[TW: Mentions of violence, pain, and abuse]
[NOTE: Cadets enroll in the Cadet Corps as 16 year olds]
[Read at your own discretion]
YEAR 847~
The environment I was in felt hazy and weird.
Kind of like a blurring reality, seeping in and out through the pores of time. There didn't seem to be anything keeping me here, but there certainly wasn't anything for me to return to━ wait. Why do I feel the need to return somewhere? What is beckoning for me to leave?
All of a sudden, the fogginess that had clouded my vision began to dissipate, leaving me to finally understand my surroundings. I was on the second floor of a dark and oaken barn, it seemed. There was light pouring in from the many windows, illuminating the floor with hues of deep pinks, purples and blues. There were bright white lines extending in every direction in the sky, appearing to be parallels to the heavens, or at least what my feeble mind's conjured image of heaven would be. It was truly a beautiful sight.
I kept my glance out and through the windows in awe, my mouth slightly hanging agape. There was pure wonder in my eyes, not having seen something this tranquil and effortless in a long time.
I only wish I could live in this moment forever, was the sole thought running through my brain. The earlier thought of leaving no longer nagged my conscious. I felt at home. There was nowhere to go, just time.
I began to sit down on the floor, taking the time to admire my clothing, not having noticed it before. It was a long flowy white dress, with a crumbly texture to it. I ran my hands up and down the foreign fabric, trying to understand it.
I then realized that my hands━ they were smooth. Perfectly moisturized and healthy, completely free of the scars that have marked my body. My fingernails are clean, and I can't help but notice the even tone of my skin. Usually it's splotchy, or doused with marks of war. There was no blood, no tears; not even a single drop of pain remained. It was like I had been purified of the lie I had been living.
Curious to see if my other scars had vanished as well, I examined my legs and arms. They were blemish free━ the only discoloration upon them were my dark freckles.
So, this is what it's like to be pure, I thought to myself. Reminiscing on my old body would only bring me pain and somber reminders of the past I could not even remember.
If- If my legs and arms are free of the marks, does that mean that the scar that tore my face had faded from existence too?
I reached my hands up to my face, hoping to find nothing but smooth skin, but the moment my hands touched the surface, I could feel the scar that beckoned from my forehead to my cheek, narrowly avoiding my eye. I was still tainted. Tainted by what they had done to me, tainted by the world. I could no longer pay any mind to the beautiful scenery around me. There was only the pain and sorrow that accompanied this scar, the dagger in which had graced my skin with it was merely long gone.
I began to sob, trembling at the feeling beneath my fingers. Why did it still have to be there, why couldn't it have gone away too? I ran my hands through my hair, eventually using them to hold my head up while I cried. I closed my eyes in defeat, not wanting to see the body that I was predetermined and destined to inhabit.
There were sharp pains along my arms and legs again, as if all of my wounds were reopening. Silent tears dropped from my eyes as I opened them, revealing the worst curse of all.
All of my scars were back, and I was reliving the agony in which I had received them.
Sharp and dull knives-
Metal needles-
Shocks of white hot pain, only leaving marks in their wake-
Burning fires-
I could still hear their voices in my ears. The vile things they would say to me.
I just wanted to block it out, the noises, the pain, the intense agony my soul was enduring.
How could I have ever believed that this place would be safe for me? How could I ever have believed that I could feel peace and tranquility again?
I should have tried to leave. I should've left.
I began shaking, uncontrollably, out of fear and terror. The water flowing from my eyes never ceases in its path, not once.
Unexpectedly, without a hint of its nature coming to pass, the pain subsided, and the noises and words of my past no longer echoed around me.
I stood up, concerned for what would happen to me next, when I saw a young girl on the other side of the barn, looking out a window. She was trembling in her stance, and even from such a distance, I could tell her breathing was uneven, probably close to hyperventilation.
Her eyes turned around to meet mine, and she looked as though she had been crying for years. The breaths she drew in were faltering, and wavering. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she looked tired.
