This chapter mostly focuses on your character, and a bit of your relationship with Levi.
-
YOU RECOGNIZED the desperate voices calling out for you to wake up, but you couldn't see anything in the murky black of the world around you. You were running, and something horrid was burning all over. You had a terrifying moment where you realized that the thing on fire was you.
No sight, no sound, no feeling except for the horrible scent of burning flesh. The flames erupted, and the light came to your eyes. You were laying on your back, eyes half-liddedly open as you gazed upwards at the walls of Shiganshina District. Covered in black soot and grey ash, laying in the middle of the small crater that had formed on the ground after you detonated your thunderspears.
You tried moving your body, but you couldn't. To your horror, you realized that you were lacking limbs and a few fingers. The fires were slowly burning away at your flesh, at your hair. The clouds of ash were settling on your open wounds. Blood seeped out of your mouth and ears. And there was no one there to help you.
One particularly large stipe of fire ran its sharp rake over the sides of your body, and you found yourself struggling to breathe through the pain and smoke. You wanted to hack and cough it all out from your lungs and your teary eyes, but there was no use in trying to cling to life. You were alive, but as good as dead.
Somebody was calling for you from the top of Wall Maria. Your vision cleared, and you could make out the faces of your subordinates. The very first squad whom you had the pleasure of leading during your first official expedition as a promoted soldier. There they were—Linus with his energetic smile, Hilda with her kind face, Nick with his fiery red hair that matched his sister's locks. They were peering down at you from the edge of the wall.
You wanted to cry out to them, apologize for what you had done to them and for having failed to save them, but opening your mouth only invited more smoke to enter your body. So instead, you stared. As if it would show them how sorry you were. And you kept on gazing at them, certain that the faces of your dead subordinates was a sure sign that they were extending their arms to you so you could follow their souls to the afterlife soon.
Is this a dream? you wondered. Or is this real?
Somehow, this seemed a little too concise for your liking.
You tried to remember what had happened. You had run across the land, dragging a heavy rope of thunderspears around while a bunch of Titans stood around Shiganshina District. It was the most exhausting thing you had ever done in your entire life. If the flames weren't going to kill you, the physical strain definitely would.
I was a good soldier, you thought, slipping from consciousness and allowing yourself to let go. It was a good life.
Then the second round of thunderspears went off and blew up the rest of your body to bits.
-
WHEN YOUR EYES SHOT OPEN and you sprung up on your bed, the repulsive taste of vomit was lingering in your mouth. You nearly panicked when you realized that you were surrounded by darkness again, but eventually you felt the soft mattress under your body and the cold droplets of sweat that were rolling down your back and realized that your senses were present.
Your numb hands blindly reached for your bare legs, and thankfully, they were still there.
It was just a dream, you told yourself.
You tried to fall back asleep, but both sides of your pillow were terribly warm. Like you really had been on fire. The thought made you uncomfortable as you tossed and turned around in frustration and fear. If your mind wasn't playing tricks on you, you swore you could smell smoke. You couldn't breathe properly.
Why wasn't the dream disappearing from your head? Didn't most dreams usually disappear moments after waking up?
Eventually you realized that there would be no sleep for you tonight and gave in. The headquarters had gone quiet around you, but you still made sure to tip-toe so no one would catch you wandering about. You aimlessly walked around the corridors, hearing snoring from a few of the rooms as you passed by. The young ghost haunting the floors of her beloved house.
You made it to the ground floor and saw a bit of warm light peeking from under the ajar door to an office. Curious, you carefully sneaked over to the door and peered through the crack, but when you saw the familiar head of neatly combed black hair sitting at the desk in front, your eyes widened and you quickly tried to back away as quietly as possible. But the floorboard underneath you suddenly creaked, and your position was betrayed.
"Come in."
You froze when you heard Captain Levi's command. But there was no point in declining an order, so you pushed the door open and closed it after you once you were inside. He was sitting at his desk.
"Good evening, sir," you greeted timidly.
"Tch, it's nearly three o'clock in the morning," he said, crossing his arms as he put down his cup of tea on the table. "What are you sneaking around in the middle of the night for?"
"Exercise, sir," you offered. Levi scoffed and clicked his tongue.
"It's a little too early to be exercising your body when you have all of the morning to do that."
"I didn't know it was forbidden, sir," you said.
"It's not. I was simply curious about your whereabouts," he said. His words were calm as usual, but there was no suspicion in them. "Ruining your sleep schedule will do you no good."
"I know, sir," you said, rubbing the spot behind your neck. "I'll try to be more subtle next time. I'm sorry for the disturbance."
"Though, I would appreciate it if you were honest with me as to why you're up and about at this hour," said Levi, his gaze boring into you. "Why do you do so?"
The images flashed in your mind again. A sea of hot flames, dead subordinates, ash and soot, your severed body parts scattered all around, and the giant explosions that nearly killed you—
Suddenly you felt completely vulnerable in your place. You helplessly stared into Levi's eyes, and at once he understood. Something flickered in his own hues in response, and you swore that it was understanding. Maybe even some compassion.
He took a sip of tea from his cup. "I see."
Levi resumed arranging the items on his desk and leaned back into a more comfortable sitting position. Your eyes darted around the office for a few good moments as you wondered what else to do besides leaving. There was a fireplace situated by the wall, barren and empty despite the chill of the night.
The corporal's voice suddenly caught your attention.
"If you want to start a fire, go ahead."
You tensed up a little. A fire was only well behaved in its bed of iron, but should the wind call upon its spark, should the earth call for its flame, should the water cry out for warmth — fire could easily take the leap. It was the very last thing you wanted near you.
"It's alright, sir," you replied, a little bit of panic in your tone. "I don't mind the cold."
"Why?"
"I don't like fire," you answered meekly.
Levi looked up at you for a second before returning his eyes to the papers on his desk.
"Neither do I."
You nodded. You simply stood there, unsure whether you should head back to your room or not.
"You can stay here," Levi said flatly, as if he knew what you were thinking. "I won't mind."
It was not an order, but an invitation. You were a little surprised that the captain had made that offer when there was nothing else you could give him in return other than your bothersome company. The best way for you to show him gratitude was probably by not disturbing him.
