Zayn shook me awake at three in the morning.
"Harry. Harry...hey, you need to get up. You gotta go," he whispered to me groggily, invoking a low groan that escaped from my throat.
I hated this part. "Yeah okay...okay," I grumbled, forcing myself to climb out of his bed.
Half-asleep, I retrieved my still damp swimming shorts from where they were laid out on the windowsill as well as a random t-shirt of Zayn's that I saw laying on the floor. I scooped it up and slipped it on over my head before I turned around and gave him one last look, his eyes fluttering closed as he stirred and clutched at the pillows.
He looked so peaceful and innocent laying there like that and I wished I could have climbed back in bed with him.
As I started to leave into the late night I paused at the door when Zayn called out my name.
"Harry."
"Yeah?"
"Thank you," he said sleepily.
"For what?"
"For staying. Was comfy."
"Of course," I replied with a lazy smile, and then swiftly left his bedroom.
I came to understand quickly that certain words and feelings weren't always said outright with Zayn. He was the type of person who's always in his head and his actions were typically much louder.
But that was his language and I understood it, accepted it, and I felt a sense of warmth stay within my body as I traipsed back to the guest house, holding onto the memory of how it felt when he held me close.
That's pretty much how the nights ended up all week long. I'd come up to Zayn's room once he got home from the hospital after visiting Natalia and we'd mess around with each other for awhile and then later on I'd creep out into the night.
And I was completely consumed by it, by him.
Zayn spent a lot of time figuring me out, learning what it was that I liked and what really got me, and likewise I was also learning new things about myself that I hadn't known before. He gathered quickly just how much I enjoyed sinking into submission by him and he was very, very good at maintaining a solid control over everything we did. He commanded me, I obeyed, and that's exactly how I wanted it.
By the end of the week I was beyond obsessed with Zayn.
Obsessed with his hands and the way his touch felt. Obsessed with his lips and the way he kissed me both hard and deep, but also softly, gently. Obsessed with his eyes and the way he looked at me like I was the only thing on his mind. Obsessed with his voice and the way he spoke lowly against my skin, telling me what he wanted me to do.
Zayn had an impeccable ability to tow this fine line between the most calculated aggression and passion but also this subtle tenderness and I felt so good about myself, and so well taken care of. He just knew exactly what to do and how.
It kept blowing my mind.
And I felt freshly awakened by this newfound exploration of my sexuality, tapping into these secret parts of me that had previously laid dormant and unattended to.
I especially doted on the way that Zayn always called me kitten now and he'd run his hand through my curls whenever I was pleasing him, always ensuring that I received proper praise for a job well done and then he'd continue to reward me with the most amazing oral sex; better than anything I had ever received before in my life.
And when our hands and mouths weren't all over each other like mad, untamed animals, we were lounging around together on his bed, close and hanging out smoking weed, having several glasses of wine and listening to music together in the most natural, most comfortable state of being.
Zayn showed me loads of artists I had never heard of before as well, like Mariah the Scientist, Rhye and Ingrid Michaelson, and I introduced him to country artist Chris Stapleton, who I was a massive fan of, and some of the more underrated Fleetwood Mac songs.
We got really stoned and watched Pulp Fiction one night and I told him how the first thing I ever purchased with my own money was Bad Motherfucker wallet and he snorted with laughter, somehow not even surprised by it.
And I kept reciting back all of Samuel L. Jackson's lines of the film out loud nearly word for word in every scene and he kept swatting at me and laughing even more at my accuracy with those sparkling brown eyes of his.
I loved hearing Zayn laugh like that.
But around everyone else we were seen as just good friends, except for Adrienne and Marco, who knew the truth and kept it a secret.
As much as I wanted to know why Zayn felt the need to keep all of this hidden from from Gio and everyone else, I still didn't have the nerve to ask him about it.
I didn't want to pry into his reasoning or ask too many questions about his personal life or his past romantic relationships. I didn't inquire as to exactly how he knew he liked men or if it was just men that he was attracted to. Of course, I wanted to know all of these things about him, but I wasn't sure exactly how open Zayn was willing to be with me.