I felt like I knew her. She had puffy black hair, and although it was a tangled mess, it really suited her. Her eyes seemed to be gray, but I could've been entirely wrong due to the egregious amount of red that had placed itself over her sclera and corrupted it. The bags under her eyes didn't seem to be from simple exhaustion, or lack of sleep, but rather the demeaning nature of her life. The tired stance she held was garnered by a white flowy dress, similar to mine. If it were under different circumstances, I would've called her beautiful.
While taking a break to sniffle, she pointed outside the window.
"The end," her voice broke momentarily, trying to keep whatever strength she had so she could pour it into these words, "This- This is the end."
I furrowed my brows in response, before looking outside. There was a massive explosion, and the cloud of debris and force seemed as though it would reach us any second, flattening the entire barn around us and ourselves.
How had I not noticed before? How had I not noticed that this is where I would die? How do I fit into this matrix of a world? Do I ever get to feel fulfilled? Even once?
Slowly, tears began to stream down my face. Not from agony, not from the deafening calls of the sick and twisted who had preyed upon me, but rather from the crushing feeling in my stomach. I wasn't ready to die, not here, not like this.
Something was drawing me towards the girl. I hadn't the slightest clue who she was, but if this was the end, then comfort isn't easy to come by. To be held one last time, to feel the love from another even though we may be moments from death, it could satiate me.
I think that release would be okay. My life wasn't lived the way I had ever wanted to experience it, but maybe this fleeting moment of comfort could take away all the premonitions I had had about life, and I could die simply; with tears in my eyes from joy, rather than sorrow.
That would be enough.
I scrambled to start running towards her, each step I took pounding the floor.
She stayed still, lacking the energy to displace herself in such a manner, but she didn't seem to reject my advances. I was grateful.
My footing slipped out from under me for a split second, causing me to tumble to the floor, and the gap between me and the girl only seemed to grow exponentially. I struggled to push myself back up, only feeling weaker and weaker with each passing second.
My bones ached, my muscles just pleaded for a moment of rest.
The storm cloud was rapidly advancing. There was no avoiding it.
I was finally able to devote enough strength to my limbs in order to get up.
I started running towards the girl again, each step feeling heavier than the last. She was so far away, she had just been so close to me. Why- why can't I reach her?
Tears began to aggressively flow from my eyes, a buildup of stress, pain, and emotional weight ultimately crashing upon me.
I sobbed out loud, mid-step, my voice cracking and breaking in half. I just wanted to hold her and be with her in our final moments. I just wanted her comfort.
Why am I being denied a good end?
She started to say something again, fresh tears also welling up in her eyes. A small smile began to form on her face, a smile of acceptance, a smile of defeat. She held a glimpse of hope in her eyes, as if she knew I wouldn't be able to reach her, but she'd be satisfied that the effort had occurred in the end.
"I'll always love you Josephi━"
And then it all went black. I just didn't make it to her in time.
*****
My eyes shot open from my slumber in a gasp, heavily breathing, just a few moments before my alarm went off.
I was paralyzed in shock and fear, but from what origin, I did not know.
I could feel my heart, pattering in and out. It felt like it was consuming me. With each pulse, my entire body would radiate in uncontrollable agony. I was frozen, a slave to my own heartbeat. I couldn't hear anything, but I knew my alarm was going off at the same time.
My face started to feel numb, almost as if the life within me was slowly being sucked out, and into the abyss. I could no longer tell if I was breathing or not.
Another pulse. My eyes laid glued to the ceiling, unable to move. I was being rendered completely useless, a mere slave to my own body.
Another pulse. Fear started to drown what little conscious I had left. There was no way out.
Another pulse. My throat began to tighten, constricting upon itself as if the rope of a god was determined to drag me down to my place in Hell. There was no feeling of the motion of air dipping in and out of my lungs, no feeling of it drafting past my open mouth━ had the rope succeeded?
Another pulse.
"Josephine," an unidentified voice to my right whispered raspily into my ear.
Another pulse.