There was a plush red seat beside the fireplace. You imagined that it was meant to be sat on while the iron gates had flames flickering behind them. If fire hadn't scared you, you might have found it calming. But there was no fire, no light other than the little candles placed about the room, so you floated to the chair and hesitantly sat down.
When your muscles relaxed a little after realizing that Levi was indeed not planning to kick you out, you leaned back into the seat and sighed as the soft velvet cloth greeted your spine.
You felt Levi's eyes on you a few times but he mostly focused his attention on his belongings.
"Was I really the lieutenant, sir?" you suddenly asked.
The pages stopped flipping and you looked over your shoulder to see Levi glancing at you.
"Yeah, you were."
You were perplexed. How could you be a lieutenant in the military?
"But I'm too young to be a lieutenant."
"You are."
That took you aback. "Then why was I a lieutenant in the first place?"
Levi paused in his arranging to look at you. "Our commander needed a soldier with a good head on her shoulders to defend Shiganshina District. There was a lack of hands, so you were chosen."
"Hange?" you asked, thinking back to their friendly interactions with you. Levi shook his head.
You could see yourself in a faraway memory. A younger version of you, maybe about ten or eleven years old, sitting on a chair in the same office as two other men conversed before you. One of them was Levi, seated at his desk. The other was a kempt blond man who wore a calm and collected expression on his face, icy blue eyes giving you pity. They were breaking the news to you that your parents had died.
"Erwin," you realized. Levi's face shifted into an unreadable expression.
"You can remember him?"
"I just did..." you trailed off. "He's dead, isn't he?"
"He is," Levi confirmed. When he saw the sad question in your eyes, he added, "Last year. Battle of Shiganshina. He and Armin were both on their deathbeds. When I had to choose who to give the Titan serum to, I chose the boy."
You were at a loss for words. That you could remember Commander Erwin, that he had died, that Levi chose Armin over him, that you were happy that Armin was alive but sad that Erwin was forever gone. And despite knowing that Armin must be a smart lad, you knew that there would be no brain quite like Commander Erwin's in living existence. He was irreplaceable.
At the same time, so was Armin. You did not want to voice out any thoughts about the why Armin thing, because you were certain that there must be a better reasoning. Instead you focused on other depressing matters.
"You lost a commander and a lieutenant last year," you said quietly. "Two of your friends."
"That's right."
A painful ache tugged at your heartstrings. "I didn't get to say good-bye to him."
"He would have forgiven you," replied Levi. Another emotion flashed in his eyes. Guilt. "He would have wanted to ask for your forgiveness as well."
"And why is that, sir?" you asked. Levi sighed as he pushed the papers away on his desk and leaned back into his chair.
"He would have wanted to apologize for making you a lieutenant."
You didn't really understand what he was talking about, why Commander Erwin would have wanted to apologize for promoting you to the position. The only thing going through your head was that he was now in your memory, but he was gone. Never to return.
"Captain," you began. "How did we know each other?"
"I'm in no position to tell you that," replied Levi.
You were perplexed. "Who's directive was that?"
"It was my directive," he answered, turning back to his papers. "Now, if I were you, I'd try to sleep."
You gave him a nod, turning back to face the empty fireplace and calming yourself. Erwin was gone. There was nothing you could do about that. And Levi said that he would have forgiven you for not having said goodbye.
His voice was coming back to you in an echo, praising you, urging you to move forward.
"I have faith that Y/N will be one of the best soldiers the Walls has ever seen."
Levi was now flipping through a thick book about old Survey Corps records. The calming sound of the pages turning had you nodding off to sleep.
When you woke up at the crack of dawn, you found yourself still seated at the plush chair. You slowly sat up, hissing when your back started to ache having rested in a slouching position. It was a little ironic that your first night back in Trost District had not been spent inside your bedroom.
You got up and looked around the office. The captain was no longer there, and you tiredly walked back to your room to get dressed in uniform before anyone else could see you looking so messy.
Why didn't the captain wake me? you wondered, grumpy from the lack of sleep. Then you remembered that he was under no obligation to take responsibility for you in the morning and sighed as you trudged through the hallway.
"Waking up late, eh? I see you're still incapable of waking up early in the morning." you remembered him saying to you sometime ago back in the camp. Had it a habit of yours to wake up late? It must have been, by the looks of it.
You were so sleepy and out of it that you almost didn't notice it when you accidentally shouldered someone on your way to your room. The moment you realized your mistake, your eyes snapped open and you rushedly spun around to utter "I'm sorry!"
"It's fine," Eren replied, studying your mildly tired expression. It took you every muscle in your face to not contort into a wide-eyed expression. "I was looking for you, actually."
"Oh, really?" you squeaked, nonchalantly trying to flatten the stray flyaway strands of hair from messily sticking out from your head. "Um, why is that?"
"'Cause you weren't there at breakfast," said Eren. "Mikasa tried knocking on your door when we were going downstairs, but you weren't opening it. I told her that you were probably just tired from the trip yesterday, so I let you sleep. "
Your eyes widened. He was looking out for you.
"But when you didn't show up for breakfast, I got a little worried and wondered where you were."
Why was he so protective of you?
Eren's cheeks flushed into a neat shade of pink. "And I didn't want you to show up on your first day of training on an empty stomach, so..."
You couldn't help but think that he looked cute when he was flustered.
Eren awkwardly began rambling about something, but you were having a difficult time trying to pay attention to his words. All you could see how pink his cheeks were getting from having admitted about worrying for you, how innocently adorable his green eyes looked. It was as though he was just as shy as you were, which was endearing. There was no mistaking the way your heart fluttered a little.
Stop thinking about him like that. He's just your ally and your friend, why are you being so weird? Pay attention to what he's saying, it's rude not to listen to what he has to say after he just came to check up on you. He's trying to tell you something. Hey, remember when he was shirtless in front of you—?
"—so, would you like to eat it? It's a little salty, though."
You snapped out of your thoughts. "Huh?"
"I asked if you wanted to eat it," Eren repeated. "I wanted to give it to you."
Your cheeks warmed immediately. "Give what?"
"Your breakfast," replied Eren, like it was obvious.
