"I almost don't want to leave" Beau admitted as he folded the remaining clothing and stuffed it into his bags. He wasn't sure how he felt about leaving Westwood... He wasn't sure where he'd go or what he wanted to do. Maybe he'd take a year off before trying to get into college... He had applied to a few places across the states but highly doubted he'd get in anywhere. He had good grades and had always been exceptionally good at writing essays. But he doubted many colleges wanted an arsonist to attend.
He had arrived at Westwood distraught and lost... All he wanted was to develop decent coping skills and make Lukas proud. He was an empty shell of his optimistic and bright self Lukas had ripped away from him... He was lost and confused and had freaked out because he had kissed Aiden... Now he was happy with the friendship he and Aiden had built... He still had feelings for him, but he was content and happy around him.
He found himself smiling more. It wasn't a forced smile or a half-hearted one anymore. He wasn't just smiling when he was around people he liked but he found himself smiling at strangers and meaning it. He found himself smiling when he answered questions in school or when he was performing simple tasks... Beau always smiled before because Lukas was always at his side. He smiled because he loved life. He was always happy because he had a reason to be happy.
Now he was smiling not for Aiden or Jullian or Markos... For the first time in a long time, he was smiling for himself. He was smiling because he loved himself inside and out. He wasn't a monster for wanting to be happy with someone after Lukas... He was just a boy that was ready to move on and be happy.
He had managed to build stable and strong friendships too... Not only was there Aiden who had helped him through everything with Lukas but he had Markos and Jullian. Markos had quickly become a brotherly figure to him. He helped him navigate a world outside of his small, conservative town. He made Beau more comfortable to express his more feminine side. He got rid of Aiden's insecurities about having more feminine and softer features rather than the sharp jaw and chiseled face Beau had once thought everyone wanted.
He made Beau more comfortable wearing pink, offered to paint Beau's nails, and even made Beau consider piercing his ears. Beau had arrived at Westwood with a lot of prejudices and silent judgemental thoughts that had been carved into him from a young age. His mother, bless her, was an amazing person but had taught Beau that modesty was always best. She had taught him that God worked in mysterious ways and that he shouldn't question things. To just listen and move on. He had believed that anyone different was wrong. Markos had helped undo those prejudices alongside Aiden.
Jullian had become the only person he felt completely comfortable confiding in about Lukas or any difficulties he had when it came to balancing his religion and his sexuality. Jullian understood the pressure he felt to be perfect. To uphold morals engraved into him from a young age. He understood that religion wasn't just a beautiful thing or a toxic environment... Not many people seemed to understand that it was both. His religion was beautiful because he reassured him that Lukas was happy and in paradise. But the people could still be incredibly toxic. Jullian understood that.
Jullian had been one of the only people who knew what it was like to lose someone they were close to. He was the one Beau confided in when he wasn't sure how to deal with Lukas. Jullian had taught Beau to be more upfront about how he felt. How to be honest and the importance of processing and acknowledging negative emotions...
And then there was Aiden. Aiden had changed Beau's life for the better... He made Beau smile even on his worst days. He stood by Beau at all times... He took him when he was at his lowest point, made him laugh when he was at his highest... He was always there. He made Beau want to live the life he always wanted to live... Even if it was without Lukas. He gave Beau hope for a brighter future... He made Beau happy.
"Would it be insensitive of me to ask you to help me burn this place down?" Markos asked as he glanced up from his overflooding luggage. "I hate it here" Markos huffed.
There wasn't much Markos could say about Westwood Asylum. It had helped him, destroyed him, and set him on a new path all at once. Markos never knew what he wanted in life... Everything had been planned out for him from the day he was born. He was to grow up in the public eye, become something great and perfect for the world to adore, and live an extravagant and wealthy life.
Things had taken a turn when he realized he was trans. Days packed with photoshoots, interviews, and constant people in his face became days filled with mindless drinking, obsessive shopping, and being hidden away like he was something to be ashamed of. He had nothing he wanted in life other than a body he didn't always hate... The only thing that never changed was how lonely he was.
