December 1989
I had just turned twenty-two years old, and Captain Fuller gave me the gift of taking a quick break from arresting high school students.
He tossed me the file while I was sitting with my team at the table in the chapel squadroom. I opened it and saw a polaroid picture of a greasy, crusty man's mug shot attached to my papers. I flipped through them with a puzzled expression until I saw my name and my backstory, "Mistletoe Mickey?"
Fuller nodded, "the mall Santa over at the Metro Mall has been receiving complaints from the parents about their mall Santa Claus. I just want you to go and see what's going on."
"Why can't the employees do it?" I asked.
"Because he gets on his best behavior when he's around his bosses. Apparently, he had great references but we have reason to believe that they're fake. You're going to be his elf, and we've already picked up your uniform."
I glanced back to our little costumes department and saw a little green number with golden jingle bells dangling out. I groaned, and Fuller assured me that this should be an easy bust.
I refused to get dressed in front of my coworkers, no matter how much they begged. I grabbed the costume and told them I'd see them later, and I left.
I arrived at the mall and talked to my boss-for-the-week, and changed into demeaning red and white striped tights, a little green dress with jingle bells, black boots, a tight black belt, and a matching hat that laid over my wavy hair. I looked and felt ridiculous.
I met the Santa and even behind his fake beard, I could easily tell he was the crusty man in the picture. He told me his name was Willie. I introduced myself, and he reeked of booze. That seemed like enough to fire him, but I guess it wasn't.
I was instructed to just take photos of him and the children, and sell them to the parents. If I was a parent, I would never let my child near this man.
Throughout the shift, he kept saying inappropriate things to the children. Why don't you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first... when a kid asked if he was Santa he replied, no, I'm an accountant. I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement... when a kid said that he wanted a certain toy, Willie asked, what the fuck is that?... just a bunch of jaw-dropping stuff. It was pretty obvious that the parents were not hearing these obscene comments. I had to force myself to smile, which made my cheeks ache.
It was finally our lunch break and we told the kids in line that we would be right back. Willie almost immediately took off his fake beard in front of all the children and wondered into a little gingerbread house set we had next to our station. The inside had a table with a hot coco machine, a tub of candy canes, and our belongings.
I followed him in there and as soon as the door closed, I asked, "hey? What the hell was that?"
He coughed up a loogey and muttered, "I'm working. And, it's none of your fucking business," before spitting it in the corner.
"That's disgusting," I said and took a step back from the man. I accidentally bumped the table behind me.
"You don't have to like me, sweetheart," he said as staggered to the table and made himself some hot coco, but poured rum into it from a bottle in the pocket of his Santa coat.
"This is so inappropriate," I stated, "you are working with children. You need to pull yourself together."
"Relax, I've got... like... fifteen minutes." He downed the whole thing in a single gulp. "Say, got any snow?"
"Snow?"
"You know... the devils dandruff? Nose candy?"
I stared at him blankly. "No. Why would I have that?"
"It's just a question, god."
"How did you even get this job?" I genuinely asked.
He shrugged, "dunno. But I'm Santa now."
"Well, you don't look like Santa."
He burped and said, "well, I am."
I was livid so I turned around to grab some more candy canes to put in my pocket to give to the children. That was when I heard Willie whistle, "with an elf like that, Santa ain't coming to town this year, I'll be going to town."
I rolled my eyes and tried to ignore him because I had a job to do, but then I felt pressure on my butt. He was grabbing my ass, and I was really not okay with that. My natural instinct took over. I didn't have my gun, so I grabbed Willie's wrist and twisted it around his back and knocked him down so his face was pressed against the table. I put significant amount of weight on my forearm which rested at the base of Willie's neck so he couldn't get back up.
"Touch me again, and I swear to god I will make you regret it for the rest of your fucking life," I spat at him through my gritted teeth. He wiggled under my grasp but I wasn't about to let him go. I wanted to arrest him right then and there, but I needed more evidence if I was going to put him away for a long time, but this was definitely going on my naughty list.