"...what?"
"Aren't you a little hungry?" he asked. You stared at him, dumbfounded.
"Hungry for what?"
"For food," he said, looking equally as confused as you were. "For breakfast... or do you not wanna eat?"
You had to take a few seconds to pull yourself together before answering. "Oh—yeah, I wanna have some breakfast."
You followed Eren down to the empty mess hall. Once the two of you were sitting at a table by the corner, Eren reached into his pocket and took out a small lunchbox before handing it to you. You did your best to keep a neutral face when his hand brushed against yours, but you couldn't help the sudden flex that graced the hand that was resting at your side.
You would learn to obsess about whether he noticed it, what he thought about it if he did, but at the moment the only thing you could think about was that Eren had gone out of his way to bring you breakfast.
"You gotta be fast when eating it, we're heading to the training grounds soon. Lunch is still a few hours away."
You stared at the lunchbox in your hands, opening it to see rice and bacon strips assembled for you as well as utensils. A hungry growl from your stomach told you to reach in and take a bite, which you did so. Only when you were halfway through the meal did you realize that you had forgotten to thank him for it.
"Thank you," you hurriedly said even though your mouth was still full. A few crumbs fell from your mouth to your shirt but you quickly brushed them off.
Eren waved his hand dismissively. "It was nothing."
You swallowed your food. "No—you didn't have to do this for me. Thank you."
You did not notice how he thought you looked adorable, your cheeks puffing out a little from being stuffed with food as you mindlessly chewed.
You had gained a habit of shyly turning your head away, unable to meet his eyes because one look might have sent you into a choking frenzy. Eventually you dared to meet his careful gaze, and when he gave you a bashful half-smile, you returned a bashful half-smile back.
"There you are, Y/N!"
You looked up to see Hange strolling towards you with a bright smile on their face.
"Ah, Eren," they noticed, eyes darting between you and him in amusement. "You're here with her. Levi already expected for you to wake up late, but he'll be waiting for you in the training grounds in no time for the vertical maneuvering gear test."
You had seen the soldiers wear those straps and belts and buckles that seemed to be so complicated. They used that sort of gear for flying around through the air and climbing rooftops and trees. Powered by the precious iceburst stone that Hizuru so badly wanted. The kind that you had been wearing in your dreams.
For sure, you must have worn it once before. But you were nervous again about how you would manage after being a year out of practice.
"Don't worry, Y/N, I'm sure you'll do fine," Hange said. "You were known among the Training Corps to be a real natural when it came to omnidirectional mobility. This stuff will be easy peasy for you. Isn't that right, Eren?"
"Yeah," he replied, glancing at you. "You'll be fine."
"Levi is supervising your maneuvering gear training, but when it comes to the other things, the officers will be the ones in charge of sorting you out along with the normal cadets."
"Er—I'd be useful to you as a medic, the same way I was with the trainees of the Warrior Unit," you said. "Is it really necessary for me to be joining the ranks of your soldiers, Commander?"
Both Eren and Hange gave you confused looks. "Don't you want to?"
"Well, I—I guess I do," you stuttered. "If—If that's who I was—"
"Great!" Hange chirped, clasping their hands together. "Let me escort you to the training grounds. Eren—you go take her dirty dishes to the kitchen for washing."
"Sure," Eren mumbled under his breath as he stood up and took your now-empty lunchbox. He didn't give you time to protest as he shot you one last small smile before disappearing to the kitchen area.
Hange excitedly placed their hands on your shoulders and began talking about how great it was to have you back in the Survey Corps as they steered you through the mess hall, out into the training grounds.
As you passed by the soldiers who were training their bodies in groups, you were well aware of how many eyes darted in your direction. Still, you willed yourself to stand up straight and walk through the grounds with Hange as to hide how uncomfortable you felt on the inside. At one portion you saw where they had set up some equipment.
Levi was there, impatiently glaring at you and Hange for taking up a few minutes of his precious time, but thankfully he didn't bark out any snide comments. You wondered if it was because he knew you had nightmares last night.
You found yourself strapped to your own set of vertical maneuvering gear. The metal hooks had been attached to a wooden equipment structure, and you looked around as you waited for instructions. A few people, including Squad Levi and a few cadets, had gathered around you to eagerly watch your second first attempt at using the gear.
"You might have forgotten the drill, but here it goes," said Levi, putting his hand on one of the planks of wood. "We start with balancing, the first and most crucial step. You're going to be lifted right into the air, and you have to do your best to keep your balance while wearing the gear. Is it heavy?"
"No," you replied, shaking your head. In the corner of your eye, you could see Eren approaching to see what the commotion was all about. He was coming to watch you.
"Just like old times, eh?" said Jean. "I remember being nervous as hell at first when Commander Shadis was yelling at us about this stuff."
"Whew, what wouldn't I give to go back to the 104th Cadet Corps!" Connie agreed. "Back when our problems were just balancing on the ODM gear."
"I remember clapping for Y/N the moment she was let down on her gear," Armin recalled with a smile. "Gosh—she was so still, not even the wind was able to sway her."
"Well, she did have an advantage over us," said Jean. "It wasn't her first time using the gear. She'd been doing it for a few good years before she joined the military."
"Tch, gossiping brats," Levi muttered under his breath as he began to push the crank.
Your focus shifted from the semi-large audience to your balance as your feet were lifted off the ground. It was just as hard as it looked, having the leather straps pull on you as you began your quest to remain upright. At first, you wobbled dangerously but somehow managed. You wondered how everyone else was able to do it so effortlessly.
Determined, you raised your eyes from the ground to the people to look ahead. Your eyes went through the crowd to search for something to latch your eyes on, a fixed point to stare at, and your gaze eventually settled on Eren. He was directly in front of you.
You stared straight into his eyes, willing your body to try and relax just enough for you to be able to stay still midair. He met your intense gaze, and when he realized that you weren't planning on tearing your eyes off him, he looked taken aback.
But he wasn't backing down either. He wasn't planning on breaking eye contact. He kept on looking right back at you, giving you a challenge. Perfect. You didn't know why you had so confidently settled on him, but there was no reason not to. Your balance faltered a little but you quickly recovered and instead drilled an even tighter gaze into Eren.
