Alyssum needed to think, she had a new song and was feeling very melancholy about it and hated it. She wasn't where she was a few months ago--or where she was when writing her album--but she was feeling something and she just couldn't put her finger on what exactly the feeling was or where it came from.
She thought that it could be nerves for the concert, but she'd been doing them for years and this time around she didn't have the same excited, nervous undertone that she was used to feeling. She wanted to scream with frustration over not knowing what she was feeling, the only thing she was able to do was put it all down on paper in a song and hope it makes sense.
She went through soundcheck and watched The Delinquents from the back of the stadium do theirs and Alyssum couldn't wait to start this tour, she wanted to get out of Miami and get into the studio again, she loved making music, she wasn't a big fan of performing it even though she was really good at it. Her shows weren't lackluster or boring, she gave it 110% even when she had the flu.
When the time came for her to go on stage, she was calm, the calmest she'd ever been in her life and when she had her dancers and band huddle up for the prayer circle, she emanated that factor and some of them questioned if she were okay. She's great, she's just calmly gearing up for the next hour and a half of non-stop dancing eighteen months after spinal surgery, she's fine.
Walking on stage was something else, the darkness, the quiet crowd, the slow and steady bass drum pounding every five seconds until she was at her mark. This was how she intended on the tour starting, this song, this goodbye to who her fans were expecting, she's not the Silver Linings singer anymore, she's Alyssum Graves and no one could change or take that from her.
"One-sided
Everything about your love was one-sided
Didn't cover it up or disguise it
You used my dream against me to tie me
To you
Two years too many we tried to get it right
Hit like a shot of tequila without the lime
You've got your reasons and yeah I got my rhymes
So this time
This time
"I got myself together
Got a new attitude
Hope that I see you never
I'm so over you
Got myself together
You're out of my mind
Now all that I can say is
Better luck next time
Better luck next time"
It wasn't like Alyssum wrote the song as a farewell to Silver Linings, it wasn't the intent, but when the lyric came to mind in the second verse, Alyssum couldn't help but make it that. It was a break-up song and that's what the band did, and though Alyssum wasn't thinking about anyone in the band while writing it, it's being perceived as though it were. Alyssum never confirmed it, but she wanted to use that interpretation to set the record straight; that she's done with that part of her career.
"We tried it
But when two hearts don't light up you can't fight it
And in every storm there's still silver linin'
And with every day that passes I find it"
It's about her back, about how broken and depressed she got while fighting and maybe people forget that part of her life. Forget that she's been through a massive trauma that could have killed or disfigured her and she somehow made it out unscathed.
"I got myself together
Got a new attitude
Hope that I see you never
I'm so over you
Got myself together
You're out of my mind
Now all that I can say is
Better luck next time
"Blame on mistakes
But we had to roll the dice
Now all that I can say
Is better luck next time
Yeah
Better luck next time"
The rest of the night was amazing and everything Alyssum thought it was going to be. She caught Cassidy on the side of the stage with a smile on his face and maybe that pushed her to do better, to perform better, but she'll never admit that to anyone.
"Hey, Atlanta! We're on with recording artist Alyssum Graves, whose Resurrection Tour is completely sold out! Except, we have a pair of tickets for tonight's concert that we're giving away right NOW! Here's how it's going to work, we're going to ask you a question about an Alyssum Graves rumor and if you're right, you're going to the concert, if you're wrong, well then we move on to the next caller. Y'all know the number, dial in, I'm looking for caller number one hundred.
"Alyssum, how do you feel about some of your dirty laundry being aired out?"
"I thought when I agreed to this, that I'd be nervous, but I'm feeling good."
"Is that because the reviews on last night's concert are so good?"
"Partly, but I like not having old secrets bound up and restricting what I say sometimes so it's good. Cathartic."
"Awesome! Alright, caller one hundred, what's your name?"
"Monica."
"Hi, Monica," Alyssum smiled.
"Hi," she sounded nervous.
"Sweetie, don't be nervous, I'm sure you'll do fine."
"All right, Monica, what's Alyssum Graves's favorite color?"
"Purple?"
"I'm sorry, it's always been green. Is that seriously a rumor?"
"It was in Tiger Beat and Just Jared."
"Weird."
"Next caller, what's your name?"
"Cole," the deep voice said and Alyssum grimaced. It was Cassidy, of course, he was going to call in and fuck with her.
"What kind of pet did Alyssum Graves have?"
"A dog named Bowie."
"Cassidy," Alyssum said and all she heard was laughter.
"Yeah, you got me, Princess. See you tonight at soundcheck."
The line went dead and Pauli looked at her. "That was Cassidy Cole calling in to bust your balls?"
"Yep," she popped the p. "He's annoying like that."
"I want to delve into that, but later, we're playing a game. Next caller?"
"Hi, I'm Josie."
"Hi, Josie. Who was the first member of Silver Linings that Alyssum was in a relationship with?"
"Phil."