"Josephine," the same voice exclaimed, more aggressive this time. The voice was getting closer to me than it was before, and nonetheless it possessed a certain sense of urgency, as if it was trying to salvage what little time I had left.
Another pulse.
"Josephine!" screamed the voice, feeling like it was a mere centimeter from my right ear. It echoed around in my head for a few seconds, before halting.
It was eerily silent. As much as I had craved the silence in the moments prior, being hit with it felt much different. It wasn't relief, it was fear. Fear of what would come next; fear of what terror would strike me now. The fear sent shocks and tingles throughout my whole body, until I was finally able to move.
I had never been more thankful for the simple mobility of my limbs. I twitched my fingers and toes back and forth, gaining a semblance of security in my own body. Though they moved and were in my full control, something about them felt off.
Suddenly, the alarm clock's ringing came back into focus.
I took a few moments to breathe and calm down, finally feeling okay enough to move more, in order to end the blaring noise that resided next to my bed.
Looking around the dorm, I could tell that none of the other girls had awoken yet. The brunette with the intense food cravings was half off her bed, her head upside down, and mouth wide open. There was a tad bit of drool hanging out of her agape mouth.
The reserved black-haired girl was curled into a tight ball, the blankets enveloping her entire body except for her head. I could see a burgundy scarf peaking through the blankets, in which one end was being held daintily by one of her hands. She looked calm at rest. Very different from her typical glaring demeanor.
One of the two blondes in the room was holding her pillow like a stuffed animal, her eyes closed very delicately. She managed to look absolutely ethereal, even without needing to be awake. She definitely had qualities I, myself, envied. She was kind and compassionate, something I never found easily attainable for myself. Resorting to bluntness and counters were my only conversation tools, and I hated that about myself.
The tall, freckled girl, in which many people had mistaken me for, and vice versa, was laying on her stomach, her arms holding the pillow she laid her head on.
The one girl who always had her hair in two pigtails, was laying on her side, her bunk facing mine. Her one pigtail had fallen out though, creating a half up, half down look. As stupid as it seemed, she would look good with her hair down.
The second blonde was hidden completely under her blanket, the covers pulled up past her face and tucked behind her head. I honestly would've forgotten she was there, had she not been the only one awake when I went to sleep last night.
A smile couldn't help but appear on my face, driven by the contrasting nature of all these people in their most vulnerable states. Some were guarded, even in their sleep, and some expressed their altruism, without even needing words or actions to yield this.
There existed quiet slumbering noises, and a sense of tranquility and peace.
I haven't felt this way in a while━
Where did that voice come from- the one that awoke me from my trance?
Was that real?
Was that all in my head?
I shook my head again, trying to grasp at the straws of who could've possibly said my name, and awoken me from that suffocation. Perhaps somebody was awake, and removed me from my conviction. Feeling the ghost of the whisper that had placed itself upon my right ear, instinctively made me jolt my head to the right.
But to my surprise, there was only empty space. An empty wall, and mere empty air.
I shuttered my eyes closed for a second before reopening them. I stood up to stretch, feeling as though I was missing something━ not just from my dream last night, but also from the strange paralysis that had overtaken me moments before. I tried to put the pieces together of what had happened, but nothing made sense, and eventually, it all faded completely from memory.
To my surprise, a few tears ran down my cheeks. I furrowed my brow at what could only be the result of weeping, feeling confused.
I brought my thumbs up to my cheeks and wiped away the tears, feeling my scar underneath my right hand as it graced the skin.
I shook my head to snap myself out of it, and completely disregarded them and all the strange things that happened to me this morning.
It only reminded me of the Hell that I had gone through the past five years of my life. I was only just ten━ I was just a kid━
My breathing began to draw more rapidly, again and again, until I was able to focus in on the clock sitting on my nightstand, whirring me back to reality. It was 5:37 a.m.━ and I still had to get ready for training with Bert, Reiner and Eren.
I reluctantly grabbed my change of clothes for the day, still feeling the need to understand everything that had just happened to me, and headed to the showers. I knew I needed to suppress it in order to be able to function today, but something told me it wouldn't be that simple.
