Sometimes things just happen. Sometimes they need not be pre-planned. No date, day or time needed to be fixed for such things. And when they finally happen, you should let it as much as it scares the living shit out of you.
Just like the talk between Tori and me. It's been sixteen hours and twenty-five minutes since I first found the letters and finished reading all of them for the first time. Since last night around midnight when I ran out of the guest room in search of Tori, in search of answers. Only not really seeing things through the blurry vision of tears and falling down. To be honest I do not remember what happened after that but I know I somehow ended up on Tori and Liz's bedroom floor where I woke up this morning. Well, waking up requires actual sleeping. That did not happen hence I just layed there staring at the ceiling wondering how my life got this fucked up and how much of an idiot I was to not even realize it. Now, I am back to exactly where I 'woke up' this morning. Only this time it's just Tori and me in her room and Tori is on the floor too. She brought me here after lunch I presume. But lunch was hours ago, so I am not sure anymore. Time is not my strong point today except to count how long it's been since I first read the letters.
"Kris, you cannot stay like this, we got to talk." Tori's voice floats in, alerting me somewhere in the bubble of despair that I am lost in. I tilt my head to the side, not being able to form words yet. "Kris, come on." I still can't say anything yet.
"Yes, I wrote letters to you after..." Tori trails off.
"Tori, please say it. I want to know. After you left, which I know is not true anymore. You said you were kicked out. What do you mean Tori? I have to know." I tell her in a weird slow voice.
Tori breathes in deeply before taking my hands in her and holding it. "Kris. I love you. I have never not loved you. You are my little sister. And I do not want what I am about to tell you to change your views about our parents."
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that. It's changed already. Just tell me, Tori." I pleaded with her.
"You know Liz is my wife." I nod, frowning, I tilt my head.
"Yes and how is that related?"
"Kris, she is my wife now. She used to be my girlfriend. My first girlfriend, my best friend." Tori tells me. I nod.
"I knew Liz was your best friend, Tori."
"Yeah well she was but then she became my girlfriend when I realized that I was in love with her. Turns out she was too. Good cause otherwise it would have been a disaster." Tori chuckles as I continue to see her expressionless. "So, soon after confessing our love for one another, we realized that we are gay. It was not easy coming to that conclusion because of all the internal homophobia. Coming out to ourselves was hard and I thought that was the hardest it's going to be for a while." Tori scoffs. "How naive was I? Anyways. Shortly after that, we started dating. It was good, Dad did not like me spending so much time with someone who would not... you know help and all. You know how Dad was." I nod.
"Yeah. It's all about his business. Always. So?" I ask, urging Tori to continue.
"Well, when I did not stop, Dad had me followed, just to see what we did. And somehow he found out about well... us. He confronted me. And me being in love, told him as much. When I declared my feelings for Liz to him I did not realize that I came out to him without even meaning to. At first, he just slapped me and forbade me to see Liz. First, the reasonings were that she would not be good for business, then it was about she does not have any connections. Then he started proposing dates to me. I was angry, sad, and irritated but did not realize that he hated me because I was gay. Not because I love Liz. When he pushed me to talk on this first arranged date, it was with a guy. He did not say anything and I did not go through with the date. Instead, I ran to Liz and spent the night at her house. That's when all hell broke loose. Next day Dad rained hell on me that if I did not go out with a guy he chose, I could go to hell." Tori wipes her eyes. This time I squeeze Tori's hand as she gives me a wet smile.
"I told him that I am gay and I will not date a guy ever. He just slapped me again and would have beat me more had you not shown up. When he saw you, he turned and left. For two days he was gone. When he came back he was drunk and I was the unfortunate soul to greet him at the door. He umm... said not-so-nice things to me, and made me break down completely. The next morning he sobered up enough to ask me to leave." Tori is now crying fully. I hug her tightly.
"I don't remember it. I remember seeing Dad scolding you one night and then I remember he was drunk as I used to say he used to smell then."
"Yeah, well he smelt cause he drank and bathed in alcohol. And his orders for me to leave meant instantly." I frown.
"But... I remember you packed your suitcase."
"Yeah, that's cause for some unknown reason Mom showed emotions for the first and only time. She let me play with you, go to the park and be with you while Dad was away on another business trip. Then I suppose her time for showing emotion was up too as she asked me to come to the house one day and pack everything I could before leaving. That's the day you remember. The day I packed up my life as my little sister watched and my mother waited to get rid of me. She, uh...she just told me to leave and never come back as I was not welcome there ever. Right before leaving, she hugged me to say that I should never contact them ever again because if I chose to remain gay, I couldn't be their daughter anymore. Mother of the year, right?" Tori chuckles, wiping her tears and snot.
