(A/N) Hey everyone, I wanted to make a quick note thanking each and every one of you front the bottom of my heart for 10k views on this story. I started writing this as my creative outlet, a way to cope with life when things were getting tough, and the fact the you guys actually enjoy what I do makes me so happy. I am living vicariously through Ardelle and put so much of myself into her and I love that she is resonating with you all and you can connect with her.
As always please keep voting and commenting so I can continue to grow this amazing community I have found. I enjoyed writing this chapter so much and I really hope you enjoy reading it, love you all and thank you once again, you all have helped me more than you know <3
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Disappointment was never a solace feeling, understandably, never the type of emotion one marveled in, nor a typical inevitably you would assume anyone relied on.
In spite of this, I heavily relied on disappointment, even found mild consolation in it, it was easier to befriend such a state rather than fear it, this way you were never disheartened with the outcome of any given scenario.
Always grasping the concept, however gently, that things are always destined to go wrong, leaves you feeling content and gratified should you happen to be proven otherwise, and when what you predicted would happen does in fact happen, you can look disappointment in the eye, and ensure it knows you anticipated its arrival.
I realise now, that's no way to live, stripping life clean of its ability to constantly surprise you, and that was the beauty of life, was it not?
I did often try to seek beauty in all things, however small or insignificant, I suppose everything held a certain level of beauty and purpose, people more than anything. Which I always found ironic because that also seems to be the thing that is appreciated least of all.
Regardless, I was determined to prove the beauty of the world around us, the simplicity of the remaining autumn leaves, the season of violent scarlet and golden amber not quite ready to evoke it footprint on the world, or the ethereal sweetness of the morning winter sun, slightly masked and dampened, although not lessened in value, buy the thick November winds.
Ah yes, the sun had always been a distant friend, a reminder of life beyond the four walls of whichever house was being used for refuge. Looking at its beauty, often for hours as a young child, at no more than age nine or ten, I would question who else happened to be seeking comfort in the sun's incessant and giving light.
William had once told me that if I ever wanted to feel less alone, or perhaps find another lost soul, that too was silently screaming into the universe, to look at the sun, or moon, but evident of the complicated relationship we held I opted for the sun, and know someone too was looking at this giant star, connecting, listening, living.
I sometimes thought of Sirius when I did this, questioning whether he too could see the sun, and if he acknowledged that it was the same sun that held jurisdiction upon my life, as well as his, although perhaps that was a little far fetched, but yet again this is where the comfort of disappointment makes itself known, I knew he wasn't looking, so why try and convince myself otherwise, to ultimately be let down?
Now with these two facts in mind, I stared endlessly into the mirror of the bathroom in my dormitory, acknowledging these facts once again. That disappointment is not something to fear, and that beauty makes itself known in the strangest and often the most mundane of places.
Fred Weasley was a small pocket of beauty I had the pleasure of encountering all those weeks ago, and now that I had experienced such heavenly euphoria, it was in good spirits that I was on my way to end it.
As I said, I didn't fear disappointment, in this case the one that had arisen when Fred turned to Angelina, it was inevitable, but I was also no idiot and by no means would I let myself endure something so unnecessary and self-destructive.
So I would say that I didn't mind, that Fred and I most clearly had no connection, and these past few weeks were a mere dent or detore in my timeline, and I would keep the reality of the situation silenced and burrowed inside me at all costs.
That reality being, that for the first time in my sixteen years of existence, I had never felt more seen than I had by Fred Weasley, because my desperation to be invisible seemed to evaporate around him, and knowing that he chose to stay, the anomaly to my statistics, even for a short while, was probably more than anyone else would ever want to offer me.
Because I recognised my differences, my sheltered and atypical approach to life was chaotic and strange and I doubted that anyone had a heart as pure as the one beating in Fred's chest to want to dabble in a broken mess.
So I gathered myself, not that I needed gathering because as I said I was completely and utterly fine, and made my way towards the twins dorm, careful not to wake Hermione on my way.
Having not seen them since the party, courtesy of Draco, Sirius and the fact I had slipped back into the common room fairly late after my day with Sirius, and opted to go straight to bed, neglecting dinner after having absentmindedly snacked on chips all afternoon whilst engaging in conversation, I felt a mild twinge of awkward anticipation course through me as I knocked on the door.