Even when he had friends, they never really were his friends. They were just people he was expected to exist around because they were wealthy. And when he was pulled out of the spotlight at fifteen to transition in hiding since his mother was ashamed of him... He had been free, but still lonely. He couldn't make friends with a bunch of drunk strangers in a nightclub. It was to the point where his only friend was the bartender and that was because he spoke fluent Spanish and helped Markos stay as fluent as possible. He also helped Markos when he got too drunk to handle himself...
He hated himself. He hated his body, he hated his attitude, he hated his life. He looked in the mirror and found a million things wrong with him... He would drown out his insecurities with parties, alcohol, shopping and occasionally he'd experiment with different drugs brought in... Mostly just weed. He did everything to forget how useless and pointless his life felt.
Westwood had changed him for the better. He found a career path where he could follow his passion and bring comfort to people like him around the works through literature. He had met someone who made him feel beautiful and loved... Even if he ended up breaking his heart. He had met Beau who he cared for more than the majority of his family. He had befriended Austin and created an enemy named Aiden.
Beau was special to him, like a little brother. He made him feel valued and helpful. He made him feel like he could make a difference and was his biggest supporter when it came to his writing. Beau was the godfather to his plants, his best friend, and his favorite person. He couldn't have asked for a better roommate...
Austin had made Markos more comfortable with himself. There was a lot of pressure to pass as a trans man... To not be feminine and to be as masculine as possible. Toxic masculinity had hit him like a bus as soon as he started passing. But Austin made him feel more comfortable dressing the way he did. He made him feel comfortable wearing jewelry or wearing colors that were traditionally more feminine... Even if Austin could be a complete bitch, Austin was his first friend at Westwood and had been there for him through it all.
And finally, there was Jayce... His heart ached at just the thought of him. But Jayce had given him something he never got. He made him feel valued, beautiful, and loved. He didn't make him feel like less of a man when he found out Markos was trans... He barely even acknowledged it per Markos's request. Jayce was the first person to not give him respect because of money, fame, or just because they were like Beau and gave everyone respect. No... Jayce was the first person's respect Markos ever had to earn. And he had lost him.
Markos loved Jayce... That was undeniable. He was in love with Jayce and had once thought the two would spend the rest of their lives together... He was wrong. He was so fucking wrong. But he didn't want to leave things on a sour note... He just wanted Jayce to be proud of him. He just wanted Jayce to love him and hold him like he had a million times before. He just wanted Jayce Williams... Because he still loved him... And maybe a small part of him always would.
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"Do you intend on packing?" Aiden rolled his eyes as Austin stretched on the floor. The boy was flexible, more flexible than Aiden could even dream to be. Sometimes it hurt Aiden's soul to watch Austin practice his splits or hold his foot above his head like it was nothing.
"Yes," Austin rolled his eyes as he sat up. "Eventually... I already started"
"All you did was sort between yours and Jullian's clothes" Aiden snorted as he stuffed his things into a duffle bag. Aiden didn't have a lot of clothes or belongings so it took him less than thirty minutes to stuff everything into two duffel bags and left it at that.
He wasn't going to miss Westwood... He was going to miss seeing the people every day though. He was going to miss Tai, Beau, Markos (maybe), Austin, Jullian, and Jayce... He was going to miss eating meals with them, harassing teachers with Austin, cuddling at night with Beau, and long conversations or playing basketball with Jullian and Jayce. Normally, he'd say he wasn't saying goodbye... And he wasn't. But he planned to go home this time. He wanted to take a month or so to get to know his mom instead of going home with Beau like he originally planned.
He was going to call Beau every day... To tell him about everything from his mom to the flower he spotted on a walk home. He knew it would be difficult with the constant temptation of drugs from his friends, but he knew he could handle it this time. He knew he could handle anything because he wanted a future with Beau. Beau had changed his life...
For starters, Aiden was done with his addictions. The only things he planned on continuing were marijuana and alcohol... And the alcohol thing would only be on special occasions. He planned on trying to get Edward on the right path too... He knew Roman and Gray were too far gone, but he'd at least try with them. And rekindling his friendship with Olive was something he wanted. He wouldn't have been able to quit without a reason, and Beau was his reason... He wasn't going to let him down again.