*****
"Give it a break." I huffed out.
"Eren, if you keep going like this, you'll just end up with a concussion so bad, you won't even be able to stand straight, let alone balance from swinging fucking wires."
I was in disbelief that Eren still had the stamina to keep going, even after repeatedly, repeatedly, hitting his head.
He sat on the ground, his arms lightly wrapping around his knees, almost hugging them into him. The bandages on his head had already grown murky and red, due to the quantity of blood and dirt that had absorbed its way into the cloth, seeping out now from the sheer amount held by it.
I gave Reiner and Bertholdt a look that said he's honestly hopeless.
The look I received back from them denoted that they agreed with me, but nonetheless, I knew that Eren's try hard persona wasn't going to allow him to give up so easily.
"Look, I know," Eren stated, reluctantly, staring at the ground where his head had made contact so many times, a tiny ditch beginning to form, "You guys can leave if you want. I'm not going to force you to stay here and help someone who's clearly not getting any progress."
He looked away from the dirt, and into my eyes. We held eye contact for a fleeting moment, before he looked away again. He picked up a small rock besides him, beginning to examine it.
"I've already bothered you guys enough," he quietly exclaimed, hoping that no one heard.
It didn't seem like Reiner nor Bertholdt had heard him, but I did.
"Hey, Bert, Reiner," I began, "I know you guys are hungry, and need to train on your own. Just go, I'll catch up with you guys later," I finished, smiling at the duo. They honestly looked thankful to be taken away from simply watching Eren beat himself up mentally and physically.
I watched as they waved off to the two of us, slowly turning around and walking away.
Once they were out of earshot, I looked to Eren, "I'm only repaying you by doing this because I was an unwarranted dick to you last night━" I stopped, after seeing the hope in his eyes, quickly interjecting with "Not that I regret anything I said━"
Eren's face began to have a glimmer of anger behind his expression, but he was doing a good job to hide it. However, not a good enough job.
"As much as we may not get along, I don't hate you enough to block you from your elaborate dreams of cutesy suicide and being eaten. If that's what's gonna get you through this meaningless life, who am I to hinder you on that?" I stated, plainly looking into the distance as I sat down, a comfortable distance from Eren's form.
He looked down a bit, then chuckled, "Yeah you're right. You were a dick."
I closed my eyes then reopened them wide, raising my eyebrows in sync. "Is that really all you got out of what I just said?"
"It was the only part I was really listening to, actually. Everything else afterwards just got tuned out," he began, but upon seeing the look on my face, he swiftly added an "I'm just kidding."
A small smile began to spread across my face, his dork-ish behavior beginning to grow on me.
I stared off into the distance for a few minutes, observing the forests that surrounded the training camp, and just inhaling the sweet autumn scent.
Eren noticed what I was doing apparently, and joined in by peering at the scenery as well.
Sitting in silence felt like the only way Eren and I would ever truly get along, and it was honestly disappointing. He's an interesting guy, with plenty of drive, enough to get him killed.
At least he'd be someone fun to be around as the world crumbles to pieces in front of my own eyes; with a touch of analyzing the very little knowledge I had on him, I knew he'd probably be the cause of it.
That sense of fire in his eyes, that decrepit smile that would creep onto his face━ it was truly terrifying. Yet, I wanted him to be around for the long run. Just another soulless entity to understand, and another face to memorize━ yes━ but his rash decisions contrasted my entire life, and brought about something different within me.
"Well, I can't needlessly degrade you for three years if you don't pass this test, so let's get to work," I sighed.
His eyes beamed at me for a split second, showing gratitude, but then the flames behind his irises quickly converged into rage and ferocity, "You won't be discrediting me when I rid this world of titans, Denman."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever, just get strapped up again idiot," I retorted, running my hand through my hair out of distress, the aforementioned dream still haunting my waking thoughts.
Whose voice was that?
I genuinely couldn't even remember the sound of it now, and either way, identifying it would probably only bring me more egregious tasks and disruptive absentmindedness.
