"Mom, what's wrong with Cassie?"
"Well she hasn't had a great past and that makes her not trust people as easily."
"Is she okay?" This was one of the older boys.
"She will be as long as she's with us. I need everyone here to be nice." Julie told the boys. "She seems to be sensitive to touch and loud noises. Keep an eye on her during school."
I opened my eyes. The sun was just coming up. They were in the kitchen.
They were eating breakfast and talking in hushed voices.
"We will mom."
I slowly sat up. My whole body was sore from the soccer conditioning.
"Cassie, how are you feeling?" Ted asked, walking to me.
"I'm alright,"
"Are you good enough for school?"
"Yeah I'm good," I got up and headed for the stairs.
I went to my room and started getting ready. There was a knock on my door and I opened it. Julie was there.
"I'm not sure you should go to soccer today. You seemed pretty tired yesterday and we would like to talk to you after school," Julie said.
"I won't fall asleep this time please it was so fun, I haven't done it in so long," I begged her.
She thought about it, "Okay fine but we are going to talk, after soccer okay?"
"Okay," I looked down at my hand feeling as if I did something wrong.
What did they want to talk about? About what happened last night? Or maybe they have already decided they don't want me anymore?
I went to school thinking about what the talk was going to be about. The whole day I expected to be pulled out of class. It didn't happen.
The boys tried to act normal, but I could tell that they were... uncomfortable. I don't know if that's the right word, but something was off.
I didn't talk to anyone most of the day. I sat with Rylie and Emma at lunch again and just ate listening to their conversation.
"Hey, why are you so quiet today?" Emma asked.
"I'm tired," I replied.
"Ugh same," she continued talking about the boys she likes.
On my way out of Economics Jacklin "accidentally" pushed me into the door frame. I hit my head hard. It was loud. Everyone around us looked at me. My vision blurred for a second.
I continued to walk out of the class and to biology. I heard Cole called my name, but I didn't want to talk to him or anyone. It was just a bump on the head, I'm not broken.
He caught up to me grabbing my arm. I flinched and he let go quickly.
"Sorry," he said, "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I kept walking toward biology and thankfully he didn't follow.
The last two classes were boring and I got a headache in sixth block which didn't help my mood.
I went to soccer practice and I felt like my body was put on autopilot.
We did the scrimmage again at the end, but my head was killing me.
I asked the coach if I could sit out. I laid down on the grass behind the bench.
During a water break, Adam came over to me.
"Hey, are you not feeling good? We can go home if you want."
"No I'm fine," I said.
"Okay," he said, looking at me with concerned eyes.
The coach blew the whistle and he ran back to the field.
The coach came to me.
"You don't look too good. Do you want to call your parents?"
"No, I'm fine."
"What hurts?" She pushed.
"My head."
"Do you get migraines often?"
"Sometimes," I didn't know how to answer that. I would always get punched or slapped in the head causing many headaches.
"Did you hit your head at all today?"
I thought back to when Jacklin pushed me. It did hurt. "Yeah, I hit my head on the door earlier."
"Ok, can you stand up for me? I just want to make sure you don't have a concussion."
I stood up and she told me to walk in a straight line with my eyes closed.
I lost my balance after the second step.
Then she told me to follow her finger as she moved it. That gave me more of a headache.
"Yeah, I'm going to need to send you home," she said. "According to what we just did you most likely have a concussion. Want to call your parents?"
"No I'm good I can just stay here until the end of practice."
"I would rather you go home. I don't want it to get worse and maybe your parents can take you to the doctor." She said making sure I knew she wasn't going to let me stay.
"Ok, Adam has their numbers," I said. I sat back on the grass and laid down again. My head wasn't getting any better.
Coach called Adam over.
"Cassie says you have her parents' numbers?" I didn't realize this before, but the coach looked a bit confused as to why Adam would have their numbers.
"Yeah, why? Are you sick?"
"She most likely has a concussion."
"I can take her home," Adam said.
"I would rather her parents come and get her,"
"We have the same parents though," Adam said, realizing the coach didn't know.
"I didn't know you had a sister."
"Yeah, she's a new addition to the family," Adam said. "She's our foster sister."
Family. Sister. Parents. Those were nothing I had or am.
"Okay sorry, you can take her home." Coach told him, "Her balance is bad so catch her if she falls."
I got up and we walked back to the locker room to get our stuff. On my way out, I lost my balance and my back hit the counter. I felt the blood go down my back as the big cut had opened back up.
I dropped my bags and fell to the floor.
My back. My head. Robby. Elliot. Kyle. Foster Homes. Pain. Never-ending pain.
One tear dropped down my face. Then another. Then they wouldn't stop. Tears streamed down my face. I cried my eyes out. I heard a knock on the locker room door.
