It took about fifteen hours for the sedation to wear off and Karter to wake up.
When he came to, the doctors pulled the ventilator tube from his chest. He coughed and I was quick to offer him a drink of water. After taking a drink and squeezing his eyes shut, he started to talk.
"Is Keenan okay?" was the first thing out of his mouth.
"She's okay," Louis said. "Zayn ran her home to grab a change of clothes, they should be back in a couple minutes."
"The painkillers," he mumbled. That was the second thing. "I don't want them."
"Karter, you just underwent brain surgery," Dr. Winn, the brain surgeon, said. "Without painkillers you're going to be miserable. Nauseous from pain. You'll take longer to recover."
"Please," Karter whined, squeezing his eyes shut. He opened them and looked at Louis and I. "Please," he begged quietly.
Karter Smith, our formerly hot headed and sarcastic teenage boy, was laying flat on his back below us begging for our consent. He was an addict, and he was terrified of becoming addicted again.
He was choosing one pain over another.
"Love?" Louis offered the decision to me. He didn't know.
"He can go without pain killers if that's what he wants," I said quietly, looking to the doctor. I sat down in the chair beside his bed and brushed his hair off of his forehead. "If you change your mind, just let us know. Okay, buttercup?"
"Yeah," he murmured. I knew his mind wouldn't be changed.
Dr. Winn disconnected his morphine drip and made a note in his chart to forgoe pain killers unless requested by the patient. "The morphine will start wearing off now, and in about half an hour it will be out of your system completely. Okay, Karter?"
"Okay," Karter whispered.
The doctor left the three of us alone. Louis sat next to me and rested his forearms on the hospital bed mattress.
"The adoption went through yesterday," Louis told him. Karter's closed eyes cracked open.
"Really?"
"Really," Louis said.
Karter's bruised face pulled into a smile.
"That's awesome," he said. "Does Keenan know?"
"Do I know what?" Louis and I looked back. Keenan was standing in the doorway, a sad smile on her lips. Louis and I stood up and moved out of the way so they could see each other clearly.
Karter did his best to sit up. His arms fell open, offering a hug. Keenan ran the few feet across the room and collided with him. Karter's face scrunched in discomfort but he made no move to let his little sister go.
"You okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," she promised. She pulled out of the hug a few inches to look him over. "Are you taking the pain killers?"
"No," Karter said, shaking his head. He then realized that moving his head in any way was a bad idea. Carefully, slowly, he lowered his head down onto the pillow below him.
Louis and I looked back at Zayn, who was standing in the doorway. We stepped back to him, giving our kids a little bit of space.
"I'm glad he's awake," Zayn said. He pushed a hand through his raven hair and offered us a strong smile. "I'll let everyone else know?"
"That would be great," Louis said through an exhale.
The boys and their families had pulled together to support us. They stopped by with flowers and stuffed animals. Niall and Cameron brought leftovers from their dinner, not that Louis, Keenan or I (but especially Keenan) had any appetite.
When Zayn stopped by an hour ago, he brought juice. Something with calories and sugar that her stomach would let her take down. Originally the doctors wanted to give her blood and IV fluids with antibiotics, but Keenan refused it completely.
Louis and I decided she had enough things to worry about, and that forcing her into accepting medical care probably wasn't for the best.
"You guys holding up?" Zayn asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"I can stay if you want to run home and clean up," he offered, eyebrows raised.
"I don't know if we should leave-" Louis said, looking back over his shoulder. I followed his gaze. Keenan was sitting at his bedside, not talking, but very gently scratching up and down one of his arms.
It was a comfort she could afford to give him.
"Later?" I asked, looking at Zayn hopefully.
"That's fine, princess," he said softly. He held out one arm for a hug and I wrapped my arms around him.
"Thank you, Z," I mumbled.
"Don't even worry about it," Zayn said. He pressed a hand to the back of my head and rubbed it gently with his thumb. We stayed like that for a moment, before pulling away from each other. Zayn squeezed Louis' shoulder and then turned out of the room, leaving the four of us alone.
When Louis and I focused back on Karter, we immediately realized he was in a lot of pain. Keenan was holding one of his hands, and he was gripping onto it. One of his legs pulled up towards his body.
