(Img src: Instagram/ mzkwii)
Sunlight streamed through the high windows, illuminating the aged wooden benches within the courtroom. A large Moniyan flag adorned the wall behind the judge's bench, where a young woman sat, nervously adjusting her robe. At her side, the bailiff, with his countenance stern, addressed the room with a powerful voice.
Tigreal: "All rise for the honorable judge."
Alucard: "Wait, why is Silvanna the judge?"
Silvanna: "To be honest I'm a royal. And.. w-well... no one else wanted to do this role, so I'm on jury duty. Now today we are here for the case of Hermine versus Zasteria. Who shall be representing the both of you?"
Granger Hermine: "I shall be the prosecution."
Alucard Zasteria: "And I shall be defending myself."
A voice murmured from the public gallery.
Charlotte: "Fascinating.. They are careless enough to not have an attorney to represent themselves."
Percival (Charlotte's husband): "That's the typical hunter behavior, Charlotte."
Silvanna: "Anyways, let us proceed. May the both of you provide me with your opening statements."
Granger & Alucard: "uuuuuuuuhhhhhhh"
Silvanna: "So the reasoning for this case iiissss?"
Granger: "Your honor, Alucard Zasteria's bitch ass spent 10,000 diamonds on Mobile legends and it canceled my Netflix subscription. I want him dead!"
Alucard: "Why do you even need Netflix?"
Granger: *angry* "I need to be able to watch SpongeBob in five different languages!"
Charlotte: "Best way to learn new languages."
Percival: "Indeed."
Silvanna: "I cannot promise you death, but I can promise you justice."
Granger: "Damn it!"
Silvanna: "Let's start off with the defense. Mr. Zasteria, may you please show evidence."
Alucard: "Yes your honor. I'd like to call Fanny to the stand."
And so, a young girl known for her fiery personality steps up on the witness stand.
Alucard: "Fanny, what are your thoughts on me?"
Fanny: "Alucard's the best big bro! Not only is he super buff, but he makes me the most incredible sandwiches!"
Silvanna: "Okay, while that is very sweet of him... H-how does that not convict him of being a cancer MLBB player?"
Fanny: "Wait. I thought we were talking about how good of a housewife Alucard is and how he should marry my brother."
Alucard: "What?"
Tigreal: "What?"
Fanny: "What do you mean by 'what'? My brother is a total catch, unlike that gloomy goth dude! Seriously, don't make the same mistake as her." *points at the judge.*
Charlotte: "The princess sure has questionable taste."
Percival: "Fanny is fujoshi and Granger & Silvanna are a couple. Is this canon?"
Yes it is.
Alucard: "Oh my God, now even Tigreal is part of my harem. I am so done with this."
Silvanna: *Extremely angry* "Mr. Zasteria, are you positive you would like to continue with Fanny as your witness?"
Alucard: *distressed* 'Fuck, fuck, shit, what should I fucking- oh yeah!' "MIYA!! I call Miya Moonelf to the stand!"
As the young lady was escorted out by the bailiff, a stunning moonlight elf gracefully took her place on the witness stand.
Alucard: "Now Miya, can you testify that I'm not some lousy, good for nothing bum, that spends all his money on Moonton's gambling game!"
Charlotte: "Gambling?"
Percival: "Having a rare chance to get the limited epic skin, yeah sounds like a gambling to me."
Miya: "Well I mean Fanny did have a good enough point. He typically is on demon hunting quests; and whenever he does get paid, he puts his money on the side and attends to his bills, any weapon maintenance he has and uhhh..."
Silvanna: "'And uhhh' what?"
Granger: *amused voice* "All hospital bills he has to pay from the physical abuse that Miya inflicts upon him."
Silvanna: "Oh my."
Granger: "Abuse so bad that it led him to buy the twilight pass to get a better girlfriend."
Miya: "WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! GET OVER HERE SO I CAN KICK YOUR SCRAWNY LIL GOTH ASS!"
Alucard: "Objection! Silvanna!"
Silvanna: "On what grounds?"
Alucard: "BULLSHIT!"
Granger: "Nuh uh."
Charlotte: "I heard elves disliked humans.. but domestic violence.."
Percival: "Alucard did once tell me that he is a masochist..."
Fanny: "My brother's stern attitude is perfect for any dominatrix play, Alucard! Marry him!!"
Alucard: "I am straight Fanny!"
Fanny: "Then be gay!"
Silvanna: *banging a gavel* "Order! Order! My goodness, it's like babysitting a bunch of toddlers on crack here."
Tigreal: "Oh lord, where did I failed?"
Silvanna: *sigh* "Aside from what may be admittance to domestic abuse (and questionable sexual fetish), you do seem to make a good point and your story does line up with Fanny. That will end the defendant's turn. Any word from the prosecution?"
Granger: "I request to bring in Ruby to the stand."
A cute girl, cloaked in a vibrant red hood, ascended the witness stand.
Granger: "Now Ruby, is there anything you can testify that may suggest that Alucard Zasteria is a filthy degenerate MLBB feeder and fatherless."
Alucard: "OBJECTION!! Granger is leading the witness!!"
Granger: "Nuh uh."
Silvanna: "Sustained."
Ruby: "Hmm well, I mean he doesn't seem like one to me, he doesn't taste like one either. I can't think of any decent examples..."
Alucard: *mocking Granger* "HA!"
Charlotte: *whispers* "Did she just say-"
Percival: *whispers back* "Don't point it out, don't."
Ruby: "...besides the fact that he has a shrine of multiple Modena butterfly and Suzuhime figures in his closet."
Alucard: "FUCK."
Miya & Fanny: "What!?"
Granger: "Oh my? And what's this? They're here right now! I summon all the Miya figurines to stand!"