His eyes are so green, you thought.
The longer you stared into them, the more it felt like you knew about Eren. Those green eyes had become steely to everyone else but unabashedly passionate and expression towards you. It was as if you could reach in and find out more about him. It was as if he was trying to tell you something with that lingering gaze, telling you he wanted something more. He was giving you his soul with every yearning look, and you felt a tingling shiver run all over your body when he ran his gaze over you.
"They're doing it again," Connie murmured. "That weird staring contest."
Neither you nor Eren heard what he had said. Still staring into each other's eyes, wild thoughts only the two of you could understand running behind them. Your body relaxed a little, and the next thing you knew you were watching Eren's eyes widen in alarm as you lost your balance and fell forward.
A muffled "oomph!" could be heard from you as you faceplanted into the ground.
"Ow," you muttered, face pressed into the dirt. You lifted your head to dust the soil off you, but you only ended up turning over again and suddenly you were hanging upside down, eye level with everybody's dirty boots.
Embarrassing.
A few soldiers snickered at your expense, which you ignored. A few other turned around to walk back and resume whatever duties they had been assigned to. They must have been either surprised or disappointed that you, the once-expert, had lost your balance on something as easy as this.
It was probably a little funny for them to see an older girl who was supposed to be a seasoned soldier struggle to balance on the most basic gear. They probably mastered all this when they were twelve, thirteen, or fourteen years old. Maybe even as young as eleven. Either way, you were well past those awkward ages. And here you were being awkward.
You turned over again so that you were now kneeling on the ground, sighing as you felt your face for injuries. It seemed like the only thing that had gotten seriously injured was your ego.
Your eyes found Eren again, and to your surprise, there was a ghost of a smile on his face, as if the sight was nostalgic to him.
"You're out of practice," said Levi, leaning against the wooden railings. "Either that, or you didn't get enough sleep."
"Let's just go with whichever excuse is less humiliating," you said wryly, wincing a little as you stood up.
"Whichever way you look at it, it's the same amount of humiliation," he replied matter-of-factly. "You can do better than that. Do it again."
"Yes sir," you replied, willing yourself to brush off the embarrassment. You reminded yourself that everybody had to start somewhere before getting good. Embarrassment was part of the journey.
If this was how Falco felt among the Warrior cadets, you regretted flipping him over so many times.
You were lifted again, and once more you found your eyes flitting to Eren's hues. They were so steely, so calm, and so pretty. For sure, you would accidentally find yourself daydreaming about that green gaze sometime later, when you could be honest with your feelings and admit that you took a liking to him.
Eren stayed completely still, understanding that you were using him as a point to look at while maintaining your balance. He put his hands in his pockets, cocking his head to the side.
It was almost as if you could read what he was trying to tell you.
I'm here for you. I won't leave you. And I'm not going to give up on you no matter how many times you fall on the ground.
The sweet thought turned you into a flustered mess and you rocked your balance. You stumbled on the ground again, but this time you didn't hit your head on the dirt. There were a few giggles from the cadets, but you could care less about anyone else's opinion except for Eren's.
Eventually Levi told all the others to scram, which wasn't even necessary because they had already realized that watching you train was going to be boring and uneventful.
While everyone else was turning around to get busy with their own work, Eren stayed there. For you. Even if you looked a little pathetic at the moment.
You wondered how long he had been doing that without you knowing.
-
"SO, YOU'VE RISEN FROM THE DEAD," Daphne drawled as you approached her in the training ground. "Welcome back, Lieutenant."
"Daphne," you greeted, tiredly raising a hand in acknowledgement. "Long time no see."
"I'm sure you have no idea who I am," she said, raising an eyebrow. "Can't believe Captain Levi sent you to regularly train with me, of all people."
"You're right," you replied. "I don't. But you're not freaking out, so I'm not going to freak out either."
She snorted humorlessly. "Alright. I'm Daphne Eichwald and I'm your ex-subordinate. I'm an officer for the Survey Corps, got bumped up a little because there were so little of us left last year and I'm not fit to be a member of Squad Levi. Funny how the positions have switched, huh?
"Though, officer is definitely a slightly lower rank compared to lieutenant. You were set out to replace Captain Levi if he were to retire, since you were basically a junior captain."
"Right," you said. "The junior captain who can't even balance herself on ODM gear."
"The junior captain who also sacrificed herself last year," she corrected. "Paradis's darling Fallen Angel."
You followed Daphne towards the track area, where a bunch of cadets were being ordered to run laps with guns strapped onto their backs. They seemed to vary in age. Some were as young as fourteen, while others seemed to be in their thirties. They were grouped by age.
"After the Battle of Shiganshina last year, there was a landslide of fresh recruits," she explained, seeing the question on your face. "The Survey Corps went into near extinction after the Beast Titan killed them all. And since we successfully reclaimed Wall Maria, people started signing up because they were either hungry for the glory of becoming a Scout, or they were just patriotic to Eldia."
You winced a little. "The Beast Titan, huh."
"They say you lived with him when you were off in Marley," she said. "Is that true?"
"Yes."
"Yikes. If you had your memories, that would have been really awkward. If these cadets saw what he did last year, they wouldn't have tripped over their feet to sign up for the Scouts."
"Why did you sign up?" you asked. Daphne's face darkened a little.
"I joined for my brother. I stayed for my brother."
You didn't ask what else became of her brother. The flash of a tall boy's red hair, peering down at you from the top of Wall Maria came into mind and you made the connection that Daphne's brother must have been among your dead subordinates.
"I wonder why I wasn't placed with Squad Levi," you said aloud. Daphne clicked her tongue. "Sorry, no offense or anything. Just wondering."
"You're stuck under me because you're out of training, and I'm tasked to supervise all the young cadets," she said. "All the kids who're starting at the bottom of the food chain, and that miraculously includes you."
You got the feeling that Daphne disliked you, but at the same time liked you, which didn't make any sense.
"Squad Levi is on a different level from the rest of us, though. They have the most experience. Don't feel bad though, at least you're useful because you gained some of Marley's military intelligence. Rumours say that you got drugged out and got the shit beaten out of you in torture on the other side of the sea. That true?"