Plus, I had to remind myself that we weren't in any sort of real relationship. Even though Zayn and I connected on quite a few levels and we were having loads of fun together, I had to limit my emotional attachment to him. So I kept myself distanced to a certain extent because the truth was that Zayn and I were just a summer thing.
That's all it could be.
* * * * *
Marco's 26th birthday was that Saturday and it was going to be the party of the year; as always. I learned that everyone made a pretty huge deal out of Marco's birthday annually every summer and Gio would shell out massive amounts of money for it to be absolutely wild.
And that was no understatement.
There must have been at least 100 people in attendance, first of all. The whole compound was littered with balloons and these elaborate, lit-up ice luges where people were lined up to take shots of any liquor imaginable. There was a semi-famous DJ, DJ Dado, that everyone seemed to know, who had a crowd of people jumping and dancing all over each other on the back patio by the pool; some were both swimming and laying around on floats, others making out, and there was ecstasy roaming around so I predicted a lot of people would be having sex.
There was just so much going on and I was sure that there was no way in hell that Marco even knew half of the people partying there, but that appeared to be normal and he was certainly having the time of his life screaming at the top of his lungs, drunk off his ass, zooming down this enormous inflatable water slide out in the backyard field.
I was also getting increasingly more drunk by the minute.
Zayn came around to me and handed me a plate of chicken kebobs that Sergio was grilling on the barbecue only moments before I filled up another glass with neat tequila and he had insisted that I made sure I kept eating and drinking water in between all the alcoholic beverages I was consuming.
I thought it was cute how Zayn was always so concerned with taking care of me all the time.
Somehow later on I got roped into playing Adrienne's bright idea of 'dare or double dare' out by the fire pit with Zayn, Adrienne, Marco and Marco's other friends; notably these two girls named Mia, who was Marco's cousin, and her childhood friend, Angela. Mia was petite with long, sandy blonde hair, bangs and green eyes that almost matched mine, and Angela was very tan with her short, black hair and round, brown eyes.
I could see Mia passing glances over at me plenty of times from across the fire, but I kept trying to pretend like I didn't notice.
Dare or double dare was basically this game that Adrienne invented on a sloshed whim because she thought truth was too boring and decided we would just dare each other to do different random and ridiculous things. So basically choosing dare was just one basic request and double dare had to consist of a two part dare.
"Okay Zayn. Dare or double dare?" Mia asked him before she downed a shot of rum.
"Dare," he answered while taking a sip of his strawberry daiquiri.
"I dare you to kiss Harry!" she exclaimed, grinning wildly.
"What are we, twelve!?" Angela interjected, but Mia just ignored her.
"Shh, I wanna see it."
Zayn and I exchanged subtle, knowing glances at each other and I tried my best not to laugh at her pick of a dare, but I couldn't help it. I started laughing under my breath and looked down at the ground, shaking my head. Then Zayn squinted over at Mia and scrunched up his nose, pretending as if he detested the idea of having to kiss me.
I noticed that Adrienne looked away suddenly, trying not to smile and Marco was totally wrecked and just sat there grinning super awkwardly; meanwhile I was still stifling laughter.
"Alright fine," Zayn uttered lowly, pressing his lips together before turning toward me.
I finally looked up at Zayn with mild amusement and viewed him reaching out to grab my face, smoothly leaning in and he firmly pressed his lips to mine. Of course in my drunken idiocy I accepted the kiss far more than I should have and held on to his lips for as long as I could, almost tempted to open my mouth some more and make it worth everyone's while to behold, but Zayn stopped me and pulled away from my mouth quickly.
"Mm, tastes like strawberries," I teased him with a cheeky, dimpled smile and Zayn just rolled his eyes at me, acting cold and uninterested, just like the actor that he was.
"Oh wow. Well, I think Harry enjoyed that," Mia chaffed, giggling.
"I bet he did," Adrienne coughed under her breath.
"Zayn has soft lips. Who wouldn't enjoy it?" I replied, shrugging nonchalantly.
Maybe I was just as drunk as everyone else around me and therefore I didn't care, but the idea of anyone seeing me be physical with another guy didn't really bother me in that moment.