"Jesus, bitch," he said and I let him go. He rubbed at his neck as he stood up straight and looked at me with an expression that was a mixture of anger and confusion. "What the hell do they teach you at Elf Academy?!"
My nostrils were flared in pure anger and I said to him in a calm yet intimidating tone, "touch me again, and I will beat your ass."
He didn't say anything, instead he walked out the back door of our gingerbread house. I followed him as he stumbled toward the food court.
"Fifteen minutes," I snapped at him.
He waved me off, "yeah, yeah."
I internally groaned and turned around to head over to the nearby payphone instead of following Willie to the food court. I called up Tom, for the only reason was to complain. He wasn't on this case, so I did not have to ask for his assistance for anything.
"Things not so cheery at the North Pole?" Tom asked after he heard my voice.
"Hardly," I said, looking over my shoulder to make sure no one could hear me. "He's an asshole."
"How is it?" He asked.
"He told a kid that he loved a woman who wasn't clean," I stated.
Tom was silent for a moment. "Is that code for a sex thing?"
"Absolutely."
"Wow... that's shocking," Tom said, "to a child?!"
"Yeah. He reeks of booze, he's disgusting... and I'm pretty sure he pissed himself," I said. I didn't want to tell him about Willie trying to grope me, at least not over the phone. I know he would only get mad and protective, which would not help this case.
"What are you going to do?" Tom asked.
"I don't really know... I don't want to arrest Santa Claus in front of a ton of children. That would traumatize them. It would probably traumatize me too. I might have to wait until our shift is over. Might need to call for backup soon though, he just drank a small bottle of rum."
"Is your cover still solid?"
"A Gregg cover comes with a lifetime guarantee," I told him.
"They can't call in a replacement?" Tom asked.
I laughed, "Willie is the replacement." I looked at my watch and did not realize how fast the time went. I said, "the phone is almost out of minutes. I'm going to have to let you go."
"Call me later, okay?"
"Okay," I promised and hung up.
I headed up toward the food court and saw that Willie was eating a salad at a table. His hat and wig and fake beard were off, completely distancing himself from Santa. A mother walked up to him with her young son, and I hoped that he would at least be nice to them. However, that was not the case. As he was chewing, he yelled at them, "I'm on my fucking lunch break, okay?!"
Salad was coming out his mouth as he was fuming with anger. Once the woman and her son walked away, I saw him take another little bottle of liquor from his coat and pour it in his soda. How many of those things did he have? I was flabbergasted that no one had the means to fire this man yet. He was sleazy, disgusting, incredibly rude, and intoxicated.
I headed back to the Gingerbread house and got inside. I wrote all the fireable offenses that Willie committed on a piece of paper and put it along the waistband of my tights so I wouldn't lose it. I waited a couple more minutes for Willie to join me, but he never did.
I eventually got out because it had been more than fifteen minutes and I tried to entertain the line of anxiously impatient children by asking them Christmas-y questions. I usually find it difficult to get along with children easily, but I took on the role of a friendly elf pretty well. The kids seemed to like me and asked me questions about the North Pole, but occasionally they would want to know where Santa was. I told them that he had to go outside to feed the reindeer, and he would be right back.
"There's Santa!" A kid called out and pointed. I followed their direction and saw Willie stumbling up to the station. My jaw dropped when I saw his condition. His belt was off so his cheap coat was opened, he wasn't wearing his hat or the wig, or even his beard. He was so intoxicated, he was mumbling incoherently. Before I could do anything to distract the children from it, Willie stumbled forward and grabbed at a donkey statue we had. He lost his footing and fell into a pile of wrapped boxes in front of all the children.
"Oh my god," I said and ran up to him. He smelled like urine, vomit, and alcohol. I grabbed his arm to help him stand up and I tried to use my body to block him from the kids.
"What's wrong with Santa?" One of the kids asked innocently. A lot of parents were shielding their kids eyes from the horrific scene.