Louis and I moved to the other side of the bed and sat down. Louis unballed his fist from the sheet and held his hand. Karter grabbed onto it, and I knew it was almost painful, but Louis showed no reaction at all.
"Hurts," Karter managed.
"Do you want-?" I offered, speaking as softly as I could to help his headache.
"No," he grunted.
"Okay," I whispered.
As hard as it was for me to sit and let Karter be in pain when I knew I could stop it? It wasn't up to me. I'd spent too much time with other people deciding what to do with my body to try and control what he did with his.
I reached out my hand and rested in on top of Louis and Karter's conjoined ones.
-
Seven hours was a long time to spend with a teenager that had just gone through brain surgery and was refusing pain medication.
He would be okay for a few minutes, and then an alarm going off or someone moving too loudly outside the room would have him trying to hold his head from pain, which only made it hurt worse.
To solve that issue, Louis, Keenan and I tried to keep his hands away from his face. Keenan and I sat on one side, and Louis was on the other. We held his arms away from his head while he groaned and whined from pain.
Talking and singing didn't help, so we stayed quiet. We stayed quiet and sat with Karter in the dark.
At about 4:00, Harry came to the hospital. He texted me that he was outside. I mouthed Harry to Louis, who nodded in understanding. Then, as quietly as I could, I slipped out of the hospital room.
Harry was in the ICU waiting room, not wanting to upset Karter at all on accident. When he saw me, he smiled softly.
"Come here, darling," he said softly, opening his arms to me. I padded all the way to him and fell into his chest. I exhaled a breath that I'd been keeping in for seven hours. "How's he doing?"
"Not good," I mumbled.
"Hm?"
"He's in a lot of pain because he won't accept pain medication," I explained. I tipped my chin up to look at Harry. He furrowed his eyebrows like he was confused. "He was addicted to pain killers before, Har. He's trying to stay sober."
"Oh," Harry said. He nodded his head, like that was an answer he could understand. "I'll stay here with him for an hour or so, you and Louis can run home and clean up 'nd everything. Keenan can go too, but I'm sure she's going to want to stay."
"Harry-"
"C'mon," Harry said gently. He rubbed his hands over my biceps and squeezed them. "You're barely awake, you need to take a shower, and I know you well enough to say you haven't been able to eat anything either." I sighed. "I know, I know." He pulled me into him again. I rested my head in the middle of his chest.
I could have fallen asleep there. But there was no time. So instead I pulled away and nodded my head, agreeing that what he wanted to do was what we should do.
I lead him through the hallway, and down to Karter's room. I slid the door open, walked in, and turned back to invite Harry to follow.
"Karter?" I asked, as quietly as I could manage.
A noice came out of his throat. I assumed it was all he could do to ask what I wanted.
"You gonna be okay if Lou and I run home? Harry'll stay with you," I said. One of his hands balled into a fist and he lifted his thumb, forming a thumbs up. Louis leaned forward and kissed his knuckle before standing. Slowly, carefully, Louis and Harry changed places.
Keenan was asleep in her chair, head next to Karter's leg on the bed. His hand was lost somewhere underneath her.
"Love you, buttercup," I said softly, leaning in to very carefully brush his hair off of his sweaty forehead. His lips tweaked up into a smile for just a second, before his face morphed into a look of pain. "Sorry, sorry."
"It's okay," he said though gritted teeth. Harry grabbed onto one of his hands and then nodded to us.
"We'll be right back," Louis promised.
When we stepped out of the room, the only thing we could do was stare at each other. For a minute, we just looked at each other and tried to catch our breaths.
"You look wrecked," Louis said finally. He brought his hand up to my face and I leaned my cheek into it. I ran my hand through his greasy hair and looked over his tired, eye-bag ridden face. "Me too?"
"Yeah, you too," I said. He pulled me into him. Together, moving as one solid form, we walked through the halls and down to the parking lot where our car was.
Unsurprisingly, there were paps sitting in the cars around us. Louis and I sighed, lifted our hoods, and tucked our heads.
-
I was surprised to find Liam and Niall at our house when we got there. Niall's car was out front, so we expected him, but Liam being there as well was something we didn't predict.