But I also knew that it wasn't the case for Zayn, for whatever his own reasons were, and he seemed a little taken aback by my boldness in public, yet he continued to play it off like it was meaningless.
"Anyway..."
I felt bad for a second and cleared my throat, moving a little bit away from him on the patio sofa, trying to give Zayn some personal distance just so that he knew that I did actually care about his feelings and didn't want to make him totally uncomfortable in front of people on purpose.
He seemed to appreciate it and nodded to me, then indicating that it was my turn next and I was already prepared for a double dare from Zayn.
"I'm guessing you're gonna choose the double dare, yeah?" he asked me and I leaned back, crossing my legs.
"Yep. Go on, let me have it."
"I dare you to trade clothes with Adrienne. And then do a little runway walk."
"That's it? Done."
I found myself to be fairly shameless whenever I was intoxicated, so wearing girl's clothes didn't phase me one bit. I stood up and immediately removed my jeans, yanking them down to my ankles and unbuttoned my plaid purple shirt, throwing them both over at Adrienne and remained standing in front of everyone in nothing but my briefs with a grin on my face.
I saw Zayn force himself to look away, but I knew that he didn't want to.
I chuckled lowly as I spied Adrienne sitting across from the fire pit on the other side, who was now partially hiding behind Marco as she fumbled with removing her tight, baby pink colored tank top and a matching pink and white paisley skirt, which was extremely short. And she sat there in her bra and underwear for a minute, her cheeks turning pink.
"There's no way this will fit you," she laughed, tossing both articles of clothing over at me as she rapidly began slipping on my jeans and buttoning up my top, swimming in it.
"Hello. My name's Harry," she mocked me, trying to imitate my Cheshire accent and Zayn was creasing into his daiquiri as he finished it.
She went on. "Did you know there's a new type of broom? I heard it's sweeping the nation."
Marco roared with laughter, doubling over and Mia, Angela and Zayn were all in stitches after Adrienne told her bad dad joke, pretending to be me as she sat in my clothes.
I promptly flipped her off, laughing to myself as I struggled to slip into her skirt, which thankfully stretched, but it only came up to my the very, very top of my thighs and my briefs were sticking out the bottom.
I started rolling up the hems of my briefs next, tucking them in so that you couldn't see and then shimmied the tank top over my head, which barely fit down my torso so it ended up being a belly shirt instead.
"Oh Harry...you look gorgeous," Adrienne commented, smiling broadly.
"I do, don't I," I responded rhetorically, twisting my hips so that the skirt twirled. "What do you think Zayn? Thought you could embarrass me? Massive fail for you," I added, giving him a smug look.
I then walked over a ways away from the fire pit to an empty space and began strutting dramatically, even stopping to pose like models do on the catwalk and everyone was in stitches all over again.
Zayn just shook his head at me, smiling down to himself as he lit up a cigarette and blew the smoke out in front of him, leaning back on the wicker sofa beside where I now stood.
"You're crazy."
"Hey you chose this dare and if by crazy you mean crazy fit in this outfit then yes, you're correct," I spouted off, deciding to run with this dare at full speed; I even took a seat beside him afterward and crossed my legs daintily.
"I think it's quite flattering. Harry has great legs," Marco said, wiggling his dark eyebrows at me.
"He really does," Mia agreed before taking another rum shot.
"You know what Harry? I think you could pull off just about anything," Adrienne chimed in, tucking her legs underneath where she sat, nuzzling into Marco's arm, still in my plaid shirt.
I don't know why but I was totally buzzing off of all the compliments I was getting from them while dressed like that. I thought back and realized that the only time I'd ever worn feminine clothing before was when I was younger and acted in a play. I recalled wearing tights once and then there was Gemma, who used to dress me up sometimes for her little tea parties, complete with crochet white gloves and pearls.
But then I grew up and discovered football and became too cool to play around like that. I figured it was just a phase little boys went through sometimes and hadn't given it much thought, and none of it even crossed my mind again until now as I sat there in front of my new friends and Zayn, and dozens of other strangers drunkenly walking around and some tough looking lads who kept giving me these confused looks.
