"Smile because it confuses people. Smile, because it's easier than explaining what is killing you inside," - The Joker
*Trigger Warning
It is finally winter break at the academy. 3 weeks of not having school. This is the best information I have gotten recently. However, I never go home during winter break. I always stay on campus to continue writing the book I hope to publish soon.
Luna always leaves me which is fine. I understand she wants to go visit her parents. But I have nothing left back home, nothing I want to go over again.
But this time is different. I am forced to go back home. My younger brother has gotten sick and my aunt wants me to go visit him since he has been asking a lot for me.
Of course, I am going to visit him. I really do miss him.
"Text me when you get home and tell me how your break is going okay," Luna tells me as she carries her luggage outside the door.
"Yes don't worry about me I will be fine," I say while hugging her.
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I finished packing all of my luggage onto my car when Blake scared me from behind.
"When are you coming back?" Blake asks
"I'm not sure. When you are coming back?" I now ask.
"I will be gone the whole break. I have some meetings to attend back home so I might be busy but never for you. So text me, call me whatever you want okay. I will miss you," Blake says.
"I'll miss you more," I say.
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Being home after all this time is extremely strange. I am happy I will see my siblings again but being back brings me so many memories I wish to forget. You see me and my mother never had a good relationship. I guess with her conditions it is hard to form one. But I grew up too soon. I wasn't given the chance to enjoy life as much as I wanted.
My aunt said she would bring my siblings to my mother's house so I can spend some time with them.
I knocked on the door waiting with my luggage.
"Rose it is so nice to see you again after all this time," my aunt says as she hugs me.
"It is nice to see you too aunt," I say as I step inside the house.
"You look so different my dear, have you been eating you seem to have lost a lot of weight," she says
"I have been eating, maybe it is just the stress from school," I say.
"Well your mother is in an extremely happy mood and she made food that can last a whole month," my aunt says exaggerating.
"Where is my brother? Is he feeling better?" I ask
"He is in the living room. The doctor gave him some medication and he is feeling better," she says.
"Tell me again what happened," I say
"He had an allergic reaction and his throat began to close making it hard for him to breathe," she says.
I walked to this living room seeing both of my siblings watching tv.
"Rose!" both of them scream as they hug me.
"Hi. I missed you both," I say
"We did too," says my older brother.
"How are you feeling pumpkin," I say.
"Better I am taking medicine," he says
"That's good I am glad," I say
"Rose come to the kitchen," my mother yells.
As I stepped into the kitchen my mother had a big smile plastered on her face. It was something I was not used to since the way I remember her was not as happy as she looked now. She lost an extreme amount of weight and had eye bags under her eyes. Her lips looked chapped and her hair looked more gray.
"Hi mom," I say
"My beautiful daughter came to give me a hug," she says as I move closer to hug her.
She smelled exactly as I remembered.
"Hi Rose how have you been," my father says as he steps into the kitchen.
"Father Hi. I have been good, school has been stressful and tiring but I am hanging on," I say as I hug him.
"I'm glad you are working toward your goals," he says
Well, all sit down at the table and begin to eat.
Everything looked fine. We all looked like one big happy family. But I was only here for my siblings, the only reason I would ever come back. Everyone was chatting around the table while I observed everyone.
My siblings looked happy, they kept asking me tons of questions about school. My aunt began telling me stories about my brothers and how they have been doing extremely well in school. My dad didn't talk much which was typical of him. He just made sure my mother ate properly. And my mother looked happy as well. It was all strange.
After dinner, we all decided to watch a movie together since it was getting late and my brothers didn't want to leave just yet.
Halfway through the movie my mother left the living room and went up to her bedroom. After she left I couldn't concentrate on the movie anymore. My siblings and my aunt looked like they were enjoying the movie but my dad looked worried. I then decided to go up to the room and check on my mom.
As I opened my mom's door to her bedroom I saw she was laying down in her bed. She didn't have a blanket on and was just staring up at the ceiling.
"Mother did you take your medication," I say remembering she always skips her medication.
There was no answer. She just laid there on the bed not even moving.
I moved closer and sat down next to her on the bed.
"Mom did you take your medication," I repeat.
She still didn't answer so I went to check her drawers and give her the medication I am sure she skipped. I found the pills I was looking for and grabbed a water bottle from her purse.
"Here mom drinks the pill," I say.
She sat up and I believed she was going to take the pill when she threw the bottle across the room.
"Mom, you know if you don't take the medication we are going to have to send you to the hospital," I tell her.
"I don't care, I just want everything to be over," she says.
"Mom please don't have that mindset," I say remembering how it was when I was younger having to deal with her suicidal thoughts and making sure to hide everything sharp in the house.
"I am going to do it, Rose. I will be out of everyone's way," she says.
"Don't say that you are not a burden, all we want to do is help. Do it for my brothers," I say
"I don't care about them," she says.
"I know you don't mean it," I say
"I don't want to see you anymore. Go back to school and never come back. All you guys ever do is disappoint me," she says as she lays down on the bed again.
I left the room not wanting to argue anymore. I went to the restroom and let out the cry my throat was in a hurry to release. I know it's hard for her some days but I wish she took initiative to get better for us. I wish she would be able to take her medication.
When I was younger I was always bugging her to take them but she would always throw them away when I would go to sleep. One day she lay on the floor bleeding out unconscious. I was alone at that time. My siblings were not home and my father was working as always. I was left alone with my mother on the ground.
I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was a rainy day and I remember running out to my neighbor's house screaming for help. I was soaked and when the ambulance came I couldn't step inside the house. The images of the body on the floor couldn't leave my mind. I sat there on a corner of the bathroom letting everything I have been keeping inside, out.
I tried not to be loud but the tears kept coming. I did the only thing that came to mind.
I called Blake.
Blake
Hi, baby what's up.
I didn't say anything. I just let the tears fill the silence.
Blake
What happened. Talk to me.
"Just complicated things at home," I say
Blake
Breathe in and out. Imagine I was there hugging you. I love you and you are the greatest blessing life has given me. I am sorry you are going through whatever you are but you are strong and will get through this. I wish I was as strong as you. Let it all out I am here for you always.
I didn't say anything and I didn't have to. We just stayed silent letting me know I was not alone.
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Dear Diary,
I wish I was a reason for her to want to stay.
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