Hogwarts School of Dangerous Creatures
Hogwarts has always been known as the safest magical building in the wizarding world. Its wards are known as
powerful enough to keep Death Eaters and many Dark creatures and objects at bay. Many parents send their
children here in hopes that they will have a safe seven years of education.
But they are deceived.
The school has been home to a fully-grown Cerberus, an ancient Basilisk, a werewolf, one hundred Dementors
and several Acromantulas, as well as played host to a fully-grown troll, a cursed diary, two Death Eaters, four
dragons, and You-Know-Who himself.
In 1991, Albus Dumbledore hired Quirinus Quirrell, unaware that the man had been possessed by You-Know-
Who. That year, the headmaster was also protecting the Sorcerer's Stone, which his friend, Nicolas Flamel, had
supposedly given him to watch over. Given the wards protecting the school, one would think Dumbledore had no
need to add any more protection. Instead, he placed a series of traps in front of the Stone and borrowed Rubeus
Hagrid's Cerberus, "Fluffy," to keep any unauthorized wizard from getting the Stone.
If Dumbledore assumed this would keep the students safe, he was wrong. By the time the school year had ended,
Severus Snape, Potions Master, had been attacked by the colossal dog, Professor Quirrell had died, our own
Boy-Who-Lived had been attacked by the possessed teacher, and Harry Potter's young friend, Ronald Weasley,
had been knocked out by one of the "traps" guarding the Stone.
If you think the danger stopped there, my dear readers, you would be wrong.
The very next year, the Chamber of Secrets was reopened -- not by the Heir of Slytherin, but by Ginevra Weasley,
who was being possessed by a cursed diary which had once belonged to the Dark Lord. The ancient monster in
the chamber was a Basilisk, who managed to Petrify four students, the caretaker's familiar, and the Gryffindor
ghost before Harry Potter managed to kill it. The diary was also destroyed by the Gryffindor Golden Boy when the
memory of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named tried to murder the child.
If any students expected the next year to be safer, they were sorely wrong. As the readers may recall, 1993 was
when the supposed murderer, Sirius Black, escaped from Azkaban. What most people are unaware of is that
Dumbledore, in his infinite wisdom, allowed the Minister to send a hundred Dementors to "protect" the school.
"Right, 'protect,'" scoffs Blaise Zabini, fifth year Slytherin. "Black wasn't going to attack any of the students except
Harry Potter. Dumbledore could have hid him in a safe house to protect him from a wizard that might have
attacked someone instead of endangering an entire school with creatures that are entirely willing and able to
suck out people's souls, innocent or not."
Mr. Zabini was quite right. The dementors ascended on a Quidditch game, almost performing the Kiss on forty
children before they were banished by Dumbledore. Harry Potter, the Seeker of Gryffindor, fainted fifty feet over
the ground and almost died.
At the end of the year, the Boy-Who-Lived and his two friends, Mr. Weasley and Hermion Granger, were attacked
by a werewolf -- Professor Lupin, who, most of the time, was a kind, gentle wolf, but in the excitement of Sirius
Black attacking the school, he had forgotten to take his Wolfsbane.
1994 was the most dangerous year by far. The Triwizard Tournament was introduced as a fun little competition
that encouraged friendship between the three schools -- Hogwarts, Durmstrang, and Beaubatons -- when in
reality, it was a dangerous trial that forced a fourteen-year-old boy to steal a golden egg from a mother dragon,
a Hungarian Horntail no less, brave vicious mermaids, wicked Grindilows, and a giant squid to rescue his friend,
Mr. Weasley, and navigate a maze full of Blast-Ended-Screwts, sphinxes, Acromantulas, and Boggarts. The
Tournament was so dangerous that a talented, powerful wizard died. And to finish off the chaotic year, their
Defense professor, the trusted, powerful Auror, Mad-Eye Moody, had been impersonated by a mad Death Eater,
Bartemius Crouch Jr.
How are parents supposed to relax, knowing their children are in danger every time they send them off to
Hogwarts?
How are parents supposed to trust the headmaster to protect their children?
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*mentions of a pedophile and r***; skip the section about Sebastian Gray*
Defense Against Dangerous and Incompetent Professors
Yes, readers; your children are being taught by unqualified wizards. After the last article, I'm sure you hoped
I would deliver good news, but this is not the case.
For the last fifty years, nearly every single Defense Against the Dark Arts professor has been dangerous, mad,
or stupid. Each teacher only lasts one year before they are fired, killed, or maimed. This is because the Dark Lord
cursed the position many, many years earlier.
To persuade you of this, I begin with Professor Sebastian Gray.
In 1973, Headmaster Dumbledore hired what seemed to be a charismatic, warm-hearted individual: the inventor
of the Pain Reliever Potion, Sebastian Gray. However, the man turned out to be a pedophile. Many students were
nearly attacked by the man, but with the help of the Marauders -- James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and
Peter Pettigrew -- the man was unable to satisfy his desires, and the students were protected.
"The man was a disgusting, horrible butthead," Sirius Black states furiously. "Sometimes I wish I'd burned his
face off!"
This was not the last time Dumbledore hired professors like Gray. In 1974, Professor Barnabas Reed attempted
to r*** Professor Sprout, but his efforts were stopped by Professor McGonagall.
Other times, the professor was simply unintelligent, but this made them no less dangerous. In 1956, Professor
Caractas Rosier set fire to a student when improperly handling a fire salamander; in 1960, Professor Orville
Newton blew up his office with what he thought was a rhinoceros horn, but was actually an erumpent horn; in
1967, Professor Victoria Bird brought a dragon egg to class -- which promptly hatched and set fire to her robes;
in 1992, Professor Gilderoy Lockhart destroyed his own classroom by releasing about thirty Cornish Pixies on
a class of twelve-year-olds, which included our dear Boy-Who-Lived.
I haven't even mentioned the times were Dumbledore has ignorantly hired two Death Eaters!
Can we trust Dumbledore to hire qualified witches and wizards who will teach our children of the dangers out
in the world? Or will he continue to disappoint us with pedophiles, Death Eaters, and idiotic men and women?
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Dear Lord Voldemort,
I'm attempting to have a law passed that will allow creatures such as vampires, werewolves, and Veela the same rights as human witches and wizards. If this is truly what you're fighting for, please tell your followers to vote for it to be passed.
Basilisk