But I didn't care; I felt oddly comfortable in it.
"Maybe we ought to complete the look then. Get a fresh coat of paint on those nails," Zayn joked before reaching out to grab my hand, gazing down at my fingers.
His hand was warm on mine and I liked the way he held it, even for a moment, but I couldn't tell if he was actually being facetious or not, however, all the girls seemed extremely invested in this idea when he said it, lighting up right away as we sat around the fire pit, the sun now starting to set in the sky with its beautiful hues of pink and orange.
"A triple dare then? Alright. Might as well go all out," I agreed on a serious note, watching as Zayn looked at me sideways.
"Ooooh really!? I have nail polish in my purse!" Mia exclaimed suddenly as she bent down and started rummaging through her white leather hobo bag that was on the floor beneath her feet.
Angela then reached into her mini backpack as well and pulled out a small bottle. "Wait me too. I have this cute turquoise color."
Mia grabbed the nail polish bottle from Angela's hand and flounced over, shoving herself in between me and Zayn on the sofa. She grinned at me and placed the turquoise one down on the stone ledge, taking the black bottle in her hand and holding it up, shaking it a bit and then removed the top.
"Shall we?" she asked, taking my hand in hers.
"Go for it."
"Wow, you have really nice hands," she said with a smile as she started on my thumb nail.
"Thanks," I responded simply and heard Zayn snort under his breath.
But it took me about five seconds to conclude just how wasted Mia was, because as she painted she was definitely not doing that great of a job. In fact, she was awful. The black paint was getting down past my cuticles and it looked so messy, staining my skin and she was nearly dripping it everywhere.
"How are you such shit at this?" I asked, shaking my head.
"You aren't sitting still!" Mia retaliated.
"Yes I bloody am, you're just pissed drunk."
"Just let me do it Mia," Adrienne called out, starting to get up from her seat.
Then Zayn reached around Mia's body and snatched the bottle from her hand. "Alright that's enough of that. I'll do it for fuck's sake."
Mia got up from the sofa and nearly stumbled back to where she was sitting while Angela removed herself from the chair to bring her water. Zayn moved over closer beside me and took my hand in his, dragging his thumb across the parts of my thumbnail that were over painted, wiping the black color away before he continued on with the next bare one.
"Should have let the artist paint them in the first place."
Zayn leaned forward to retrieve the other nail paint bottle and began working on my middle finger, choosing to alternate the colors between turquoise and black.
I smiled at Zayn as he painted. "How fancy."
"It'll look cooler with both," he remarked.
"Yeah? They don't really match my outfit but I guess I'll deal with it."
"Eh, matching is overrated sometimes...if you knew anything about aesthetics," he teased me.
I toyed back. "Oooh I'm sorry, I had no idea you were such a fashion expert."
"Of course I am," Zayn replied as a matter of fact. "I know what looks good."
"Yeah? Do I look good?" I questioned shamelessly searching for a compliment from him.
"Mhm," Zayn replied as he finished painting my pinky nail and moved onto painting the thumbnail of my left hand.
"Mhm? That's all?"
Zayn smirked. "You're very sexy."
I beamed at him, satisfied, and Zayn continued speaking lowly to me as if no one else was around.
"So is this normal for you? Getting wasted and playing dress up?"
I let out a short laugh. "No, actually. But I s'pose my feminine side's really shining through, huh? Didn't even know she was in there until - " I cut myself off, shocked by the words that were coming out of my mouth.
Damn, if only Nick could see me like this.
"Until?" Zayn echoed as he continued with alternating the colors, finishing up the last two nails.
I finished my thought. "Until now."
Zayn remained concentrated. "Oh yeah? And what brought that awakening out?"
I smiled sheepishly at him and realized what was happening to me, and I was sure that he knew it was because of him, too. It was because of how comfortable and different Zayn made me feel lately and because of what we were doing together when we were alone.
Zayn smiled to himself and finished the job, placing the top back on the black nail paint bottle as he rested my hands on my thighs for them to dry.
"But it's just some clothes and a bit of nail paint. Why is that even considered feminine?"
