And Answer Me
"I Did! " I Yelled
"I Made It…Without You Without Anyone!.…Im A Beautiful Woman And I Made Something Out My Self…And I ! Made My Silly Little Dreams Into Reality And I Got A Ring Mama Somebody Does Want To Marry Me Mama I Found Two Men Who Love Me…And Most Of All Mama I Love Myself !" I Said As Im On A Verge Of Crying
"After All The Mental And Verbal Abuse You Gave Me I Still Learn To Love Myself For Whom I Am..You Tried Your Hardest To Bring Me Down…But Mama God Put Me Up God Blessed Me To Be In A Position Where I Can Pay For Lawyer Fees And School Tuitions…And Your Are No Longer Here To Bully And Tell Me What I Am Not Able To Do.. Because I Did Impossible And That Was Surviving You!" I Screamed
And With My Eyes Watering I Said "And If I Could Survive You! I Can Make It Through Anything" I Said
I Shed One Last Tear
For What Alll My Mother Put Me Through I Don't Think I Could Ever Forgive Her
As I Was Leaving My Mother Grave August Called My Phone
I Answered It And Said "Hello"
"Come Meet Me At Our Spot" August Said Sounding Very Desperately
"Im On My Way" I Said
I Hung Up The Phone Knowing That This Has To End Between Me And August
After Dropping C'amarya I Met August At Our Favorite Restaurant
He Was Sitting There With His Shades Being Laid Back
I Sat Across Of Him
"All That Shit You Was Sayin..I Know You Ain't Mean It" He Said
I Rolled My Eyes And Said "You Obviously Don't Know Me Than"
"Oh I Know Ya Jay…I Know Better He Can Eva Know You"He Said
I Sitting Quiet Cause I Know Its True
"Ya Love Me..You Always Love Will Me…Na Im Putting My Pride Away And Im Asking Ya As Man To..Don't Throw Us Away" He Said
"Don't Throw Us Away??…August You Started This War..Remember All Those Nights I Cried And Cried Over The Shit You Was Doing All The Hoes You Fuckin! When You Had Me You Couldn't Put Ya Pride Aside And Be Man To Man But Now Since A Real Man Stepped Up And Gave Me A Ring Now You Decide To Step Up!" I Yelled As I Became Furious
"You Know Like I Know Them Hoes Ain't Mean Shit At The End Of The Day You Had My Heart And I Know I Fucked Around And I Know I Hurt Ya…But Its Always Been Me And You Jay" August Said
"Answer This Question For Me August…Be Real…Have You Ever Once Thought About Giving Me A Ring? " I Asked
And He Was Just Quiet
I Shook My Head And Said "Exactly…Have A Nice Life August"
And I Got Up And Left
After All We Been Through He Never Even Thought About Having A Future With Me
But He Wanted To Have A Baby
Well That Wasn't Good Enough For Cause I Don't Wanna Be Just A Baby Mama To A Nigga
I Want To A Man's Wife Eventually