"No, actually, before we were signed, we had a keyboardist named Riley that was my first musician relationship. He and I wrote a lot of songs together and it just happened. He didn't want to be famous, just to write songs so he didn't join the band but he's written some of our songs and some for other artists too. He's still a close friend."
"Interesting. Next caller."
"Hey, Alyssum! I'm Nick."
"Hi."
"Nick, what broke up Silver Linings?"
"Alyssum being a hoe."
"Wow, not even remotely close." She reached over and ended the call. "Next caller, same question."
"Hi, I'm Hannah. Silver Linings broke up because of the car accident last November in Miami."
"That's not the only reason, but it's one. A big one, I'm going to give it to her."
Hannah squealed over the phone and Alyssum grimaced at the cacophony.
"All right, Hannah! You're going to the Resurrection Tour tonight, stay on the line."
"Congratulations. So for anyone who doesn't know, I was in a car accident eighteen months ago and was nearly paralyzed but the doctors I had were amazing and in six months I was back on my feet and working on getting back to where I was physically before the accident. Every day is still a challenge, I wake up some days with numb toes and sometimes it doesn't stop tingling for hours. If I stumble on stage during a performance or fall because my legs gave out, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. My team and I have every scenario thought out and even though I want my concerts to be big and fun and epic, if I need to slow down and take a breath, sit down for a few songs, I'm going to. Unless I'm unconscious, I'm not going to end the show."
"The show where Cassidy Cole's band is headlining."
"I see what you're doing. No, there's nothing going on between me and Cassidy or any of The Delinquents. I'm happily single and just figuring out who I am without the complications of someone new."
"That sounds very healthy."
"I may have had some help figuring that out from a therapist while I was in rehab."
"Rehab?"
"Yeah, I broke my back and had to relearn how to walk and dance and run and jump, literally everything. It was a process and talking about it with someone made it easier. And I learned a lot about myself in the process."
After Cassidy's little phone call to the radio interview, people were asking for them to do interviews together, thinking him annoying her is funny or whatever, they apparently have a ship name and everything. Alyssum didn't care, she just didn't want to deal with it or him, he's arrogant and annoying and always calling her "Princess" because Silver Linings won Radio Disney's Next Big Thing, and considering they were up against two boy bands and a really hot male singer-songwriter, Alyssum thought winning was something to be proud of.
They fought like there was no tomorrow in Nashville, bit each other's heads off in Houston, pissed in each other's Cheerios in Dallas. Made some common ground in Kansas City and now they're in St. Louis talking to Ricky.
"Alyssum, your tour is a huge hit! What made you choose The Delinquents as your openers?"
Alyssum was so glad that she was quick on her feet because she could lie about the whole picking their name out of a hat thing, no one had to know that truth. "You know, I have always been a fan since Dog Days came out. I was listening to it non stop and my friends were trying to get me to focus on the song I was in the middle of writing. We had a whole album waiting for this song and I just couldn't get Dog Days out of my head."
"Really? Sing me a lyric," Cassidy challenged with disbelief but she knew how it sounded on the radio, playful and intimate. Maybe people weren't so far off with their assumption when he talked to her like that.
"It's the long hot dog days
That make me want to scream your name
To call you back
Have the last laugh
Get one last touch
One more kiss goodbye
And I'll be done."
"Honestly, I didn't think you knew it."
"Just because I know the lyrics of your songs doesn't mean I swooned over you. I was in a relationship."
"Which one?"
"Shut up."
"That usually means it's Phil," he smirked at Ricky.
"No, it doesn't. My past love life doesn't matter."
"Opposed to the non-existent current one."
"You're one to talk, you haven't been with anyone since the tour started."
"I'm saving my virtue for someone special," Cassidy deadpanned and Alyssum couldn't help but genuinely laugh. "Alright, Alright. You're right, she's right. I haven't been my usual self on tour and I'm not saying it's because I have someone waiting for me at home or because I'm working on myself like this one over here. I just haven't been feeling it this tour."
"We're only two weeks in, there's plenty of time for him to change his mind," Alyssum rolled her eyes but her smile remained fond.
They finished up the interview and had the day off from tour, she could have gone back to LA or maybe New York and seen her mother but she really wanted to curl up on a lounge chair and read a good book. She'd been dying to read The Sadness of Beautiful Things: Stories by Simon Van Booy. She had a hard copy on the bus but never got around to actually reading it. She had a hotel suite and wished she could lounge by the pool downstairs but knew people would recognize her and then gawk at her scars. She didn't want that, it was bad enough wearing pantyhose on stage and fearing they could see through it to the scar on her leg. There's beauty within it but people never thought of that right off the bat and it was annoying tiptoeing around their words when her insecurity was off the charts.
With the book in her hand she passed an open hotel room door with the sound of a guitar being plucked. She knew that she shouldn't just walk in while someone's creating music but she really liked the melody so she stepped into the room and found Cassidy with his eyes closed playing a painted acoustic guitar. She didn't even know that he played.