"Little did they know their second daughter is Bi too." This time Tori laughs.
"Yeah imagine them finding out." I frown.
"They knew. I told them." Tori now looks at me with wide eyes.
"And?"
"Nothing well Dad just asked me if I liked someone then, I did not. Not anymore and then I started dating Aaron, whom I met at one of Dad's boring business parties, I was forced to attend. So he never said anything to me regarding my sexuality. Not that we ever discussed it either. We didn't used to talk, not really."
"He...what?" Tori seems shocked. Then she smiles. "Ah, you did not like anyone and then you started dating a guy anyway. So why would he care? He probably just dismissed it."
"Full possibility." I nod. "So after you left, you...where did you stay?"
"With Liz's family. I finished my high school from there and then for college, I applied for scholarships and with help from my teachers at school who knew of my situation helped me get them. That's how I went to college. I was staying near the college alone then before Liz moved in with me. Since she was going to college nearby too. Right after the second year, her family decided to move to Florida and both Liz and I applied to the University of Florida to shift. Somehow, by the grace of whoever was up there, we both got in. I got a scholarship too, not a full ride but I got a job. Somehow I finished college and did some temporary jobs before getting a good job with decent money. Then I went back to school to get my master's and after that, Liz and I started the company."
"Woah so you did study, graduate everything."
"Yeah even though I was kicked out, I did not want to not go to college. I knew once I made a name for myself, I would be able to get you. So, going to college and struggling was the only way. I am just glad Liz's family was so supportive of me, of us. They attended my graduation ceremony as if they were my family. They truly accepted me as their daughter so when we announced the engagement they were extremely happy to officially call me their daughter."
"I am happy for you. I really am. What I do not understand is Tori, why would you not want to tell me this?"
"What do you mean Kris?"
"I mean after I got released from the hospital where we realized we had to talk, you did not want to, it seemed. Why did you wait?"
"To be honest Kris, it's not because of this. It's because of the fact that if I told you before you got the letters that I never forgot about you, you would not have believed me. And I could not stand that. Even now, I know you are having a hard time believing me. Trust me during all this time, I never forgot about you. But I knew if I had to get you, I would have to be prepared. Also, I did not want to take you away if you were really loved by them. So, I had know for sure."
"Did you find out the truth?" I ask, intrigued.
"To be honest no. It was hard to determine. No matter who I asked to see and try to find out they all gave me the same answer, you seem happy but they can't tell."
"Yeah, cause pretending is what I am taught. You know Tori after you left, they got the perfect doll, at the right age to mould. I was sad, torn and needed my Mom and Dad and they used it to mould me into a version they wanted. A puppet for them. Doing all the things Dad asked me to. He wanted to promote some weird new stuff, I would be the one campaigning for it. He wanted me to talk to people to make a deal, I did it without batting an eyelash. I got gifts, and money because of it. Never a hug or a pat. If I did these jobs well, I got paid. If I did it badly, I was punished. Now, I was never slapped and my accident kind of derailed them a little. They were not scared for me then, they were scared that I might change. And Dad was scared for his business if I could not walk. He did everything he could to fix me back up as soon as possible. And the day I could stand from my wheelchair, yes I was stuck in one for a month and a half, he sent me to Physical Therapy. Even the doctor disagreed and told him to wait. But Dad was in a hurry to fix me. He did fix me, without caring what it would do to me. What did it do to me? And Mom, well she was focused on not angering Dad ever. They were the perfect parents. They deserve the parents of the year award. Neither of them cared if I took my meds on time or if I took one too many as long as I could stand, and limp. Because then Dad used this to promote some new product. Using my accident and my pain to make a gain, a profit. And everyone fell for it for pity as I attended all these parties as a fucking show model. Not as his daughter but as the perfect example, the perfect way to get pity and get people to buy it. So, yeah I was happy with them. I was loved because, to everyone else, there was nothing wrong. No one can find it unless they...truly see the horrors. But alas it was hidden, tucked away perfectly behind closed doors and tightly shut curtains."
Tori looks at me horrified. "Kris, how bad was this accident?"
"I tell you all this and that's what you ask me?"
"Yes and now answer me."
"Bad. Bad enough that at one point my survival was a question mark." Tori nods.
"And yet they did not let me know. Kept my letters from you and your emails to me. So, I almost lost you and I didn't even know. I was busy taking care of newborn James while my little sister was fighting for her life and I had no idea. I am such a bad sister."