"If get harassed counts as getting beaten up, then maybe," you said honestly. Daphne cocked her head to the side.
"What do you mean?"
"These members of their military security thing harassed me when I went out to get food."
Daphne gave you a look that pressed you to continue on. You were wondering why you were being so openly honest with Daphne when you practically just met her, but perhaps that was the reason why. She didn't have any reason to judge you.
"These two guys told me that I was kind of—what was the word? Unsightly. Yeah, they said I was unsightly because I have this big scar on my shoulder from a bullet wound. They said no one would want to marry me, shag me, stuff like that. But they still claimed that I'd get 'whored over', whatever that means."
Daphne said nothing for a few moments before asking, "What were their names?"
"Um, Officers Becker and Muller."
"Did they touch you weird?"
"Yeah," you admitted. "But I kind of broke one of their hands."
"What? You broke one of their hands? Like, the phalanges bones?"
"I crushed them with my fist."
Daphne blinked a few times before covering her mouth as she burst into laughter. "Your fist? You crushed that asshole's hand bones into dust with your freaking fist?"
"Um... yeah?" you said, voice raising in uncertainty a little. "I didn't mean to crush it completely though, it just happened."
"Don't bother acting humble, it's not like you," she said dismissively. "That guy deserved it."
"Thank you?" you said, not sure if she was trying to insult you or not. What did she mean, it wasn't like you to act humble?
Reality hit you in the face the moment you began the regular standard training for a Scout. Since Daphne was in charge of the younger recruits, and you were back to square one, you had been funneled into a class of relative beginners, mostly kids fourteen- to fifteen-years-old who were fresh out of the 105th Cadet Corps.
It was a little insulting how much more in shape and how better conditioned they were than you, which was expected since they were fresh out of military training, while you had been training to nurture the sick and wounded.
The first thing the recruits did was stretch, which hurt, before starting a few hours of strengthening exercises, which also hurt. Apparently adjusting back into soldier life was harder than you thought it was going to be.
After another hour of struggling to do ten sets of push-ups, you collapsed and complained to Daphne. "I don't remember cadet training being this fucking painful."
"You don't even remember anything," she shot back. "Y/N, this was nothing to you back then. What happened?"
You shook your head in response. Daphne seemed to have made the assumption that they had done some kind of physical or mental torture on you back in Marley and told you to rest if you wanted to, which you did. You were disappointed in yourself. Why was this suddenly difficult for you?
You had been able to stay physically fit and active thanks to the Warrior Unit, especially the cadets, but it hadn't been a requirement for you and you mostly just helped around here and there. Of course, after years of training, your stamina and strength hadn't dwindled down so easily especially since you had been taking care of yourself the past year. But you definitely weren't as fit and strong as you used to be, which was irksome when you couldn't even remember it.
"Well, this is your first day," sighed Daphne, crouching by you to hand you a bottle of water, which you gleefully jugged down. "The first day of exercise is always the hardest to get through. You'll get used to it soon enough."
A few uneventful days passed by where you mostly either trained or did chores, and you ended up seeing Eren less and less to your disappointment. The two of you had different schedules doing different things in different places, and sometimes you'd get so tired out after the strenuous training that you'd simply pass out in your room without seeing him.
Still, you saw each other at meals, sat beside each other, exchanged some words and looks, but you never pursued a conversation because you were embarrassingly shy of him. He assumed that you didn't want to talk and respected your space.
"You're staring again," Daphne noted one day while you were stretching your legs on the ground and glancing at Eren, who was walking along the open corridors of the barracks with Mikasa and Armin.
When he noticed you staring at him, you quickly tried to avert your eyes and pretend that you were busy, but he had already seen you. He waved with a small smile, causing Mikasa and Armin to grin a bit. You flushed a little as you waved back, a big smile on your face before turning back to your stretching.
Daphne was giving you an unimpressed look. "Oh, isn't that just adorable? You have a crush."
"A crush?" you stammered. "What do you mean?"
"Do you like Eren?"
"What? No way!" you exclaimed defensively. "Why—why would you think that?"
Daphne studied the panicked expression on your face. "You're pathetic."
"What?"
"Nothing, it's just that it's obvious that you've got a thing for that Titan shifting dumbass," she replied. "At least make a pretense of playing hard to get."
"I'm not an overripe peach," you said defensively. "I'm not going to fall right into his arms the moment he wants me to. Er—if he ever does."
"Right," said Daphne, unconvinced. "Now get up. You've got to run three miles around the training grounds with everyone else."
"Three miles?" you gasped. "Can I even do that?"
"Of course you can do it, now quit whining," she snapped. "In fact, you can probably do more than that. But I'm going easy on you because you got your mind messed up. So just do it. Prove to me that you're not what I thought you were."
'What I thought you were?' What's that supposed to mean? you wondered as you began your lap. I get it. She hates me because I died last year and left her alone without a living squadmate. And she probably thought I betrayed her at one point.
Another few days passed, and you found yourself growing a little miserable but improving. You made vast improvements on the vertical maneuvering gear, but you were still a little unsteady when it came to trying them out on the trees. You faceplanted again onto one particularly large trunk, and you cringed with terror when the thought of Petra Rall came to mind. After that, you became significantly better as you moved through the forest, pulling on your triggers and swinging through the trees.
"You're doing much better, Y/N," Eren consoled you one day at breakfast. "Don't worry about it."
"Yeah, dunno why we're still stuck with the old gear," Jean added, taking a sip of water. "The Military Police agreed to work with us and reveal some of that new gear technology they had going on in the shadows."
"The one Kenny Ackerman used back then?" asked Sasha. Jean nodded.
"They've also been conspiring with the Marleyan engineers in Stohess," Sasha said excitedly. "We're going to have all this new equipment! It's gonna be so cool."
"Hange says that going to get our first shipment from the camp from Yelena and Onyankopon in a few days," added Armin. "We're going to have to train again with all the new stuff."
You perked up a little. Did that mean you were going to receive a few letters from Marley?
"All this new stuff meant for killing humans," Eren lamented. You noticed that he looked a little wary as he said that.