When we walked in, Liam was scrubbing the stove top aggressively and Niall was cleaning the fridge. The four of us froze and looked at each other, surprised.
"...You're here," Liam said. He dropped the sponge he was using.
"Uh, yeah," I said.
"Are we interrupting something?" Louis asked.
"We thought we should come and do some chores for ya," Niall said, smiling through his Irish accent, "make it a bit easier when you get back."
"You really didn't have to do that," I argued, shaking my head.
"Not a problem at all," Liam said. "You guys go freshen up, we'll make something to eat. Alright?"
Louis and I looked at each other. We didn't like accepting charity, but we needed it.
"Alright," Louis said. He nudged me forward with a hand on my hip.
He and I trooped up the stairs into our room. I caught my reflection and winced. My mascara was under my eyes, my hair was oily, my clothes wrinkled. Louis stood behind me and bent to rest his chin on my shoulder.
His eyes were sunk into his head and when he tried to smile, his lips barely tweaked.
We looked tired.
"Shower?" he offered. I nodded my head. We grabbed changes of clothes and walked into the bathroom together. I untied my joggers and tossed them into the hamper. Then I sat on the side of the tub and pulled my prosthetic off. I sighed in relief immediately and rubbed my hands over my stump.
My prosthetic was comfortable and decent to walk on, but it wasn't meant to be worn for days at a time.
I rolled the pull sock down with one hand and turned back to turn on the shower with the other. I looked up at Louis, who managed to discard his shirt. My eyes traveled over his tattooed chest, before looking back at his face.
He was standing with his eyes closed, leaning heavily onto his palms.
"Don't fall asleep," I said softly, standing up.
"Not gonna," Louis promised. He pulled away from his spot and stepped up to me. His arms wrapped around me and he leaned some of his weight onto my shoulder. I sighed and rubbed his back a bit.
"We should get in the shower," I mumbled. I pulled away from him and turned back to turn on the water. Louis took a step to me and grabbed the hem of my shirt. He looked at me, waiting for permission. I nodded. It was then and only then that he pulled my shirt over my head and tossed it into the hamper.
I waited for the go ahead before pulling his sweats down his legs. He stepped out of them.
Slowly, tiredly, we undressed ourselves completely. Louis stepped under the water first. Then he turned back, and helped me into the shower as well.
We leaned against each other under the stream of the water. For a second, we only stood there and breathed. Louis stepped back first. He reached for my shampoo with one hand and gestured for me to move my head under the water with the other.
Louis put some product into his hand, and rubbed them together. I turned my back to him and let him work his hands into my roots.
"How're you feeling?" Louis asked.
"Better," I hummed.
Louis kissed my shoulder and then rested his cheek on it.
"We should sit," I said.
"Hm?"
"Yeah, you need to sit for a minute." I rinsed my hair out myself and very carefully helped both of us to the floor of the shower. The water rained down onto us. "Louis?"
He looked up at me. The water plastered his hair onto his forehead. He sighed softly when his blue eyes met mine. I scooted up closer to him and pushed his hair out of his face. I held his cheeks in my hands and pressed my forehead into his.
"I'm worried, love," he said after a minute.
"I know," is what I decided to say back. "I know, honey."
-
Fifteen minutes later, Louis was helping me downstairs. My stump was sore and putting my prosthetic on wasn't a good idea.
Niall met us at the bottom of the stairs and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, effectively stealing me from Louis. He took a few steps before bending down and scooping me up bridal style, which made me laugh.
"Aren't we too old for this?" I asked.
"Never gonna be too old to lug you around," Niall giggled. He dropped me in a stool and slid on one side of me. Louis climbed into the other.
Liam set a plate of sandwiches and coffee mugs in front of us. I sat up to kiss his forehead before grabbing a sandwich and taking a bite. It was the first food I'd eaten since yesterday's breakfast.
Louis and I ate in silence for about a minute.
"Good?" Liam asked, smiling amusedly at us.
"Best food I've ever had in my life," Louis said through a full mouth.
"Good," Niall said. He grabbed a sandwich for himself and took a bite before continuing. "How're the kids? The full rundown."
"Keenan's got a concussion and stitches in her forehead," Louis said, "she's been sleeping a lot but the doctors say they expect that."