"All right, I'm hooked up again," Eren suddenly announced, breaking my train of thought, distracting me from the inkling on my shoulders━ leaving me with a mere feeling of incompleteness.
"Okay, so," I began, "I know you've heard us say this plenty of times, but utilize your core. It'll bring you the most stability throughout your entire body-"
Eren cut me off, "That's all you've said to me today, how the hell is that supposed to be any help! It's just white noise at this point!"
I glared at him, "Maybe if you don't fucking interrupt me, and stop whining like a little bitch, then you'll actually learn something."
His eyes widened, finally understanding that I was actually there to help, not just get in the way of his precious practice time.
"So, like I was saying, stabilizing your core is key, because then you can allow your legs to loosen up. Once they're looser, they make less muscle spasms and thus do less to upset your balance."
He nodded, and it was visible to me that he was trying to piece together what I had informed him in his head so that he could apply it. I appreciated that.
"Now, I'm going to lift you up, but only a little bit. So that way, if you fall, it won't hurt as bad, or maybe you'll have time to brace yourself with your arms."
His eyes gave me confirmation to go ahead with this, although he was reluctant because I didn't tell him that much.
I walked over to the metal crank, and began to turn it; periodically glancing over at Eren's feet to ensure that he wasn't too high or too low.
"There we go, that's about the right height," I muttered under my breath, hastily walking over in front of him, placing my hands on his shoulders before he had time to descend on his own.
"Now, I can catch you if you fall, okay?"
"Yea- Uh- Yeah that sounds good," He stuttered out, confusing me a bit, a panicked look seeping into his eyes.
"You've got to use your core man━ Did you not listen this time too?" My eyes dropped, looking more dead inside by the minute.
"Like I said, Denman, I don't really know what you mean or even how to do that," he retorted.
"Flex your abs, dumbass," I gave him a look that said do you really not fucking understand- this is beyond simple-
He gulped in response, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down.
"You-" I began, "You do know how to flex a muscle right━ I mean surely you've done that before," I stared at him in disbelief.
"I have!" He responded, quite snappily.
"Then what's the problem right now?" I asked, in a monotone voice.
His face rapidly became panicked, "I-"
I suddenly released his shoulders from my grip, which even though I thought it would be a good idea, it severely backfired.
He wasn't ready in the slightest to be let go of, and started to accelerate to the floor.
In a flash, I reached my arms up to break his fall and catch him, paying no mind to where I had placed my hands. I completely broke his fall, and was the sole thing holding up his sturdy build. He tensed under my touch, trying to regain stability on his own.
"I- I shouldn't have done that," I sighed out.
A low, quiet and muffled "sorry" escaped my lips as I momentarily pressed my eyes shut.
Upon opening my eyes, I saw that Eren's face began to glow a bright red, and he tried to form sentences, to no avail. His eyes were looking around like crazy━ he seemed to have been bewildered.
Had the sudden fall really confused him that much? Had he been surprised that I actually found it in me to say a simple sorry?
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion, then looked down to see where my hands had been placed.
They were pressing hard onto his abdomen, the right one above his shirt, and the left one under his shirt, feeling the bare skin underneath. His shirt must've flown up a bit as he fell, leaving a path for my hand to accidentally wind up on his skin.
I really didn't want to make the poor kid too uncomfortable, so I slowly moved my left hand over his shirt and more onto his ribcage, and my right hand remained in its place. My arms were flexing to hold him up, and my fingers were tensing upon his touch. I was basically supporting all of his body weight, due to his inability to stabilize himself. He was definitely more built than I thought he would be, and I could feel the light outline of his abs through his olive green shirt.
Our faces were very, very close to each other, the look of panic in his eyes beginning to subside, and was replaced with a more perplexed twitch. I could almost feel his hot breath on my cheeks.
I hadn't paid attention to his features before then, but shit, he was pretty.