Silvanna: "Ohh? Oh my god."
The death chanter opens a magical portal, through which a huge collection of figurines is summoned on the judge's bench. The figurine list included 3 chibi nendoroids of Captain Thorns, Honor, Doom catalyst; a huge statue of Sweet Fantasy, An action figures of Jungle Ranger and Burning Bow, another ecchi statue of Modena Butterfly (with detachable clothes feature), designer figurines of Christmas Carnival, Moon Priestess and Atomic Pop Miya. It also contained funko pops of-
Percival: "Stop, everyone skipped it anyway."
Miya: *grabs Alucard's collar* "Alucard, What the fuck is this!? I'M RIGHT HERE!!! WHAT KIND OF SICK BASTARD COLLECTS FIGURES OF HIS OWN GIRL-"
Silvanna: "Bailiff, grab her."
Miya: "GAHH!! LET ME GO HUMAN!! UNHAND ME!!!"
Tigreal: "Our lord and all almighty savior.. Please get me out of this bullshit."
Percival: "Even Tigreal cracked."
Charlotte: 'I want figures of Percival too..'
Miya: "EXPLAIN YOURSELF YOU FATHERLESS FUCK!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE MULTIPLE FIGURES OF ME?"
Alucard: "Miya, I told you. No matter what, I'll always love you in every universe."
Natan (Alucard's and Layla's great grand grand grand grand grandson): "I am literal living evidence that is not true."
Charlotte: *asking Percival* "Did he just come here to say that one line?"
Natan: "No, I came to escort her here"
Lunox: "Are you winning son!"
Alucard: *adjusting his collar* "Yep."
Silvanna: "While that is embarrassing, it isn't quite enough to convict him of being the reason your Netflix subscription got cancelled."
Granger: "But on the contrary, I have one more critical piece of evidence."
Alucard: "Oh? And what's that!"
Granger: "Your honor, Alucard Zastria's play store account!"
A sly smile played on Granger lips as he whipped out a tablet. On the screen, a river of red digits flowed - Alucard's transaction history, a shopping spree documenting various pulls and purchases of every single Aspirant skin.
Granger: "Countless amounts of money spent, and not even on his own woman no less. But on Ruby!!"
With a dramatic flourish, he directs attention to the screen, where Mecha Maiden was his most recent purchase.
Ruby: *blushing* "Alu-"
Miya: "ALUCARD YOU CHEATING MAN WHORE!! DRAWING FOR RUBY BUT NOT ME???"
Alucard: "What the hell? Event-skin pulls are okay but figures are where you draw the line?"
Miya: "BOTH ARE BAD! But it's even worse that it's also RUBY!"
Ruby: *whispers under breath* "Stealing bitch."
Tigreal: "He's fatherless, a degenerate and a cheater. Lord have mercy on this poor bitchless soul."
Percival: "Ayo Tigreal, you okay man?"
Silvanna: "I've heard enough from the both of you, as well as the peanut gallery."
Miya: "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? I'LL FUCK YOU UP YOU STUPID BITCH! AT LEAST I DON'T GET KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER AND NEED TO BE SAVED BY A ITALIAN MAN EVERY WEEK!!..."
Percival: "I think she confused her for a different princes-"
Granger: "How did she know I am an Italian?"'
Natan: "That explains many things."
Fanny: "He did give that mafia vibe."
Percival: "I give up."
Miya: "...UNLIKE YOU PRUDISH BITCH, I HAVE SOME ACTION WITH MY MAN!!..."
Silvanna: "Bailiff, please escort her out."
Miya: *dragged by Tigreal out of the courtroom* "...WHAT ABOUT THAT YOU STUCK-UP HOE. I BET YOU CAN'T EVEN SATISFY YOURSELF PROPERLY, YOU FRIGID BITCH, BURN IN HELL-"
*Thud!!*
The door slammed shut,effectively silencing the elf's maddened screeches.
Silvanna: *sigh* "I've come to a verdict. In the case of criminal Moonton gambling addiction against Alucard Zasteria, I find the defendant guilty-"
"OBJECTION!!!"
The doors swung open, and there stood a catboy, his voice overflowing with energy as he protested the court's decision.
Granger: "GOD DAMN IT!!"
Silvana: *Stressed princess noises* "arghhhhhhahhh WHAT!?!? We were just about to wrap this up!!"
Harith: "Granger forged those draws!! While the purchase was made on Alucard's playstore account, it was purchased using Granger bank account!!"
He presented Granger's bank statements as evidence to the court.
Granger: *flummoxed* "I uuuhhh__ he is not canon to this worldline, IGNORE THE FEMBOY!"
Harith: "Who are you calling a Fem-"
Silvanna: "SILENCE!! Alucard Zasteria, you are hereby found not guilty!"
Granger: *losing it* "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! I CAN'T EVEN STAND ALLOFYOU!! YOU'REALLFUCKINGSTUPID!!!"
Silvanna: "Baliff, escort him out as well."
Granger: *dragged out of courtroom by Tigreal* "YOUDUMBLEONINBITCH!!!! I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL COME BACK AND KILL YOU ALUCARD ZASTERIA, I WILL KILL YOUUUU-"
*Thud!!*
Once more, the door slammed shut, silencing the goth man's enraged cries.
Alucard: "So my backup plan worked. Thanks for the assist, Harith."
Harith: "Can't believe you killed me after you lost!"
Alucard: "Yeah. Neat backup plan ain't it?"
Lunox: *taps Harith's shoulder*
Harith: "Yes?"
Lunox: "Why are you gay?"
Harith: "Who says I am gay?"
Lunox: "You are gay."
Harith: *sigh* "I am gonna ask Granger to kill me."