And then there was Sebastian... Aiden had been groomed from the age of fourteen to believe that Sebastian loved him. That he wanted what was best for him and liked him for more than just his body. But that was all a lie. Sebastian was a cruel and dangerous man that would hopefully be behind bars by the end of the Summer... And Aiden could finally be free. Sebastian had destroyed his life, Beau had fixed it. And that was only the tip of the iceberg of reasons he loved him.
Aiden had walked into Westwood as an empty little boy trying to escape his past. He was leaving Westwood feeling fulfilled and happy with his life... He was leaving as a brave being who could stand up to anything or anyone. Who finally had a purpose and a goal to look forward to... He finally knew what he wanted and that was to marry Beau someday. He knew that Beau was trying to go to college after the Summer... And Aiden intended on following Beau wherever he chose to go and pick up from there. He'd find a simple job since college wasn't for him. But he'd still be happy...
"I hate packing" Austin groaned. "Can you just shoot me? Please?" Austin ignored Aiden's eye roll and climbed up off of the floor and to his bed. He half-heartedly tossed clothes into his bag, being sure to smuggle in a couple of Jullian's things he hoped he wouldn't miss. Austin didn't have a home to go back to... But he did have a surprisingly nice inheritance from Mark.
With the inheritance, he had worked out a plane ticket to Chicago and had a nice apartment waiting for him alongside a new job... Austin was officially a dance instructor. He was going to have a job teaching obnoxiously straight middle-aged suburban couples to dance. The kind of couples that were on their fourth divorce threat and bought each other experiences. He loved it. He could already taste the drama waiting for him.
Jullian was going to join him soon... He had gotten into a college in Chicago on a scholarship he had gotten his junior year for soccer. Austin hoped that the two of them could make it work because he sure as hell didn't want to go back to his old self. He had arrived at Westwood as a shallow and heartless boy a monster had created. He had never had any friends or anyone he genuinely cared for in his life...
And then he met Jullian. For the first time ever he finally had a reason to want to be a good person. He finally had hope for a better life... He was finally away from that trashy trailer park and was free. He was still terrified of emotional intimacy... Of getting hurt or being rejected... But he trusted Jullian. He trusted Jullian not to hurt him, not to betray him or leave him with any regret... And that much was enough.
He didn't know what the future held for him and he didn't care as long as he was dancing and had Jullian. He knew he wouldn't ever be a genuinely good person, it just wasn't in him. But he could try and be a mediocre person at best. He could try and be a little kinder and a little softer... Then maybe someday he'd have that white-picket-fence life.
He could live in a nice house, with a nice partner whether it be a boyfriend or a husband or something in between. He could shit-talk Becky's lasagna with Carol down the street and strive under the subtle chaos in suburban neighborhoods. Hell, maybe he'd even adopt a kid or two... It all finally seemed possible for the first time since he had arrived at Westwood. Austin wasn't grateful for much, but Westwood had changed his life and he wouldn't give it up for the world.
_________________________________________
The silence was comforting to Jullian. He and Jayce continued to move robotically around one another, occasionally mumbling something the same way they did every morning. Jullian liked it that way. He liked that he and Jayce didn't have to talk much. That they rarely argued or fought besides that one occasion. He couldn't have asked for a better roommate. Jayce was easily his second favorite person there.
Jullian had arrived at Westwood angry, lost, and closed off from the world. He did what he was told and did it perfectly before moving on. He didn't talk to others, he didn't participate in any activities, and he overall lived a robotic routine. All he thought about was Tristan and Sarah and the life he had left back home.
He always assumed he'd grow up, go to some college in California with Sarah, meet some girl he knew his parents would like, and live an easy life. He couldn't have been more wrong. He was going to college in Illinois, more specifically med school. He wanted to be a physical therapist and help young athletes that pushed themselves a little too far, like himself. He wasn't going with Sarah, he was going with an obnoxious white-haired twink that wouldn't stop harassing him in Calculus. He wasn't going to meet a simple, kind, Jewish girl, he had met an extravagant, mean, twink from Alabama. And he loved him.