His nose was perfectly defined, his skin was beautifully dewy. Even with the blood and dirt that had been so precariously placed upon his skin, he managed to look good. And his eyes━ holy fuck━ his eyes glimmered like an endless lake, the water lapping back and forth for eternity. The dark outer rim was based and raised like mountains, surrounding the teal and green valleys with overcast hues. The contrast in their existence begged for a deeper look, as if turning away would break me.
Snapping my head out of the intrusive thoughts that were beginning to corrupt it, I began to speak, "Now flex your abs, damnit, or do you really want to eat shit again? Especially in front of Instructor Shadis?" My voice came out as completely monotonal, with the gesture that I was not bothered by how close we were.
"Wh- What are you doing?" He stammered out.
"Making sure your abs are actually flexed this time, so that way when I let go of you, you don't eat complete shit."
He took a deep breath, and on the exhale, he flexed his abs, giving his upper body complete stability.
"See, Eren, now that your core is being put to use, your legs can be more relaxed. Earlier, you were more focused on flexing your legs and thighs as a means of balance."
"Thanks for the reminder," His sentence beginning to trail off, "I guess..."
"Now that your abs are being put to use, shift your weight between your hips until you find the perfect spot. You'll know when you've found it," he nodded in confirmation, "Then, you'll finally be able to not eat shit!" I added with a sarcastic smile.
He merely just scowled at me for a second, then began to slightly squirm, testing out the waters with his balance. This went on for about a minute or so, with total concentration glazing over his eyes. Feeling him rapidly shifting his weight back and forth was only hindering his progress.
"Eren, you've got to be slower and calm down," I started, "You'll never find the right spot if you're trying to act like a damn wind turbine."
"Oh-"
He rolled back his amount of motion, and began to be more delicate and precise with his movements. I could see the flicker in his eyes when he would do something right━ and the flash of anger when he lost what little progress he had made.
Slowly, his writhing came to a halt, as he had zeroed in on the one spot in which he would be able to maintain his balance with. Internally, I did feel a little pride for the guy.
"It's easier now, to balance, isn't it?"
He let out a sigh, and in one fell breath, he muttered out "It's definitely easier to balance now, yeah."
I nodded my head back and forth in protest to his complaints, "So if I let go of you now, will you be alright without me to stabilize you?"
"Yeah━ Yeah I think so," He said, the confidence in his voice slightly wavering.
"Good, because I honestly don't want to have to hold you and coddle you again."
My eyes met his, and he could tell that I was being dead serious. He gulped out of nervousness once again, and I internally laughed.
"Okay, I'm going to let go in three... two... one..."
Just as my hands were about to leave his abdomen, a certain light-brown haired teen began to speak.
"Damn Ymir, didn't know you were getting cozy with the suicidal maniac," he said, a sly chuckle creeping onto his face.
"My name's not Ymir. We don't even look alike." I glared at him, removing my hands from Eren's chest and waist, and then crossing them over each other.
To my surprise, Eren actually stayed balanced, a joyful look becoming plastered across his face.
"Yeah, yeah I know, I'm just messing with you━ Look, anyways, Bertholdt was getting worried about you, so I went to look for you," He shrugged.
"Oh- Uh- Thanks. And your name is...?" I asked, trailing off at the end because I had never learned it in the first place.
"Jean, Jean Kirstein."
I nodded my head at him.
"Josephine Denman," I stated, not breaking eye contact, "Look, tell Bert that I'll be in in a few, okay?"
Kirstein merely nodded his head in agreement, and walked away, in the direction of the dining hall. His hair bounced a little in the breeze, and he no longer possessed the same selfish aura that protruded out of him the other night.
His long rant towards Eren about living the good life as an MP sickened me to my core. Was he truly that daft to believe that a life worth living was one of comfort━ at the expense of others? He'd just end up as an idiotic bastard with nothing left to show for his life, except a beer belly and regret that he didn't do more when he could've. His morals truly disgusted me.
As I averted my gaze back to Eren, I gazed upon him balancing wonderfully, with a wide grin on his face. He was clearly proud of his achievements.
"See? That's what happens when you actually listen for once," I declared, a small huff coming out of my chest shortly after.