"Come in!" An all too familiar voice, slick like honey whilst still holding a husky and gravelly edge, sounded, inviting me inside.
I wordlessly entered, closing the door behind me, and glancing over at Fred who was rummaging through his dresser, his back to me, as he searched for, what I could only assume was, a t-shirt to cover his exposed chest.
"Hey" I whispered, making my way over to him and perching myself onto the edge of his bed, not waiting for an invitation, as I noted George's absence in the room.
His head instantaneously lifted at the sound of my entrance, stopping his search for a t-shirt, opting to leave his chest bare, much to my both dismay and enjoyment.
Immediately his disgruntled expression softened, and a syrupy grin tugged at his perfect, plump lips, but it took everything inside me to avert my gaze from those golden eyes I undoubtedly would have lost myself within.
"Hey you" Fred chuckled, the tender look in his eye visibly shifting to something more sinister and daring. "I haven't seen you since the party"
"Yeah, sorry about that" I lied coyly, not mentioning the fact this was absolutely no accident, "Yesterday was intense, Sirius and whatnot" I added, slightly disheartened he hadn't seemed to remember, maybe he didn't listen as intently as he led me to believe.
"Oh shit of course, I am so sorry I should have come and found you, how was it?" He asked, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear that had fallen in front of my eyes, an adoring expression gracing his features.
"Yeah good, that actually wasn't what I came to talk about" I started nervously, standing up off the bed and moving towards the open window, feeling suddenly overwhelmed with our increasing proximity.
"Is everything alright?" He asked anxiously, the look on his face shifting from tender to concerned, but even slightly disgruntled, Fred's skin was still radiant, his pale complexion adorned with a beautiful consolation of freckles I couldn't help but study for a brief moment.
I took a deep, elongated and wavering breath before starting, "I couldn't find anyone after the party, I needed someone to take me back, I was feeling slightly lost and out of place by the end of the night" I began.
"I'm sorry Lupin, you should have come and found me, I'm sure I was-"
"Kissing Angelina?"
Fred's face fell, immediately a saddened and guilty look tugging at his features, his eyes unlocking from mine to trail the floor, as he fiddled with the many silver rings scattered across his long digits.
"I didn't know you saw that" He croaked shyly after a minute or two of uncomfortable silence, a look of remorse prevalent behind his glossy eyes.
"I didn't, Draco did" I muttered, my eyes fixated on his hands, as he slipped a silver band on and off his slender index finger.
"It didn't mean anything Ari" He quickly jumped to his own defense, "Things with Angie are complicated, they always have been, but I made it very clear to her that it can't happen again and-" He was rambling breathlessly, a noticeable sheen creeping its way across his forehead along with a violent infusion of scarlet burning his cheeks darker than his hair.
"Fred I'm not angry" I smiled at him, every piece of me fighting the urge to collapse into a disheveled mess on his floor, "You don't owe me any kind of explanation, but you obviously have some unresolved feelings towards Angelina"
"No I don't, you've got it all wrong I-" He attempted to voice but I cut him short for the third time.
"Fred I'm not good at relationships, I'd never even kissed anyone before you, but I know internal conflict when I see it, and I most certainly know an unsure heart. I want this Fred, but only if you want it too, and something tells me you don't"
"No please Ari, I do, believe me"
"We told the others we were attending the Yule ball as friends, maybe we should stick to our word" I whispered, my voice breaking as I so desperately attempted to mask the sadness ebbing away at me.
"No Ari please, you're overreacting before you've let me explain, please don't do this" He begged, walking towards me as he attempted to hold my hand, although I quickly pulled it from his reach.
"Overreacting? Are you serious? You don't get it, do you Fred? Nothing in my life has ever been permanent, not people, not places, nothing. There is not one thing in my life that I have, that I haven't fought to keep. I thought you were an anomaly. I thought I had finally met someone who went against the grain, who would stay without a reason. I'm not mad you kissed Angelina, I'm mad that you proved me wrong when I thought you were different"
I hadn't quite realised just how angry I was or in fact how pained, because the reality that I was never quite the first choice was more prevalent than ever, nor had I noticed the searingly hot tears now cascading down my face, raw streams of burning red being left in their wake.