"It's for the development of the island," you assured him. "We'll strengthen the military forces. They'll have stuff like bolt action rifles and revolvers. I think Hange wants me to teach them how to handle grenades."
"What's a grenade?"
"It's like this explosive thing, like a bomb," you explained. "You pull a pin, throw it, and it explodes. Like—like a thunderspear."
Eren glanced at you with a little worry. Explosions and thunderspears did not seem like very happy memories for you. And he knew it.
"Lucky Y/N! She knows how to use both the new ODM gear and the Marleyan weapons already!" said Sasha enviously. "She won't have to struggle."
"Yeah, Y/N's had a taste of all that gear already," said Connie, grinning at you. "Last year, you were able to use one of their MP gears when you stole it from one of the soldiers in the Anti-Military Personnel Squad."
"It was pretty amazing," added Armin. "You didn't even know how to use it properly, but your survival instincts kicked in and you pulled the trigger on that gear like it was nothing!"
"She learned all that under the worst circumstances," Eren muttered under his breath as he lifted his spoon to his mouth.
You placed your hand on his arm. He gave you a look, and you gave him a small shrug in response to tell him that it was okay before turning back to your breakfast.
"Gee, it sounds like I was really cool," you said half-heartedly, stirring your oatmeal around in your bowl. "I wish I could be like that again."
Eren gave you an understanding hum. He knew how it felt. The helplessness of feeling weak, the despair of being surrounded by people much better-prepared than you. It was almost as if the two of you had switched positions from when you were cadets — he was the skilled soldier, and you were the learning trainee.
"How's training going for you, Y/N?" he asked quietly, wanting to make you feel a little better. You gave him a sad smile, which made him feel a little bad.
"How do you do it?" you asked. "How do you move so well on the maneuvering gear?"
Eren looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. "When I was younger, someone told me that you have to stay calm at all times and to put your weight where you feel it needs to go. It's the kind of thing that should come to you naturally, like an instinct."
You groaned. "I'm hopeless."
"You're not—" Eren began, but he was interrupted when Mikasa suddenly appeared at the table, bringing everyone's attention to her.
"Where have you been, Mikasa?"
"I went out for a short jog," she replied, digging into her breakfast. "Just six miles."
You felt like throwing up the oatmeal.
Daphne was slowly getting fed up with you. Unlike Eren, her patience easily wore thin and she got comfortable enough with her position to yell motivational insults to drive you on as you slugged around the training grounds as you ran laps and laps and laps.
Three miles — five miles — seven miles — eventually one day there was a time wherein you had gotten so worn out that you bailed out after a mile. But she was relentless, and she didn't give up on the idea that you were strong enough to take it. You didn't understand her.
"That's not the lieutenant who graduated Top One over Mikasa Ackerman," she said angrily as she sat beside you at the rest table where the water was being distributed. "Definitely not the girl who led her squad of teenagers into a battle against a bunch of Titans."
"There is no way in hell I did all those things," you deadpanned. "I'm only as good as the new cadets."
"That's not true. You're not even just any kind of cadet, no—you're a veteran," she said. "You're the one who can get through anything. You can survive anything I'll try to throw at you, and I believe in that!"
"I wish I could say the same," you said, wincing a little as you stretched your arms. "It's just—ow—I don't understand. I can't remember. And I don't have as much spunk and drive as I had when I was younger."
Daphne scowled at you. "Listen to me—I don't care if your brain got jacked up. Whether you like it or not, you did all those things. You're a soldier through and through, so quit acting like a crybaby and get over it!"
"Goddamn, at least have some sympathy."
"I'm not Eren," she said. "I'm not going to kiss your boo-boos until you feel better."
You exhaled with exhaustion as you took one nice, long sip from your water bottle. You rested your head in your hands, ready to pass out or fall asleep right there on the table. You could feel Daphne's eyes on you, angry, unimpressed, but still believing that you were capable of doing better than what you were doing.
"I don't understand you," you said suddenly. "You think I'm supposed to be this great person, like I'm some kind of superhuman with a strength. I'm not like Mikasa and Levi, I'm not an Ackerman. I'm just a normal girl with an abnormal bloodline."
"Like I give a shit about your bloodline," she scoffed. "Sorry, but unlike the others, I never idolized you like you were some kind of war goddess."
"Then why are you acting like I can take all this heavy training? Sounds like you really believe I can do all this. What are you even thinking?"
Daphne looked like she was contemplating telling you for a moment before shrugging. "Well, it's not like you can remember what I'm talking about, so I guess you won't feel offended."
"I think I will be," you said dryly, but she ignored that.
"To be honest, you disgusted me. With your whole noble and holier-than-thou act. It sickened me, all the gossip about Captain Levi's protege joining the ranks of the military. You were just a fresh graduate and already had the honorifics of Lieutenant before your name a few months after graduation.
"It sickened me... the way everyone gushed and paraded about you just because you lived with the Survey Corps. The way Commander Erwin favored you because you were chummy with Captain Levi. You were mostly promoted to Lieutenant through nepotism."
"That kind of stings," you admitted. "But it doesn't sound like a lie."
"Well, when you get your memories back, I'll let you be the judge," said Daphne, lazily tying her hair into a ponytail. "This is all my own opinion and speculation, so feel free to take this personally."
You hummed. "How'd you come to that conclusion, anyway?"
"I'm from Karanese District and joined the Eastern Cadet Corps while you were from Trost and joined the South," she said. "When the 57th Expedition was a failure, I received a letter from my mom talking about how dejected you looked walking back into Karanese. Said that she saw the guilt on your face while Petra Rall's father approached Captain Levi talking about how his daughter took a liking to you."
That hurt your heart a little. Your first ever failure had been failing to save Petra and the rest of the Special Operations Squad, and now she subconsciously lived in your mind. Whatever grief you had repressed was slowly crawling over your body like black tar, eager to drown you in darkness.
"And I was living in the same dormitory with my friend Hitch Dreyse and your best friend Annie Leonhart, who was a pretty cold person. I thought she was cool, tried talking to her, but she never entertained me. Said that you were the only friend she was interested in having, and that irked me a little. Petty girl stuff, but it annoyed me how she regarded you as someone special when you had failed to save Petra."