"That's beautiful," she said before she realized what she was doing.
His fingers froze as his eyes snapped open. "Thanks," he grimaced before grabbing his phone and pressed a few buttons on the screen. "What's up?"
"I was just going to read on my balcony. Are you writing a song?"
"That's typically what people do when they're playing guitar. Alone."
"You never play on stage, you could just be learning."
Cassidy laughed. "No, my sister had anger issues growing up and to pay for her drum lessons, I would do some house cleaning or yard work for her teacher, whatever he needed for the week. He had a guitar lying on his porch one afternoon and I was just finishing up and going to talk to him about something and instead of knocking on the front door, I picked up the guitar. I played before I knew I could sing."
"That's a nice story that people should know."
"People don't want to know about the boy who did everything he could to keep his sister out of trouble."
"Of course they do. No offense, but people look at you and they see a womanizing asshole, maybe if you let people see a softer side of you they'll stop throwing you into that stereotypical box. Maybe we could write something together too."
"With this?" He asked plucking the guitar strings again in the same melody.
"I mean, I had an idea with it, but it's up to you."
"I couldn't think of words so if you could, go ahead."
"People will go crazy if we release something together, you know that."
"They're already going crazy over Cassium and the label's leaning into it, why shouldn't we?"
"Cassium?"
"Our ship name."
"Like the flower? Or cadmium the element? The flower is beautiful but the element...."
"I mean," he widened his arms as though to have her look at him and she smirked, getting what he meant but she rolled her eyes trying not to blush because he inadvertently called her beautiful too and she didn't not want him to think that but it was still weird.
"You're serious?"
"About writing a song with you? Sure," he shrugged.
"It's a little edgier than my style."
"Which is my style, what's the lyric?"
"I'd ask if you're good with singing about drugs and alcohol but you wrote three songs on your last album with Jasper Jordan so I know my answer."
"The Princess is getting that far away from her roots?"
"Been pretty far from them for a while. So that melody..."
Cassidy blinked and his whole demeanor changed. "Right. I record on my phone and it's pretty good with reminding me of the chords for me to write down later. It's my process. Want to hear it?"
"Yeah," Alyssum smiled and came into the room, pushing the door closed, she didn't want people to hear them collaborating.
Cassidy tapped his phone screen a few times and the song started playing and Alyssum nodded, coming up with lyrics for different parts and what should be his and what could be hers if she actually agreed to collaborate with him. Writing a song is one thing, performing it is completely different.
It cut off with her walking into the room and Alyssum knew that he was annoyed that she interrupted him but was probably grateful that she's helping him with the lyrics he was stumped on.
"Play it again," Alyssum asked as she brought Voice Memos up on her own phone recording their ideas and Cassidy pressed play. "Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night/ Catch me I'm the one on the run away from the headlights/ bum bum, dun bud-ump bum buh um bah dum bum duh-duhh/ I think something's fucking wrong with me!"
Cassidy paused his phone and Alyssum looked up at him waiting.
"You're going to sing that to your fans?"
"No, I think you're going to sing that... I think my part is somewhere later, if anywhere at all."
"If we write a song together, we're both going to perform it or I'm not doing it."
Alyssum huffed. "Fine."
"Cool. I'm going to try that," he said, picking up his guitar. "Watch me take a good thing and fuck it all up in one night/ Catch me I'm the one on the run away from the headlights/ No sleep, up all week wasting time with people I don't like/ I think... something's fucking wrong with me! How was that?"
"That was great. I like the no sleep line."
"It's about night time so I figured it could be something like that and it fit."
Alyssum smiled and they continued with the song until it was three in the morning and she was about to call Anna to book them a studio to record it but realized the time. "I should, uh, get to my room. I'm honestly surprised Anna didn't blow up my phone looking for me."
"I texted March about an hour in and told him that we were in the zone and couldn't be bothered."
"And let me guess, he made a snarky remark..."
"Actually no, I think he was just proud that I let someone into my writing process."
"You write alone?"
"Yeah. Me and my guitar. The only thing I let others in on are the instruments that they play. The songs are mine."
"I didn't know that. I kind of see everything, all the instruments and what odd ones I want to add in like the flute on..."
"Give My All?"
"Yeah," Alyssum yawned.
"You can stay if you want, I can sleep on the floor."
"I'm just down the hall."
"The other end of the hotel," he noted, concerned.
"I think I can walk a straight line at three am after songwriting, Cassidy."
"Whatever you say, Princess."
Alyssum opened the door and looked down the long hallway that was twice as long around the bend she was going to have to walk all the way to the end of to get to her suite.
She sighed. "You're right."
Cassidy bit back a smile as Alyssum closed the door. "We can share a king-size bed, we have all night already, what's a few more hours?"
"Do you want a pair of my boxers to sleep in. I don't have sweat pants up here to offer you."
Alyssum looked at her right skinny jeans and thought of her lace panties underneath. "Yes, please."