I heard him mumble and groan a bit, but nothing was truly audible.
"And now you can progress to the next level, moving past another meaningless obstacle. Good job, dipshit," I asserted, walking back over to the crank to allow him to be lowered back onto the ground.
Unfortunately, just as I began to lower him down again, he ultimately lost his balance, and fell over again, hitting the ground with a hard thud.
Maybe he wasn't going to pass.
*****
After unhooking Eren from the ODM gear, I quickly walked back to the dining hall.
Upon opening the door, I saw Bertholdt, Reiner, and a few others all sitting together. I took a deep breath in order to mentally prepare myself for new introductions, and knowing Reiner, he was probably fast friends with everyone at the table already.
As I walked closer, Bert's eyes met mine, and he gave me a warm smile.
"Hey Jo, the food's starting to get cold. I didn't want you to not eat anything, so I made sure I grabbed you a plate," He said, in a very calm and hushed voice, knowing that I was probably overwhelmed at the time. He always knew how to read me, and anticipate for how I'd react. I'm thankful for that.
He patted the spot next to the right of him, indicating for me to sit down, placing me between him and Reiner. I put my left hand on his shoulder as I sat down, and nodded to him in thanks.
Sitting across from me was Jean Kirstein, yet again.
To his left was a short, scrawny boy with a gray, shaved head. His hazel eyes were full of life and excitement, something of which my eyes never possess. He had a toothy grin placed upon his face, and he was deep in thought as he rambled on to the girl next to him.
She was the girl this morning who was half out of her bed, drool dripping down her face. Currently though, she was eating ravenously and devouring everything she could, and even that which she could not eat, she was definitely plotting on how to steal it. I'll admit, it was funny. The loose pieces she had left out from her ponytail were dusted in crumbs and pieces of potato, but ignoring that, her hair was a very beautiful chocolate brown color.
She was listening very intently to the bald boy, but even so, her main focus was still the food in front of her. Interesting.
To Kirstein's right, there was a taller boy with black, fluffy hair, who retained a kind look upon his face. His cheeks were dotted with freckles, and he was just gently holding his utensils while eating in a refined matter, probably disturbed by the ravenous acts of the brunette on his far left. His dark brown eyes were littered with compassion, and I could tell his intentions with every single task he'd ever do━ would be pure.
Much farther down to the right of Jean and the freckled-boy, there sat two people. One with medium length blonde hair, and the other with black hair. I recognized them to be Eren's friends, Armin and Mikasa, of which he was ignoring last night. Hopefully, he'd go sit with them and actually apologize, but I doubt that he has it in him to sabotage his own pride and admit he was wrong.
Wanting to shake Eren from my head, I peered around Reiner to my right and saw two girls. One of them being Ymir, who people couldn't stop interchanging me with. It's becoming frustrating. She was deep in conversation with the other, a blonde girl with kind eyes and a good soul.
On initiation night, I saw her sneak food out for the brunette, who had been forced to run laps for eating during instruction. I had, coincidentally, watched from the balcony that night, as I saw Ymir follow her out as well. Their conversation was out of earshot, but from the look upon the brunette's face, she was beyond grateful.
My eyes met with my plate, and I grabbed a piece of bread and began to eat it. The brunette's eyes no longer followed the bald kid's words, but rather the path of the bread and its trajectory. She made eye contact with me, and my stern expression made her yelp a bit, before sinking back into her chair. She had certainly asked Bert if she could have the food in my absence.
Finishing the bread, I rested my head on Bert's shoulder, the exhaustion and fatigue from the accumulation of the day's events finally getting to me. The dream was slowly beginning to come back in focus for me, and it terrified me.
He reached his arm around me and held my shoulder, comforting me. He could tell something was bothering me━ and well, he was right.
My eyes began to slip closed, paying no mind to the people surrounding me, nor their conversations.
The girl lingered in my mind, she was no one I had seen nor known in memory. Perhaps I had seen her on initiation day━ No, no that wasn't the case. She had come from somewhere else.