And I thought for a minute about what Zayn said and knew he was right. Why did that this have to be for girls? Why couldn't people just do whatever they wanted, no matter what gender they were?
"Good point. I don't really know," I shrugged. "S'pose it's the downfall of these societal norms they've instilled in us."
"Fuck society," Zayn stated brashly.
I looked over and noticed that Mia and Angela had gotten up from the fire pit and meandered somewhere else but I couldn't spot them anymore and Adrienne and Marco were heavily making out now, sinking into their own world, which just left me and Zayn on the sofa surrounded by loads of dancing drunk people who weren't paying any attention as Cascada blared through the sound system in the background.
"Why are you so afraid of people knowing that you like men?" I then asked Zayn boldly, feeling the alcohol completely take over my thoughts.
Zayn blinked back at me and his face became stern, like he was in total defense mode. "I'm not afraid."
"Then why is it such a secret?"
"Because I just haven't come out yet." Zayn's reply was quiet as his finger tip crept by my skin, grazing my exposed thigh right below where the hem of the skirt rested and it made me shiver.
"But I will eventually," he continued.
I nodded. "So...are you just waiting for the right time then?"
"Yeah, something like that."
I knew in the back of my mind that I was prying too much and I said I wasn't going to do this to Zayn, but I couldn't stop myself. I just had so many questions for him; things I was dying to know.
"How do you know when that is?"
Zayn's tone turned sharp and then he suddenly snapped at me. "I don't fucking know Harry, why are you badgering me about it!?"
I was taken aback and immediately felt bad for trying to open him up when I shouldn't. My meadow eyes cast down into my lap like a puppy who had just been scolded, now wishing that I had left the conversation alone because I really didn't like the way his tone of voice sounded, especially because it was directed towards me.
"I'm not trying to...I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," I said, lifting my gaze up and met his eyes, frowning. "Are you mad at me?"
Zayn looked down at the ground for a brief moment and sighed outwardly. He shook his head slowly and looked back up at me, his face now growing softer and I instantly fell into his eyes.
"No I'm not," he answered with complete sincerity. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
Zayn then removed himself from the patio sofa and stood up, motioning for me to follow him.
"Come with me. Let me make it better."
Zayn lead me out behind the side of the house where the garage was and it was much quieter with nobody around. He instantly had me up against the siding with his hands on my waist, his lips centimeters away from mine and I almost forgot to breathe again.
"You're cute you know," he said to me as he slowly started to lean in closer and I felt the vibrations on his lips as he spoke against mine.
"Yeah?"
"Mhm...and I fancy this outfit on you, kitten."
I drew my mouth in closer, nipping at his bottom lip playfully. "That's why you chose that dare for me isn't it?"
He smiled into me guiltily. "Mm, the prettiest boy."
Zayn's lips then met mine in a split second and the heat between us shot up right from 0 to 60. His wet, pink tongue slid into my mouth without a moment to waste as the stubble from his five o'clock shadow ticked my clean shaven skin; I loved how that felt. Our hungry, eager tongues swirled together quickly, accumulating saliva and desperately searched each other out, lips smacking and sucking with such intensity as his grip on my hips tightened.
I felt Zayn's long, nimble fingers traveling up the skirt that I was still wearing, causing my knees to weaken from his sudden touch there while he backed me farther up against the side of the garage. His hands roamed my thighs, caressing them and then moved up the shorts part of my briefs, reaching around to cup my cheeks, fistfuls of my ass now in the palms of his hands as he squeezed and began slowly grinding into me.
I moaned softly into his mouth, already feeling my dick start to grow as Zayn continued to spread my ass cheeks apart and I felt him hardening against my thigh. Zayn removed his lips and tongue from my hot, wet mouth and he did that thing he always did where he spoke to me lowly against the skin of my neck, right below my ear and it made me quiver every time, before he even said anything.
"Wish you didn't have underwear on," he said before sucking gently on my neck, then proceeding to bite at the same wet spot, leaving a slight red mark because he knew I liked that.
"I...I can take them off," I uttered.