Jullian never thought he'd ever be with someone because he loved them. He always assumed he'd get married to please his parents and to uphold what was expected of him. He never thought he'd lose Tristan or that he'd feel so alone. He never thought he'd be able to openly date whoever he wanted. He never thought he could be genuinely happy and not just content. Then he met Austin.
Although things had started off badly between them, Jullian was relieved they had worked everything out. It had begun with both boys denying any feelings they had outside of their physical attraction. There was a lot of fighting, a lot of hurt, and a lot of things that should have never been said. But at the end of it all, he had Austin. He had somebody he loved for the first time in his life and that was enough.
He had found comfort in what happened to Tristan while at Westwood. Austin had accidentally bullied him into picking up a soccer ball again, he had met Beau who was easy to talk to about Tristan, and he had stood up to his parents. His mother was accepting of Austin and actually adored the boy more than she liked Jullian. His father, not so much. But Austin had grown on him when he realized that Austin accidentally knew way too much about cars for it to be healthy. That had surprised Jullian. Westwood had made him happy for once... And he never wanted it to stop.
Jayce sighed and sat down on his bed beside his bag. His eyes were heavy and his head was pounding from no sleep. He wanted Markos. He hated that he had to do what he did, but he'd rather end things now than six months down the road screaming at each other. He wanted Markos to be happy... Even if that meant that he couldn't be there. He wasn't going to let him give up so much potential by staying in Washington. He wasn't going to let him give up his dreams of traveling the world... He wasn't going to be the reason Markos felt trapped and miserable.
He swallowed a lump in his throat and laid back on his bed, trying to close his eyes and picture his gorgeous boy. Jayce had more than enough trauma from foster homes, but he always dealt with it quickly and easily. He never dwelled on things, he never took them to heart... Be did that because he knew Mikayla needed him. He knew he was ending things with Markos for the same reason... He should be able to get over it. To focus on Mikayla instead and process everything between them easily. But he couldn't.
Markos hated him for ending things. He hated him for breaking his promise, and maybe Jayce hated himself a little too. But he'd never regret Markos... Not only had Markos helped him realize a lot of things that he had suppressed over the years, but Markos was one of the few people that didn't care. He didn't care that Jayce was a foster kid. He didn't pity him or look down on him... He acted as though Jayce's upbringing was normal and not uncommon which Jayce appreciated.
Markos showed Jayce what it was like to let loose. To enjoy a taste of freedom, to love life for more than just the simple things. To see beauty in everything, even things that weren't necessarily considered beautiful. Markos had been a splash of color in his usual black and white life. He had been an artist that painted the world a prettier shade... Jayce would never be the same after Markos. He would never see things the same or look at things from only one perspective.
He didn't show it, but Markos had changed him for the better. He had made him more open-minded, less practical, and more emotional. Markos was everything beautiful in the world thrown into one person. And Jayce would never stop missing him... Markos would always be his right person, at the wrong time, in the wrong life.
_________________________________________
Markos groaned as he heard giggling from across the room. Aiden was staying over with Beau because Austin and Jullian scared the living hell out of him. Usually, he could tolerate him but today it was different. Today he was getting annoyed and just wanted Jayce. And Markos always got what he wanted. Just not this time.
"Are you okay?" Beau yawned. Markos glanced up from his journal to find the blue-eyed boy peeking up from behind a pillow with a shy smile.
"Mid-life crisis... In the mood to fuck up my life" Markos deadpanned. Beau's eyebrows furrowed together and he slowly nodded as if he understood when Markos knew very well he didn't. Markos sighed and climbed out of bed, ignoring Beau's questioning stare as he left the room. He wasn't going to be one of those pathetic people that crawled back to their ex... Well, not exactly. He was just going to ask to steal Jullian's bed so he felt like less of a third wheel... And because Aiden sucked. Right? Wrong. But he'd tell himself that to spare his ego.
He hesitantly knocked on Jayce's door and debated just running back to his room. He wasn't sure what he'd say or do if Jayce answered... Maybe he'd just ask to stay over. Maybe his anger and hurt would get the better of him... He didn't care. He just wanted to see him. So when the door finally did open and an exhausted curly-haired boy lazily leaned against the door frame, his heart shattered.