It felt wrong to believe her to be a comrade, to believe her to be a soldier. The word I should've called her lingered on my tongue, but I was never quite able to procure it.
She was an untouchable drink, and I was clawing away, trying to merely reach the chalice. Why had she begun to say that she loved me? I feel like I would remember love, by anyone. If she was real, had I loved her back?
Her grey eyes remained on my mind, and I just wanted to hold her while she cried. I could've made it to her if I tried a little harder. I could've made it. But I didn't. I failed- at my once chance at love, even though it was just a mirage conjured by my brain.
Bert's fingers began to slowly swirl around my arm, tracing the etching of scars and markings left upon me. I was tense at first, but then I relaxed into his touch, knowing that he just wanted me to be okay. His body heat was refreshing, and he always knew how to make me feel better.
"So, Denman," A loud voice from across me began, startling my eyes open in reaction, "Didn't realize you had two boyfriends," he said, clearly trying to evoke a reaction out of me.
"Kirstein, get your head out of your ass," I said, intimidatingly staring into his soul, "I don't need to listen to a shit-head like you."
Bert tried to interject, but failed as I continued to speak, "Your words have no weight when you're trying to devote your life to a futile cause."
The freckled boy began to look slightly panicked, and raised his arms to motion for everyone to turn it down a bit, "Hey, why can't we please all just get along?"
Jean turned to him, "Marco, this isn't your fight."
I looked to the boy, Marco, and nodded, my head still resting on Bert's shoulder. Bert took his hand from my arm and started to pull my hair from my collar, having noticed that it was semi-trapped, and probably uncomfortable.
"Are you just going to try to tell me I'm useless? Like your little conversation with the suicidal maniac last night? That shit isn't going to work on me."
I sighed, "I really don't care if it's going to 'work' on you or not━ it's still the truth.
"Your premonition of a good life is inherently flawed. You have such skill Kirstein, and yet, you want to waste it by drinking your life away in some fancy-ass room, talking about things that don't matter, when you could at least devote a part of your life to something that might count after all.
"We aren't ever going to agree on this━ I don't believe so at least━ so let's just drop it. We already have to spend three years of our lives together, I'd rather not spend every single moment with you bickering."
Jean looked displeased with this, but reluctantly, he said, "Agreed."
The watchful eyes of the brunette had landed upon my food again, seeing that I hadn't eaten anything else after the bread. There was only a bowl of soup, and a potato left.
"You could always just ask, if you really want something from me," I stated.
"You're terrifying," the girl mumbled out.
I chuckled a bit, and raised the potato in my hand, allowing her to take it. She quickly snatched it, and muttered a small thank you.
"It's no worry, just know that you're never gonna get anywhere without pushing back a bit."
"Sasha. Sasha Braus. That's- That's my name," she rambled out.
I simply nodded my head, once more, and turned my attention to the buzzcut boy. He was staring in awe at Sasha. He slowly turned his head to look at me, the bewildered look still present on his face.
"You- you broke her," his eyes widened, "She's never been afraid to ask for food━ what did you do to her?"
At that moment, everybody at the table broke out into laughter. It was a simple moment, and a small smile crept onto my face. I couldn't tell if the boy was trying to truly be funny or not, but nevertheless, the joke landed. I could feel Bert's chest raise up and down chaotically, his warm laughter filling my ears.
Reiner was violently chuckling, Sasha looked a tad embarrassed, but she joined in the chorus of laughter anyways. Jean had lost his angered look from before, replaced with stupefied joy; and the boy, Marco, next to him, held a tender laugh in his chest.
The bald boy was holding his stomach, lurching back and forth in fits of laughter. Sasha was the first to quench herself of her laughter, for she resumed eating the potato, quickly devouring it. Upon seeing this, everybody around began to laugh even harder, shocked by the semi-stupid nature of her drive.
Looking around, even though I didn't know these people, I could tell that in the future, this would be a moment I would cherish, and reminisce on, wishing to simply come back here. This lightly brought a tear to my left eye, which I quickly snuffed out, using Bertholdt's shirt to do so.