"Petra was my first failure," you admitted. "If only I hadn't trusted her when she and the others in the Special Operations Squad told me to let them handle the Female Titan."
"Then, the Female Titan business came to Stohess. I was there on that day. I saw how that Female Titan — how Annie squashed all those innocent civilians. Men, women, children. And all of that happened because Commander Erwin planned for this to happen in order to capture Annie. And you knew about that plan. You agreed to it. And word said that you had hesitated to capture her because she was your friend. You could have prevented it."
Ouch. Of all the sins...
"I saw you follow after her. Oh, there was no denying that you were skilled. You were so fast on the ODM gear, it was like watching lightning flash around her body, cutting open gashes and wounds while you cried about her being a traitor to humanity. There was no denying you were skilled, you were a good fighter, but the moment you fell from Annie's hold and started bleeding out on the street, I was furious.
"I thought Annie had been among the dead. And I blamed the Survey Corps. It was probably a really bad moral decision for me to have gotten angry at you when you almost died, but I was just angry. In my eyes, you killed the sons and daughters of my neighbours in Karanese. You killed the people living in Stohess."
Daphne took one long, slow sip from her bottle of water. Your throat felt dry, but you didn't say anything.
"You sickened me with your protector-of-the-Walls bullshit. The citizens of Trost treated you like some sort of celebrity. I saw you for what you really were... not a defender of the Walls. Not a noble hero of society. You were just a little girl playing a game of soldier. What were you fighting for, anyway? Humanity? What had humanity done for you that you worked so hard to climb to the top? Humanity threw you into the Underground and left you to die. Why would you want to go fight Titans for those ungrateful pieces of shit?"
"I was taking after Levi," you answered, a few memories coming back to you. "I wanted to be like him... I wanted to be respected like he was. I didn't want to be seen as a weakling, so I forced myself to become strong."
"Just as I thought," Daphne replied tonelessly. She didn't sound venomous, but she didn't sound kind either. "You were a selfish kid on the hunt for glory. You basked in attention and respect. You pretended to be strong to hide the fact that you were weak on the inside. And it manifested, so woo-hoo for you."
You let out a mirthless chuckle. "When you say it like that, I sound like a real bitch."
"Then I realized that you actually were serious about it, which made you even more unbearable."
"...huh?"
Daphne sighed. "You're not selfish. I should know that—I was a member your special squad. This one trip when we went to Beaurlin, you attacked me with a knife because you thought I was a traitor."
"I attacked you with a what?"
"Apparently Annie's betrayal messed you up, can't imagine how you feel thanks to the Warrior Unit," she mused. "Back then, I thought you were just this annoying nepotism child who was going to give us all a hard time, but the moment you pointed that knife above my throat, I knew... you were a little insane, but you actually care about humanity."
"I don't understand," you said. "You said that I only cared about looking strong, which wasn't even a lie."
"Yeah, well, I don't really understand it either," said Daphne. "You're a complicated person. I can never be sure as to what your true motives are. But I know that you care about people. You saved Trost District from the Titan invasion and poverty. And you sacrificed yourself in Shiganshina so Eren and the others could live."
"If my only goals in life were to be a hero and gain respect, then I must not have anything to fight for anymore."
Daphne shrugged. "That's not for me to ponder on. That's all on you. But for me, my brother Nick had believed that it was high time for us to join something bigger than ourselves. When the Survey Corps called for recruits to join the fight for Wall Maria, he was one of the first to sign up. And I love my brother... so, I joined as well. For him."
"Nick Eichwald," you remembered. The dead boy with the red hair who gazed down on you from the top of Wall Maria in your dream. "Him and Linus and Hilda... I remember."
Pain crossed Daphne's brown hues. "He died in the same explosion I thought killed you. Y/N... I had to bury him in pieces. He was covered in all this black stuff. And I—I can't just let him die in vain. That's my brother, he and I grew up together, and now he's gone forever."
You felt the tears beginning to shed. It had been your fault that so many died, even if you couldn't remember it well. You had unknowingly killed so many people. And while everyone was left grieving, you had been trashing their names alongside the people who betrayed you in Marley.
"But his death got us to the knowledge of the basement, the knowledge of Eldia and is the reason why I fucking hate Marley," she said, face flaring. "They're going to fucking feel the wrath of Eldia someday. I'm going to avenge my brother. I'm going to keep going. For him."
Daphne eyed you with narrowed eyes, hatred for her enemies and a respect for you burning behind her piercing gaze.
"What about you, Fallen Angel? Do you have anything to keep you going?"
When you robotically ran ten miles in the pouring rain without any complaints, the mental image that had you resisting the temptation to drop down dead on the ground were the faces of your dead subordinates, observing you from above.
-
"IF YOU'RE GOING TO SKULK AROUND THE HALLWAYS, at least try to do it quietly."
"Sorry, sir," you apologized, stepping into the dark office. "I wanted to speak to you."
Levi gave you a suspicious look as he looked up from his book. "You do realize that it's one o'clock in the morning, right? You should be asleep in bed."
You shifted your weight from side to side. "Um, yeah. Sorry. I just couldn't sleep tonight without having this conversation."
The captain shrugged and began preparing tea for you to drink. There was a teapot sitting at his desk, which he lifted after bringing out two teacups from a drawer under his table. While he prepared a cup of tea for you, he spoke to you one command.
"Sit."
Obediently, you quietly placed yourself onto the chair beside his desk: the same chair where you had sat six years ago, when Commander Erwin was right in front of you and the two men had told you that your parents were long gone. His presence was so strangely strong.
You watched as Levi prepared two cups of hot tea—one for him, one for you. Apparently he had a whole tea-making set hidden in that drawer of his, because when he pulled out a precious packet of sugar cubes, he took a cube, broke it in half and put one piece in each cup. You were sharing a little sugarcube with the Captain Levi.
He stirred it for you, and you were hypnotized as you watched the brown liquid swirl about in the cup. A tiny whirlpool of tea.
"I thought you said sugar was too expensive for us to buy," you suddenly said. "You told me so when I was a little girl. But it only made me crave for more sugar."