"Cassie, are you ready to go?"
I coughed trying to breathe.
"Cassie?" The door creaked open.
He came into the room.
"Holy shit, you're bleeding," Adam came to my side. There was blood all on the back of my shirt and some on my pants.
"I-I'm f-fine."
He cursed under his breath, "I'm going to get help."
"No! Please no."
"You're bleeding Cassie what the fuck do you mean no?"
"I'm fine," I said more firmly this time.
"No, you're not, stop lying we aren't dumb. You flinch every time someone touches you. You flinch at loud sounds and always think we are going to hit you. You barely talk and always shake nervously. You have nightmares all the time. You're not fine." He ended yelling.
I ran to one of the stalls and locked it.
"Cassie I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell. Come out you're hurt. Just let me help."
"If you hate me so much why won't you just get rid of me already. Send me back."
"Cassie, we don't hate you. I never said that. You need help and we want to help you. But we can't help if you keep shutting us out. Just like what you are doing right now."
"I-I'm not r-ready."
"That's okay for now just open the door and let me help you physically."
That wasn't going to happen. More tears started to form in my eyes. He wasn't going to let me go. He was going to tell everyone.
"N-no."
"Fine, here you go," he pushed my soccer bag under the stall door, "I'll be right back."
He came back with the medkit and put that under the door.
I cleaned up my back and bandaged it. Then I changed.
I opened the stall door.
"Please don't tell anyone," I begged Adam.
He looked at me straight in the eyes which made me look down.
"I won't but if anything happens again at least tell Julie."
"Okay," I said. Thank the Lord.
We walked to the car and I tripped over the curb. Adam caught me. He didn't say anything and we kept walking.
We got in the car and I felt the need to cry again. What is wrong with me? I haven't cried this much since Kyle. Tears formed in my eyes and I tried to blink them away.
I brought my knees to my eyes and cried. I felt so weak so small. Adam was just there driving as I sat crying. He didn't say anything or touch me which was all I needed. I just need to be alone.
My head and back hurt so bad.
We finally got to the house. I had stopped crying about five minutes ago. I'm sure my eyes were red.
Adam took all of our bags. It actually made me smile. He had one on his back, one in front, and one in each hand.
We went inside and I went straight to my room. Adam followed and came in.
"I do have to tell them about the concussion though," he said, dropping my bags.
"Okay."
He walked downstairs. I heard him talking to Ted and Julie. I quickly ran to the bathroom and took three painkillers.
They didn't come up. I went to the study and read a book.
Ted and Julie came in about an hour later.
"Cassie, how are you feeling?" Ted said. He sat on the office chair at the desk and wheeled it in front of me and Julie sat next to me on the couch.
"I-I'm okay," I didn't like being cornered by them.
"We heard there's a girl named Jacklin at school who isn't nice to you."
I nodded.
"We are going to call the school about that," Ted said.
"What why?" I said, shocked.
"She gave you a concussion, didn't she?"
"Yeah, but I was just clumsy. I'll watch out for her in the future."
"Dear, you shouldn't have to watch out for people," Julie said, "We will be calling the school."
"Okay."
"Next thing we would like to talk to you about is your mental health."
My mental health?
"You seem to flinch or jump when people are around you." Julie told me, "We want you to be and feel safe. No one in this house will ever hurt you."
"Never on purpose, the boys can be rough sometimes but they're boys what can you expect." Ted smiled.
"You are safe."
Safe. I'll be the judge of that.
There was silence.
"Now what about these nightmares you have?" Julie asked.
"It's nothing."
"You need to stop saying it's fine or it's nothing when it's not," Ted demanded.
"These nightmares don't look like nothing," Julie said, "You looked terrified last night. It breaks my heart to see you like that."
"I've always had them. It's normal."
Ted sighed. I had basically just said it's fine again.
"That shouldn't be normal." Ted said, "I think you need to see a therapist."
Julie shot him a look, but he looked right back at her.
Julie sighed, "These problems or fears need to be taken care of. You can't live your life scared. We are here to help and we believe a therapist would help you overcome your past."
"I don't want a therapist," I told them.
"You don't have to answer now, but know that the offer will always be on the table, okay?" Ted said.
"Okay."
"Cassie we love you." Julie's eyes turned glassy. "Ever since we met you, we don't want you to suffer any more than you already have. You are our family, okay?"
I nodded.
They stood up.
"Dinner will be soon," Ted said walking out.
Did they just tell me that they loved me? What a load of crap. That would never happen. Look at my past; All I am is unlucky. I am not falling for that trick.
But there's still a little piece of me that wants it and believes it could be true.
That piece of me is dumb.
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Published:3/22/21