"Oh, Santa is a little tired. He just needs some hot coco, and he will be right back!" I lied and dragged Willie into the gingerbread house.
As soon as the door closed, I mercilessly dropped Willie on the ground and flashed him my badge. "You are arrested for disturbing the peace, public indecency, sexual battery, and public drunkenness, Willie."
He groaned and tried to roll over but threw up on the floor. I grimaced and stuck my hand in my purse and felt for my handcuffs. Once I got a hold of them, I squatted down and cuffed his hands behind his back and read him his Miranda Rights. Suddenly, the back door to the gingerbread house opened and I looked up to see Doug there in his uniform, and the head of the Metro Mall Security.
"Nice tights," Doug joked, looking down at me.
I rolled my eyes with a soft chuckle and stood up and smoothed out my thick green skirt. "What are you doing here?"
"Heard you might have needed some help. Looks like we came at the right time," Doug answered. Then he sniffed and winced, "yikes." He bent down with the head of security and they each grabbed one of Willie's arms and got him to his feet. His head was dangling down, swaying at every jolt the officers gave him.
"I read him his rights," I told Doug and handed him the note I made which listed all the offenses.
"Thanks," Doug said and escorted Willie out of there, keeping themselves out of the view of the children.
Once they were gone, I sighed and looked around. The excitement of the bust was gone, and now it was just me and the puke on the floor. I wasn't sure if I should go back out there and tell the kids that Santa had to feed the reindeer back at the North Pole or what... but I felt obligated to give the children a reason why Santa left abruptly.
The door squeaked open and a man walked in wearing a puffy Santa costume, with a thick beard of white and thin glasses on the tip of his pink nose. The fake hair was a lot more realistic than Willie's, because this head was curly and white.
He had a deep voice as he said, "I'm here to see the children. Hopefully I'm not too late."
I looked past the tiny glasses and saw Tom's sparkling brown eyes. I smiled, "what are you doing here?"
He went back to his natural voice, "I couldn't let this scene ruin a ton of kids' Christmases."
I beamed joyfully at him. "Right this way, Santa," I said and led him out to the crowd.
The kids cheered for Santa's return, and the parents were overjoyed that it was a different man. I resumed my position of taking the photos, and Tom was so good with the kids. He made them laugh, feel comfortable, and cracked improv Christmas jokes. He made the shift go by so much quicker, and the kids loved him. My smile was never forced.
There was one little girl who went up to Tom, and her mother walked up with her. She had tight curly brown hair, and wore a green wool coat to keep her warm from the freezing temperature outside. Once she was sitting on Tom's lap, Tom tried to speak to her but her mother interrupted to say, "she's deaf. You don't have to talk to her, she just wanted to see you."
Tom looked down at the little girl for a few moments. I could see it in his eyes that his mind was running amok but then he smiled at her joyously and repositioned her on his lap. With both of his gloved hands free, he pointed at her and began to talk to her through American Sign Language. While he spoke to her, he also repeated what he was saying out loud. "You are a very beautiful young lady."
The little girl smiled so big, and she seemed shocked that Santa could talk to her. I gazed at her mom, who's eyes filled with tears at their encounter. The little girl thanked him by putting her hand up to her lips and brought her hand down.
"What's your name?" Tom signed.
When the little girl answered, Tom asked, "Sami? That's a beautiful name."
Sami thanked him again, and she was very giddy. She looked back at her mom, who had the most heartwarming expression on her face. Tom chuckled in a jolly way, and he really reminded me of Santa. And to this little girl, he was her world. I was in complete and utter awe at their beautiful interaction.
"Do you know Jingle Bells?" Tom asked her in his deep, old man voice to keep the spirit of Santa alive.
She nodded with her hand and began signing the lyrics to Jingle Bells, and Tom sang along with her quietly. "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh." Tom chuckled deeply and clapped his hands for her. "Very good!"
"Darling, what would you like for Christmas?" Tom asked. When she answered, he repeated, "a doll? And a bear? Oh, you shall have them! Certainly."