I began to feel the length of Zayn's cock start to stiffen even more through his jeans as he bucked gradually against me and I forgot where we were for a second. I moaned again, my hands traveling down to the skirt, ready to lift it up and pull my briefs down, but Zayn then freed his hand from my ass and stopped me from going that far.
"No, not now. Too many people still here."
I groaned, feeling desperate. "Please?" I begged.
"It's still early, Harry."
I pouted. "Then why'd you take me back here? You're always teasing me."
"Just a quick fix," he responded, bringing his lips back to mine and kissing me gently while I caved, purring and now clawing at his back. "Something to hold onto for later," he added, pulling his mouth away from me again, yet our bodies remained close together.
But my cock was already hard and I was impatient. Plus, I really, really wanted to keep the skirt on now.
"You think Adrienne will let me have the skirt?"
Zayn laughed. "Maybe. Perhaps I'll have to get you one of your own if you like it so much."
My eyes sparkled with delight.
"Thanks Zaddy."
And I froze after I said it. Fuck. I didn't realize what it was that I had said out loud until it happened, and Zayn just looked back at me with this intriguing expression on his face, his lips now curving into this slight smirk.
"Did you just call me Zaddy?"
I laughed awkwardly.
"Shit, yeah...I meant to say Daddy but I guess I'm a little bit drunker than I thought so...it came out wrong. Is Daddy weird too...?"
I was fumbling with the words, feeling my face flush because I wasn't sure how he felt about it.
"Shh," Zayn whispered, silencing me with an index finger pressed to my lips.
He then placed his thumb on my chin, rubbing it there gently. He cradled my jaw with his other hand and coaxed my mouth open, kissing me deeply once again until I melted and whimpered from the impact of his tongue, feeling a swarm of butterflies in the pit of my stomach from the sheer intensity of that particular kiss. It felt different; better. I couldn't describe why.
"Don't apologize. Say it again for me," he said, withdrawing.
"Which one?"
"First one."
"Zaddy?"
"Mm yeah," Zayn replied with a small smile and my heart skipped a beat from it.
He continued gazing into my eyes and trapped me there; I felt like I couldn't move, like Zayn had me in a trance as he finished his thought.
"I like that. Let's keep that one for us."
* * * * *
It was incredibly difficult to leave that spot but we had to, having almost been caught out by several jock-like bros who walked by. And soon after I changed back into my original clothes as per Adrienne's request, and a bit reluctantly at that. But she had a feeling and took me by the arm minutes afterward, letting me know that I could raid her closet any time I wanted to and she winked at me knowingly.
I felt so thankful that Adrienne had gone from having a crush on me to quickly becoming one of my best friends.
At some point I was several more tequila shots deep and I couldn't remember the last time I had ever been that wasted, probably not since the championship football game. I was now dancing like a maniac in the middle of the field with all the girls and Marco and had no clue where Zayn even was until I stopped what I was doing and spotted him next to a nearby tree talking to some guy I didn't recognize.
But the guy was really, really hot. But not in the same way that Zayn was hot. No, he was big and buff; he looked like a boxer, actually. He was tall and wearing a black muscle tank with tattoos on one arm, tan, and with piercing blue eyes and a buzz cut. My insides felt weird, like a little sick in the stomach when I saw them. And when I watched him smile back at Zayn it instantly made me feel annoyed.
So I decided that I had to know what they were talking about. I snuck out of the dancing crowd and walked nearby them, taking my phone out from my pocket and pretended like I was texting even though I wasn't.
"You're looking good. Better than ever," the guy said to Zayn in an American accent.
"Thanks Vin."
"Do you remember Marco's party last year?"
Zayn sipped on his drink before replying. "Yeah, vaguely."
Vin smirked. "Don't play like that. I know that you remember. How could you forget your first time?"
"First and only," Zayn clarified dryly.
"Only?" Vin looked surprised to hear him say that. "You bold faced liar. Come on, Zayn. We had a lot of fun together that summer. Don't pretend like we didn't."
Zayn threw his empty drink on the ground and crossed his arms. "Yeah well, it's not going to happen again."
Vin leaned in closer to him. "How can you be so sure?"