"You are not bad, Tori. Don't say that. You tried. Tell me something, did the people you asked to look into never tell you about my accident?"
"I don't think it happened then, the last time I asked people to check on you. Because after James, I got super busy to continue with it. I wanted to pick it up again this year but then... you came to me instead. I know Liz asked them to continue but I never really got the reports. She did."
"Wow. Okay."
"Don't say that Kris. I did not mean to pull back. I was...I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry." Tori hugs me.
"Thing is Tori, it would not have mattered. Nobody would have found anything. The doctor might have said something but that wouldn't have been enough. And they were not responsible for the accident. So, you cannot charge them regarding that either."
"I am so sorry Kris. You had to go through all of this alone. I should have been there, I should have tried harder. I should not have come here."
"I am glad you did though Tori. As much as it pains me to say, I am glad you did. Because that's the only reason you have such a wonderful family. You would not have been you if you stayed there. And I was not alone. You were there with me, in my heart and I talked to you always. Even if you never got my emails, you were there with me. Just like you sent me letters, telling me about your life, I told you about mine." Tori chuckles and starts kissing my face. "Stop kissing me like your son, Tori." This time she laughs out loud.
"James does not kiss, he licks you with all the saliva in his mouth," Tori says in between her laugh. "But I am sorry Kris. I know I should have tried harder or done something to help you. So what people did not know, I knew how Dad was. Seems like he got a lot worse after I was gone. And I should have..." I put my hand over Tori's mouth.
"Stop it, Tori. You could not have done anything except destroy your mental health. There was no way unless you took me with you when you left at 16. And that would have ended in a disaster as much as I wish that was true. I am glad you are not in jail." I say as Tori laughs.
"Yeah, I imagine they would have charged me with kidnapping my own sister from superficial loving parents. So, tell me Kris. How was Mom growing up?"
"Weird, annoying and useless. Only cared about Dad and how to make him happy, keep him happy. Had no intention of anything else, although I suspect she started doing something that might have angered Dad if he ever found out. I know this because of how weird and secretive she suddenly became. But then again it was Mom, she was always being weird, and agreeing on stupid things Dad said." I shrug.
"Okay. Weird. When did she start behaving weirdly Kris?" Tori asks, frowning.
"A few years ago. I don't remember exactly but I think it was before my accident. Yeah, it was before because once she asked me where I was when I stayed over at a friends' house and instead of replying I asked what she was doing as she was acting kinda sus. She avoided answering me and left without even wanting to know where I was. So much care!" I roll my eyes. Tori nods in understanding. As if she knew what Mom was doing.
"Kris, I know this changed your view of our parents but I hope I did not destroy their memory for you forever."
"Nah, it was destroyed before anyway. Don't worry Tori. I neve really had any love for them, they were just what I knew. My parents, you know. Not really someone I would contact if I was in trouble but they were my emergency contact because Mom birthed me. I don't know how to explain. But know this Tori, you cannot destroy something that's already been destroyed. You... you are showing me what caring actually means. What should be the case when I am hurt, or when I return home late? So, don't worry Tori."
"Well, of course," Tori replies then frowns. "You mean they never showed it even after the accident? I am... wait, not even Mom?"
"Mom was not around me much after the accident. For some reason she kept her distance till I started doing Physical Therapy and even then. I think something happened but I have no idea what." Tori nods, thinking.
"What caused this accident of yours?"
"Umm...maybe for another time."
"Kris tell me, I am not letting you go before knowing that."
"Tori all I am ready to say for now is that it involved stupid decisions and teenage stupidity along with extremely bad luck. It was not really someone's fault well maybe one person's and they got punished for it already."
"Okay. I won't press you about it anymore for now. But one of these days you will have to tell me."
"One day I will." I hold out my pinky to her as she attaches hers to mine. I smile. "Now I have to tell you. Can't break a pinky promise."
"No, you should not." Tori pulls me to her and hugs me tightly. I stay in the embrace enjoying the warmth, the smell of her body wash or shampoo, listening to her heart beat as I try to get mine to beat at the same rhythm as hers. Somewhere along the line, I fell asleep listening to Tori's heart beat, as the tension and confusion tired me to the brim, her heartbeat lulled me to a slumber. A soft, sweet, caring slumber where I know I am safe and loved. And that whenever I wake up, I know she is staying and not leaving me. Not this time. And I finally am able to believe that. That realization makes me succumb to an even deeper sleep.