Feelings were foreign to me and recently I had no idea if I was feeling something until Jackson pointed out the emotion I was expressing.
It was strange, not knowing what was happening with my own mind and body, having to have someone point them out to me. But then I hadn't felt anything in so long, I had been in a constant state of emptiness and numbness. Feelings were a concept I didn't understand anymore.
There was no judgement with Jackson though. He accepted my depression and my numbness, only trying to help in reawakening some part of me that had gone dormant like a volcano that hadn't erupted in hundreds of years.
But when I pointed that fact out he said a dormant volcano has the capability to erupt and will, at some point, erupt. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. It was at that point I made the comment of being an extinct volcano, one that has the inability to erupt.
So after a discussion -a very long and agonisingly painful discussion- we both came to a compromise that I was a dormant volcano instead of an extinct one. My feelings were waiting for my emotions to 'heat up enough' so my magma could erupt.
Yes... he used that analogy.
Gloucester was our fourth stop out of the twelve cities we were visiting. A blur of ages rolled in to one: Romanesque and Victorian buildings; large and beautiful cathederals that looked like they adapted the style from the gothic middle ages; round arches; thick walls; giant towers; ornate gables; masonry walls.
"What we doing today then, oh great saviour?" I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes as we stood outside the plain building that looked more like a place where people are kidnapped and cut open for their organs.
At least I might die...
"I like that name." He smirked, throwing his arm over my shoulder while I scowled at the contact. "We are Go-Karting and axe throwing."
"Can we do axe throwing first?" The shot of excitement hits me, shocking me to my core at the emotion that passes through me.
I'm excited about axe throwing... I want to do this.
For the first time in a long time, I actually wanted to do something. I found the motivation to do something, a small part of me was clawing to be released. The motivation shocked me, my limbs weren't as tired or achy and the excitement wasn't faked.
Was I dying?
"Whatever you want." He continued walking, pulling me along with him. "Are you... excited?" He wiggles his eyebrows teasingly.
"No." I shrugged. Lie. "I just want an excuse to throw an axe at your head."
"Lying is a sin, you know?" He wiggled his eyebrows.
"So is trying to commit suicide." I shrugged as best I could with his arm over me. "I'm already going to hell, might as well be welcomed and praised when I go down there."
He chuckled. "You're one of a kind, you know that Elizabeth?"
I was a depressed nineteen -nearly twenty year old- who has ran away from her home to join a rugby enthusiast in road tripping around the country. Yes I would say I was one of a kind.
"You're just saying that so I don't throw an axe at your head. Or beat you at Go Karting." I resist the urge to smile up at him, instead keeping my gaze straight ahead as we enter the building.
The outside of the building doesn't match the inside. Instead of it being dark and eerie, with torturing screams echoing off every wall, it's light with the sounds of laughter and engines ricocheting.
He chortled. "Like you could beat me. I'm gonna kick your tiny ass."
My eyes narrow at him and I roll my lips in to stop smiling. "Winner buys dinner?"
"You're just giving me free dinners at this point." He grinned. "You're on."
Jackson immediately walks us over to the desk, giving his name that he booked with before following the man's instructions towards the axe throwing arena.
It's there we're shown a safety video and given a talk about how to properly throw an axe -like it's that hard. We're given strict instructions to only throw the axe at the wooden target and no one else (Jackson smirked and stuck his tongue out at that part while I sulked).
Whooshing and loud bangs reached my ears as we set foot in to the arena, seeing the multiple aisles for axe throwing where many people were already holding large axe's and aiming them at the red targets at the end of the aisles. Giddiness washed over me at the thought of releasing one of those axe's and watching it end up being impaled in to the wooden circle.
"Axe throwing involves a lot of moment. Do you maybe want to change in to a short sleeved top?" The instructor asked, a balding middle aged man with a small frown and beer belly. "We have spares."
Immediately my defenses slammed up, a steel wall that was pretty much impenetrable. "No thank you."
"Are you sure? Axe throwing is quite difficult anyway." He carried on.
Narrowing my eyes, I answered once again, "No thank you."
"It's going to be harder to thr-"
"I don't want to change." I glared and snapped, gritting my teeth at the man in front of me.
Glancing down, I tugged my hoodie further down, allowing the sleeves to hide my hands. I couldn't take it off, I wouldn't take it off.
Jackson stared at my hoodie covered bands and wrists before turning to the instructor. A shot of panic slithered down my spine, my stomach dropping. Did he know? How could he know?
"I'm sure she'll be fine. The hoodie is bigger so she'll be able to move." He smiled at the instructor, turning to me. His eyes glanced down at my forearms again before meeting my eyes. "You ready?"
I blew out a breath of relief that I didn't realise I was holding. He didn't mention it. "Of course."
Axe throwing was as exciting and stress relieving as I thought it would be. Every time I released the axe I imagined the target to be my depression, a terrifying monster that keeps me up at night. Imagining that released some of the darkness trapped inside.
"I want pizza." Jackson pouted, reluctantly handing me the money after Go Karting.
"Okie dokie." I smirked, plucking the twenty pound note out of his hand.
"You cheated!" He glared, pointing his finger accusingly.
Narrowing my eyes, I glare at him. "How did I cheat?"
"I don't know but I'm asking for the cctv footage."
"Ah you want to re-watch my epic win." I grin, hopping in to the car and watching as he does the slam and slams the door behind him, a pout still present on his lips.
"You cheated!"
For the first time in a year and on this trip, I laugh. I laugh along with Jackson, the sound and action odd to my ears and face as it had been so long since I found anything funny or felt some kind of lightness within me.
For the first time in a long time I don't feel as empty.
We ate our pizza in the car, listening to a radio station and talking quietly amongst ourselves before arriving back at the hotel room, my eyes dropping and my muscles aching with fatigue.
I was about to go to bed when Jackson's fingers wrapped around my bicep, restricting me from taking another step forward. I turned with creased eyebrows.
He swallowed audibly as a contorted look masked his face, his eyes flittering between my covered wrists and my eyes. Immediately I held at my sleeves tighter, panic pooling in the bottom of my stomach.
"Elizabeth..." He swallowed again, his frown deepening. "Please don't say..."
I never answered and that was his answer.
A pained look replaced his frown, his sapphire eyes darker and horror dancing within the depths of the gems. My stomach dropped. "How-? Why?"
Again I don't answer. My eyes drop to the red carpet of the hotel room.
"When did you start?"
A lump forms in my throat. "A couple months after Elliot..."
"How many times?" I shrug, hating myself in this moment. Shame washes over me like a tidal wave. "Shit... it's going to be okay Eliza."
He didn't know that. No one knew that.
I wasn't going to be okay, I don't think I would ever be okay and that was the worse part about it. There was no hope within me, there wasn't a glimmer or an ounce or a thread. I saw a bleak future filled to the brim with suffering.
With tears there's hope.
I had no tears and I had no hope.
"I'm really tired." I clear my throat, my voice small and broken. "I'm going to go to bed."
Before I can even escape his clutches he pulls me in to him, hugging me tightly to his chest and kissing my hair before sighing. "You're going to be okay." I stand frozen as he hugs me tighter before letting me go. "Go to bed."
I return his smile with a nod, my mind swirling and my heart pounding at what just happened.
What did just happen?