Zayn took a step back abruptly. "Because I'm not interested in being a bottom anymore. Things have changed for me since then. Now if you'll excuse me..."
I watched closely as Zayn stalked away from him and he paused, noticing that I was pacing on my phone doing nothing and obviously listening. I wasn't very good at being stealthy, and especially being hammered didn't help my case. Zayn then strolled over to me as he lit up a cigarette, looking a little agitated.
"You eavesdropping?"
"No," I lied.
"Wrong answer. Try again," he persisted.
I huffed, feeling my head throb. "Yeah, okay...okay. I was. I saw a hot guy talking to you. Gawking, really. Like he wanted to tear off your clothes. And I...I don't know. It made me feel weird.
I hesitated after I said what I said and realized then that I was jealous. Straight up jealous. And jealousy stemmed from having feelings; feelings that were developing for Zayn in a non exclusive summer fling that was not supposed to be any sort of serious, invested relationship. So I freaked out and instantly stopped everything I was saying before I dug myself a deeper hole.
"I'm sorry. Forget what I said. It's not what I meant."
But Zayn saw right through me. "No you meant it. You meant every word of it, and you're jealous."
I shifted my weight, feeling nervous. "Yeah but it's stupid and I shouldn't be."
Zayn stared back at me, his eyes serious. "Harry."
"What?"
"You're not stupid."
"I feel like I am."
Zayn reached out and squeezed my hand reassuringly. "You're not."
"Okay," I replied softly, smiling a little.
But I still didn't like how vulnerable and how sensitive my emotions felt at that moment and I blamed most of it on the alcohol setting me up, but somehow I knew it was more than that. So I tried to search for a more comfortable place in my mind, freeing my brain of my confusing and inebriated thoughts.
"So...you were a bottom?"
God, I couldn't seem to shut up no matter what I did, could I?
The conversation between Zayn and Vin was none of my business and not meant to be heard by anyone and even after I apologized to Zayn for listening in I still had the audacity to bring it back up.
Sometimes I really hated myself.
But Zayn was so patient with me. "I didn't know what I was at first. I was just experimenting," he explained casually, taking a drag off his cigarette.
So I took his honest answer as a green light that it wasn't off limits to talk about.
"You didn't like it?"
"Let's just say he was way too aggressive." Zayn's voice was strained and he seemed a little uncomfortable.
"How aggressive?" I shot back angrily, feeling fired up with rage at the thought of someone physically hurting Zayn.
"Harry...calm down," Zayn insisted lowly.
"Please. It's over and done with, alright? It was all new to me at the time. And now I prefer to top. So that's all you need to know."
I nodded slowly and met his eyes, feeling soft again. I just wanted to be close to him, much closer, for Zayn to hold me and kiss me deeply again.
And I didn't realize just how clingy and how emotional of a drunk I really was. In fact, I think it was a totally new thing for me because I didn't remember being this way before.
And of course I continued to stay completely on brand for the night by saying the next thing that I said out loud, letting this thought slip out to Zayn.
"I want to know what it feels like."
"To be fucked in the ass?" he asked.
"Yeah. How come we haven't done it yet?"
"We will," he ensured me.
"When?" I asked hopefully, feeling my heart beat louder at the thought.
He leaned into my ear and whispered softly.
"Very soon."
* * * * *
But unfortunately it didn't happen that night. I accidentally got way too fucked up instead and ended up passing out drunk at some point during the night, and I didn't even remember how I got back into my bed in the guest house but that's where I woke up the next day.
I groaned loudly, lifting my heavy head up off the pillow and peered around the empty room. I was completely naked and alone. Great. I began cursing myself out once again for getting too messed up and ruining what could have been a good night for me.
I decided I really needed to chill out.
Forcing myself out of bed, I stretched my long limbs above my head and trudged into the kitchen, dragging my feet. I began searching for a bottle of water for my parched throat and swung open the fridge door, only to see my green water jug was filled up to the top and a pre-made smoothie sat in a tumbler that I easily recognized, and there was a note attached to it.
Morning kitten. Rest up today because I'm taking you somewhere tonight.
Zaddy x