"Markos?" Jayce's eyebrows creased together in slight confusion as his eyes landed on his green-eyed boy. Markos looked distraught... Well more distraught than he usually did. If Jayce was being honest he had expected Jullian to have gotten tired of Austin's attitude and retreated back to his own room. The last thing he had expected was Markos... He thought Markos was still angry.
"Hey... So... Um... Well..." Jayce smiled to himself feeling somewhat relieved Markos wasn't there to yell or shove him away again...
"Do you want to come in?"
"Desperately" Markos mumbled as he brought his gaze to the floor. He hesitantly walked in and Jayce shut the door behind him. "Sorry... It's just Beau and Aiden... And I don't like him... And it's crowded and... I missed you and... Ugh"
"It's okay" Jayce gave him a reassuring smile despite not getting much from his statement. It was all too jumbled together without much context... But that was okay because Jayce was just happy to have him.
"I don't want to leave" Markos blurted out. "I hate it here... I hate it so much... But if we leave then I'll have to go back to Europe and you'll still be here..." Markos froze and for a moment Jayce was worried he had talked himself into another spiral of thoughts. It happened often enough and it was almost impossible to tug him back into reality. But Markos didn't freeze up like he usually did, instead, he grabbed Jayce's face and pulled him down for a slow and desperate kiss.
Jayce's heart skipped a beat. His body betrayed his logic and he found himself kissing back... He didn't want Markos to pull away. He didn't want things to end... Even though they had to. Jayce closed his eyes and savored every second of it knowing very well this would be their last kiss. His heart broke a million times over... He couldn't imagine finding somebody that could even compare to Markos. Markos was all he wanted... But he had responsibilities and he wasn't going to let Markos become a bird trapped in a cage. Markos was his bluebird and bluebirds needed to be set free to be truly happy.
"Please don't make me go" Markos whispered as he pulled away. "I don't want that... I- I want you" Jayce's heart shattered as he ran his fingers through Markos's hair. His eyes darted along Markos's face, desperate to memorize each piece of him before Markos left him for good.
"I'm sorry"
Down the hall, in a small dorm room cursing could be heard leaking out of it. Two boys sat on Austin's bed, the first had fluffy white hair, and his blonde roots desperately needed to be redone. He wore a baggy t-shirt and boxers and was curled up closest to the wall. The second was much taller and had gorgeous hazel eyes and a smile that always lingered on his lips around Austin... Despite being annoyed most of the time.
"At least I'm not gay"
"At least I'm actually good at my sport"
"At least I'm not a ballerina" Jullian scoffed as he leaned back against the bed frame, a book he had been trying to read in his hand.
"I'm not- ugh. I'm too tired to yell at you" Austin groaned. Jullian snorted and lightly ruffled Austin's hair until Austin waved him off like a fly. It didn't take long for Austin and Jullian to become exhausted and found themselves wrapped in one another's arms. Jullian smiled to himself as Austin rested his head on his chest. He was just about to fall asleep with a smile on his face before Austin had to ruin it.
"Hey, Jules?" Austin's tired, half-asleep voice poked in.
"I'm not doing this again... Go to bed" Jullian groaned. Austin had a habit of waking up Jullian to ask stupid questions.
"Jullian" Austin repeated and Jullian finally gave in.
"What?"
"I love you too"
Question of the chapter: What do you think the epilogue will be about?
AN//
Holy shit. That was a lot of writing and a lot of work. For anyone concerned as to why I post as often as I do, I'm an insomniac so I'm up 24/7 and writing most of the night and editing during first period. So that's that. Also, I will be posting an epilogue that will conclude where the boys end up in a few months for a special event.
I am considering writing a few bonus chapters as well such as Sarah and Sage's first date and a few others that come to mind! Comment things you'd like to see and I'll do my best to get them to you. Thank you so much for all of the support and reading your comments really is the highlight of my day. I hope you all have a great day/night/mid-life crisis!
Love,
Bean