Louis: "Hello!"
Harry: (caught off guard) "Wait- I was supposed to--"
L: (ignoring Harry) "Welcome back to whatever the hell this podcast is!"
H: (trying to get himself together) "For the love of- I'm Harry."
L: "And I'm Louis!"
H: "I guess we're just jumping into this. I don't think we have a proper introduction."
L: "Who needs proper introductions when spontaneity exists?"
H: (teasing) "I didn't know you knew words like spontaneity."
L: "Shut up."
H: "So, we've got a whole mess of things to talk about today. I think the first is- what does this say? Your handwriting is so shi--"
L: (somewhat offended) "Oi!"
H: "For those of you who don't know, I don't actually have notes. It's just Louis' questionable handwriting in the photos he sends me."
L: (no longer offended) "Hey, speaking of, did you see the photo I sent you?"
H: "Of what?"
L: "I'll send it again."
H: "Oh, that's so concerning. Should I be worri--"
L: (cutting Harry off) "It's Rudolph."
H: (looking at the photo Louis sent him of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It's drawn over some ukulele chords) "That's a nice drawing."
L: "Thank you. Rudolph thanks you."
H: (trying to move on) "Cool, so,--"
L: (with deafening amounts of volume) "THEN ONE FOGGY CHRISTMAS EVE."
H: (wincing) "My God, please calm down."
L: (calmly) "I'm considering a career in the arts."
H: "Louis Van Gogh."
L: "Yes, that's my new name. I'll be in contact."
H: "With who?"
L: (as the first one to succeed in moving on) "So! Our first order of business is actually something that I saw the other day."
H: "Oh boy."
L: "It's them reversible octopus things."
H: "Oh! I think they're cute."
L: (seriously) "Okay, but what's the logic? It's fine for an octopus, right, but if you do it to a person, then all of a sudden, it's a crime."
H: (appalled, choking) "Louis!"
L: "It's true!"
H: "I inhaled so hard that I choked."
L: "On a d- so--"
H: (in disbelief) "Louis- why?"
L: (through laughter) "I don't know!"
H: "Why would you do this?"
L: "I'm sorry!"
H: (with a smile) "I hate you so much."
L: "No, you don't. Anyways. So I don't understand what's so cute about gutting an octopus."
H: "You're not gutting it."
L: "What's the definition of 'gutting?'"
H: (robotically) "To take out the intestines and other internal organs of a fish or other animal before cooking it."
L: "I was close enough."
H: "You most certainly were not."
L: "Do you think they created those monstrosities to take over the world?"
H: (confused) "Gutting or..."
L: "No- the octopuses."
H: "'Octopuses' is the worst thing I've ever heard, but yes, I think so."
L: "I'd watch a film like Planet of the Apes but with the octopuses."
H: "Let me know when you produce that."
L: "Oh, you're going to star in it."
H: "Absolutely not. I'm moving on."
L: "Everyone would die. There would be lots of dying. And it wouldn't be because of your driving."
H: "My driving--"
L: (to the listeners) "Guys, Harry is such a scary driver. He doesn't adhere to speed limits or parking rules, anything. It's a miracle that we're still alive."
H: (offended) "I don't understand why you had to come for my driving. I'm such a good driver."
L: (blatantly ignoring Harry) "You know I wouldn't be surprised if he got arrested for vehicular manslaughter or something."
H: "Okay fine, but if I'm getting arrested for my 'terrible driving,' you're getting it for murder."
L: "Murder--"
H: "Or plans of murder. Is that a thing?"
L: (so lost) "What are you talking about?"
H: "Yesterday, when we were trying to figure out the whole smile nail thing."
L: "Oh!"
H: "We were trying to understand the science behind nailing smiles."
L: (rolling his eyes) "Yeah, because that explains it."
H: "Fine. We were trying to figure out how The Joker would, hypothetically, keep a smile on a dead person's face by using nails."
L: (attempting to seem innocent) "It sounds a lot worse than it is."
H: "I genuinely don't think anyone is going to question this."
L: "Well, I mean, it's fun to think about."
H: "Google was useless to us. I said you just nail it to the cheek."
L: "Agreed."
H: "My mouth hurt from stretching it."
L: "My face hurt from attempting to smile."
H: (questioning their existence) "Are we okay?"
L: "No. I would've died if someone saw me."
H: "Oh, I was so afraid."
L: "I didn't realize smiling was such a difficult thing to do."
H: "I'm seizing this moment to segue into our last topic."
L: (laughing) "You'd die on a segway."
H: "So, if and when you die, I'll visit you, but that begs the question--"
L: (processing) "Sorry- if and when?"
H: "Yes, would you also visit me regularly?"
L: "Are you asking if, upon my demise, I would visit you out of all people?"
H: "Yes."
L: "I mean, that's like something out of a horror film."
H: "Should I leave my door unlocked or something then?"
L: "No, I'm dead. I can use a rib or something to unlock the door."
H: "Right, so if I just see a rib in my lock, it's just you."
L: "Correct."
H: (blunt) "I changed my mind. I wouldn't visit you."
L: (scandalized) "That's so rude- Why not?"
H: "Because you insulted my driving."
L: "Your driving was probably your cause of death."
H: (questioning their existence again) "Do we actually achieve anything on this podcast?"
L: "Yeah."
H: "Would you like to share with the group?"
L: "We achieve the end of our relationship as we know it."
H: (happily) "I like to think that this is a bonding experience."
L: "It's definitely an experience. Do we have a closing thing?"
H: "A what?"
L: (thinking) "What're they called?"
H: "What?"
L: (so incredibly loud) "Outro!"
H: (covering his ears) "Headphone users beware."
L: "So, do we have one?"
H: "Of course we don't."
L: (abruptly) "Okay, screw outros. Bye."
H: (confused) "Wha--"
Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson
March 25, 2021 • 8 min.
You might also like...