monday- april 6th
"remember the homework is due in tomorrow! if you forget it's 60 minute detentions with miss Parry in c12 on friday after school!"
mr yalha (yol-har) yelled as the sound of the bell dismissed us, making a loud buzz of conversation fill my ears.
i turned to Tatum "detentions with miss parry are fun, she's never even in the room" i giggle. she agreed and followed me out of english class as we made our way to lunch break.
"what are you doing for the project gray?"
"no idea, will prolly come up w something at 2am on thursday morning, work on it till 6am, come to school and sleep at the back of mr emmonds math class"
"graysonnnn" tate groaned
"what's she up to now?" kai said as he joined us from walking out of bio, on our walk down the hallway.
"nothing" i cut in
"Gray, you better not be hooking up with Paris again"
"yo that's none of your business. and besides, why not? she's cute"
"because you always say you want something serious with somebody and you can't do that if you keep hooking up with girls"
i roll my eyes and sigh, completely ignoring what kai had said to me.
we carried on walking until we reached the cafeteria. i fucking hate lunch breaks. usually that's everyone's favourite part of the day but i hate it. not to be like 'pick me! i'm not like other girls' but i'm actually not like other girls.
lunch break sucks ass, all i do it sit in the cafeteria zoning out for 45 minutes while i have the background noise of my friends talking shit about who knows what, only zoning back in to to give my strong opinions on things that no one else cares about.
we found our table and took our seats. i must have had the same seat in the cafeteria since i started here years ago.
i turned around to see a group of people follow one person in. i didn't have to figure out who it was, everyone new. it was the one and only -billie eilish.
i watched as she sat up on top of the table, her legs spread wide with her upper body leant over, her arms resting on her lower thighs. the group of girls surrounded her, twisting they dead end, dry ass hair around theirs manicured fingers.
what the fuck-
ew.
billie.
i observed her closely, as i do quite often. her asshole demeanour was a front, if you watched her long enough, stared at her eyes long enough, you could see through the cracks of her badass facade and into something much more complicated.
her gold grill placed on her bottom set of teeth sparkled when she spoke, her chains sat perfectly around her neck falling nicely onto her chest. she brought her hands up to her head to fix her black beanie before dropping her hand to her lap, adjusting the many rings on her fingers.
every once in a while she would cock her head back to laugh at someone someone said. once her head found it natural place again she broke character for a second. her eyes looking heavy.
after a few minutes everything felt off. almost not real. like i was dreaming, but not the good kind.
suddenly a wave of anxiety flew across me.
i began to feel sick and my heart started racing, tatum noticed as soon as my leg started bouncing up and down and my head dropped to look at my hands that were sitting in my lap.
"yo Grayson? you good?"
i felt myself go a little dizzy
"nah uh"
my breathing increased. i started panicking.
i got up and left the room within seconds, running to the restrooms as soon as i got out of the cafeteria doors.
i reached the bathroom and swung the door open as i ran inside. i threw my bag down and leaned over the sinks, my elbows resting on the worktop, my hands tangled in my hair while tears began streaming down my face.
anxiety and panic disorders suck ass dude.
at that moment the door swung open again to reveal tate. she walked to me slowly and pulled me up to hug her, i hid my face in her neck and i sobbed, my heart beating a million miles an hour.
"did- did anyone s- see" i asked frantically
"umm, just that Billie girl i think. she watched as you walked out. she looked like she felt pity tho, she wasn't being a bitch don't worry gray"
great. the hottest girl in school saw me running out of the cafeteria crying. that's not embarrassing.
i backed away from the hug and pressed my back against the wall and slid down it so i was sat with my knees up, arms resting on them with my head down as i cried.
the door opens again
"fuck off we're busy" i say
"shit- um. here take these, they'll make you feel better"
i look up to see
billie.
nah-
i just stare at her stunned
tate just backed away and left the bathroom. she's been trying to get me to speak with billie for literal years but i'm too much of a pussy.
i was still crying and breathing heavy.
she sits down on the floor infront of my with her legs crossed, takes a water bottle from her pocket and hands me two pills. i look into her hand and see a pack of pills labeled 'kalms"
"don't worry i'm not tryna kill you. they're herbal anxiety meds, they'll help w the nausea, dizziness and rapid heartbeat'
i took the pills into my mouth and took the water from her hand, pouring some down my throat and handing it back to her.
"why are you helping me?" i asked cautiously
"because panic attacks are shitty.. and ur cute" then she got up and left, her many chains clinking together as she walked with her hands in her pockets, leaving me in denial.
she did not just say i'm cute- Jesus.
i clean myself up, splashing cold water over my face and wiping my tears away, fixing my hair and walking to my last class. Chemistry.
i walk in and take my usual place next to Tatum. as expected she freaked out asking me millions of question to which i replied bluntly. these shitty panic attacks drain me, i always feel exhausted afterwards.
i dragged my ass through chemistry and packed my shit up and left when i heard the bell.
home, finally
—————————
"no dudeee" i groaned down the phone at tatum. i heard her giggle through the screen.
she's tryna get me to talk to billie while kai is tryna convince me not to. apparently her "asshole tendencies will reflect on me if we become close"
of course, i completely disagreed with him. i'm not a very impressionable person. i have my ways i do things and it takes a lot to change them.
"did you tell your mom about the panic attack you had earlier?" she said softly
my face went blank apart from the slight frown on my eyebrows. of course i didn't tell my mom, she's hardly ever at home.
"gray?" she repeated even softer than before
"she's working" i stated
the room fell silent.
"gotta go , talk tomorrow"
i ended the facetime call dropping my phone onto my soft bedsheets.
i whistled three times and then heard steps running up the stairs, the door swung open to reveal a very propt meilo (me-lo). aka my dog.
i've had him since i was 9, he's my best friend.
he sat down waiting for a command. he's extremely well trained.
"c'mere bud"
he jumps up on my bed and sat down again, i lean over to take his collar off letting him know he doesn't need to wait for orders, he starts to become excited "cuddles?" i say
he pushes the blanket back with his head and climbing underneath and leaning back to take the blankets into his mouth, pulling them back over him.
he snuggled up to me, licking my face before calming down and falling asleep, me doing the same.