"And Karter woke up earlier today. Fifteen hours after a brain surgery is good, apparently, so the surgeon told us he isn't too worried about long-term effects."
"And he won't take painkillers?" Liam asked. Louis and I both shook our heads no.
"He was addicted to painkillers before he was in juvie," Louis said. "I read part of his file that described it. Apparently he was a wreck in juvie while getting sober. He's just, you know, not willing to risk that again."
"Not even morphine?" Niall asked quietly.
"Not even morphine," I said quietly.
"My mum always put lavender oil under my nose when I had headaches," Liam said. "It's like, medicinal."
"Lavender oil," I repeated. Louis and I shared a look and silently agreed to find some before we went back to the hospital.
"Harry's there now, isn't he?" Liam asked. He set another sandwich down on the plate in front of us and Louis grabbed it.
"Yeah," he said. "We should text him and make sure everything's alright-"
"Lou," I said softly, stopping him from continuing. "I'm sure he's okay."
Between Louis and I, the latter was definitely better at handling traumatic situations. My childhood was one trauma after another. I was accustomed to feeling like the world was falling apart for years. It was all I knew.
Even now, ten years after I met the boys and left that behind, I was still good at it. I was good at shutting down and going on autopilot.
In a way, it was almost better that Louis couldn't do that. He was feeling everything for what it really was. He was stressed and fretting and absolutely drained, like like any parent would be.
Any parent except for me.
I stopped chewing and considered what that meant about me. I loved the kids. Of course I loved the kids. Situations like this, though, I just couldn't bring myself to go fully into it. There was always a piece of me three feet back, watching and not feeling.
I was thankful, though. I was thankful that I had some distance from that part of me. I needed the space from it to love, and to care, and to feel things in general.
Since yesterday, the piece of me seems to have stepped forward and started breathing down my neck.
"Mick," Niall said. He waved his hand in front of my face. I blinked back and focused on him.
"What?" I asked.
"You didn't hear anything he said?" Liam asked. Slowly, I shook my head no.
"I was asking what you were doing about the general public knowing about what happened with you and Jakob," Niall said. "You haven't done any interviews or released any statements about it since it happened a couple of months ago. Are you avoiding it?"
Was I avoiding it?
When I took a second to think about it, I realized that yeah, Niall, I am avoiding it.
"Maybe a little bit," I said. I looked between Niall and Liam. They both had sad expressions on their face. "Stop looking at me like I'm a kicked puppy, would you?"
"I don't like that this stuff is still bothering you, that's all," Niall said. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.
"It's always going to," I said. All three boys blinked at me. "I'm fine, seriously. It's just my life."
"Shouldn't be," Liam said, "you deserve better than this, peaches."
"It's not even about me. If you want to put your energy into worrying, worry about Keenan and Karter."
"Sorry," Liam and Niall said at the same time.
"Don't- it's okay, don't feel bad. I'm just stressed."
"We're alright," Louis said. He put his hand on my thigh and smiled a soft smile.
"Course we are," I said, putting my hand on his.
-
Keenan and Karter were asleep when we got back to the hospital. I texted Harry to meet us outside of their room so we wouldn't wake them.
Harry opened the door, slid through it, and closed it again. He smiled at Louis and I.
"Was his head bothering him?" Louis asked.
"A bit," Harry said, "but that's to be expected, isn't it?"
Louis and I both nodded our heads to agree.
"They've been asleep most of the time. I got Keenan to eat half of my croissant earlier too."
"Thank you, Harry," I said.
"Course, darling," he said. I wrapped him in a hug and squeezed him tight. When I pulled away, Harry and Louis clapped hands and hugged with their arms between them.
"Text me if you want me to come back at all, doesn't matter what time it is," Harry said. "I'm serious. Got it?"
"Got it," Louis said. He pulled away from Harry and smiled, before looking at me. "We should go in?"
"We should," I said. I slid the door open and gave one final wave to Harry. "Bye, Har."
"Bye," he said back, just as quietly.
Louis and I slipped into the room and sat beside Karter's bed. One of my hands was in Louis' and the other was holding a bottle of lavender extract in my pocket.
Louis and I leaned together and held each other up.
"Love you," he mumbled.
"Love you," I repeated.
That was enough.