"Ari, let's talk about this" Fred pleaded, making his way to barricade my exit, but wasn't quick enough as I reached for the door.
"I don't have anything left to say" I choked out shakily as I walked out of his dorm, briefly considering turning back, just for one last stolen glance, but deciding against it as I headed to a place of solace to rest, Remus's room.
~~~~
The next week passed detrimentally slow, often Hermione or Harry noting my reserved and dampened demeanor but not pushing me to voice my obvious distress.
I had purposefully, and might I add successfully, avoided Fred on many occasions, studying in my dorm as opposed to the library, seeking comfort in Remus's living quarters rather than the common room, and shifting my seat at the Gryffindor table constantly, always attempting to converse in conversation with anyone that wouldn't provide an opening for Fred to interject.
The morning of the Yule ball was no longer lingering upon the horizon but rather sweeping through the school at full force, excited buzz and the elated atmosphere was contagious, contagious to everyone excluding myself and a certain Weasley.
And it was after one particularly painful, and lengthy conversation with Neville regarding the potions essay, Fred had finally managed to catch me off guard, disrupting my chatter and pulling me aside as everyone was exiting the great hall.
"I just wanted to double check we were still going together tonight?" He questioned anxiously, his hand stuffed into his pockets as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, his eyes, albeit slightly tired still beautifully warm and capturing, trailing my face.
"Yes, most definitely" I responded with a shy although enthusiastic smile, "I am on my way to pick up my dress with 'Mione and Ginny and we speak"
"Perfect" Fred breathed with a sigh of relief, "How short is it?" He teased, dampening his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue before pulling it between his teeth.
"Fuck off Weasley" I scoffed with a genuine grin, walking away to catch up with the girls.
And just like that the dynamic between us had transformed from an awkward hostility to something much more familiar, and although it wasn't quite as familiar as I would've liked, not quite taking the shape it once had, it was enough for now.
After an easy walk over to Hogsmeade, the three of us baskinging in the bitter warmth and golden rays of the now newly December sun, Hermione, Ginny and I had approached a large stone building on the far side of the village.
Its windows were framed with a dusted rose, the paint peeling slightly, although I found this only accentuated the shop's character, and there was a large green sign hanging still above the door reading "GLADRAGS WIZARDWEAR" in golden italics.
A gentle looking man sat on the furthest side of the shop, a pair of creson moon shaped speckles resting on his nose, as he flicked through a newspaper, his gaze disrupted by the bells above the door as we entered the shop.
"Hello ladies, from Hogwarts I presume. A little late to be selecting your Yule ball dresses now, don't you think?" He laughed good-naturedly, placing down his paper and resting his glasses atop.
"Actually, I am here to collect a dress that has been ordered in by a friend" I stated, easing the frail man's confusion.
"Ah let me take a look, do you have the name in which the order was placed?" He asked, slipping his golden glasses back upon his scrawny features, as he began shaikly flicking through a file on the register.
"Nymphadora Tonks"
Tonks had written me a letter no too long ago expressing her apologies for her intensity when it came to finding Sirius, and that it was a mixture of the necessity to do her job, and the desperation to bring him home, both of which I understood wholeheartedly and did not hold her accountable for.
Nonetheless she had insisted on getting my dress for the Yule ball, a sisterly gesture I sincerely appreciated, explaining she had seen something she thought would look "perfect" and just "had to buy".
Thus, I was handed a long burgundy dress bag, with the same golden italics from the shop's sign, traced along its front, the man bidding the three of us a good day as he handed it to me, waving us off as we headed back to Hogwarts.
I returned to my dormitory alone, Hermione and Ginny deciding against seeing the dress until later that evening, but truthfully I think they both were just desperate to find Harry and Ron, urgh love.
Although I had to briefly remind myself that in fact it wasn't 'urgh love' and rather "urgh, how did I manage to trick myself into thinking I could actually be on the receiving end of unconditional love, the type of love my friends flaunted about, from anyone, let alone Fred fucking Weasley'.
I shook these diminishing thoughts from my head, rejecting them quicker than they had arisen, as I began to unzip the dress bag, my heart immediately dropping as I was met with the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
A lace bodice in a mesmerising shade of cornflower blue, lace roses and butterflies adorning the corset, followed by a mesh skirt in that same sky-like blue, trailing its way to the floor, which too was scattered in lace flowers and vines, a daring slit travelling its way up the right side of the skirt.