Her smile was so bright, and I could not stop watching them talk to each other. I could feel the icy shield around my heart melt and grow three sizes. Tom said softly, "I wish you a merry Christmas."
She repeated some of the signs that Tom gave her, so I assumed that she wished him a merry Christmas also. She used her hands to mimic a big beard, which told me that she called him Santa. Tom chuckled again and kissed the side of her head as a goodbye. I almost forgot to take their picture.
Sami's mother walked up to them and she thanked Tom profusely. She helped Sami slip off of Tom's lap, and I could see the spark in Sami's eyes, a spark that showed how much she believed in Santa. They waved goodbye to Santa, and they walked off together. Sami could not stop smiling.
Once the line was gone and the mall was coming to a close, Tom stayed in character until every kid in the mall was gone. When we were closing up shop, I had grabbed my purse and walked up to him and said, "that was really kind of you. You didn't have to do this."
"I didn't want to leave my girl hanging," he chuckled and gave me a kiss.
"I didn't know that you knew Sign Language," I stated, remembering how adorable he was with Sami. I couldn't get it out of my head. He was so good with the kids, it melted my heart.
"My cousin is deaf. I started learning when I was really young. My whole family learned it when we found out he was using ASL," he said.
"I didn't meet him on Thanksgiving," I stated. I would have remembered if I met Tom's deaf cousin.
"He was out of town but he should be coming for Christmas." Then, in a funny voice, he said, "why don't you grab some candy canes, I'll grab some coco, and you and me can have a movie night tonight."
"Oh, but Santa... what will Mrs. Claus think?" I joked, wrapping my arms around his neck.
"Let's not talk about my wife," he kept up the joke and planted another kiss on my lips, but the fake beard kept getting in the way. "Even I can't make candy as sweet as you. But, I checked twice, and you are on my naughty list."
"How can I get on the nice list?" I asked, fiddling with the white fluff on his coat. Oh my god, this made me cringe but I wanted to see how far he would go.
He rocked back on his heels and looked up at the ceiling and said, "make tonight a not-so-silent night. Milk and cookies taste good at breakfast too."
I laughed at his goofiness and started walking away. I had to think of more raunchy Christmas-jokes to top his. Tom caught up to me and put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close as we began our strut out of the mall. He tilted his head and leaned down to kiss my neck which made me giggle from his tickling beard.
"You smell like a sexy, boozy, warm cinnamon apple pie," he said with desire in his voice. "Fucking delicious."
"Only for the holidays," I giggled. It's my favorite holiday perfume, I wear it every year around Christmas time. I asked him, back in my character, "my place or yours for the reindeer games?"
"I'll hurry down your chimney tonight because Mrs. Claus is home. I'll unwrap you like a present and I'll stuff your stocking."
"Is Santa Claus gonna put himself on the naughty list this year? Santa has never been this hard to resist, but Santa never used to look like this."
"I'll wrap my package but you can expect a white Christmas. We can try to have a few elves of our own."
I couldn't keep it together anymore. I laughed and slapped my hand lightly on his chest and pushed him away. He stumbled for a moment as he laughed before regaining his balance. Then he charged at me, and I squealed when he wrapped his arms around me from the back and picked me up. He spun me around a couple times while I laughed feverishly. When he finally put me down, I turned toward him and wrapped my fingers around the ends of his fake bread and tugged until the beard fell to his neck.
"Ah, nuts," he chuckled and snapped his fingers.
"I need a taste of Christmas cheer," I said and got on my tip-toes to give him a kiss. "I'll see you soon."
"See you," he said back and kissed me again. Our lips separated and came together two more times, as if we were planning it. We finally left each other's arms and headed to our cars.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
This chapter was inspired by the film, Bad Santa! It's super raunchy and hilarious 😂
And we just hit 5K reads!!! Thank you all so so much for your support, it means a lot! And I'm so happy you guys are enjoying this book!! 🥰🥰
Next chapter is Mickey visiting her Dad for Christmas!
Please vote and comment 😁🥰