"Times are changing," he said dismissively. "I do not think that there's any harm in giving you this glucose."
"I didn't think you would have approved of giving me sugar so late at night," you pointed out. "It would mess up my sleep schedule, drinking all this sweet stuff."
"Your sleep schedule is beyond help," he simply replied. "I've come to terms with the fact that you're never going to wake up on time as long as you're living under my roof."
You smiled a little. "My memories are slowly coming back. I remember you a little better now, sir. But sometimes I still don't understand. What's real and what's not real. It's like I'm sleepwalking."
"Sleepwalking," he repeated as he handed you your cup. "Is that why you're here?"
You shook your head as you lifted the cup to your mouth and took a small sip. You couldn't help but compare it to that in Liberio. The tea in Marley was softer, sweeter, produced in high-tech tea factories where sugar was not a scarce resource.
But Levi's tea tasted better. It tasted like childhood, like love, like a home.
"I wanted to talk about something else," you said, staring into your cup and gathering your thoughts. "There's something I don't understand."
"What?"
"Why is it that I can only remember the dead?"
There was silence for a moment before Levi spoke.
"The dead?"
"Commander Erwin, Petra, Mina, my subordinates from last year... if I wasn't particularly close to them compared with your squad, how come they're the ones plaguing my thoughts and dreams at night?"
Levi looked thoughtful, but he answered curtly, "Probably the same reason as me."
"Sir?" you asked, puzzled.
"The dead. No matter how hard you try, they'll never leave you," he said. "Their souls stick with you forever."
You were quiet for a few moments. Then you said, "If this didn't bother me as much before, why does it bother me now? My memories of them are hazy."
"Kid, when you're in the Survey Corps, you have to learn to throw away your humanity at one point or another," he replied. His voice was calm but there was probably emotion laced into it. "I doubt there's a single human being who can watch their loved ones, close or not, die without feeling anything. But in the Scouts, you have to push it away because you have no other choice."
"And now that I haven't got any reason to throw my humanity away, they haunt me in my sleep."
"I suppose so."
"Sir, there's something that Daphne told me," you started carefully. "She said that back then, I only pretended to be strong because I was hiding the fact that I was weak. I was on the hunt for glory. Is it true?"
Levi was thoughtfully silent before replying, "Maybe."
"Sir?"
"One time, when you were younger, I was training you in hand-to-hand combat," he began. "I beat you, and you didn't like the fact that you couldn't beat me. When we came to my office, Commander Erwin was here with a report from the Military Police telling us that—"
"My parents had died," you supplied. "Wha–What happened after that?"
"You asked for food."
You had to take a few seconds to understand. "Come again?"
"You asked for bread, to be specific," he muttered, leaning back into his chair. "You were so... repressive."
"But my parents died," you said, confused. "Why wasn't I upset?"
"Tsk, why are you asking me that question? You're the little idiot who said you didn't have breakfast yet before running away to cry."
"I didn't cry," you denied.
"I could hear sniffling coming from your room."
"Never mind."
"At times, you worried me," Levi admitted. "You were keen to prove you had it in you to be strong. They treated you like crap in the Underground and I suspect that it stuck with you. You wanted to be a hero for society, but oftentimes I wondered if what you really wanted was somebody's respect."
"Maybe so," you replied. "Do you hate me for it?"
"Why would I hate you? I trained you so you could achieve that goal without dying."
"Sir... if that's the case, why did you even care about me?"
"Do I need a reason to?"
The immediate response surprised you, but Levi maintained a neutral face as he sipped tea from his cup.
"You don't need to be a soldier," he said. "You don't need to be some girl with noble blood. Give yourself a break for once. You can just be yourself, and I would be satisfied with that."
"But... what? But why?" you asked, voice cracking a little. "I thought—if I'm not special—"
"Brat, why isn't it going through that thick head of yours? You don't need to be special to deserve somebody's unconditional love."
You clammed up immediately, vision slowly starting to fog with tears.
"You may be an overgrown brat with amnesia, but you're still my number one. And you don't need to be particularly strong or smart or murderous to be so. You know, if you just lived a normal life, it would make everything we did mean something... and that would be enough for me."
Your bottom lip trembled. You began to wipe away the tears that had started rolling down your cheeks with your hands, but Levi tutted something about dirt and handed you a tissue, which you used to dry your face and blow your nose.
Once you took a few deep breaths and composed yourself, you said, "Sorry. I'm being such a drama queen."
"You're a human. It's human to cry," he explained, handing you another tissue. "And I think it's high time that you properly cried for yourself for once."
You nodded, dabbing at your eyes. You couldn't argue with Levi.
"Thank you," was all you managed to choke out, and Levi took your cup from your shaking hands and poured you another cup. He split a sugarcube again, the same way he did for you when you were a little girl.
"Have another cup of tea."
"Captain..." you started, sipping tea in-between hiccups. "Why would Erwin have wanted to apologize for making me a lieutenant?"
The corporal looked up from the cup he was pouring tea into to see your red eyes. "I didn't want him to turn you into a devil whom the dead would haunt. I never wanted that for you. But I guess I can't protect you all your life."
A devil whom the dead would haunt.
"I had no plans to shelter you like some kind of overbearing older brother, so I let you make your own choices," said Levi. "I don't think I have any regrets about that so far."
"Thank you," you quietly said again, certain that if you said anything more you would burst into tears a second time and waste all his tissues.
"There is no need to thank me."
Levi let you curl up on the chair in front of the fireplace once more, but you found yourself feeling chilled to the bone. After a few minutes of debating, you willed yourself to get up and light a match from a nearby box before setting it to the firewood inside the gate.
The flames burst into life, and although seeing it panicked you for a second, you took a deep breath and remembered that it was not going to hurt you anymore.
You looked over your shoulder to see Levi staring at the fireplace, which had been set aflame for the first time in over a year by the girl who had been the very reason for its barren and dry locality. His ashen face flickered with warm tones thanks to the yellow lighting, and he seemed finely content as he went back to his books.
The flames were not scorching hot, but instead pleasantly warm.
"Levi..." you whispered, too sleepy to remember to call him sir. "I remember you."
When you drifted off, you did not dream of fire that night.