It was everything.
An envelope sat lonely in the bottom of the bag which I immediately reached for and tore open, a handwritten note inside, along with a photograph. Before observing the picture I unfolded the note, my finger shaking with a gentle excitement.
~~~~
It's not the exact same, but I did some digging and wanted you to have a small piece of her, I hope you like it.
- Tonks xxx
~~~~
I then turned my attention over to the photograph, the back corner having the words 'Spring ball, 1978' scribbled messily across it, and my breath trapped itself in my throat as I stared intently down at the picture.
Staring back at me was Sirius, dressed dashingly in a suit, his bowtie undone like he thought he was James Bond, Remus equally as handsome standing beside him, his hands around his waist, Lily beside Remus and James beside her.
Although my attention was drawn to the beautiful woman on the far side of the photograph, standing next to Sirius, a gentle smile gracing her features, golden blonde locks cascading down her back, as she stood in an almost identical cornflower blue dress to the one lying on my bed.
It was my Mum.
A single, hot tear trickled down my cheek, I had never felt closer to my mum as I stared down at her, grateful for this small piece of her life in my hands.
She would be with me tonight, as she often was, and as I swiped away the stray tears of perfect bliss, I made a mental note to write Tonks, thanking her for such a gift.
Although as I headed back down towards the common room to grab the girls and show them the dress, the bustling sound of uneasy commotion sounded up the stairwell, and not the typical type of chaos situated around the twins and Lee, this was different, this was coming from a girl?
"Is everything alright in here?" I questioned cautiously, stepping into the common room, my breath hitching slightly at the unlikely scene unfolding before me.
Neville stood in the centre of the common room, a look of pure terror wiped across his face, a fierce shade of vermillion infusing his cheeks. Just centimetres from his fragile stance stood none other than a very enraged Pansy Parkinson.
"Everything is fine thanks" Pansy spat, "I am just making sure Longbottom over here knows what happens when I'm told no" She spoke in a sultry yet somehow vicious tone, her typically pale and watery eyes darkening to an icy emerald.
At her words, Harry pushed his way out from the small crowd, jumping to defend Neville, but was quickly halted by Ginny's grip on his wrist, and a worried shake of her head. Thankfully, no one stood close enough to stop me as I pushed my way forward and shifted Nevile out of Pansy's way replacing where he once stood.
"You know I've never stood this close to your face before, I could have sworn 'Slytherin's leading lady' was supposed to be hot" I chuckled, crossing my arms over my chest and eyeing her darkly.
Pansy immediately screwed up her face, as though she had tasted something painfully sour, before releasing an exaggerated scoff, "Excuse me 'little miss convict', do you have any idea who you are messing with here?"
"Messing? I had absolutely no idea we were playing a game" I laughed sinfully, reaching for my wand in the back pocket of my jeans, before digging the tip ever so slightly into her neck, forcing her gaze to remain on mine, "But since you mentioned it, lets not forget one of my dad's is a werewolf and the other is an ex-prisoner of Azkaban, still want to play that game?"
She stood stunned, opening her mouth ever so slightly, but immediately deciding against speaking, her breath heavy and ragged, her eyes dancing with pure terror, I loved it.
"No? I didn't think so. Neville owes you nothing, suggest otherwise again and you will find yourself tied to a tree during the next full moon, make no mistake" I giggled manically, an out of character and deranged laugh, but she didn't need to know that.
I lowered my wand reluctantly, and watched her violent breathing pattern subside, her eyes however still brimming with fear, "Now. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Sight" I spat and watched her scrambled out the common room, her friends following closely behind.
I didn't verbally address the others surrounding me, just scanned the room of shocked expressions and slack jaws, the room heavily silent, no one quite sure what to say.
I glanced over to Fred, catching my gaze with his, a combination shock and awe gracing his features, his golden eyes wide and full of adoration.
And I didn't know it then, but I would soon learn this happened to be a day of realisation. For me I learnt that maybe I was more of a bad-ass than I gave myself credit for.
For Fred Weasley however, it was the day he fell in love.